Manolo for the Brides

When our own delightful and wise NtB posted on the question of children at weddings the other day, it got a lot of response. Some people were pro-kids-at-weddings-no-matter-what. Some came across as definitely not caring for kiddies at the shindig. Most seemed firmly agreed (as are NtB and I) that it’s entirely up to the happy couple to make that decision based on their preferences and circumstances.

But as NtB pointed out in her article, part of the decision should be based on how kid-friendly a wedding you plan on having. There may, indeed, be those paragons of childish virtue who can sit still through a twelve-course formal dinner happily chowing down on fois gras and fanciful eggplant dishes while wearing perfectly unwrinkled tafetta gowns directly after a full nuptual mass and three hours of formal photographs…but let’s not kid ourselves that this is standard. I was a remarkably patient little one with an adventurous palate and a real fascination with weddings blessed with parents who would punish the hell out of me without hesitation if I misbehaved badly in public, and I couldn’t have done anything like that. Heck, it would still take some serious mental preparation for that and I haven’t been a child in a painfully long time.

If you do plan on inviting the little ones, you need to keep their needs in mind. Here are a couple thoughts on how to do that:

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So you opened your mail one day recently and found a shimmery pale pink envelope (or a lush, chocolate one, or an austerly elegant ivory-colored one, or one you could barely read through the bright purple printing on cherry red paper) containing a wedding invitation. Perhaps it was one you’d been expecting for weeks. Perhaps it was one you had no clue was coming. Perhaps you are so close to the couple you took part in the invitation addressing party. Perhaps you have to desperately scan your every childhood memory to even figure out who the happy couple might be and why they sent you an invitation to witness their marriage.

Whatever the case, there are things you can do to make sure that you’re the sort of guest people want to invite to other events after this one is over and done with.

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The beautiful Francesca has been celebrating BBB — that would be “big beautiful brides” — over at Manolo for the Big Girl as of late, and I thought I’d hop on the bandwagon. Two posts, both inspired by reader questions, sparked the convo, and I thought I’d put in my two cents.

The first inquiry came from a bride-to-be who feels slighted by the salons she’s visited, but is afraid to buy her gown online because of the rigid no-return policies many online bridal shops have adopted.

She also wants to look like a princess while spending less than $500. I’d recommend this ivory chiffon gown from Torrid Bride. Mind you, the princess I’m picturing is the dignified Audrey Hepburn sort rather than the poufy Cinderella sort, which isn’t really what the reader had in mind. But it’s lovely, it looks comfortable, it costs a mere $220, there’s not a halter in sight, and as far as I can tell, it’s returnable as long as it’s sent back unworn before 45 days have passed.

Hey, there are all sorts of princesses out there! And I always tell my engaged galpals that they should try on all sorts of dresses because the most unexpected gown is sometimes the most beautiful one.

The second inquiry came from a bride-to-be planning a daytime courthouse wedding followed by a small reception. Unlike the first reader, she is “not given to froufrou” in her attire.

Is this frock froufrou? I have not a clue, but I do know that the defined waist and dipping neckline will emphasize what she wants emphasized while the full-ish skirt will hide what she would prefer remain hidden. I can imagine it paired with a large hat in black, pink, or white, and a small bouquet of loosely tied roses. The best part? It costs a mere $70!

PS — I was recently interviewed for an article about online wedding planning for Smartmoney.com and for an article all about iDo for the New York Daily News! Once the former hits the airwaves, I’ll link to it here, and I’ll do my best to scan the latter when it comes out.

Unless the point of the show is to instruct prospective brides in the finer points of carrying out DIY doings, such projects are usually presented on television as a silly idea doomed to failure from the outset because you should leave that sort of thing to the professionals, you silly, incompetent bride-person, you. If they work out, someone carefully points out that if it had gone wrong, clearly the wedding would have been ruined. If the bride, her mother, or her friend is unsuccessful, droll or doleful music is played and the scenes are cut to make it clear that there was never any chance of anything short of disaster.

But is disaster so inevitable? Not necessarily. In fact, if approached thoughtfully and planned intelligently, DIY projects can add tremendously to the intimacy and charm of a wedding without causing undo fuss behind the scenes. Let’s deconstruct a DIY disaster on a recent episode of Bridezillas and see how it might have been done more successfully.

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I rather dislike “X things to do before you X” lists. Why the ambivalent rancor? Well, it seems to me that the best examples of those lists are tailor made to make you feel inadequate if you happen upon them after “you turn 21,” “you have kids,” or “you meet Mr./Mrs. Right.” I know they’re just guidelines, but who’s to say that my X things will be the same as your X things or her X things or his X things?

I was once a single girl who wondered how life would change when I tied the knot, and I’m glad I never stumbled upon MSN’s list of “Single-Girl Things to Do Before You Marry.” It seems to paint a pretty bleak picture of married life…one in which you can’t eat ice cream for dinner or throw crazy parties or put your coffee machine in the bathroom if you really, really want to.

Here are some of the highlights from MSN’s (and Cosmo’s, too) list of suuuuuper important pre-nuptial things to do:

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Recently, I watched an episode of the WE TV series Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?, that blandly unconsidered look into the world of wedding planning. This episode, however, was more interesting than most. It was a look back at several couples featured on the show with updates about their lives and marriages. The first couple profiled had had a bad first year of marriage. In fact, they’d been on the verge of divorce around the eight month mark.

How can any couple hit the skids that hard that fast? Well, listening to the bride was like hearing a recipe for disaster in the making.

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Watching too many wedding reality shows can do strange things to your head. Over the months in which I’ve been writing this blog on weekends, I’ve started watching way too many of these shows. Frankly, I consider it part of my job to know what sort of crap non-advice is lurking in the shadows, as well as what’s worth tuning in to get some great tips.

For the most part, these shows are definitely the nasty things lurking under the bed in terms of advice. Watched uncritically, one could quickly come to the conclusion that weddings cannot be done on a reasonable budget, and that failing to overspend is the worst thing you can do on your big day short of actually assaulting someone. Brides (and far more often grooms and fathers) are berated for asking the simple question ‘does that fit in the budget?’ or for saying outright ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t afford that.’ The rare bride on these shows who dares to ask how something is to be paid for is looked upon with a combination of pity and horror. The men just get ignored with a wink and a smirk.

Then at the end of the show, the prices get toted up (well, on some shows; most don’t ever tell you how badly the budget was blown), and we learn that a pretty pedestrian wedding costs an arm, a leg, and possibly an internal organ or two. After a while, it’s easy to drink the Kook Aid and agree that budgets are made to be ignored.

Don’t fall for this attitude.

Yes, your wedding is important. Choosing to spend your life with someone is a monumental decision that deserves to be treated with due pomp and circumstance. It’s a big deal emotionally, socially, and - for many - spiritually.

At the end of the day, though, it’s…well…one day. It’s flat-out foolish to spend the next five or six years paying for one day’s activities, no matter how important they are.

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That’s the battlecry of my family. If one of us asks another if there might not be a better approach to a task without being asked for advice first, this is what they’re most likely to hear in return. Witness these (semi) real exchanges:

Me: Are you really sure you want this whaling song about a guy leaving his woman for quite possibly ever as your first dance at your wedding reception?

My Brother: Who’s milking the frog? We like it.

Me: And that’s great. Enjoy. (makes mental note not to use same song for own wedding)

or

Me: What would you think of this for the cake?

Mr. Twistie: I don’t really like cake.

Me: What would you like?

Mr. Twistie: No, no, you can have your cake.

Me: But what would you like?

Mr. Twistie: I like fruit tarts.

Me: Wow! That sounds great! Let’s do it!

Mr. Twistie: Don’t you want your cake?

Me: Hey, who’s milking this frog? I can have cake any time I like. You don’t like it, and truth be told I like tarts better, too. Let’s have tarts.

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In a recent article, I talked about how to decide whether to use a professional planner to help create your wedding dreams. It seemed only fair that I also talk about how to decide whether to create most of your wedding from scratch or not.

I’m going to come right out and say that I was a total DIY diva for my wedding. I love to make things by hand, and I hate to spend money on paying someone to do something I’m more than capable of doing for myself. Further, I felt that putting my handwork into the day was part of putting my heart into the event. On top of all that, we had pretty much two shiny nickles to spend on making a day that our friends and families would remember fondly. We just plain didn’t have the bucks to spend on a lot of pros…but even if the budget had been more flexible, I think I would have done the DIY thing pretty much to the level I did. See above in re: putting my heart into the day.

I’ve known brides who have made their own gowns, grown the flowers, deisgned and printed invitations, baked their own cakes, made the wedding feasts in their own kitchens, designed and made all the decorations…I think about the only thing I haven’t seen yet is a bride who cobbled her own wedding shoes. I’m equally sure that somewhere out there is a lady who has done just that.

Still, it’s not for everyone. And that’s why you should ask yourself the following questions when deciding whether or not to DIY and to what extent:

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