Manolo for the Brides

Ever wonder why the Second Thoughts board at Indiebride is always jumping? It’s because a huge percentage of brides- and grooms-to-be deal with cold feet at least once before they tie the knot. Few people talk about it — and some won’t even admit to it — but all in all, “what the crap am I doing?!” moments are pretty common. I know that I and many of my friends asked ourselves if we were doing the right thing…and we all ended up married.

It’s important to remember that second thoughts and cold feet don’t necessarily mean that your marriage is doomed. Rather, it’s just a natural reaction to making what is ultimately a big life change. The thing about getting engaged is that it can be a whirlwind of lovey-dovey daydreams, excitement, shopping, and other nice stuff, which doesn’t leave you with much time to sit down and really mull over what getting married means. Cold feet can be the psyche’s way of forcing us to stop thinking about linen colors and start thinking about sharing a life with someone.

Overcoming Cold Feet

• Your spouse-to-be is getting on your nerves. You suddenly hate how he chews…the way he leaves his shoes by the door…how he sneezes. In fact, you’d really like to kill him right about now, but you need someone to help you carry two huge boxes of faux flowers up three flights of stairs. Planning a wedding is stressful, and it’s normal to direct all that irritation toward the nearest human being. This is a good time to sit down and meditate on all the things you love about your intended. Your feet will probably warm up again when you’re in a better mood.

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I’m bringing you this week’s LOVE/HATE a day early because I’m feeling kind of peeved…which should be a big clue into how this edition is going to swing.

I was reading, as I often do in my spare time, articles about weddings and wedding planning when I came across this little gem:

Here is all a man needs to know about an actual wedding:

1. Sit down and shut up.
2. If it’s your own wedding, stand up and say “I do” at the appropriate time.
3. SIT DOWN and SHUT UP.
4. If it’s your daughter’s wedding, sign the checks.

HATE HATE HATE. I’m so sick of hearing that grooms-to-be are too stupid to plan a party and that brides-to-be are too crazed to let their fiancés have any opinions. I’ll be happy when this piece of common “wisdom” finally dies out. It’s happening, albeit slowly — as more and more couples pay for their own weddings, guys are definitely taking an increased interest in where their money is going. Dudes as a group are neither clueless nor “just scenery,” so isn’t it time to stop treating them as such?

Of course, that’s just my take on it. What say you?

Brides with flasks hold a special place in my heart. Hey, the brides least likely to have a little calming nip on their wedding days are those who typically don’t drink at all. The brides who roll with a flask in hand are usually cool chicks or at least look like cool chicks in photographs, anyway.

This edition of LOVE/HATE isn’t so much about brides with flasks — whether to imbibe or not is a personal decision — but rather about brides who wear their flasks. The only flask garters I could find two years ago were boring to look at and sold only sporadically. Nowadays, plenty of crafters make and plenty of sellers stock tiny flasks that fit in tiny pockets affixed to pretty garters.

I suppose I love them, though I imagine they would not be quite as feather-light as the lovely garter I wore on my wedding day. What say you?

Photo by the talented Lara Swanson

ACHTUNG: Multiple comments on this entry were deleted as spam, and we here at Manolo for the Brides heartily apologize for our happy trigger fingers. We ask that you please repost your comments — and if you need to throw a few buckets of birdseed at us as revenge, that’s okay.

I was talking recently with a good friend when the conversation turned (as it often does when I’m involved) to weddings. My friend said something that struck me as terribly wise. She told me that when she and her ex-husband were getting married, the first thing they did was entirely remove the word ‘perfect’ from their vocabularies. No, the marriage didn’t work out in the long run, but the wedding was apparently a blast that she remembers fondly and in great detail.

While Mr. Twistie and I didn’t excise the word from our lives, it struck me that we’d also hit on the excellent plan of not expecting perfection in an imperfect world. The result? I remember my wedding day with joy and clarity.

By contrast, the most stressed-out brides I’ve seen have been the ones who fussed and fretted over every detail in a futile quest for ‘perfection.’

Again, I saw an excellent illustration of the value of letting go of perfect on an episode of Whose Wedding Is It, Anyway? when the contrasted couples couldn’t have made the point more obviously had they been a deliberate public service announcement.

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I read an article about keeping bridezilla at bay yesterday, and one of the tips the author offered up was “Envision and then become the bride you aspire to be.” I thought it rather odd advice, since so much of bad bridal attitude one encounters on the WE channel and Etiquette Hell seems to come from unrealistic expectations.

When it came time to plan my own wedding, I didn’t give much though to the sort of bride I’d be. I am who I am whether I’m wearing sweatpants or Spanx. But if you’ll allow me the luxury of looking back and fantasizing just a tad, this is the bride I personally would have liked to aspire to be. I don’t know anything about her, other than that she is headed to her civil ceremony in Villejuif, France in 1975. I can’t even see her face, though everything about her bearing leads me to believe that if she turned around we would all be dazzled by her beauty. She practically shouts chic!

What kind of bride do you (or did you) aspire to be? Or does the whole notion strike you as just a tad silly?

For those brides-to-be who don’t care for veils or hats or elaborate updos but still want a little flair for their hair, there’s always hair jewelry. There are no wrongs or rights when it comes to wearing it so anything goes. Pin yours in front, in back, or to the side…wherever you want some sparkle.

Hardwired sells hair jewelry (which I love, of course) in two pretty incarnations — pins and curves. I personally prefer the curves because you can wear them no matter how long or short your locks are!

It’s not at all uncommon for wedding planning to include a little envy and a little oneupmanship. You want to wear a gown just like the one Gwen Stefani wore. Your sister had a sundae bar so you want a gelato station. And you just know everyone is going to love the favors you’ve chosen. There’s nothing wrong with thoughts and feelings of that ilk.

Nothing wrong, that is, until you start making decisions driven by the peer pressure that seems to be omnipresent in the world of weddings. When you stop thinking in terms of “I WANT to do this” and start thinking in terms of “I HAVE to do this,” there may very well be heartbreak on your horizon. It doesn’t matter if you’re trying to keep up with the Mr. and Mrs. Joneses or trying to appease pushy relatives — bowing to nuptial peer pressure often means having the wedding other people want instead of the wedding you want.

They didn’t give in and look how happy they are!

Where does the pressure usually come from? There’s media pressure, for one. Magazines, television shows, and the ladies who love them will all be quick to share these “facts” with you.

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Brrr! Did summer transition into autumn overnight while I slept, because it’s suddenly cold here in the northeast. I’m talking sweater weather and beyond. Yesterday, I wore a jacket for the first time in forever. I feel like it won’t be long until I’m breaking out the beautiful vintage gloves my MIL gave to me. Not having been made for it, I dread winter — only the love of The Beard has kept me in this place that once a year becomes a frozen wasteland.

The only nice thing about winter, in my opinion, is that one has a chance to buy new jackets, hats, gloves, and other cold weather accessories. If one is scheduled to be a wintertime bride, there’s a whole range of bridal accessories most of us never even think about. Take, for example, the fur muff, a very old fashioned sort of accessory once made of minks or bunnies but more often crafted from Muppet skins nowadays.

To wear a muff to keep the cold at bay isn’t so unusual, but a handful of brides opt to carry one in place of a bouquet. Some even have their florists affix flowers to the muff itself. I’ve read that they are more popular in Europe than they are in the States, but I haven’t known enough European brides to confirm that assertion. What I do know is that the bride who chooses to carry a muff is generally either into the whole wintertime look (think fur-lined hooded cape) or into the whole vintage look (think pillbox hat). Then again, maybe her hands just get cold.

Me? I love ‘em, but I have a soft spot for them because I had two fur muffs as a child and I think they keep the fingers much warmer than do gloves. What say you? Cute or totally lame?

By the way, do yourself a favor and don’t do a Google image search for bridal muff with Safesearch off.

This post in honor of De’s best friend, whose groom vetoed her bridal Chucks idea. After reading De’s comment, I couldn’t stop myself from finding pics of wedding parties who opted to wear Converse over dress shoes. I’m not saying that I’m pro bridal sneakers — especially when they’re the platform kind that look like they’ve contracted a plague of rhinestones — but I count myself in the pro All Stars camp.

Seriously, how cute is this snapshot by photog Katy Regnier? From what I can tell, the bride was the only one cool enough for Converse…and purple ones, at that!

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