First off, I’d like to apologize for the dearth of articles the past couple days. I’ve been down for the count and that fever was making it impossible for me to focus my eyes. I feared the rambling gibberish I might inflict on you all if I attempted to write under the circumstances.
But while I was sick, I used the opportunity to scroll through some back episodes of Bridezillas on my DVR. Yeah, I know, it probably didn’t help me get better any quicker, but it’s easier to watch through a fog, I find. Still, there are enough unspoken cultural assumptions in the show that I find it valuable to me as a bridal blogger to watch the painful dog and pony show.
All the same, while I expect a bunch of abusive behavior on the part of the subjects (after all, that’s the point of the show) every once in a while someone comes along on that show who I think isn’t necessarily putting on an act for the cameras. One of these was Johanne.
Okay, some of her shtick was the same old, same old. Treat bridesmaids like crap and then complain they don’t love her, check. Scream at family members, check. Obsess over tiny details and claim they’re the ruination of her life, check. Repeatedly inform her fiance that he’s a useless, lazy, moronic loser? Check and quadruple check. I expect this in every episode from every Bridezilla.
But then came the tattoo parlor incident. Johanne informed her hapless love, Ed, that they were going to the tattoo parlor to get matching tattoos. Okay, it may not be my idea of romance, but it was clear from a single glance at both parties that they have no fear of the needle. I’m down with those who want them getting matching body art.
When they reached the parlor, though, Johanne had the artist blindfold Ed so he couldn’t see what his new ink was going to look like until it was too late. What Johanne had arranged (and the tattoo artist apparently merrily agreed to ink this into a man’s skin without his prior knowledge or consent) was to add the words ‘Property of’ to the tattoo Ed already had of Johanne’s name on his chest.
And while Ed was being permanently marked as simply an object in her life, Johanne was a few feet away not getting anything about property of anyone tattooed on herself. In point of fact, she spent that time sitting on the lap of the parlor owner and arranging to meet him for a pre-nuptial date!
When she went on said date, it turned out to be a threesome including the tattoo parlor owners’ wife, too. According to Johanne this was okay because she wasn’t actually married yet. Never mind that she’d been with Ed for twelve years, already lived with him, accepted his marriage proposal, and was two days away from tying that legal knot… it wasn’t really cheating since she wasn’t really married yet.
Ed almost didn’t show up for the wedding, and demanded his bride give him a little truth before they stood at the altar… but caved pretty much immediately without having learned the truth about Johanne’s pre-marital threesome. She did admit to having kissed a woman, but didn’t happen to mention how many body parts on said woman she kissed, the fact that her husband was also involved in the incident, nor the fact that they were guests at the wedding. Seriously? How tacky can you get?
Yep, it was a new low even for Bridezillas. I’m just sorry I saw it.