When this photograph was taken somewhere around WWI, the duties of everyone in the picture were pretty clearly known and generally not too onerous. They had to show up on time looking clean, wear what they were told, do a little hand-holding if necessary, and deport themselves with reasonable dignity. The MOH would – funds, time, and first-time bridal status permitting – be responsible for any bridal shower that might be held. The best man would hold some sort of stag party for the groom, which usually consisted in those days of giving him a nice dinner, providing some cigars and decent whiskey, and kidding him about his soon-to-begin sex life. Oh, and those flower girls? had to look cute and strew rose petals.

These days the rules aren’t quite so cut and dried. The duties of bridesmaids and groomsmen now range anywhere from ‘show up on this day and wear something in this general color range’ to spending a year being the bride’s personal slave and whipping girl. You may be told to wear whatever you like within a color/style range, or you may be informed that you’re getting matching shoes, jewelry, mani pedis, updos, make up, and Botox injections… at your own expense, natch.

What did I expect of my attendants? Well, I expected they would all show up on the big day wearing the skirts and blouses I gave them patterns and fabric for. I told them to trim the outfits any way they liked and to wear whatever flat shoes they preferred. I expected them to keep their naughty bits covered and have as good a time as they could at a party. One of the bridesmaids did sew my gown, and I expected she would get it done in time for me to wear it down the aisle… but when it nearly didn’t happen, I considered the friendship a lot more important than my wedding gown. My MOH held a lovely shower for me, helped address envelopes, and drove me on a couple errands, but these were voluntary things I appreciated, not orders from me.

As for the men, they were entirely Mr. Twistie’s bailiwick. I think all he expected was that they would show up on the day wearing what he wanted having read his mind. One of my brothers called me three weeks before the wedding asking what he was supposed to wear as a groomsman. He threatened that if he didn’t hear from Mr. Twistie soon, he was going to show up in a kimono and top hat. I told him that was more than fine by me, but I would have Mr. Twistie call him with any instructions he might have. It seems he just assumed that all his guys had some form of formalwear in their closets and would simply wear that. I told him to let them know that for certain. Drat. I kind of wanted to see the kimono and top hat combo.

So while the women all wore the same basic pattern in the same basic fabric with wildly divergent accessories, trims, and hairstyles, the men wore everything from kilts to tail coats.

Other than that… we really didn’t expect much.

But I’m curious. What did/do you expect? How much do you care about matching outfits, parties in your honor, and help with DIY projects?

WHAT IS HAPPENING???

First impressions, from my end: NOOOOOOO. Do not want. Maybe I’ll write a letter to Dessy letting them know that a huge bias ruffle trim at the neck – paired with what looks like a giant elastic belt, no less – isn’t going to flatter any bridesmaid ever. Look, maybe I’m just against this because I was a little kid in the 80s and the fashion of the day scared me. But I don’t think so. Hating the nouveau 80s bridesmaid dresses with a passion over here.

Would YOU wear it willingly? Or subject your bridesmaids to it?

A bridesmaid luncheon was not a possibility back when I was planning my own wedding, for one ‘maid was in Florida and the other in Nevada. Of course, considering that the bridesmaid luncheon is traditionally held to honor the contribution of one’s attendants, I would have been off the hook, anyhow. Not that one should base the decisions one makes when choosing bridesmaids on how much work one can squeeze out of them, but typically it’s considered polite for bridesmaids to express at the very least a passing interest in the wedding. But anyway.

The bridesmaid luncheon… I’m very curious to know how many of y’all have hosted one as a bride or will host one, and whether you’ve attended one as a bridesmaid.

All the ladies in the house say luuuuunch!

I have been a bridesmaid the average number of times, and I was honored each time a bride picked me when it came time to choose bridesmaids. So much so that I never noticed that none of them treated me to a fancy midday meal prior to the wedding! No, really. Up until a few years ago, I’d never even heard of a bridesmaid luncheon, and recent reading has led me to believe that the bridesmaid luncheon may be a regional tradition. Particularly the bridesmaid luncheon that involves a color palette, a theme, a venue other than one’s home or the local Mexican restaurant where they give out free sombreros, and more than one table’s worth of ‘maids.

P.S. – Worried about being a bridesmaid? Check out The Knot Bridesmaid Handbook: Help the Bride Shine Without Losing Your Mind for practical pointers!

I love the red blue combo for wedding color schemes, for outfits, and for interiors. On a recent rainy yucky day, I wore bright red shoes with a dark blue dress and felt absolutely springy and fabulous in total opposition to the weather. So if you’re still shopping around for a wedding color scheme or a palette for your bridesmaid attire, consider red paired with blue. Or blue paired with red, if that’s how you prefer to think about it. Isn’t it a lovely fun and bright combo either way?

Merrily mismatched red shoes from Ampersand Photography

(more…)

Reader K., who wishes to remain anon for obvious reasons, wrote to me to ask about siblings in the wedding party – specifically inviting other people’s siblings into your own.

I’m getting married to a great guy at the end of this year and neither of us has chosen our attendants yet. I was talking about the whole thing with one of my friends who said right out that she’d rather not be included as a bridesmaid so I’m safe there, but she did mention that I probably ought to invite my fiance’s younger sister to be in the bridal party because not doing so would be offensive to my fiance’s family. What? I’ve never heard anything like that and my fiance has never brought it up, but it’s so easy to hurt people’s feelings and I don’t want to offend anyone. Do I really need to invite my fiance’s sister to be a bridesmaid? She’s nice and all, and we get along, but it’s not like we’re close.

Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time, an ex boyfriend told me that if we ever got married – thank goodness that train never left the station – he’d expect me to invite his sister to be a member of my half of the wedding party and that if I didn’t, he’d and his entire family would be sorely offended. It would literally be an insult to not invite her to be a bridesmaid. I was all, wait, that’s a thing? Turns out that in some families, it IS a thing. As in a thing you better do if you want to have at least a passing relationship with your in-laws. But from what I gather, my ex’s family’s attitude is thankfully not the norm.

Sometimes, of course, a bride and groom (or bride and bride or groom and groom) will come to some agreement regarding swapping or including siblings to keep the halves of the wedding party even or segregated by gender. Now that it’s becoming increasingly acceptable to have bridesmen and groomsmaids, however, fewer couples feel compelled to hand off sisters and brothers to their future spouses. There’s no one wrong way to build a wedding party, so siblings can be included however you want them to be included. That is, IF you want to include them.

Ryan Smith Photography shows us what a sibling-heavy wedding can look like

I’m guessing from the tone of your email that you’re not exactly thrilled with the idea of having to give up one of your bridesmaid spots to someone you’re not particularly close to. My take on the matter is this: If you haven’t felt any particular pressure to include your fiance’s female siblings in your side of the wedding party and the idea never occurred to you on your own, I’d say don’t worry about it. It’s highly unlikely that your fiance’s family is gunning for your FSIL to be a bridesmaid and if she or your fiance hasn’t even hinted at the matter, you’re probably in the clear.

And let’s say the worst happens and someone does get offended… they’ll get over it. That’s a heck of a lot better than planning a wedding all on your lonesome because there’s no one among your bridal party that you’re close to at all, which really sucks.

When did bridesmaids’ garters become a thing? This is one of those weird wedding accessories that I came across unexpectedly in a shop and had to do a double take. Before you start wondering if you have yet another thing you need to buy before the wedding, know that it’s definitely not a widespread thing. There are a few forum posts here and there about it and a handful of wedding photos that include bridesmaids’ garters on the legs of the ladies. But still, I can find some sources pushing bridesmaids’ garters as something we should all know about.

Have you heard about this? As an ‘emergent tradition,’ is your first impression one of love or one of hate? My take is that if you have the money and the time and the inclination to take upskirt shots of yourself in your bridesmaids when you post for photos, then go for it and grab some bridesmaids’ garters (maybe even flask garters). But it does seem kind of silly to give yourself yet another wedding planning to-do when there’s a good chance that very few people will see the result of your efforts.

(Just had to add, how amazing and fun does this pre-wedding outing look? Wish I’d been a part of it!)

Back in 2009, I posted a poll asking how much brides can ask bridesmaids to spend on a wedding and the winning answer was “It depends on the financial situation of each bridesmaid.” But that answer didn’t win by much! The next most popular answers were “$100-$250″ and “$250-$500.” Now me, if a friend asked me to spend $500 as one of her wedding attendants, I’d politely decline – which is the right thing to do if you can’t afford all the *stuff* associated with a wedding. Of course, it’s equally polite to not ask friends to break their budgets to be a part of your wedding!

With that in mind, here are nine bridesmaids’ dresses for under $100 – they’re all different, but what they have in common is that none of them are sold as ‘bridesmaids’ dresses’.

(more…)