Manolo for the Brides

The superbly lovely Kate wrote to ask:

I’m a regular reader of your blog and was wondering if you could help me out. I’m getting married at the end of September and want to wear a cream-colored “flower” in my hair, to match my dress. Problem is, what I find is either something from the WIC that’s eighty bucks, or a shoddy-looking fake “silk” blossom that is 1.99 at the craft store. Can you help me find a pretty off-white fake flower for my hair, for less than forty dollars? My hairdresser says it doesn’t have to have a barrette - if it has a stem, she can weave it in.

I feel Kate’s pain, even though I when I was getting married it wasn’t flowers but rather hair gems I sought. Everything truly elegant was way out of my price range, and everything in my price range looked like it had come from a girls bracelet making kit from the Toys ‘R’ Us. Eventually, I let my hair stand on its own, which was more than fine because my stylist was truly a wizard.

Now, anyone looking for faux blooms should learn a little background and a little lingo before hitting the shops. Today’s silk flowers typically aren’t actually made of silk…except when they are, in which case they may cost you a pretty penny. The reason so many fakies look so awful is that they’re made of cheap polyester. Even worse, they are sometimes embellished with things like rhinestones and plastic water droplets.

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Months and months ago, I wrote about a Guardian article that referenced a Newsweek article that referenced a bridal body image survey for You & Your Wedding magazine. The problem with the story, the way I saw it, was that the various articles and surveys focused on brides who were purging or using laxatives to lose weight, getting pre-nuptial breast augmentation surgeries, and having their teeth straightened. Botox-laden brides and bridesmaids were not stepping forward to tell their stories.

Thank goodness for the New York Times, right? The Gray Lady has ensured that brides-to-be who want to be on the forefront of all emerging trends will feel comfortable asking their moms and attendants to get a chemical peel, some dermal filler injections, or a touch of Botox.

“Most women, when they come in here, they want it,” said Camille Meyer, the owner of TriBeCa MedSpa. “They know they’re aging*.”

For Karen Hohenstein, who held her [Botox] party at the Tiffani Kim Institute Medical Wellness Spa in Chicago, convincing her friends was as smooth as a Botoxed forehead. “It wasn’t me saying, ‘Hey, we all could use a little something,’” she said. “It was, ‘I want to do this,’ and a couple of people said, ‘I do, too.’”

A certain Stacey Berlin even said these words to her future mother-in-law: “I’m serious. [Botox is] exactly what you need to freshen up.” Way to foster good relations with your future family!

Not that I have anything against cosmetic procedures, mind you, but if I was a bridesmaid and the bride-to-be suggested I get microdermabrasion sanding session or plumped up with Restylane, I’d sock her one just before bowing out of the wedding party. I’ll decide when I’m looking old and haggard, thank you very much, and I’ll decide what I’m going to do about it, if anything. Manicures and margaritas? YES, PLEASE. Botox and Bahama Mamas? Screw that.

*omg omg omg not aaaaaging! kill me now before i can get any older!

Following on the heels of those ubiquitous bridal checklists, you’ll find the slightly less common bridal beauty timelines. Sometimes they’re squished into one perfect package so you’re reminded to have yet another facial right around the time you ought to be breaking in your bridal shoes…TIP: wear tube socks over your heels to keep them whitey white white white.

In other instances the beauty timelines stand alone, like one I found at Chopstick Bride, which advises brides-to-be to start treating acne one year before the wedding, schedule four to six acid peels six months before the wedding, and begin drinking a gallon of water per day at a month before the wedding. Sadly, they offer no advice at all with regard to explaining those frequent bathroom breaks to coworkers and friends.

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After checking out my shortlist of ways to put some pep into wedding pics, reader Ky suggested I check out Taaz. Can I just say I love synchronicity? It just so happens that I was planning on posting about Taaz, which describes itself as a “fun, easy-to-use website that gives women the opportunity to ‘try on’ the hottest makeup and hairstyle looks from the convenience of their homes.”

I’m interested in anything I can try on without having to battle my way through throngs of fellow shoppers, so I gave it a go. My original wedding day look is on the left, and my plasticized look is on the right.

But while I love makeovers as much as the next femmey-femme, I had no intentions of discussing how one might use Taaz to try on different makeup colors and hairstyles. Nor was I planning to wax poetic about the site’s product recommendations — circumstances dictate I be a Bare Minerals girl as much as I might want to worship at the altar of Chanel.

No, I want to talk to all frazzled and fried brides-to-be about Taaz’s potential as a stress reliever. Seriously…I just spent a hilarious forty-five minutes uploading snapshots of friends, family, and pets so I could make them look like geishas, freaks, and cross dressers. No one was spared the cruelties of my dastardly broad makeup brush.

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Wedding-day beauty isn’t as complicated as its made out to be, and yet I’ve found lists of tips and tricks that are hundreds of items long! I had it easy — a family friend just happens to be an award-winning stylist. He attended my wedding and was there with a lip gloss wand every time I turned around. Not everyone has it so good, but that doesn’t mean bridal makeup has to be complicated and overwhelming.

Start with a clean canvas
You’ll see a lot of bridal checklists that advise setting up a regular months-long regimen of facials and detox sessions, but there’s no reason to go absolutely nucking futz if you have pretty good skin. If you’re skin ain’t all that, I’d suggest going to a proper dermatologist rather than your local aesthetician. Don’t have anything radical done in the month and a half before your nuptials, as skin needs time to heal after harsh treatments like chemical peels. Drink lots and lots of water, exfoliate gently, moisturize, and wear sunscreen…before and after your wedding. In fact, never stop!

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I love how companies can take any product and market it as relevant to brides. I’m about halfway through One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding, and it seems there’s no shortage of people out there seeking to capitalize on emerging nuptial bliss. The newest PR excitement to arrive in my inbox is pushing Sally Hansen’s “Just Engaged” nail polish collection.

When I think bridal nails, I immediately visualize a nice French manicure. YMMV. According to the press release I received, “Brides magazine and Sally Hansen teamed up to create a collection of must-have shades for every bride-to-be. Guided by Brides magazine, the industry’s authority on wedding day beauty and nail color Sally Hansen has custom designed Diamond Strength Nail Color shades to suit every blushing bride.”

The shades have names like “I Do,” “First Dance,” and “Wedding Bliss,” which irks me more than a little bit. I buy Sally Hansen products now and again because they’re cost effective. In fact, they have this great French manicure set where the white polish is in a marker with a flat tip. To me, the colors in the “Just Engaged” collection look just like the colors that have been available in drug stores for ages and ages.

It doesn’t bother me at all when products specific to brides and weddings (e.g. veils, bridal bouquets, or garters) are marketed toward engaged women. It’s when companies start trying to create an artificial divide between “product for brides” and “product for everyone else” that I’m underwhelmed. There are bridal lotions, diets for brides, and political sites for brides.

Have you seen any weird products marketed specifically toward brides lately?

The day before my own wedding marked the first time I ever enjoyed a full manicure and pedicure. Unfortunately, it also marked the first time a stranger with butterfingers slipped and shaved a great big swath of skin off of my foot with an unsterilized tool. I was lucky enough to be wearing wedding day shoes that wouldn’t rub on the newly shorn wound (thanks French Sole!), but I can imagine that there are other brides who don’t get off so easily. Also, I was fortunate enough not to end up with some weird infection!

What a boooooring topic, right? Well, thousands of brides-to-be make manis and pedis a part of their pre-nuptial beauty rituals, and thousands of folks end up at their local MDs every year because of nail salon related infections. Two people even died in 2006! Now I feel extra lucky, because I really didn’t even think about anything relating to safety when I was sitting down in the spa chair and letting someone take what looked like a ginger grater to my toesies.

Erlanger recommends mani/pedi fans take the following rules to heart:

1. Ask nail salons about their disinfection practices. Only patronize salons that sterilize their instruments.

2. For instruments that cannot be sterilized, such as nail files and pumice stones, make sure the nail technician uses disposable versions.

3. Patronize salons that use “pipe-less” whirlpools with external impellors that can be easily accessed for thorough cleaning, very similar to physical therapy whirlpool tubs. Hidden tubing cannot be properly drained.

4. Clean, plastic soaking tubs or pans are generally safe and good alternatives to poorly designed whirlpools.

For added safety, you can always bring your own nailcare tools and polish with you to the salon. Don’t walk around with bare feet–bring your own flip flops if the salon doesn’t provide the disposable sort. Make sure your manicurist washes her hands, uses sterilized tools, and thoroughly cleans out foot spas after they’re used. If you voice your concerns and the salon staff balk, they’re not worth your time or money.

Like I said, I was lucky. The spot where an inept pedicurist scraped off my skin didn’t get infected. Heck, it didn’t even bother me on my wedding day, though it did smart for an entire week afterward. Now you tell me: What’s your worst mani/pedi story?