Manolo for the Brides

…two gowns, two bouquets, two pretty hairstyles, and two pairs of awesome shoes. It makes me feel just a tad envious of all of the girly lesbian brides out there who are marrying other girly lesbian brides and can ooh and ahh over nuptial frippery with a spouse-to-be who actually gives a damn.

Just look at this stunningly gorgeous photo taken by my friend Oolong (who coincidentally made our kitty cake toppers) at a wedding at Saint Anthony’s Chapel in Holyrood Park. The two brides, Lizzie and Ari, look absolutely smashing, and I can just imagine them having a grand old time picking out dresses and invitations and ribbons for their stem wraps.

Of course, that’s just my brain telling me that the grass simply must be greener on the other side of the nuptial fence, by which I mean the side where there are no FOBs telling future husbands that they should just shut up and get out of the way. I’m sure that the everyday reality is likely far more mundane, with one half of the couple caring more about color schemes than the other on any given day. Then again a study of married gay folks from Vermont revealed that they were generally more satisfied in their relationships than straight folks. Go figure!

I was going to dig into my archives today today to finally feature some of those previously answered reader questions that are waiting for their 15 minutes, but I received a query yesterday afternoon that was too intriguing to put off. The question was simply this:

Have you heard of cellophane parties? Apparently, this is a “new tradition” in bridal showers where guests are asked to wrap their shower gifts in cellophane. Gifts are then displayed on a table for other guests to see, but the bride never unwraps them all, presumably “saving” everyone from a tedious, lengthy gift-unwrapping session. Are these as tacky as they sound?

Color me out of the loop, for I have never, ever heard of a cellophane party. The term itself conjures up images of wild fêtes of yesteryear best forgotten, but brings to mind nothing even remotely resembling an event that typically includes grandmas and great aunts. For the person who posed the query, I did a Google image query with SafeSearch off and still found naught but cellophane and boobies of the usual mammarical variety.

As for cellophane showers, I could not, in all my searches, find a single mention of this supposed new tradition. Personally, I’m not a huge fan of watching people open gifts because it seems so third grade, but that’s pretty much what a shower is all about. Like you said, without the unwrapping, the oohs and ahhs, and the making of the silly hat, it starts to seem like a gift grab. “Here’s a bacon-wrapped scallop and a glass of champagne, now hand over the loot!”

(more…)

As a guest, I tend to tune out wedding speeches unless I’m familiar with both the object of the speech (i.e., the bride or groom) and the speech giver. Listening to 45 minutes of daddy waxing on misty-eyed about his little girl’s swimming trophies for 45 minutes a la Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason tends to put me into a fugue state wherein I eat far too much cake and the champagne in my glass keeps disappearing mysteriously.

The bride and groom, however, are typically quite interested in what everyone has to say because they are the ones being talked about! I know that I was particularly looking forward to the best man’s speech at my own wedding because he’s such a tremendously sweet fellow and I was hoping he’d say something nice about me or us. Let it be known that he did not disappoint, and the air was full of Awwws and little sniffs the whole time he had the mic.

Of course, he wasn’t the only one to take a stab at wowing the crowd, but he was indeed a tough act to follow. The Beard’s mother told a story about car thievery, and an uncle of mine saw fit to remind everyone that he’d changed my diapers when I was but a wee lass. I even vaguely remember one of my brothers getting on the mic to tell assembled loved ones that he’d met The Beard in Nam and that we’re both “slick ballers.”

(more…)

…it was her dress.

The Telegraph tells of a bride who inadvertently mooned her guests on her big day when her designer gown came apart at the seams.

The woman is claiming damages of £20,000 from the designer, who was not named but is based at Rapallo, twenty miles from Chiavari.

Everyone has a bad day — even clothing designers — but that’s no excuse when the gown in question cost £2,000. In a day and age where one can buy a $125 wedding day frock, you shouldn’t have to do a pre-wedding safety tug on the stitching holding together a four-thousand dollar dress!

What kind of recourse do you have if you suffer a similar fate? Demanding your money back is a must. If you’re looking for retribution, a lawsuit is pretty much the only option available to you unless you have five burly brothers who are scheduled to be re-admitted to prison so what’s one more offense? You could also ask the designer for some freebies…but you may not want to wear said clothing for fear it will once again leave you exposed.

Those are, of course, your long term options. In the short term, I’d recommend stopping the ceremony — which it appears the bride in question chose not to do — to fix things up as best you can. Sewing kits are an integral part of almost every wedding day emergency kit, which means you can ask someone handy with a needle and thread to sew you in. If necessary, make a joke about “wardrobe malfunctions” to let everyone know you’re not dying inside. Before the ceremony, make a mad dash to your house or the nearest department store to find a suitable something.

It’s not an optimal solution set, but it will keep you from baring your bottom to the world!

Way back in 1989, the NY Times ran an article about no-frills brides who wore suits instead of the usual gowns. Suits, the author asserts, are for women who want to avoid looking demure or overly fem. Then she goes on to call bridal suits sexy — which reads a bit like a contradiction, but really isn’t. There’s no reason a suit has to be frumpy, after all.

”Wearing a bridal suit portrays a woman as being sure of herself, of having a sense of power,” said Louise Maniscalco, a personal shopper at Barneys New York. ”In a suit, she is dressed the way she wants and not the way tradition demands. It’s having your own identity.”

Many — if not most — brides-to-be reject bridal suits out of hand because wedding gowns are such a huge part of the Western cultural consciousness, but in the years surrounding WWII, suits were de rigueur!

The two happy people in the middle are newlyweds…they’re also my maternal grandparents. They were married in Germany sometime in the 50s, and I’m pretty sure the my gram still has that suit hidden away somewhere in her vast closets. I know for a fact that the suit she wore saw plenty of post-nuptial wear because the children of war didn’t waste a thing.

In these shaky economic times — which are shakier for some of us than for others — I’d urge brides-to-be to consider the classic bridal suit. Suits (even very well tailored varieties) can be a great budget option. They bring with it the advantage of being entirely re-wearable because even if you marry in white, natural fibers can be dyed. Paired with gloves, they are as classy as can be!

I’d venture to say that bridal suits are also a wonderful nod to the grandmothers and great-grandmothers who made the most of what they had and who, without gowns, veils, or $30,000 wedding budgets, managed to look chic and gorgeous.

Once upon a time, men (and women!!) in a country on the eve of its birth laid down their lives to cast off the yoke of tyranny. In the present day, those of us who live in the grand ol’ U.S. of A. celebrate their sacrifice by setting off Chinese fireworks, drinking too much, and laughing our butts off at people dressed in red, white, and blue.

Not that there’s anything wrong with dressing in red, white, and blue. In fact, a smart nautically-inspired suit that makes one think that one might like to travel back in time to the 30s can look chic and sharp! Generally, however, I think I’d prefer to wear my reds, whites, and blues separately or in groupings of two to avoid any erroneous implications. I say think because my everyday uniform is black on black with a little touch of black.

For those who can pull off color or the lack of it without looking like some crazed she-beast, here are three luscious frocks — two from Nicole Miller and one from Vera Wang — that could conceivable be used to send a message like “I love America” or “Why settle for something from David’s Bridal” or “Hey, I’m not afraid to grab two friends and make a spectacle of myself on a patriotic parade float.”

Looking at this gown lineup, I can even imagine some bride-to-be who loves her country very much dressing her bridesmaids in red and blue…hey, I said I could picture it in my head, not that I would actually suggest someone actually do that.

Happy Fourth!

These just kind of speak for themselves, really. Though it’s a bit hard to tell, the bride and her FG are wearing white canvas sneaker-mules embellished with “delicate satin roses, pearl beads, crystal rhinestones, and elegant sheer ribbon” from Savvy Sneaks.

Now, I have nothing against brides wanting to avoid podiatric pain when they say their vows! But someone — perhaps The Manolo himself — needs to tell ladies like the one in this photo that there are perfectly comfortable, event-appropriate shoes out there that do not look like the trainers your Aunt Ida bedazzled for you when you were in fifth grade.

It’s HATE all the way here. What do you think?

Fish as gift? Yes, when it’s culturally relevent. No, when it involves dumping a slimy, stinky flounder wrapped in newspaper on my previously clean kitchen table. Personally, I’d be delighted to receive Yuinou if I was the mother of a newly engaged lady.

You’re looking at Yuinou, gifts that traditionally mark an agreed upon engagement in Japan. I first saw them at Wedded Bliss, The Marriage of Art and Ceremony, a traveling exhibit currently at the Peabody Essex Museum.

Yuinou is exchanged for the various purposes. First of all, people can confirm that the engagement is concluded. At the same time, they pray for the conclusion of marriage by doing the ceremony. The engagement will be official through Yuinou. Secondly, a bridegroom side does it to express their gratitude to a bride side, because a bride is considered to be a member of bridegroom side after a marriage. The gratitude is against marrying a girl whom their parents have brought up with tender care.

The contents of Yuinou are important in their ceremonial significance — cuttlefish signifies happiness, seaweed signifies fertility, a fan signifies good fortune, and animal art signifying all sorts of nice things — but the appeal in my eyes is the beautiful packaging.

The examples I saw at the PEM were gorgeous, made as they were of vividly hued bamboo, balsa wood, foil, glass, and braided paper cord. The packaging is so artistically rendered that some newlyweds display the Yuinou in their homes after the wedding.

However, the once widespread and varied Yuino ceremony is being toned down by couples who would rather their parents spent the money they might spend on Yuinou on monetary gifts or contributions to the price of the wedding. That makes a lot of sense to me, but I do hope that the practice sticks around. It seems like such a nice way to bring families together and commemorate the blending of two families.

---

CONGRATS, JSTAR! Jstar, who suggested that I call my next book iDon’t: the 12,000,000 most common wedding planning mistakes has won a free autographed copy of iDo. Keep your eyes open for future minicontents because I plan to give away at least one copy of the book each month for a year!

There are wedding favors, reception centerpieces, bridal jewelry sets, and wedding shoes for sale on Amazon, so I thought I’d poke around in their gown selection. Searching for ‘wedding gown’ net me plenty of results, but it appears that Amazon’s commitment to carrying everything under the sun does not yet extend to nuptial garb.

I know there are some perfectly serviceable gowns on Amazon, but looking at those is no fun. Plus, there are way more wacky wedding dresses for sale than there are the sort that most right-minded women would consider buying. Here’s a sample set for your amusement:

Home shredders are so convenient, right? Just be sure it’s nowhere nearby when you’re trying on your wedding gown, lest you end up with something that looks like this. But, hey, it’s no worse than this, right?

(more…)