After all, minis are on trend right now, but – according to Peters – you will regret wearing one on your wedding day for the rest of your life the instant minis aren’t fashionable any more.

Me, well, I wouldn’t choose a wedding look purely because it’s fashionable, but to assume you’ll hate your own taste in five years because Vogue is now showing something very different is frankly insulting. I’m gearing up to celebrate my ninteenth anniversary with Mr. Twistie, and my wedding album makes me smile. Why? Because it’s an accurate and beautiful representation of an important day in our lives. Because it’s filled with pictures of people we love, some of whom are sadly gone from this world. Because no matter whether the clothes are dated or not, we all looked good.

Peters goes on to say we should all follow the ways of the British royal family in picking our wedding gowns. They, apparently, and with the painfully blatant exception of Princess Diana, ignore fashion completely and thus wear entirely timeless wedding gowns that they can be proud of. Well okay, then.

Is anyone here honestly going to tell me that Princess Anne’s 1973 wedding gown doesn’t look like a gown from 1973? It does. It’s absolutely fashionable for its day… and it’s still a beautiful gown. But it got some serious chuckles in the eighties and nineties.

In thirty years Kate Middleton’s gown is going to look dated, just as Anne’s does today. That doesn’t mean either woman should have chosen a different gown. It also doesn’t mean that a woman with great legs who loves showing them off should cover them up on her wedding day.

Fashions change. That’s the point of fashion. Next week, whatever is in your closet now is going to be out of style. So my take is that you should choose what truly speaks to you. That way no matter how dated it looks, you can still look at it fondly.

You know, sort of like how you should choose a spouse by how well you get along and what values you share in common rather than choosing someone based on whether they’ve got a cool job or not. Cool changes, shared values are less volatile.

My wedding gown is as dated as it can be. Frankly, it looks like it stepped out of a production of Pride and Prejudice. I still adore it… and Mr. Twistie. Was it fashionable in its day? No, it wasn’t. Is it fashionable now? No, it isn’t. Is it timeless? No, it isn’t. Is it a perfect garment for who I was then? Oh, yes it is. Would I choose the same dress today? Quite probably not… and yet I still adore it. I still look at those photos happily.

Oh, and before choosing a wedding gown, I would choose a date and venue. It’s far easier to decide what to wear when you know when and where you’re going to be wearing it than to fit the venue to the dress you happened to pick. Peters disagrees with me, believing that the gown should be your first decision. But then again, she also believes that choosing a dress that isn’t utterly timeless will ruin your wedding album, too.

Your wedding is a big day in your life, but it’s a particular day, in a particular year, in a particular place. Spending too much of your efforts on denying fashions you love is just as big a mistake as trying too hard to follow fashions you don’t care about or dislike.

I would never advise anyone to sublimate their own tastes to the whims of current fashion on a day that’s such an important expression of your individual tastes and beliefs. If you hate the currently fashionable halter necklines, be my guest and tell the consultant at the bridal salon that you don’t even want to look at them. If you loathe lace, buck the trend!

But if you are dreaming of a halter neckline, don’t let fear that it won’t be fashionable in a few years stop you from picking it. If you have dreamed for months of that cool detail you saw in Vera Wang’s latest collection, don’t worry that it won’t always be the latest thing. It won’t be. And that’s okay.

Don’t pressure yourself with adding being utterly timeless to the list of reasons to stress about picking your wedding gown. After all, you’ve got to worry about: budget, ordering schedule, fittings, payments, accessories, pleasing your intended and quite possibly your parents, making sure the gown fits your venue and general wedding concept… that one dress already has way too many pressures riding on it.

Relax. Pick what speaks to you. I do agree with Peters that worrying too much about being fashionable is not a good idea in picking a wedding gown. I just think she takes it too far the other way.

Your wedding is a day when you want to present yourself as utterly you. Whether that’s someone who’s always on trend, someone who bucks trends for breakfast, or – as is far more often the case – something in between, you should wear what makes you feel like you.

Maybe someday you’ll look at your wedding pictures and cringe a bit, but so what? Another day you’ll look at them again and smile. You’ll realize that the most important thing about those pictures isn’t whether your hairstyle turned out like you’d planned or whether you managed to make everything look ‘timeless’ but the fact that it’s a record of who you were and what you felt on that one day, in that one year, in that one place, with the people you loved best by your side.

That’s the part that’s timeless, even if one glance at your wedding album tells everyone precisely what year the pictures were taken.

Not every bride wants a big wedding. Not every groom wants a big wedding. Some couples really, honestly do want a smaller, more intimate celebration with only a select handful of people in attendance. There are parents who absolutely support this, too.

And then there are those who don’t.

If you and your intended want a smaller celebration, but one or both sets of parents are fighting your decision, it can make wedding planning a lot more difficult than it needs to be. But if you can keep things in perspective and find small ways to be flexible, you may just manage to get both families completely on board with your smaller wedding.

My first piece of advice in this situation is don’t take their money. See, when you take money from people to help you make your wedding dreams come true… they tend to feel they have a say in how that money should be spent. And let’s face it, they do have a point. If the money is coming directly out of your own pockets, it’s a lot easier to stand firm with your own priorities. Mom and Dad may want to pay for an orchestra and a plated dinner for two hundred people, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept it. Thank them for their generous offer, and then refuse it as gently as you possibly can.

Of course, no matter how gently you refuse their help and the vision that goes with it, there’s a strong chance of hurt feelings. So please, keep the lines of communication open. Chances are your parents have dreamed of your wedding even longer than you have. They’re just as attached to their image of what it should be like as you are to yours. Acknowledge their feelings. Try to explain to them why you want something so different from what they want. Thank them for caring and wanting the best for you. Hurt feelings may not go away overnight, but a gentle approach makes it easier for everyone to get down off their high horses and allows for faster healing.

This can also make it easier to find out what a big wedding for you means to them. Is it about their culture? Did they have a quickie wedding and regret not having the big blow out? Are they afraid they’ll lose face if your wedding isn’t bigger, better, more expensive and shinier than your cousin Julie’s? Give them the chance to let you know what’s going on in their minds. Sometimes just getting those words out on the table can help you find a way to bridge the gap between your desires and theirs.

Include them in your plans where you can. Okay, you’re not taking that orchestra, but maybe they can help you choose invitations or find a florist. Even if they don’t understand your choices, chances are they’d like to feel their opinion matters to you and your intended. Sometimes accepting their ideas on some aspect of the wedding is enough. Maybe agreeing to roses or a white cake will allow your parents to accept that there will only be a dozen people in attendance.

If you don’t mind a big party, consider a compromise: have a small ceremony followed by a large reception. Your dream wedding may be a handful of people on a beach in Maui, while your parents want a party that will become legendary in their circle. The funny thing is, these are two dreams that don’t have to be in conflict. You can have your romantic elopement and then come home to a huge party. Or you can head off to City Hall on your lunch break with a couple witnesses, and then come to the big party your parents throw where your wedding is announced to family and friends.

Unless you plan to burn all bridges with your family ten minutes after you say ‘I do’ you’ll want to find ways to make as many people comfortable with your plans as possible. Note that I didn’t say ‘happy.’ In some cases, comfortable is as close as you’re going to get and you need to learn to accept that. But if you approach the situation as gracefully as you can, you’ll find comfortable can happen even when dreams are radically different.

While planning your wedding, chances are you’ll hire several vendors to help your dreams come true. If you look around, you’ll find a lot of opinions about this. Some people think that wedding vendors are evil stooges of an international conspiracy. Others that wedding vendors are angels sent from Heaven above to aid brides in making their dreams come true.

But here’s the thing: wedding vendors are just people in business for themselves.

That means that some of them are wonderful, warm, highly competent people and others are greedy, unscrupulous people. Some mean well but aren’t really all that good at what they do. Others are excellent at their jobs but unpleasant to work with. Most, I believe, choose their profession because they truly enjoy helping make wedding dreams come true… but they aren’t doing it purely out of the kindness of their hearts. They’re doing it to make money.

What does that mean for you? It means that you need to be diligent about finding competent vendors who can do what you want done, and who can give helpful input. It means that you need to keep in mind that most vendors think their piece of the wedding is the most important one, so you need to really consider how important it is to you as an individual couple getting married. It means you need to dot your i’s and cross your t’s in business and legal terms. It means that you get to make the final decisions about what services you do and do not want from this vendor.

But there’s another side of the coin to remembering that your vendors are just people: you need to treat them with the same consideration as you treat any other person. If the vendor is going to be onsite during the wedding (musicians, DJs, photographers, cater waiters, etc.) you’ll need to discuss things like breaks, whether and how they will be fed, where they will park, and what time they will be done with the job.

Whether or not they will be on site, remember the feelings of your vendors. Treat them with respect and courtesy in a professional manner.

After all, behaving in an entitled, bossy way only makes people want to cross you more. Listen carefully and with an open mind to suggestions. Ask questions about anything you don’t understand. Don’t assume that the florist, caterer, or DJ you’ve hired is out to get you… unless you get firm proof of the fact. Communicate as clearly and as promptly as you can. Remember that this person is just doing his or her job – the one you hired him or her to do for you – and probably wants it to go well so that you’ll spread the word about their business.

Ultimately, vendors are people, and people come in all kinds of ways. Just try to be the best person you can be while dealing with them, and it will go a long way toward making things work out well.

But not every bride is so serene.

On your wedding day you may cry,

Or you may laugh.

The important thing to remember is that no matter how you react emotionally at the altar, it’s okay. You’re allowed to cry, you’re allowed to laugh, and you’re allowed to do a bit of each. You’re allowed to be utterly serene and unflappable.

Just be you.

Everyone will understand.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past couple weeks catching up with a bridal reality show I’d managed to miss for a long, long time. Say Yes to the Dress Bridesmaids is yet another spinoff of the original Say Yes about shopping for wedding gowns at Kleinfeld in New York City. This one, though, is a spinoff of a spinoff and takes place at Bridals By Lori, featured in Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta.

The series is on par both in production values and general sorts of message offered with the other shows in the franchise. The search for a dress is presented as a power struggle with a villain, a damsel in distress, and the heroic members of Lori’s team arriving to save the day… or at least the appointment. And most often, in the episodes I’ve seen, at least, one or more bridesmaids take on the role of villain.

This can happen. I have actually been in a wedding where one bridesmaid ran amok and tried to change the entire wedding to suit her rather than the bride.

But my experience has been that the vast majority of bridesmaids, like the vast majority of brides, mean well and honestly want everyone to be happy. It’s just that not everyone may have precisely the same priorities and needs. Taking a moment to really think about your bridesmaids’ needs and priorities might just avoid some awkward situations along the way.

You’re not the only one with a budget. You may have a lavish budget for your wedding (it happens!), but one or more of your closest friends may be seriously sweating paying for that dress… and shoes… and jewelry… and transportation… and two shower gifts… and a wedding gift… and anything else coming along. Every extra expense may actually make the difference between having your friend stand with you at the alter with her rent paid and a decent meal to eat the next day or not. So if you want something extra like matching manicures or updos, consider paying for it yourself. And do be sure to let any strapped bridesmaids know (privately, of course!) that their presence is present enough.

The cost of being a bridesmaid can add up quickly. Do your best not to add to any potential debt disaster for your friends. Lori may have been scandalized by two bridesmaids worrying about an extra six dollars for the dress, but she doesn’t know how high their student loan payments are or what kind of rent they’re paying. It really could be that an extra six dollars on an evening gown they would never wear again meant an extra three days of living on beans and rice.

Comfort does matter. If you’ve got bridesmaids who have never worn high heels, this might not be the time to go with five inch stilettos. If you have a maid of honor who last wore a dress to her first high school formal, try to take a moment to talk with her about how she would feel wearing an evening gown. If you have someone in your wedding party who has difficulty standing for long periods, make sure you arrange for ways for her to sit down during the ceremony, especially if you’re having a long one.

Taking a few minutes to think about someone else’s comfort will not only be of practical use to your bridesmaids, but it also takes some of the focus off yourself, which can reduce bridal stress, oddly enough.

Don’t ask for opinions or ideas if you aren’t going to listen to them. I’m not saying turn the wedding planning into a free-for-all. In fact, you’re perfectly free not to ask any opinions of your bridesmaids at all… though I wouldn’t personally recommend it. All I’m saying is that if you ask for opinions, be prepared to really listen and consider what’s being suggested. Think about their ideas before simply rejecting them.

You never know. Your junior bridesmaid might just come up with a fantastic idea that really makes the reception.

Please and thank you are your friends. Most people who care about you truly do want to help out, but a little consideration keeps them feeling that way.

If your bridesmaids are getting stroppy, ask yourself when you last said thanks for the things they’re doing for you. It may be time to let them know how much you appreciate them wearing a color they hate or running bridal errands for you… though it could also be you’ve got a generally annoyed bridesmaid just acting out. Speaking of which:

Communication is important. Sometimes it’s not something specific you’ve done that is making someone act out. Sometimes it’s a general sense of not being taken seriously, or fear that your marriage will change your relationship with your friend, or jealousy… or goodness alone knows what.

If that’s the case, take that woman aside for a heart-to-heart and see if you can get to the root of the problem.

Then again, there’s communication and there’s not knowing when to stop beating a dead horse. Which leads me to:

Remember the buck stops with you. There are times when a really strong-minded person – even with the best possible motives – becomes a pain by trying to take over. Make it clear that you appreciate input and intend to do your best to find solutions to issues, but that you are the one getting married and that means you get the final say. If you’ve got five women on the same page with you and one fighting, it’s time to put your foot down. Not only will the question be done with, five other innocent bystanders won’t wind up wasting time waiting for the argument to be over.

Make time to just be friends. Planning a wedding has a way of taking over lives. Remember to take time to do the sorts of things you’ve always done with your sister, your friend, your niece, your brother, or whomever is attending you. It makes the transition time easier emotionally for everyone, including you.

Ideally, the people standing next to you at the altar ought to be the people who will support you and your new marriage over time. With a little consideration and a little thought, you can make sure they’ll still be there when you get back from the honeymoon.

The Gearys engaged the photographic team of Ian McCloskey and Nikki Carter to photograph their wedding at a price of seven hundred fifty pounds sterling.

Lest you think that first photo is a complete fluke, here’s another example of McCloskey and Carter’s Work:

The entire album is brimful of blurry, poorly composed, amateurish shots just like these. In fact, in the picture of the Gearys signing their wedding register, there’s a disembodied hand holding a toy motorcycle where McCloskey and Carter attempted to edit out the bride’s small nephew… and failed.

When the Gearys saw their photos, they thought at first it was a joke and the real pictures would come soon. They soon discovered this was no joke. They demanded their money back.

It was not to be. McCloskey and Carter had already disbanded the business in the face of a string of disgruntled customers demanding their money back.

Gee, I wonder why.

But the really sad thing is that this entire situation could have been avoided. How? The Gearys could have taken a little time and trouble to check out McCloskey and Carter’s credentials.

When picking a vendor to handle any aspect of your wedding, always be certain to ask to see recent examples of their work and get references… then call the references and ask them about both the quality of the work and how it was working with that vendor. Do a quick Google search and see if you find complaints filed about them – and for what.

Finding a good photographer on a really tight budget isn’t easy. If you’ve got less than the average to spend, you may find yourself choosing between mediocre pictures of the entire event or a smaller number of pictures that are done better. Only you can decide which better suits your needs. But I can guarantee you one thing: pictures this bad shouldn’t ever happen for pay.

In fact, I got better pictures of my wedding from guests who barely knew which end of a camera was which!

But we also have a beautiful album of professional shots that make me smile every time I look at them.

You’re making a major life change and throwing what will mostly likely be the biggest, most elaborate party of your life, and doing both while navigating huge, conflicting expectations from the most important people in your life.

No wonder a lot of brides have meltdowns and so many grooms shy away from doing more than saying ‘yes, dear’ in the planning stages!

Nevertheless, it is actually possible to reduce the stress involved and even have a really good time planning and attending your own wedding. And as it would happen, I have a few suggestions.

1: Know your planning style. I’m not talking about colors or level of formality here, but how you best handle making plans. Are you a hands-on or a hands-off kind of person? What about your intended? If one of you wants a finger in every pie and the other wants to be told where to show up and when, then go with that, even if the roles chosen are not gender-traditional.

If you both want to have your hands all over it, choose who takes lead in each area and offer one another options you’ve winnowed down in advance.

If neither of you wants to handle the big stuff, hire someone to do it for you. They’re called wedding planners, and they can take care of stuff for you if you aren’t well organized or if you honestly don’t care very much about the details, or even if you know what you want but don’t know how to go about getting it.

There’s no right or wrong here. There is only what works for you as a couple. Don’t fight your essential nature, but use it.

2: Don’t hire any vendor you don’t trust. It doesn’t matter if the florist you’re looking at fits your budget and has a long list of glowing reviews on Yelp. You took one look and didn’t trust her to come through. At that point, it doesn’t matter whether your gut is right or wrong. You still won’t feel comfortable working with this person and that means you won’t be able to relax about the bouquets and centerpieces. That adds unnecessary stress. Find someone else to do the job.

3: If someone offers money, find out what the strings attached are before you say yes. It’s awfully rare for someone to give you a large sum of cash without expecting something in return for it… or at least a very large say in how it’s spent. Know what their expectations are before you accept the offer. After all, it’s sweet of your future in-laws to offer to pay for the catering, but they may then believe they have the final say in the menu. That may be fine with you, and if so, go for it! On the other hand, if their menu choices mean you won’t be able to eat the food at your own wedding, thank them for their generosity and then let them know you’ve made other arrangements… then make those arrangements as quickly as you can!

4: Take breaks from wedding planning. Whether your timeline is a year or a week, make sure you don’t spend every moment breathing wedding plans. Spend time doing things that aren’t wedding-related, follow other interests, remember that there’s a whole world of things that have nothing to do with orders of service, stationery, or threatening the DJ with a hideous death should he dare to play the Electric Slide.

A lot of women have talked about feeling like they fell off the edge of a cliff after their weddings. This feeling is a lot less prevalent in brides (and grooms) who don’t fixate too intensely on wedding planning.

So take in a movie, go for a run, read about a topic that interests you, angle for that promotion at work, take a class or take some time to indulge in your favorite hobby. Not only will it help keep the wedding in perspective, your friends will enjoy your company more if you have something other than tulle and flower girls to talk about.

5: Know that something will go wrong. Trust me, something always does. It isn’t always a big thing, by any means, but it will happen. Whether it’s noisy latecomers, a lost bouquet, a sudden failure of the sound system, a slightly tipsy guest making an embarrassing speech, or the delivery of the wrong cake, it’s only a disaster if you make it one. Accepting that something will be imperfect makes it a lot easier to deal with and make the best of that imperfection.

By the way, every single one of these things happened to someone whose wedding I attended. The only one that turned into a disaster was the lost throwing bouquet. The bride in that case held up the entire reception for an hour while the bouquet was sought out and brought to her. Seriously. And she threw tantrums while we all waited for the reception to begin.

The lady who received the wrong cake? She took it in stride. She decided that since it would feed all her guests, fit into her color scheme that included gold, and was originally meant for someone else’s fiftieth wedding anniversary, she would take it as a good omen for her marriage.

Nobody noticed anything wasn’t as it was intended to be.

Oh, and those noisy late arrivals at my wedding? No biggie. We all had a good laugh and went on with the ceremony. My guess is that most of the guests have long forgotten that incident. What they remember is a fun party with plenty of food and drink to go around in a pretty place. And even if they do remember that sudden cry of ‘we heard there was a wedding somewhere around here’ they probably still giggle a little as it… as do I.

6: Take care of your physical health in the weeks leading up to your wedding. Sure, getting married can take a lot of work. And there are always going to be some jitters involved when making such a huge, life-changing step. All the same, you can make it easier on your nerves and your immune system if you do your best to take care of your body.

So do your best to get enough to eat and focus on nutritionally dense foods. Take moderate exercise of a sort that’s appropriate to your ability level and feels good mentally, too. Aim for eight hours of sleep each night. Not only will you relax more, you’ll glow in your wedding photos!

7: Think about your guest’s comfort. Take the focus off yourself here and there and really consider what will keep your guests happy. Take the time to decide whether the chairs feel good to sit in, whether there are enough bathroom facilities, and what you can do to provide shade and air circulation on a very hot day.

When you spend time considering the needs and comfort of others, funnily enough, you take a lot of stress off yourself… and those little things you do to take care of other peoples’ comfort also help you have a comfortable time.

So. Dieting to fit into your wedding gown. Can we talk about this for a minute?

Since I write a wedding planning blog, I do see a lot of articles about how best to lose those unwanted pounds, because really, who wants to be fat on her wedding day? At least, the common assumption is that you want to lose weight for your wedding. In fact, I remember having several people tell me when I got engaged that there are two things every bride in the world does: grows her hair out and goes on a diet.

Funny, I did neither. Okay, my hair was already as long as it will grow, so there really wasn’t any way to grow it longer. But I had been thinner in my life, and I didn’t go on a diet, either.

But back to these articles.

A scary number of them promote some truly unhealthy practices. For instance, this morning I woke to an article about the trendy new K-E diet plan. As far as I can tell from a quick Google search, this one started popping up about december of last year. Most of the articles I can find on it seem more like advertorials, and I found a couple inquiries on wedding planning boards… but I’m not finding a lot of reliable information beyond that.

Still, the description that popped up on Yahoo Headlines this morning does include some rather frightening details. Apparently this ‘diet plan’ consists of having a feeding tube inserted nasally and carrying a feeding bag with you everywhere you go. That’s right! You don’t eat for ten days. You carry around a feeding bag that gives you a steady drip of nutrients (800 calories a day with 0 – that’s a whopping zero – carbohydrates) and don’t ingest anything orally for more than a week.

Putting aside the discomfort of the feeding tube, the general oddness of not being able to eat anything solid for no good medical reason, and the annoyance of both carrying that bag around and explaining to everyone why you have a feeding tube in your nose when you don’t have a medical condition that requires it, let’s look at the nutritional breakdown here, shall we?

The average, relatively sedentary, adult woman aged 19 – 30 requires roughly 2000 calories a day according to WebMD, which is not exactly a bastion of anti-diet rhetoric. In fact, I used up a lot of Sanity Watcher’s points just checking that statistic, because the page was festooned with diet plan ads and articles about how to diet more effectively. If you’re active or pregnant, your baseline caloric needs will be higher. Also, this is an average. Your specific needs may be somewhat higher or lower based simply on how your body uses and stores energy.

But let’s accept 2000 calories a day as what a relatively sedentary, adult woman needs to meet her energy requirements and stay fairly healthy. This diet plan requires her to carry a calorie deficit of 1200 calories a day for a week and a half.

For comparison, prisoners in the Auschwitz concentration camp were fed between 1300 and 1700 calories of food per day, depending on whether or not they were expected to do hard labor.

Admittedly, those prisoners were forced to continue this caloric deficit for months to years rather than less than two weeks, but it still gives us a baseline reason to worry about the health benefits of this ‘treatment.’ I think ‘less food than Auschwitz’ officially puts this concept into the extreme category.

And let’s take a look at nutrition, too, shall we? Because while carbs get a really bad rap in today’s food culture, the fact is we all need them. Contrary to what a lot of people think, carbohydrates aren’t a food group consisting entirely of refined sugar, white rice, potatoes, pasta, and Twinkies. Carbohydrate, along with protein and fat, is a macronutrient. All foods contain at least one of these macronutrients, and many contain at least two. There is a carbohydrate element in every fruit and vegetable you eat, as well as in all grains and pulses.

So what does carbohydrate give us? In a word, energy. There’s a reason distance runners and swimmers eat a lot of pasta: it’s an efficient way of getting a lot of energy to the muscles so they can do what is demanded of them.

In short, this diet places its followers on a starvation level of caloric intake combined with the removal of the element that allows us the energy to exercise. It does so to the detriment of social interaction using unnecessary medical interventions.

All to fit into a dress.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it’s the job of the dress to fit you, not your job to fit into the dress.

When choosing what to wear for your wedding, buy it to fit the body you already have, not the one you wish you had. If your body is prone to weight fluctuation, pick a style that is forgiving of a little variation. Don’t make a huge, drastic change to your diet or exercise routine close to the wedding. Just try to eat from a variety of foods, get enough rest, move your body in a way you enjoy, hydrate well for a healthy glow, and let your waistline be what it will.

After all, your intended chose you knowing what you look like. Love your body. Treat it well. It isn’t the enemy. Your body is you. Why spend your time fighting you?

No dress is worth putting your health in harm’s way.

Sure a few famous women – mostly movie stars and novelists – might continue to use their birth names professionally, but for most women marriage spelled the end of any professional life that might require continuity of address. She might get a job, particularly once the children were in school, but she wouldn’t have a profession. And even if she did have a profession, her professional identity would change to suit her social one.

Today, though, there are a lot more options. You can follow the traditional form. You can hyphenate. You can simply go by the names you used before you got married. You can both change to something completely new. You can go socially by your husband’s name and professionally by your birth name. I even knew one woman who kept her own name socially but used her husband’s professionally. She was a kindergarten teacher and the kids found his last name easier to pronounce than hers.

The decision, as I have said many times before, is entirely up to the two people getting married. Whether you’re a traditionalist or a same-sex couple that can’t abide the idea of one of you being the ‘bride’ and one the ‘groom’ no matter your gender and feelings about your names, though, one thing is for sure: today you cannot assume that everyone will know what choice you have made.

So how do you get the information across to your entire social circle?

Word of mouth is always appropriate, of course. Tell your immediate family and wedding party what your decision is. If someone thinks to ask, tell them without defensiveness or timidity. This is a statement of fact. How they choose to react to it is not your responsibility. If they want to argue, simply assure them you’ve made your decision and that’s the end of the matter. Then pointedly change the subject. I have found ‘How about that local sports franchise?’ to be an excellent signal that it’s time to move on.

But I think there’s an even better way to handle the announcement and it’s surprisingly old fashioned: the at home card.

(Illustration via Spark Love Notes)

Once upon a time, these clever little cards were used to inform potential visitors of the ‘at home’ days and times of the lady of the house. These were the times when she would make herself available to callers. But they were also used by newlyweds to let their friends know where they were setting up home as well as those times when they could be visited.

Today most of us don’t lead the sort of lives that are conducive to sitting in the parlor waiting to see who wants to come see us. We’re too busy actually going places, doing things, and arranging specific times and places to see the people we want to see.

All the same, they can be useful in letting people know: your new address (if that is changing), how you wish to be addressed, and when you’ll be back from your honeymoon in one fell swoop.

So drop one of these business card sized cards into your invitations, and everyone will know how you wish to be addressed in future!

We all know that planning a wedding often runs to money. In fact, for many of us our wedding will be the largest, most complex party we ever throw.

We also all know there are ways of cutting the budget that make a lot of sense… but what about the ones that don’t seem that sensible on the surface? Every once in a while, it turns out the way that looked the most cost-effective isn’t.

Here are a couple ideas you may not think would save you money, but really can if applied thoughtfully as well as a couple cost-saving measures that may not really save you very much at all.

Don’t DIY everything. Yes, I know, I’m always talking about how great DIY is, and it is if you have the time, talent, and confidence to do it well. But it’s not always the best way to cut the budget unless you have access to really great deals.

For instance, my gown was a DIY project. I made the lace and one of my bridesmaids sewed the actual gown. It was an amazing project, a gorgeous one-of-a-kind gown, and yes, it did save me money… but only because I had access to a wholesale-to-the-public fabric source, and the woman who sold me the thread for eleven yards of pure silk bobbin lace gave me a bulk discount for buying so much thread, and the seamstress did all that work (and it was a lot!) for almost free. If that hadn’t been the case, I would have wound up spending a lot more money, or using materials that wouldn’t have made it worth my while.

So before you decide to take on a major DIY project for your wedding, take a moment to figure out whether it’s going to save you money or not, especially if that’s the primary reason you want to do the work yourself.

The cheapest source isn’t always the cheapest. If you’re looking at venues, or vendors and one gives you a much lower estimate cost than any of the others… double check that offer with extreme caution. Unless it’s your favorite uncle giving you a family discount, chances are there are some potentially nasty surprises in the fine print. And the most expensive offer may include something that makes paying the higher base price well worth it to you for longrun savings.

For instance, that higher-priced venue may include a nice perk like open bar or free centerpieces that will save you a few bucks once you look at how much they would cost to get from another source. And that really bargain basement one? Might not include the rental of tables and chairs, let alone linens and cutlery. Even if the base price includes everything, the quality of those things may be so pitiful that you’ll spend way too much to upgrade to a bare minimum.

If you have to choose between a pretty space and a cheap one, go for the pretty space. Believe it or not, this can save you a lot of money. And if it doesn’t, it still puts the buck where the bang is, which is always a good idea.

After all, if you find a space that’s cheap but ugly, you can spend a fortune on decorations and still wind up with an ugly space that’s suddenly costing an arm and a leg. If you choose a place that’s already pretty, you can cut way back on decorations, which are often surprisingly expensive, and still wind up wowing your guests.

Home is where the heart is, but it may not be budget friendly. A lot of people assume that throwing a wedding at home will save them all kinds of cash. It can… but only if the circumstances are just right.

Really consider the size of your home and garden, and how they look. Will you need to do expensive upgrades to make things work? What items will you have to rent? Do you have the capacity in your kitchen to turn out a wedding feast, or will you need a caterer anyway? Is there enough parking in your neighborhood? Or will you need to make arrangements with a valet parking service? Will you need to rent port-a-potties?

Chances are home isn’t a practical place to hold a wedding with more guests than you would invite over for a Christmas or New Year’s Eve party, and it may even be wise to invite less people than that. So if you plan to make it a really big blow out, it’s probably more practical and less expensive to just hire a hall of some sort.

Free can turn out to be surprisingly expensive. If someone offers you the opportunity to use their talents or borrow their stuff for the wedding, there are times when it’s still cheaper to turn them down.

Sure, your mother may offer you her wedding gown, but what if it isn’t something you’d be caught wearing dead in a ditch? What if your body is a completely different size and shape than hers? How much alteration is she willing to see you do to her wedding gown? Will she ever let you forget that you: cut it short/dyed it another color/added trims/removed trims/altered it to be strapless/altered it to have sleeves? And how much money will you spend on having it remade to fit your body and your style? Will it actually be less expensive – both financially and emotionally – to just go out and find a dress that’s more your style and fits your body more closely?

Yes, your cousin loves to take pictures and offers to be your official photographer… but is she any good at it? Will you wind up regretting accepting this cost-cutting measure? How important are the pictures to you?

As with so many things in life, your wedding budget is a balancing act between what you want and what you can get. Be sure to weigh the options carefully before you decide where to put your resources.