Manolo for the Brides

No, not that kind of back, though plenty of brides (including me) are blessed in that department. I’m talking about subtle details that draw attention to the flipside of wedding dresses, like these appearing on gowns in the J. Crew Weddings Fall 2009 catalog.

Yes, the pseudosash goes all the way down on this wedding dress. My one issue with this otherwise chic dress as a whole is that I think many of us would have to order it five sizes too large in order to fit our bosoms in the bodice! Thanks a lot, J. Crew.

I like the polished and elegant back of this wedding dress more than I like the front, which is sort of messy looking.

This dress is quite pretty overall, and for once, my mind is not interpreting a peekaboo lace strip as “bra strap.” This is a good thing. However, being that this is only one image, I’d have to see the dress in person before I’d give it a second thumbs up.

All in all, the fronts of these wedding dresses can’t hold a handle to the backs, mostly because the fronts are rather plain. Then again, guests spend a great deal of time looking at the back of the bride during the wedding ceremony unless the couple has chosen a circular seating arrangement so maybe J. Crew is on to something.

On the morning of my wedding, my stylist looked me straight in the eye and said “Honey, a glass of champagne and a bite of a muffin do not breakfast make.” Guests have it so easy, sitting there in pews or folding chairs while the bride, groom, and their attendants stand stock still in dress shoes for the duration of the wedding ceremony.

Unless, that is, they fall over, like this groomsman, who probably did not have any breakfast. The temptation to skip the pre-wedding meal is always there… think of the bride or bridesmaid who wants to avoid a foodbaby or the groom or groomsman who is in too much of a rush to grab a bite. Unfortunately, some of us do not handle low blood sugar as well as others, and a fainting bridal party, while occasionally humorous, does not make for picturesque ceremony photos.

Brides and grooms, do yourselves a favor and bring a little snack with you to wherever it is you’re getting dressed and prepped for the wedding ceremony. Remind your bridesmaids and groomsmen that it’ll be a while before the reception meal is served, especially if you’re taking wedding photographs after the ceremony. Better yet, equip the bridal (and, uh, groomal?) chamber with a fruit plate or a platter of bagels for everyone, including your stylist, to nosh on while ties are tied and makeup is applied.

Full disclosure: I used to smoke. In fact, at the height of smoking career, I could down a pack and a half in a day. Now I don’t smoke, and I have my reasons. The way I figure it, we all know smoking is bad for us, but we’re all grownups, so as long as you’re not smoking in my house or near my baby, your habit is your business.

That said, I’m going to assume that brides and grooms who smoke are going to want to have a few cigarettes before their wedding ceremonies and at their wedding receptions. It is, after all, a day where indulging oneself is part of the fun, so smokers will be smoking, whether the laws of the land permit indoor puffing or require it be done out of doors.

So what’s the problem? Well, I recently came across some wedding photographs that included a bride who is a fairly regular smoker. Either she or her wedding photographer was a fan of the traditional pre- and post-wedding poses, e.g. the bride getting ready in the mirror, the bouquet on the makeup table, and so on. One photo that caught my eye (and not in a good way) was a close-up of the bride’s hands, showcasing her engagement ring and wedding band… and her nicotine stained French manicure. Her pinky, index finger, and middle finger nails were a bright, traditional pink and white, while the polish on her pointer and thumb were a not-very-subtle yellow.

In 1945, Emily Post stated that “above all [the bride] must not, while wearing her veil, smoke a cigarette.” Bridal headpieces aside, I’d add that the bride who wants her wedding photographer to photograph her hands looking their wedding day best must not smoke after the application of a French manicure. They’ll be plenty of time to light up at the reception.

Photograph by Christopher Prinos

Ever since I became the victim of ID theft straight out of college when I made the mistake of losing my Social Security card, I’ve been fairly paranoid about giving out my personal information. That said, I continue to believe that a little common sense goes a long way toward preventing situations in which unsavory individuals will do things like, oh, sign up for about sixteen mobile phone accounts using your identity. Maybe that’s why I don’t give much though to ID theft as it pertains to weddings?

But hey, when I assume I make an ass yada yada. There are still people out there who use their Social Security numbers as their license numbers! People who fall for online phishing scams! People who, er, make the mistake of keeping their tax ID cards in their wallets. I’m sure you’re none of those people and that you won’t end up scrubbing floors to pay for 150 plates of veal because your credit card has suddenly stopped working, but perhaps some much less wise bride will come across this post via Google, thus ensuring that she is well protected when dealing with her wedding vendors.

So without further ado, here are three easy things you can do to prevent yourself from becoming a victim of identity theft when planning your wedding:

• Keep your marriage license and other personal documents related to your wedding locked in a safe and secure place. Note that your social security number may appear on your marriage license. Even if it won’t, you will still need to know it to obtain that license under Title 42 USC Chapter 7, Subchapter IV, Part D, Sec. 666(a)(13) — try memorize it instead of carting your card around town.
• Do not give out your social security number when planning a wedding, unless you’re securing a government document, e.g., your marriage license or a new passport, license, and social security card. Give only the minimum amount of personal information to wedding vendors — think name, address, and telephone number. If any wedding vendor asks for your soc, run like hell.
• Definitively make the decision to either keep your maiden (man?) name or assume your spouse’s name –- using both leaves room for error, as it would be difficult to keep track of where you’re using one versus the other. Plus, it’s just kind of a pain in the ass.

And there you have it, ladies and gents. Be smart with documents and personal info, and decide early on whether you’ll keep or change your surname, and bad wedding vendors out to screw naïve brides and grooms won’t be able to getcha. Like I said, common sense!

Brides looking for wedding gowns that can be described as eco-friendly have more than a few options. My favorites by far are buy a secondhand wedding dress, re-purpose a secondhand dress, or have a wedding gown made for you by a local seamstress who’s using sustainable materials. But you know what? Eco conscious though you may be, you and your perfect secondhand dress may never cross paths. For whatever reasons, re-purposing a gown or even having one made might be impossible.

In that case, there’s always shops like Green Union. In addition to a range of green and/or ethical wedding favors, accessories, and stationery, they carry a handful of very pretty wedding gowns.

Tammam White is a bridal collection handcrafted in House of Tammam’s fair trade atelier in India. The wedding dresses are made with exclusively developed fabrics including organic-certified wild peace silk, sustainable bamboo satin, and 100% organic fair trade cotton satin jacquard and linings. The two wedding dresses above are a long satin wedding coat dress with vintage button detailing and a simply chic gown with a luxe gold sash. Both could use a some alterations, but with them would look stunning on the right brides.

I have to ask: Have you seen The Plunge? Yet another wedding planning site for grooms has emerged, and this one is pretty flashy compared to its peers. Unlike most wedding sites geared toward dudes, this one has actual written content that goes beyond a hundred incarnations of “Stand back, and shut up.” Then again, a lot of that content reads like this:

There’s a new piece of furniture in your bedroom: a stack of magazines, books, and articles that could double as a side-table. It’s your fiancée’s “wedding porn.” And unlike actual porn, this isn’t harmless. It’s putting ideas in her head. Poisonous ideas. Thoughts about how you, as a groom, should be “behaving.” This is where it gets dangerous.

A few things irk me about this snippet from one of The Plunge’s intro pages. First, I don’t buy into the idea that the WIC can turn regular chicks into screaming harpies. A true bridezilla was probably already kind of a bitch, and no magazine or book is going to turn a regular chick into a bitch. Second, it stands to reason that there are behavioral (and dress and etiquette) guidelines for weddings, the same way there are behavior guidelines for any party. It’s a formal function, jeez. If it’s mantime to complain about wedding planning, can we at least get some fresh and original complaints?

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Have you considered doing your wedding makeup? I didn’t, but my cosmetics skills begin and end with a little mascara and a touch of lipstick. Not that a bride-to-be can’t learn the tricks of the makeup trade, of course, but finding a good makeup mentor isn’t always easy. Lucky for those who want to DIY their wedding cosmetics, Emily of the blog Beauty Broadcast has a YouTube channel featuring primers, how-tos, and product reviews for brides (and anyone else interested in learning a bit more about the artful painting of faces).

I will say that Emily slathers on the cosmetics a bit more thickly and darkly than I would — particularly for a bride — but the video is a good introduction to bridal makeup application. And admittedly, watching her transform herself is pretty fascinating. But if your bridal beauty style runs roughly parallel to Emily’s, here’s a rundown of the products mentioned in the video:

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It’s that time again, by which I mean the earth has circled the sun just enough times to make people think once again that asking strangers to pay for their weddings is an original and inspired idea. As I said back in 2006, “The idea is not new, of course. Michael Palmer and Kristi Laurita created the now defunct www.weddingbills.com. Someone named Cynthia created www.payforcynthiaswedding.com in an effort to raise $25,000. And CyberBeg and DonateMoney2Me remain as active as ever.”

Some of these sites offer advertising space in exchange for contributions to a wedding fund, while others — like the new Help Me Pay For My Wedding — merely make a grab for the cash necessary to pay for a larger or more luxurious wedding.

The nameless Broke Bride-to-Be has this to say on her relatively new blog:

I have almost no money saved for my wedding. Why do I have nothing saved? Well, because the proposal was a surprise for one thing. For another, I’ve spent the past year paying off all my debt - an accomplishment I’m quite proud of, thankyouverymuch. I admit it. I spent like a maniac on things I shouldn’t have. Which is why my hair is now my natural color and I’m in last season’s jeans. The itch to spend is coming back in a big way with these wedding plans, and that is why I’m planning ahead of time to stay OUT of debt. Hence, helpmepayformywedding. If you want.

Do I know that asking for money is a bit “tacky” as so many of have called it…. yes. But, desperate times call for desperate measures. And it’s not as if I’ll announce to my guests that I solicited donations to pay for their bacon wrapped scallops. Give me some credit, people.

I want to give Broke Bride-to-Be credit about as much as I want to give her a donation. My take is and always will be that asking for donations from strangers to pay for a wedding is tres skeevy. I don’t go up to strangers to ask for money to upgrade from drip coffee to lattes or to buy those cute shoes that are just out of my price range, so it stands to reason I wouldn’t call upon strangers to foot the bill for the wedding I want but simply cannot afford. But maybe I’m alone in thinking this way… maybe soliciting donations to pay for a wedding is the new normal in these tough economic times. You tell me:

(Note: Wordpress decided to randomly delete a bunch of previously approved comments on multiple posts. If like Zette and others, you don’t see your recent comments, we’d appreciate it if you repost them so we can keep the conversation going. Sorry about that!)

A now-deleted post (that you can still see in Google’s archives) by blogger Kathryn Jean Lopez of the National Review has been weighing heavily on my mind. Entitled “You’ve Never Met a Bridezilla Like a Feminist Bridezilla,” the post is little more than an excerpt from a post by blogger Jessica Valenti of Feministing. Valenti, you see, is getting married. She also identifies as a feminist. While Lopez’s post doesn’t include any outright insults directed toward Valenti, the title implies that there is something unusual and perhaps even a little icky about the thoughtful way Valenti is approaching matrimony.

What, I have to wonder, is wrong with carefully considering whether or not to take the name of one’s partner… with thinking about the plight of those who cannot at this time get legally married… or with delving into the origins of established wedding traditions? My take is that the answer is nothing. Nothing is wrong with planning an examined wedding, and anyone who is threatened by another woman’s choice to plan just such a wedding probably has a pretty big chip on her shoulder.

What it comes down to, in my mind, is this: Not taking a partner’s last name isn’t automatically a feminist decision any more than taking a partner’s last name indicates that you’re a slave to the patriarchy. The same goes for wearing a white wedding gown, tossing the bouquet, including gendered words in your wedding vows, and being walked down the aisle by daddy. The reasons people do or don’t do these things go waaaay beyond “I’m rebelling against socially-sanctioned gender inequality” or “I’m a woman, so this is what I have to do.”

The feminist wedding is basically the examined wedding, which is what most brides and grooms really ought to be planning whether they identify as feminists or not. Sometimes the choices they make will adhere to the tenets of feminism (making it an uppercase Feminist Wedding), and sometimes they won’t, but to imply that Jessica Valenti is a ‘feminist bridezilla’ because she’s exploring all her options is patently absurd.