I’d like a word with you over here, if I may, just for a moment in between your busy schedule of exposing the ‘reality’ of weddings to us all.

Stop it. Just stop it.

What? You don’t know what I’m talking about?

I’m talking about the way brides (and the men you identify as the ‘woman’ in gay male couples) are portrayed in your shows.

It would be one thing if there were truly any variety in how you portray us. Then it would be about individuals. But as things stand, you have two ways of illustrating what it is to be a bride in modern America, and neither portrait is either flattering or accurate to the vast majority of women getting married.

On the one hand, you show us the adorably befuddled girl (it matters not if she is seventeen or seventy-three; she is still a girl in this version) who just can’t wrap her tiny brain around all the very, very, very difficult concepts involved in planning a wedding. She can’t tell a canape from a camellia and desperately needs a big, strong wedding planner(/salon owner/cake decorator/florist/etc.) to make everything happen magically despite her utter inability to contribute thoughtfully to the process. She is patted on the head and allowed to cutely dribble in a corner while the experts figure out the painfully difficult logistics of getting her married in a way that won’t embarrass her every time she opens her wedding album (assuming she can figure out how to do that) for the rest of her life. Thanks to the experts, she gets her magical princess moment that she could never have made happen by herself, the silly little thing.

On the other hand is the vicious, sociopathic, potentially homicidal whack job (who, again, can be any age from Diapers to Depends and is gunning for a guest spot as the unsub in the reality version of Criminal Minds) who doesn’t know a canape from a camellia, but will cut you if you point that out. She is unleashed upon an unsuspecting populace and allowed to make a mockery of her marriage before it begins. But once she ties the knot, she becomes magically docile (or at least it turns out she really, really, really [maybe] is in love with the hapless mope she’s been abusing on camera for the past two episodes of the show), so it’s all worth it in the end because she gets her magical princess moment.

You see my problem here? You can’t? Let me spell this out as simply as I can: you’re telling us that all women are utterly incapable of planning a party and staying rational at the same time. That’s the bottom line of all your programming. We have the choice of being thought of as helpless or god-help-us with nothing in between.

Can you imagine for one moment if there was a reality show about planning black tie charity events where every single client who walked through the door of the planner’s business was assumed to be a blithering idiot with no clue how anything at all is done? And some of the women I’ve seen on bridal reality shows being presented as drooling, brainless incompetents say they have jobs where putting on big parties and organizing conferences is simply one of their duties.

Trust me, anyone who can throw a major charity event or put together a large conference has more than the skills required to organize a wedding reception, whether they rely on hired guns or become DIY divas.

And then you get the third layer where some of the worst antics in the history of the show Bridezillas have been committed by women who claim to be wedding industry professionals! Almost every season there seems to be at least one ‘zilla who is a wedding planner who still can’t seem to figure out why anybody should expect her to feed her guests or invite her MOH’s husband. In this case, even if you are a professional, you are still utterly incompetent to handle your own wedding plans! Why? Because you are a bride, and brides can’t do this stuff on their own.

So wedding reality show creators, STOP IT!

The vast majority of women getting married today are reasonable people of at least reasonable intelligence. Many of us have already planned major social events of one kind or another and have some clue about keeping guests at said events entertained and fed. Some of us have already been involved in the planning of one or more weddings, and understand what’s involved. Even if we haven’t done that, most of us are intelligent enough to comprehend the basic concepts once they are presented to us.

Whether we hire professionals to carry out our plans or choose to keep control in our hot little hands or – the most common approach – do a little of each, we are adults. We have our own tastes, preferences, dreams, and nightmares. We are not interchangeable dolls for the wedding profession to dress up however they see fit at the moment. We are not rabid dogs. We are not cautionary tales.

People.

We are people.

And we’d like to be treated as such, thank you very much.

It’s not uncommon for bridesmaids or a maid-of-honor to accept a wedding party post without knowing what they’re getting into. That’s why there are books like Everything Bridesmaid: From Planning the Shower to Supporting the Bride, All You Need to Survive and Enjoy the Wedding and The Bridesmaid Handbook and The Bridesmaid Guide: Etiquette, Parties and Being Fabulous and even The Quintessential Wedding Guide … Maid of Honor.

In other words, while first-time maids and MOHs may not know quite what’s expected of them, there are plenty of how-tos out there ready to help. Get your dress on time, they say. Throw a bridal shower. Bustle the gown. Herd the groomsmen. Hold the bride’s bouquet. Give a speech. And so on.

But perhaps the most important to-do on the bridesmaid’s checklist should be “Consider your budget.” Brides (and grooms) put together a wedding budget, so why shouldn’t attendants put together bridesmaid budgets (and groomsman budgets)? Being part of a wedding can be expensive, depending on the wedding. It needn’t be complicated — simply ask yourself how much you expect to spend based on certain criteria.

Does the bride have upper-crust taste in clothing that could translate in your bring asked to spring for an expensive dress you’ll never wear again? In the case of a destination wedding, will you have to pay hundreds or even thousands of dollars for airfare and accommodations in addition to your wedding day finery. Will you have to pay to have your hair styles and makeup professionally done? Are there pre-wedding events planned that will require some outlay of cash? Then it’s time to ask yourself how much you’re willing to spend or can spend — be realistic, don’t be swayed by guilt or what you think everyone else can spend — and, finally, if you’re up for it, straight up ask the bride how much she expects her bridesmaids to lay out.

This is important, considering that the second most chosen response on a Savvy Sugar poll asking What’s the Most You Have Spent as a Bridesmaid? (right after “I’ve never been a bridesmaid.”) was “Well over $1,000.” You read that right, 17% of respondents have spent more than a grand preparing for and participating in someone else’s wedding. For those whose eyes are bugging out, I’ll add the the third and fourth most chosen responses were “Between $100 and $300.” and “Between $300 and $500.”

I’m lucky in that I’ve never been asked to do much as a bridesmaid or maid-of-honor other than buy a suitable dress in such-and-such a color since more often than not I’ve had to travel to participate in the weddings of faraway friends. I wouldn’t have minded, though, having to spend some money (maaaaybe up to $500?) and much more time helping the brides prepare for the big day. But thousand bucks? I think I would have had to gracefully decline unless it was a sister or my mother or someone equally important. What do you think?

The first thing to do is free your mind of fear of the Bridezilla label. It gets used for everything from genuinely abusive behavior to simply reminding the florist that you already said you’d prefer not to use lilies. In other words, the term has lost its meaning while retaining its power over brides terrified of making a misstep. Forget Bridezilla. She’s only going to rear her head if you’re naturally a rather horrible person, and we all know such a person would never read this blog for long.

So when is it necessary to not be a nice girl?

When you are dealing with any professional relationship, that’s when you need to be firm and clear about your needs. If you do not state your requirements clearly from the beginning, you kind of have nobody but yourself to blame if the vendor fails to deliver. The vendor also needs to know that you know what you want and what you asked for.

This is not to say that most vendors are out to trick or shortchange you. The vast majority of vendors are just people trying to make an honest living, and that means they care about their reputation too much to try to screw you over. Many of them are also genuinely nice people it’s fun to be around, which tempts some of us to assume a more personal relationship than actually exists. However, there’s always that tiny minority that make it necessary to keep a strict eye on the details. It’s way too easy to find that the really, really nice person you’ve been dealing with wasn’t nearly as nice as you thought. There are also professionals who truly do mean well, but just aren’t as competent as they present themselves as being.

Let me say it again: just because someone puts out a shingle doesn’t mean that person is capable of doing the job as advertised. Just because someone is in the business doesn’t mean they won’t cut important corners.

When you begin to research any vendors you intend to work with, be sure to ask for references. Any reputable professional who has been in the business for more than a week should have some former customers who are willing to discuss their experiences. Ask for those names, and call the numbers. Ask whether everything delivered was what was ordered or a reasonable substitution. Find out whether they showed up in a timely fashion and appropriately dressed. Discuss whether or not the company was pleasant and organized to deal with in the time leading up to the event they worked. Don’t be afraid to ask if there were any last-minute expenses that hadn’t been budgeted for and the circumstances involved.

Once you choose your vendor, get everything in writing. Cover not only the costs, names of key personnel, timeline, and dress code, but what would constitute a reasonable substitution. After all, sometimes the unexpected happens. Hydrangeas come out the wrong color, the crop for an ingredient in your main course is wiped out in a freak series of hail storms, and the list goes on. Disasters happen. Prepare for them.

If there is anything in the contract you don’t understand, don’t sign it until you do. It’s tempting to assume that nice lady with the big smile is just handing you that slip of paper as a formality, but once you sign it you are legally bound by it. Ask questions until you understand. Don’t sign it until you are comfortable with everything in it.

If you look at the contract after you understand everything in it and it still makes you uncomfortable, go with your gut and don’t sign it. You’ll never be able to relax on your wedding day if you’re panicked about whether the DJ is really going to show up.

Check back in periodically. No, this is not carte blanche to nag some poor photographer or florist to the point of dementia, but it’s useful to touch bases a couple times between the day the contract is signed and the day of your wedding. Ask if there are any issues you should be aware of and let them know of any changes you wish made. Expect to pay extra for these changes. It’s part of being businesslike with a business.

Have your contracts either with you or in the hands of a trusted lieutenant on the big day, just in case. It’s probably better to hand them off to someone else on the day of so that you can relax. Still, make sure they are readily available and in the hands of someone familiar with the provisions. You may not be able to get precisely what you wanted if the vendors show up on your wedding day with all the wrong things, but at least you can prove them wrong and demand whatever compensation is possible.

Never ever let fear of a stupid pop culture term scare you out of looking after your own welfare. It’s not mean or irrational to be informed and crystal clear in your dealings with vendors. In fact, the really good ones appreciate working with a bride who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask questions before signing on the dotted line.

Be smart. Be professional with your professionals.

There’s one thing, however, that’s clear about the term: bridezilla is an attitude of entitlement. Period. That’s what it’s about.

And so I have to kind of wonder at this article by Lauren Beckham Falcone for the Boston Herald. Her claim is that falling budgets for weddings equal an end to bridezilla.

Really?

Look, I know that we here at Manolo for the Brides are all about keeping to budgets and keeping the wedding day in perspective. We remind people often that there are alternatives to nearly everything expected in a wedding, that just because it’s expected doesn’t obligate you to have most wedding items, and that a little imagination can work wonders on the smallest budget. We’re fond of reminding you that things like ice luges, reception gowns, and live orchestras are not necessary for a nice wedding.

But there’s one thing we’ve never done, and that’s conflate a large budget with bad behavior.

Here’s the thing: a lavish celebration is not an act of aggression in and of itself, nor is a bargain basement budget an obvious indication that the persons involved are thoughtful and gracious.

If you’ve got the budget and want to spend it on a big, expensive wedding, this does not make you a bad person. What makes you a bad bride, yes, a bridezilla, is treating the people around you like crap. It’s assuming that because you want it, everyone around you should make it happen, whether you can afford it or not. It’s failing to show respect for others. It’s behaving as though vendors have no feelings, bridesmaids are indentured servants, and the weather itself will do your bidding because you are getting married.

So long as you treat the people around you with consideration, and don’t expect the world to spin differently on its axis simply because of your impending nuptials, I don’t care whether your budget is $100.00 or $100,000,000.00. Budget and behavior are two different things.

Behave like other people have feelings and needs (you know, ’cause they do), spend the money you have available in the way you choose, and enjoy the day you create.

Remember: budget and behavior are not the same thing.

Right now I’m thinking of Bride Wars, which was met with largely negative reviews from critics. As it should have been. You’d think that a chick flick about two friends who are both getting married would feature strong women expressing their feelings and learning about themselves and kicking ass with girl power. Instead, you get a no holds barred chick vs. chick bitchlympics. Granted, the main characters do make up at the end, but they spend a good deal of the movie acting like spoiled bridezillas whose supposedly strong friendship is all but fractured by a clerical error.

Movies like Bride Wars aren’t meant to depict reality, I know, but the whole premise implies that caring independent women are just one wedding mishap away from turning into screaming banshees who will sacrifice their most precious relationships to ensure their ‘special daaaayyyyyy’ stays special. It ticks me off and bums me out at the same time, since I know that 99.9999% of the time, brides-to-be are calm, partial to compromise, and willing to roll with the punches… especially when the people important to them are involved.

So did any of you see Bride Wars? What did YOU think?

Now, I don’t know about you, but the appeal for me has always been something akin to nuptial schadenfreude. I can look at the screaming brides and pat myself on the back because, hey, I’m not them! And I wasn’t them! And I’ll never be them, whew.

Sarah Haskins created a Target: Women that addresses this issue so much better than I ever could… you know, because I don’t have a video camera and an editing team backing me up. Bridezilla versus Momm-Ra? “Yeah, wide load, you better get it through your obese head that you’re too fat to get married.”

I recommend watching all the way through because the ending is the best part. Enjoy!

Agh! My eyes! Missy Quinn (16, she of the £100,000 wedding and £16,000 dress) is much scarier than anything I could have dredged up on such short notice.

Happy Halloween!

While the brides interviewed for this part of the article a) refused to give their names and b) were not directly quoted, the article assures us that lots of brides are doing this in order to make sure they have perfect wedding days. After all, if a bridesmaid neglects her skin for a few weeks and winds up with a zit that morning, or she dares to wear her eyebrow ring, we all know the entire wedding will be ruined! Let us not even whisper of the vileness of a bridesmaid who gets pregnant before Myyyyy Daaaayyyyyyy!

On the other hand, according to the article such a contract costs anywhere from $5,000 to $10,000 to be properly drawn up by a lawyer. That alone seems to me to make the idea at the very least financially impractical for the average bride. Hmmm…I can afford to feed my one hundred guests a nice dinner and give them some good champagne to drink, or I can draw up a legal document and force my best friend and two sisters to agree not to flirt with the groomsmen. Which should I spend the money on? Oh, Uncle Joe won’t miss the prime rib. I’ll just feed him a breath mint if he gets stroppy.

I would also think there’s a very good chance that presenting your nearest and dearest with such a contract might make the issue moot simply because that’s when many a self-respecting bridesmaid will quit and never speak to the bride again.

Most interesting to me, though, was the fact that the Newsweek article linked to an article at the American Bar Association website to show us this growing trend…and the article at the ABA just plain doesn’t show any such thing.

In fact, the article, which ran in February of this year, doesn’t discuss something that American brides are doing, but rather an article that ran in the Daily Mail around the time that revealed the results of a British survey conducted by You & Your Wedding magazine wherein 20% of the one thousand respondents ticked the box that said they would like to have such a contract, and only about half of them went on to tick the box that said they’d fire a bridesmaid who broke the contract. The ABA article goes on to state that while the editor of You & Your Wedding thinks bridesmaid contracts are going to be big soon, no evidence existed that they were already in use.

But when you look at the actual quote from the magazine editor, even that’s lukewarm toward the issue. Here’s the quote the ABA article pulled from the Daily Mail article:

“Planning weddings can be a stressful time for brides, and management issues with bridesmaids can ruin both the anticipation and the big day,” says editor Colette Harris. “While our contract is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, the survey demonstrates that issues with bridesmaids are of concern. Perhaps contracts are the way forward.”

Not really the ringing endorsement promised by the article. Sure, she says it might happen and she doesn’t seem to be against it, but she’s not precisely gushing with delight over the prospect, either.

So if the American Bar Association says it isn’t being done, where is Newsweek getting the price tag from? They don’t say. If they interviewed actual brides who have used such contracts on the record, why are there no pull quotes at all? If so many women are merrily forcing their best girlfriends and sisters to sign legal contracts preventing them from getting drunk at the reception, why are they not presenting similar contracts to the groomsmen, flower girls, and ring bearers?

And if nobody can point to a bridesmaid contract that wasn’t a joke and didn’t appear in an episode of Bridezillas…then why are so many articles being written about this so-called trend?

Methinks I smell a big ol’ honkin’ rat.

But is disaster so inevitable? Not necessarily. In fact, if approached thoughtfully and planned intelligently, DIY projects can add tremendously to the intimacy and charm of a wedding without causing undo fuss behind the scenes. Let’s deconstruct a DIY disaster on a recent episode of Bridezillas and see how it might have been done more successfully.

Maria had a DIY brainstorm for her wedding. She decided that instead of having more traditional centerpieces of flowers on her reception tables, she wanted to decorate each table with a home made layer cake. I can see some of you shuddering with fear already, but as an experienced home baker, I actually thought it was a very good idea. Unfortunately, there were numerous disasters along the way, but each one could have been avoided. Here’s how.

1: Consider the scale of your project. Maria needed thirty-eight cakes to use as centerpieces for her tables. She also planned to have a traditional bride’s cake. That makes thirty-nine cakes in all, at least one of which will need some fairly elaborate decoration. If you’re going to do that much, you need to know what goes into each one of those cakes (bouquets, dresses, favor boxes, or whatever your project happens to be) and how long it takes to make one. Time your project from laying out the materials to the final flick of frosting or tied bow and decide whether you really do have the time, skills and resources to do it properly.

For instance, I can do a simple layer cake in about three to four hours from setting out the butter to soften to the final smoothing of the frosting. More than half of that time is waiting for things to warm up or cool down to the proper temperatures. If I have plenty of the ingredients and equipment on hand and enough room to work, I can turn out two or three cakes in one day without completely losing my marbles. That’s working alone in the kitchen I actually own. Assuming two cakes a day, that means I would need approximately nineteen days of unrelieved baking to make thirty-eight cakes all on my own. I’d better get a helper or two…and at least one extra bowl for my stand mixer.

2: Determine whether there’s anything you can do in advance, and make arrangements to do so. Maria, from the look of things, waited until a few days before her wedding to start baking. The thing is, cake layers can freeze well. Many kinds of cake can last up to two months in the freezer. Quite a few of the sturdier frostings can be frozen even longer without turning.

Consult your cookbooks to see how long your cake can freeze successfully, and start making room. If your project is making the flower arrangements and you need a lot of them, consider using silk blooms or some other non-perishable item to make them. Tulle bags or little boxes for favors can be assembled months in advance even if what you’re filling them with can only go in the day before the wedding.

3: Seek out volunteer help…and determine the best use of them. Maria did have help. She had a mother and ten siblings most of whom seemed to be helping out. Unfortunately, she was not good at delegating the right job to the right person. One sister kept trying to make batter and being screamed at because she didn’t really know how to do it to Maria’s satisfaction.

Not everyone who wants to help is good at all the parts of a project. Someone who is terrible at mixing batter, though, might have a good hand at frosting, or could be sent to the store when there’s a sudden dearth of flour, milk, or butter. She could have been put in charge of keeping the pots and pans clean and ready to use. It’s all help. Anyone can do something. But if the first thing you ask them to do doesn’t work out, don’t scream and yell. Just put them on a different part of the job. Or maybe make your instructions clearer. Sometimes it’s not that someone is incompetent, but that they didn’t get the memo on how it’s supposed to be done. Maria screamed at her sister that she was putting things in the batter the wrong way, but never showed her how to do it properly, and never explained what was wrong about how it was being done. Clear instructions could have saved a lot of misery…not to mention wasted cake batter poured down the sink.

4: Be thoughtful of your volunteers and thank them often. Well before the ordeal was over, at least two of Maria’s sisters were muttering mutiny for the cameras. Why? Because Maria spent so much time yelling at them, finding fault with everything they did, and bossing them around. In fact, she’d ordered one sister to have labor induced so she wouldn’t be in danger of giving birth right when Maria needed her to bake and frost cakes. Then Maria complained that there was a crying infant in the kitchen. Yup, that would make me want to do some more baking for her…probably just so I could smash a cake in her face.

Helpers quickly grow to resent this sort of bullying treatment and stop caring about making you happy. If you smile, thank them often, and perhaps provide a couple pizzas when the work is done, you’ll get volunteers who still like you and want to do their best for you.

5: Assume there will be a problem somewhere along the line and prepare for it. Accidents happen. With the best intentions and the most organized helpers, something can still go wrong. In Maria’s case, a cake was dropped on the way to the reception. She’d needed thirty-eight cakes, so she’d made thirty-eight cakes. Had she thought to make forty just in case of accident, there would have been plenty to spare. Make sure you’ve got enough materials to make an extra or two of whatever you’re doing in case one gets damaged or you discover at the last moment that you miscalculated the number you needed. Besides, who can say no to extra cake? Oh, and if you can, feel free to pack it well and send it to me!

DIY projects take extra time and effort, yes, but they needn’t be ordeals. It’s amazing how big a difference a bit of thought and organization can make. It’s the sort of difference that can turn a wedding into your wedding.

It’s a good thing my bridesmaids weren’t being judged by the wedding establishment — they would most certainly have been deemed unfit. Luckily, they were being judged by easygoing little ol’ me who didn’t care whether or not they lifted a finger to help. Unfortunately, those stationary fingers couldn’t even be arsed to, say, order gowns in a timely fashion, meaning that both of my attendants ended up wearing frocks I didn’t quite care for. C’est la vie!

Still, my duo of bridesmaids showed up wearing appropriate wedding wear and were generally pleasant before, during, and after my wedding. Thank goodness for small favors…I chose family over friends, you see, and that in and of itself can be a recipe for calamity.

According to a Telegraph article sent to me by the absolutely fab Nicole (and a Daily Mail piece), the newest “American style” trend being adopted by British brides is the bridesmaid contract. First things first: I’d love to send off a letter to journalist Aislinn Simpson to make sure she wasn’t simply duped into thinking a one-time, overblown spoof event is the nuptial norm here in the States.

Because, really, I’ve known plenty of brides and bridesmaids in my day, and I have never once encountered anyone who either seriously thought of presenting her maids with a contract or had to sign a contract before being accepted into the bridal party. And yet the article linked above states that:

Despite the fact that 61 per cent of brides picked a best friend as their choice of bridesmaid and 49 per cent chose their sister, 48 per cent would sack a bridesmaid who failed to stick to the rules.

The survey of 1,000 women, commissioned by You & Your Wedding magazine, asked women which clauses they would put in their contract.

It found that respondents’ biggest gripes were with bridesmaids who put on weight, became pregnant or changed their hairstyles before the big day.

Humph — I can just imagine the sheer horror the 48 percent would have felt when looking at my maids. One was not exactly what you’d call petite and the other had all manner of tattoos! By the time my wedding rolled around, I hadn’t seen either gal’s hair style in ages upon ages. For all I knew, they were both as bald as babies! All right, neither actually was bald, but they could have been bald, pierced, fat, emaciated, pregnant, disabled, punk, goth, or whatever.

It wouldn’t have mattered! One of the things I state very emphatically in iDo (look for it in June) is that the only sack-worthy offenses are the ones that are also sack-worthy in real life. For example, you can fire a bridesmaid if you discover that she’s just committed a crime, she’s an alcoholic or drug addict, or that she’s sleeping with your fiance…in which case you ought to fire him, too.

If said bridesmaid dyes her hair purple without asking your permission, has a surprise bun in the oven, or gets a little pudgy in the months leading up to your wedding, deal with it.