The Secret

I’m going to let you in on a secret. It’s one you won’t find in most bridal magazines or planning books or even blogs. You certainly won’t see or hear it in most bridal reality programs on TV! It’s an important secret, and one that will help you make your wedding the best possible wedding you can have.

No, it’s not about money or venues or an accessory or how you choose to wear your hair. It’s much, much more basic than that.

In the end it doesn’t matter whether you choose to marry on a Hawaiian beach or in a hotel ballroom, a grand cathedral or a garden. It doesn’t matter whether you have five people or five hundred with you in the moment, whether your reception is an hour of coffee and cake or a marathon dancing and dining spectacular. It doesn’t matter whether you wear a designer gown and veil or dime store finds. All of these things are matters of preference, tradition, expectation, or self-expression. Not one of them interferes with or assures this one secret:

Graciousness.

If you take a few minutes in every planning session to think about how your guests will be affected by your plans and readjust them (the plans, not the guests!) where necessary, you’ll wind up with a room full of happy people who have somewhere to put down their drinks, can find what’s happening next without confusion, and know precisely where to go when nature calls.

If you consider whether there is enough shelter from wind, rain, or excessive sun, you won’t find an avoidable medical emergency happening in the middle of your wedding. If you take the time to really determine how many people will fit on your dance floor vs how many people will want to dance, you won’t face either too much dance floor with non-dancers squeezed to the edges of the room, or an inadvertent mosh pit at your reception.

Thinking about the comfort and needs of others not only helps avoid logistical pitfalls, it does a second thing that makes a huge difference: it takes the focus off of you and your family for a minute. It reminds you that this is not your One Shining Moment, but a celebration with a community. It diffuses the stagefright. It puts your feet back on terra firma, where they belong.

It also does another wonderful thing: when you consider how others are feeling, what they need, and whether they’re happy, suddenly they feel a great deal more willing to help you make your plans come together. Brides who don’t bully their bridesmaids about their weight/tattoos/unorthodox hair colors are more likely to find at least one willing to help out on a project or run an errand or two. Brides who don’t explode with anger at every slight snafu are more likely to find help fixing the problems that crop up along the way. And brides who don’t find the extra help at least don’t alienate their friends and family members before the wedding starts.

Graciousness and thoughtfulness are hideously underrated traits. They smooth the way for us in social situations. And contrary to popular opinion, they are not simply code for ‘doormat’ either. It is perfectly possible to be both gracious and strong.

If anything, you may find yourself basking in the glow of Michael Palin syndrome. Back when he was a member of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, the group would hold meetings to determine whose work was good enough to go in the next episode. John Cleese has said in interviews that everybody hated to pass on Michael’s sketches because he was just so nice to everyone else about theirs.

Channel your inner Michael Palin. Not only will it win you friends and influence people, it’s kind of a happy way to go through life.