But not every bride is a DIY diva. Not every bride is good at all the things that go into making a wedding pretty and unique. Not every bride has the time or the inclination to create very much by hand. And you know what? Any one of those things is a good reason to leave the work to the experts and have it done for you.

And then there’s the bride who really wants to make at least one or two things, but isn’t certain what projects to pick. How do you choose what to make for yourself and what to give to a professional to do?

As per usual, I’ve got a few thoughts on the subject.

First off, think about what you’re really good at. Do you have a unique skill that could come in handy? Whether that skill is flower arranging, baking, sewing, woodwork, graphic design, or tying a really gorgeous bow, chances are you can work it into something to do with your wedding.

Think, too, about how you want your event to feel to guests. It’s easier to work the handmade into a theme of ‘rustic fun’ than ‘Tiffany’s’ just as a f’rinstance. In general, the more laid back you want things, the easier it is to make it work with basic level DOY skills. Since Mr. Twistie and I were doing a picnic in the woods, simple rustic foods and hand-tied sheaf bouquets were exactly what we wanted and easy for me to create with a couple helping hands. If we’d been doing Disco Glam, yeah, that would have been a bit less successful, I think.

Consider your budget and where you want to put the most money. If you’ve decided to put most of your budget into photography and a spectacular cake, then making DIY centerpieces can save you some money on decor, allowing you to stay in budget… so long as you plan thoughtfully. And that brings me to another thing most of us don’t think too hard about:

Figure out if it will cost more or less to DIY the project you have in mind. Yes, sometimes it actually winds up costing more, depending on what you’re trying to do and what resources you have to hand. If it’s going to cost more and it’s not terribly important to you to do the project yourself, then save yourself both time and money by buying. If it’s available cheaper, but it’s important to you to do it yourself, make sure you include everything in your budget and go right ahead.

Really consider the time available. If Mr. Twistie and I had decided to get married six months after he popped the question, I wouldn’t have been able to make my wedding lace. The lace took a year. The gown took another six months. There wouldn’t have been time. Most women are really busy on a day-to-day basis. Jobs, school, kids, hobbies, social lives… not everyone can do everything they need to do in a day and then add in two hours of working on making their own wedding invitations or sewing up fabulous linens for the big day. Triple the stress involved if the wedding date is close.

Making projects for your wedding is great fun, so long as you think carefully about what you’re going to do and how you’re going to do it. Pick your projects with care, and you’ll be able to enjoy them with pride on your big day.

There’s even plenty of literature to back that up. Not just novels, though the theme is rife in books that feature weddings, but in films, TV shows, and even blogs about weddings.

For instance, a recent article at the Huffington Post by wedding gown designer Justina McCaffrey chronicles the way she sees career woman after career woman morph from a no-nonsense, phone-glued-to-the-ear customer in search of a simple white pantsuit to get married in to a dewy-eyed Disney princess in the making.

It is the abandoned dream and vision of herself that was once forgotten somewhere between the divorce of her parents, high school exams, and her first broken heart. It is the internal struggle of regrets versus survival and that suddenly in the mirror a vision of herself looking like she is in love, and looking like she is vulnerable, and even giddy with joy makes her uncomfortable. It is a woman that she does not know. It is the woman she used to be, even as a little girl.

She cries as she sees herself in a white ballgown and veil. She is a princess.

But there’s something McCaffrey doesn’t mention: not all women react the same way to their wedding gown. Just as not every woman walks in holding a business conference on her phone while shopping for a dress, not every woman is just waiting for the princess within to be revealed.

Just as not every girl wants a church wedding, not every girl truly wants a ballgown and veil. And some who do want them won’t react so violently when they put them on.

Some women react more like Kate Fridkis in her recent Huffpo article: What if You Don’t Become a Fairy Princess in Your Wedding Gown?

For a long time, I hoped that something magical would happen when I dressed up. I hoped that I’d transform. I’d watched too many movies. I’d had too many friends with excellent collarbones and sculpted shoulders that were practically begging to be bared. I thought that the ability to undergo a metamorphosis from normal to stunning with a few simple props was an integral part of being a successful woman. I certainly thought it was an essential part of being a bride.

Now I’m not sure it is. I’m sort of glad I looked like me on my wedding day. After all, it was me getting married. Not a fairy princess. I mean, I was glad my husband looked like himself, in his tux. I wanted to see his familiar face, not the face of Prince Charming. That would’ve freaked me out.

I have to admit, I didn’t cry when I put on my wedding gown. I didn’t tear up. I was happy, certainly, and thought I looked pretty damn great… but I was just me in a better than normal dress. And Mr. Twistie was himself in a morning suit and top hat. That was something I’d seen before. It’s a nice sight, of course, but not something once-in-a-lifetime.

And you know what? That’s okay.

You really don’t have to release the princess within to get married. It’s even entirely possible she just isn’t there to be released.

Shopping for a wedding gown can be one of the most exciting, and one of the most frustrating parts of planning a wedding.

It’s exciting because you’re getting to play dress up with wildly luxurious dresses, the like of which you will probably never wear again. It’s exciting because finding that just right dress makes the whole thing seem real for the first time to a lot of women. It’s exciting because salons pamper brides.

It’s frustrating because it’s rare that a bride has the budget for the really spectacular gowns. It’s frustrating because sometimes it’s hard to know which gown to pick… especially when choosing between gowns that look an awful lot alike. It’s frustrating because everyone you bring with you has an opinion, and sometimes it’s the polar opposite of yours, which leads to second-guessing and fear of making a bad decision.

And then there are those oh-so-helpful guides to choosing the right gown for your figure flaws.

My advice? Ignore them! Forget they exist!

In the first place, your body is not a problem to be solved. It’s a fabulous piece of natural machinery and one that was involved in making someone else fall in love. Your intended and your family and your friends – if they’re doing it right – see your physical beauty as well as your more inner beauty. On your wedding day, they’ll see how happily you glow, how much joy you’re feeling. They’ll see how radiant you are and appreciate that no matter what the packaging looks like.

In the second place, these guides all seem to assume that you have one single figure issue and you want to hide it. These guides tell you what to do if you’re short, and they tell you what to do if you’re pear-shaped… but they assume that short women by definition aren’t pear-shaped and give conflicting advice. And assuming the one, burning desire of all short brides is to look taller… well, some women love to emphasize something that is not conventionally appreciated. I’ve known many a short woman – myself included – who has no interest in appearing taller, and several who deliberately emphasize their petite stature.

Speaking of that conflicting advice, take a look at this guide to choosing the best wedding gown for your figure. Apparently, the single least likely to look good feature on any gown for any bride is… sleeves. Ditching sleeves makes you look taller, keeps your hourglass figure proportional, both increases and decreases your bust visually… oh, except that every single bride in the world looks great in cap sleeves. And heavy brides need sleeves to keep from showing the world our humongous hammy arms. I know a lot of women who consider cap sleeves the bane of the fashion world. And I know plenty of my fellow fats who defend their right to bare arms.

In the third place, these guides ignore something vital: personality. According to every style guide I’ve ever seen for short women, I need to ditch any large, dramatic features or accessories. My tiny frame cannot handle them, you see. But even when I weighed a hundred pounds soaking wet, the fastest way to make me disappear straight into the wallpaper was to take away my drama. Big accessories, bright colors, and a willingness to go for broke in fashion terms have always made me the center of attention.

By the same token. I’ve known women who the style guides would have told to layer on drama, but who looked ridiculous if they took that advice. Their personalities made them better suited to dainty accessories, pastels, and simple cuts.

You know who you are better than a salon consultant who met you two minutes ago. Be clear with her about your personal style and your priorities. Give her the best snapshot idea you can of who she’s dressing before she goes to pull gowns.

After all, you don’t want the most important dress of your life to be all about covering something up: you want it to display the best of you in the best possible way.

No, it’s not about money or venues or an accessory or how you choose to wear your hair. It’s much, much more basic than that.

In the end it doesn’t matter whether you choose to marry on a Hawaiian beach or in a hotel ballroom, a grand cathedral or a garden. It doesn’t matter whether you have five people or five hundred with you in the moment, whether your reception is an hour of coffee and cake or a marathon dancing and dining spectacular. It doesn’t matter whether you wear a designer gown and veil or dime store finds. All of these things are matters of preference, tradition, expectation, or self-expression. Not one of them interferes with or assures this one secret:

Graciousness.

If you take a few minutes in every planning session to think about how your guests will be affected by your plans and readjust them (the plans, not the guests!) where necessary, you’ll wind up with a room full of happy people who have somewhere to put down their drinks, can find what’s happening next without confusion, and know precisely where to go when nature calls.

If you consider whether there is enough shelter from wind, rain, or excessive sun, you won’t find an avoidable medical emergency happening in the middle of your wedding. If you take the time to really determine how many people will fit on your dance floor vs how many people will want to dance, you won’t face either too much dance floor with non-dancers squeezed to the edges of the room, or an inadvertent mosh pit at your reception.

Thinking about the comfort and needs of others not only helps avoid logistical pitfalls, it does a second thing that makes a huge difference: it takes the focus off of you and your family for a minute. It reminds you that this is not your One Shining Moment, but a celebration with a community. It diffuses the stagefright. It puts your feet back on terra firma, where they belong.

It also does another wonderful thing: when you consider how others are feeling, what they need, and whether they’re happy, suddenly they feel a great deal more willing to help you make your plans come together. Brides who don’t bully their bridesmaids about their weight/tattoos/unorthodox hair colors are more likely to find at least one willing to help out on a project or run an errand or two. Brides who don’t explode with anger at every slight snafu are more likely to find help fixing the problems that crop up along the way. And brides who don’t find the extra help at least don’t alienate their friends and family members before the wedding starts.

Graciousness and thoughtfulness are hideously underrated traits. They smooth the way for us in social situations. And contrary to popular opinion, they are not simply code for ‘doormat’ either. It is perfectly possible to be both gracious and strong.

If anything, you may find yourself basking in the glow of Michael Palin syndrome. Back when he was a member of Monty Python’s Flying Circus, the group would hold meetings to determine whose work was good enough to go in the next episode. John Cleese has said in interviews that everybody hated to pass on Michael’s sketches because he was just so nice to everyone else about theirs.

Channel your inner Michael Palin. Not only will it win you friends and influence people, it’s kind of a happy way to go through life.

And if there’s one thing I know from my many misspent years in retail sales, it’s that miserable feet make it extra-difficult to keep up a picture-perfect smile. When it came time to plan my own wedding, comfortable feet were among the less traditional priorities I chose. It paid off, too. When I got ready for a quiet evening of basking in being married to Mr. Twistie, my feet felt as good as they had that morning when I rolled out of bed.

The funny thing is, it wasn’t all that difficult. If you’re thinking about how to keep your feet happy all day, I’ve got a few tips to help you in your efforts.

Wear a heel height you’re already comfortable in. I’m not going to try to tell you what that is, because some women live in flats, others in four inch heels. Each of them looks at the other as some sort of bizarre biological experiment, utterly unable to fathom that it works. Me? I get a nosebleed in one-inch heels. I opted for dancing shoes. Specifically, my Scottish dancing ghillies. They’re built a bit like ballet slippers, only with more laces up the foot. And they were bright scarlet. And since I already owned them, they saved me money, too.

Speaking of dancing shoes, consider some of the dance shoe manufacturers. Makers like Capezio and companies that specialize in ballroom dance shoes are a great place to look. Their shoes need to look great and feel comfortable for hours of dancing.

Even if you decide against a dance shoe company, look for some of the same features, like padded insoles, that will help you feel light on your feet while you’re dancing ’til dawn. Even a pair of good old Dr. Scholl’s inserts can make a huge difference for your feet.

Make sure your shoes fit properly and break them in well before the wedding day. When you go in to choose your shoes, consider asking to have your feet properly measured before you even begin. A surprising number of us assume we know what size our feet are, and are wearing the wrong size shoe. After all, weight gain or loss or pregnancy can change the size of your feet. Or it could simply be that the rest of you stopped growing several years ago, but your feet kept on for another half size or so that you never really noticed. Believe it or not, that happened to me.

As for breaking them in, we’ve all bought pretty shoes for some special occasion and then left them carefully in the box until the big day only to find that they rub our heels or pinch in some odd spot. If you’re wearing white or ivory shoes and fear getting them scuffed or dirty, wear them around the house with a pair of socks over them for protection. Then step carefully! The socks don’t have the same traction as the soles of your shoes.

Take care of any foot issues in advance. Bunions, heel spurs, plantar fasciitis, ingrown toenails… feet are prone to a lot of potentially painful issues. If you’ve got one, try to schedule an appointment with a podiatrist well before your wedding to see what – if anything – can be done to fix it. If you can’t fix it, or it can’t be done right then, ask for advice on handling your particular issue for your wedding. Trust me, you won’t be the first person to ask a similar question.

Ask someone to make sure you sit down once in a while on your wedding day. It’s easy to wind up in a wedding day fog going from one activity or photo op to another without really being in the moment. In fact, a good 85% of all brides I’ve known have wound up on automatic pilot at some point in the proceedings. So ask someone you trust to keep an eye on you and make you sit and pull yourself back into the moment if that happens to you. You don’t want to spend seven or eight hours without having gotten off your feet for more than two minutes, and you want to have some clear memories of the day. Also, you will want to eat. All three of these issues are well served by one person keeping half an eye on you.

If all else fails, a hot bath helps a lot with tired, sore feet. It happens. You do everything right, and still wind up with aching feet. If that turns out to be the case, consider a warm bath for two with some soothing lavender. After all, there are worse ways to start a honeymoon!

But there’s a funny thing about average statistics: they reflect all weddings and none, not any one specific wedding.

You see, those numbers include things like Kim Kardashian’s recent multi-million-dollar extravaganza that resulted in mere weeks of actual marriage… and it includes that couple who couldn’t wait for the end of grad school and held a potluck in a friend’s back yard with ten of their closest peeps in attendance.

It includes the women I see on Say Yes to the Dress who don’t blink at the idea of spending fifteen grand on just the dress, and it includes the couples I see on Rich Bride, Poor Bride who present their planners with a budget of less than ten thousand dollars for the entire wedding. It includes the couples on Platinum Weddings who pay half a million dollars on a three-day blowout for six hundred of their best friends like it was pocket change, and it includes couples who borrow the money for a license from their folks and ask a friend to get ordained by the Universal Life Church so they won’t have to come up with a way to pay the officiant.

It includes the people who paid cash on the barrel for everything, and the people who went into debt it will take them years to pay off to have the day they want.

There are statistics and there are handy tools like Cost of wedding.com where you can learn what the average amount spent on a wedding is. Chances are you can find some sort of breakdown of what the ‘average’ couple spends specific items, too, like photography or cake. These things are interesting to know, and if you’re looking into a particular kind of item, service, or look, they can be helpful to you in figuring out what that might set you back.

But there’s one thing they cannot tell you: what you as a couple are able to comfortably spend on your individual wedding. You are not an average. And while your wedding will most likely involve a lot of the expected trappings in one form or another, your wedding is not average. It’s unique to you.

Here’s the bottom line on what weddings cost: your wedding will cost what you are willing to spend on it. That could be anything from the cost of the marriage license, followed by a quick lunch for the friends who married you and witnessed the event to a price tag that would make a Kardashian blush… if such a thing is possible.

My advice? Take a little time to price things you like out; consider carefully what you need, what you want, and what you don’t want; brainstorm a little about how to source things you can’t afford the ordinary way. Then ignore what everyone else is paying, and have the wedding that is the best intersection possible of your style and your available budget.

After all, do you really want to be average?

Funnily enough, I think what struck me most and made me happiest about their entire love story was that when the Big Moments happened, Niles was usually trying to make them Momentous… and then they just happened quietly, naturally, and in ways that could never have been matched – let alone outdone – by the huge, elaborate plans he originally made.

When Niles was ready to propose marriage, he took everything to huge, dramatic excess. He had little people in angel costumes, a chorus, a guy in a medieval costume with a great long poot horn with a banner hanging from it, a five page proposal involving ridiculous metaphors and iambic pentameter, and Wolfgang Puck cooking dinner.

When Daphne got there, she was sick as a dog and just wanted a quiet evening in front of the fire with the man she loved. Of course much comedic gold was mined from Niles and Frasier’s efforts to get all the extraneous people (not to mention Frasier’s addition of live doves!) out of the apartment behind Daphne’s back so that Niles could bring it all together again at a later date.

In the end, he just realizes how full his heart is in that moment, pulls the ring from his pocket, and asks her to marry him. It doesn’t even matter that his proposal is interrupted by a long, juicy session of nose-blowing. The moment is perfect because it’s two people in love making the decision to be together for the rest of their lives.

A lot of people start out viewing proposals and weddings the way Niles does. Bigger is necessarily better, more elaborate means more proof of love… but I’ve never agreed with that philosophy. I think it’s the little things that make the process special, whether you choose to do things elaborately or without frills.

I have no beef, certainly, with those who choose to go all out with the details. Details are fun. Sometimes over the top is just who you are as a couple, and that’s great.

Just never let the hooplah overwhelm the most important things. Don’t imagine that it’s impossible to express your love on a smaller scale. Remember to take time to notice the little things that make things truly special.

Big or small, expensive or bargain basement, steeped in tradition or wackily personal, do it your way. Have the wedding you want.

But don’t let the style overshadow the moment. Keep your eyes and hearts open to the quiet things that hold the most meaning.

But Mom, while this was the top of the pops in 1983, it isn’t anymore. And remember how you didn’t want to wear your mother’s wedding gown that looked like this?


And she didn’t want to wear her mother’s Depression era wedding dress, either.

That’s not to say you can’t or even shouldn’t wear your mother’s gown if you really want to. If it’s on offer and you like it and it fits, well and good! That’s fantastic. If it requires a bit of refitting and retooling and your mother is open to that, well, that’s fine, too.

But do keep this in mind: if you don’t want to wear it, you really don’t have to.

You see, there are some moms out there – wonderful, loving mothers with no agenda beyond Doing What’s Best for their daughters – who need convincing of this fact.

In point of fact, I know just such a family. The mother is a lovely lady, but she honestly thought all three of her daughters ought to wear her wedding gown.

The wedding gown from the late fifties was a really pretty one. It was tea length with a lace overlay and a rather spectacular low, wide neckline paired with a fabulously full skirt. Since the mom in question looked a tidge like a curvier Audrey Hepburn, you can imagine how good that looked, too!

The oldest daughter married at eighteen on a shoestring and a prayer. She was delighted to have a gown at the ready that looked okay on her and didn’t cost any money.

The second daughter took very much after her mother in the looks department. I was at her wedding, and she was absolutely gorgeous in her mother’s dress. In point of fact, I can’t imagine a gown that would have looked better on her. It was as if she and the gown were made for one another… much like the lady and her groom.

But the third daughter… she didn’t want to wear that gown. Oh, she could see it was a very pretty gown. And she was a very lovely woman. It’s just that the third daughter wasn’t shaped like her mother. She wasn’t colored like her mother. She and that gown were polar opposites, and she had no intention of wearing that dress, no matter how much of a family tradition it had become.

At her sister’s wedding reception, she actually danced up to me giddy with relief when her brand new brother-in-law managed to put his entire foot through the lace overlay of the gown. With the ruination of the dress, my friend knew she would be free to pick her own gown.

About two years later, I stood proudly in my very early nineties bridesmaid dress as my good friend took her vows with her new husband… in a dress that was entirely her own.

She looked gorgeous.

And I do hope she remembers her feelings on the subject when it comes time for her now teenage daughter to choose a wedding gown.

The simple fact is that on your wedding day, you’re likely to spend a lot of time on your tootsies. Standing around in your wedding finery trying not to let anything get wrinkled, walking up the aisle, the receiving line or table hopping to greet guests, dancing, and so on and so forth… chances are at some point your feet are going to get mighty tired.

And while I can hear plenty of brides to be chorusing ‘no problem, I’ll have flip flops!’ I happen to think there are a plethora of better ideas for foot happiness that would not make the Manolo weep into his favorite pair of peeptoes. Hey, it’s your wedding and I can’t stop you, but I can offer alternatives to consider.

Pick a heel height you’re used to and comfortable wearing for long periods of time. Note that this will not be the same height for everyone. Some women can wear five inch heels all day and not be troubled with pain or agony. Others (such as yours truly) get a nosebleed from an inch and a half. Really think about what heel makes you comfortable for long periods of both dancing and standing around. And while you’re at it, think about other style options that make your feet the most comfortable. Do you need extra arch or ankle support? Find shoes that will give you just that.

If you’re worried about a significant height difference between you and your intended, don’t be. Look, you know how big the difference between your heights is. So does he. So do all of your friends and both families. I barely come up to Mr. Twistie’s shoulder, and on our wedding day I wore flat shoes (dancing shoes, in point of fact, so they had really thin soles, to boot, as it were) and he wore a tall top hat. The photos look great, because we had a good photographer and because we were entirely ourselves. Let your photographer worry about getting good angles on you as a couple. That’s why you’re paying a professional.

Consider wearing a pair of shoes you already own. Yes, I know a wedding is a great excuse to go out and buy a new pair of expensive shoes, and if that’s your decision then I say have at it and enjoy. But don’t simply rule out the idea that the perfect pair of shoes is already in your closet. After all, the shoes don’t have to be a perfect color match to your gown, and the shoes you already have are already broken in for maximum comfort.
(Image via Love the Schultzes)

If you do buy new shoes, get them enough in advance that you can break them in properly. The last thing you want is to discover on your wedding day that your new shoes are giving you a nasty blister or rubbing your foot raw somewhere. So make sure to wear those new lovelies around the house until you have them as comfortable as… well… old shoes.

Make sure you have places to sit at your reception, not to mention opportunities to use them! Enough chairs will make a huge difference, so make sure they’re handy. And don’t over schedule the day. Give yourself some breathing room to simply enjoy your own party. That way if your feet start feeling tired or sore, you can do something about it. If necessary, deputize someone to make you sit down every couple hours during the day.

Take good care of your feet in the days leading up to the big one. Pamper them with a nice pedicure or massage… if you’re not too ticklish! Frankly, I can’t have either one done to me. But whatever you can do to make your feet happy, whether it’s having that massage or simply putting them up for a while, go ahead and do it.

Your feet are not fashion accessories. They are an important part of your body. Make them as happy as you can on your wedding day. After all, you want them happy for your honeymoon as well!

Let’s take a look at a couple of those things, shall we?

Where are you getting married? Since you can get married almost anyplace you like, so long as you can get a licensed officiant to come and perform the ceremony there, you could have any number of issues or concerns with how your clothes work in that space. If you’re getting married in a grand cathedral, you’ll want a gown that is fittingly grand. By the same token, if you’re getting married in your parents’ living room, too much gown could make it impossible to navigate the space. That’s the sort of wedding where a short gown or a suit makes more sense.

And if you’re getting married in the woods like I did? Trains are probably not a good idea. They get filled with twigs and dirt and leaves well before the day is over.

How big is your wedding? Are you having a huge party for five hundred friends, relatives, and various well-wishers, or half a dozen people closest to your hearts? The more people there, the more gown that’s appropriate.

How is your body shaped? I love a ballgown, but my body just generally doesn’t agree on that. No shoulders, ridiculously high waist… yeah, that whole hourglass thing just doesn’t fit my body. Note that this isn’t about what I weigh. At my lightest, I looked great in a terribly Regency style of gown… and at my heaviest, that’s what I looked good at, too, and at all points between. It’s a question of how your body is proportioned rather than its height or poundage. So be sure to really think about how your body is proportioned and think about what shapes make the most of it. Ballgown or mermaid, sheath or fit and flare, it’s all about what looks good on you.

All whites are not equally becoming. You may have your heart set on a stark white gown… but your complexion may have other ideas. The same goes for ivory, rum pink, ecru, and silver. So think carefully not only about the shape of your gown, but the shading as well. Don’t worry about what it will say to your guests about the state of your hymen, because in a world of fourth and fifth time brides wearing white, I doubt that anyone younger than your great-grandmother thinks much about the erstwhile symbolism of white in that way anymore. And if they do, that’s their problem, not yours. Worry about looking and feeling your best, not other peoples’ dirty minds.

Your comfort matters. Let me repeat that: your comfort matters. Don’t even think about picking a gown if it’s difficult to move in, itchy, or makes you feel like someone you don’t want to be. And while I’m not a huge advocate of covering up scars and tattoos on principle, I think it’s entirely up to you to decide how much of which you show off, and how much you decide to hide. If you’re self-conscious or embarrassed by your scar or mole, or whatever, let the folks at the salon know you want it covered up. If they don’t have anything that will cover what you want covered, find another place to get your gown.

There’s so much emotion involved in getting married, you don’t want the main drama to be about the fact that you’re not comfortable in what you’re wearing.

Your mother, grandmother, sister, cousin, or third bridesmaid from the left is not the one getting married. You are. Look, everyone has an opinion, and some of those opinions do matter to you. In fact, if you don’t care about anyone’s opinion, I’d be a little concerned about your mental state. But when push comes to shove, no matter how much you want to please the people you love, you are the one getting married. You are the one who will stand at that altar pledging your life to one person. In that moment, you’re the one who needs to love how you look.

If everyone can’t agree on a bridal look for you, pick the one you like best.

Just because most women wear it doesn’t mean you have to. Hate strapless? Don’t wear it. Veils make you itch? You’re just as married without one. Heels aren’t your thing? Wear flats on your wedding day. I did, and Mr. Twistie is eleven inches taller than me… plus he was wearing a top hat! Our pictures look great because our photographer knew how to frame them, and we both felt good because we were comfortable in our clothes. Haven’t worn a skirt since your mother made you wear one for your fifth grade class pictures? Pants don’t nullify your marriage or determine the power structure of your relationship. Hate wearing anything white? Go for a serious blast of color. One of the prettiest brides I ever saw wore bright rose pink.

Remember not to blow your entire outfit budget on the dress itself. After all, you will still need shoes, whatever sort of head ornamentation you prefer, and jewelry. You may already have your own shoes or your own jewelry, of course, but most brides are going to purchase these things in addition to the gown itself. Also, don’t forget that your gown will require alterations, and those alterations aren’t for free. Don’t tell the salon that you have six thousand dollars to spend on the gown unless you really can afford the alterations, veil or hat, shoes, jewelry, gloves, etc. on top of that.

You can always opt out. No, I’m not talking about breaking your engagement. What I’m talking about here is that if what you’re dreaming of wearing on your wedding day isn’t readily available at a bridal salon, you don’t have to shop there. You can shop at a department store, fabulous little fashion boutique, eBay, or a funky consignment shop. You can get a custom outfit made just for you by a dressmaker. There are literally dozens of options. If you don’t see what you want, go out and find it.

So take some time to really think before you go shopping. If you walk into the salon knowing what you do and don’t want, it makes it easier not only for you, but for the staff of the shop as well. Less time will be wasted on dresses that don’t meet your needs or your tastes.