I’ve spent a lot of time over the past couple weeks catching up with a bridal reality show I’d managed to miss for a long, long time. Say Yes to the Dress Bridesmaids is yet another spinoff of the original Say Yes about shopping for wedding gowns at Kleinfeld in New York City. This one, though, is a spinoff of a spinoff and takes place at Bridals By Lori, featured in Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta.

The series is on par both in production values and general sorts of message offered with the other shows in the franchise. The search for a dress is presented as a power struggle with a villain, a damsel in distress, and the heroic members of Lori’s team arriving to save the day… or at least the appointment. And most often, in the episodes I’ve seen, at least, one or more bridesmaids take on the role of villain.

This can happen. I have actually been in a wedding where one bridesmaid ran amok and tried to change the entire wedding to suit her rather than the bride.

But my experience has been that the vast majority of bridesmaids, like the vast majority of brides, mean well and honestly want everyone to be happy. It’s just that not everyone may have precisely the same priorities and needs. Taking a moment to really think about your bridesmaids’ needs and priorities might just avoid some awkward situations along the way.

You’re not the only one with a budget. You may have a lavish budget for your wedding (it happens!), but one or more of your closest friends may be seriously sweating paying for that dress… and shoes… and jewelry… and transportation… and two shower gifts… and a wedding gift… and anything else coming along. Every extra expense may actually make the difference between having your friend stand with you at the alter with her rent paid and a decent meal to eat the next day or not. So if you want something extra like matching manicures or updos, consider paying for it yourself. And do be sure to let any strapped bridesmaids know (privately, of course!) that their presence is present enough.

The cost of being a bridesmaid can add up quickly. Do your best not to add to any potential debt disaster for your friends. Lori may have been scandalized by two bridesmaids worrying about an extra six dollars for the dress, but she doesn’t know how high their student loan payments are or what kind of rent they’re paying. It really could be that an extra six dollars on an evening gown they would never wear again meant an extra three days of living on beans and rice.

Comfort does matter. If you’ve got bridesmaids who have never worn high heels, this might not be the time to go with five inch stilettos. If you have a maid of honor who last wore a dress to her first high school formal, try to take a moment to talk with her about how she would feel wearing an evening gown. If you have someone in your wedding party who has difficulty standing for long periods, make sure you arrange for ways for her to sit down during the ceremony, especially if you’re having a long one.

Taking a few minutes to think about someone else’s comfort will not only be of practical use to your bridesmaids, but it also takes some of the focus off yourself, which can reduce bridal stress, oddly enough.

Don’t ask for opinions or ideas if you aren’t going to listen to them. I’m not saying turn the wedding planning into a free-for-all. In fact, you’re perfectly free not to ask any opinions of your bridesmaids at all… though I wouldn’t personally recommend it. All I’m saying is that if you ask for opinions, be prepared to really listen and consider what’s being suggested. Think about their ideas before simply rejecting them.

You never know. Your junior bridesmaid might just come up with a fantastic idea that really makes the reception.

Please and thank you are your friends. Most people who care about you truly do want to help out, but a little consideration keeps them feeling that way.

If your bridesmaids are getting stroppy, ask yourself when you last said thanks for the things they’re doing for you. It may be time to let them know how much you appreciate them wearing a color they hate or running bridal errands for you… though it could also be you’ve got a generally annoyed bridesmaid just acting out. Speaking of which:

Communication is important. Sometimes it’s not something specific you’ve done that is making someone act out. Sometimes it’s a general sense of not being taken seriously, or fear that your marriage will change your relationship with your friend, or jealousy… or goodness alone knows what.

If that’s the case, take that woman aside for a heart-to-heart and see if you can get to the root of the problem.

Then again, there’s communication and there’s not knowing when to stop beating a dead horse. Which leads me to:

Remember the buck stops with you. There are times when a really strong-minded person – even with the best possible motives – becomes a pain by trying to take over. Make it clear that you appreciate input and intend to do your best to find solutions to issues, but that you are the one getting married and that means you get the final say. If you’ve got five women on the same page with you and one fighting, it’s time to put your foot down. Not only will the question be done with, five other innocent bystanders won’t wind up wasting time waiting for the argument to be over.

Make time to just be friends. Planning a wedding has a way of taking over lives. Remember to take time to do the sorts of things you’ve always done with your sister, your friend, your niece, your brother, or whomever is attending you. It makes the transition time easier emotionally for everyone, including you.

Ideally, the people standing next to you at the altar ought to be the people who will support you and your new marriage over time. With a little consideration and a little thought, you can make sure they’ll still be there when you get back from the honeymoon.

For instance, check out these gorgeous cufflinks. They feature a fragment of an antique map (in this case, Italy in 1899) encased under jewelry grade magnifying resin and set in a combination of sterling silver and stainless steel. I can imagine many a groom, groomsman, best man, or bridesman who would be delighted to wear these links on the big day… and use them again afterward. At just $26.00 a pair, they’re also very affordable.

Oh, and don’t worry if you’re not excited about Italy. There are plenty of other places represented in the shop, as well as similarly themed bracelets, pendants, and earrings.

In fact, these attendant gifts might just put your wedding on the map.

(ducks hurled tomatoes)

These days the rules aren’t quite so cut and dried. The duties of bridesmaids and groomsmen now range anywhere from ‘show up on this day and wear something in this general color range’ to spending a year being the bride’s personal slave and whipping girl. You may be told to wear whatever you like within a color/style range, or you may be informed that you’re getting matching shoes, jewelry, mani pedis, updos, make up, and Botox injections… at your own expense, natch.

What did I expect of my attendants? Well, I expected they would all show up on the big day wearing the skirts and blouses I gave them patterns and fabric for. I told them to trim the outfits any way they liked and to wear whatever flat shoes they preferred. I expected them to keep their naughty bits covered and have as good a time as they could at a party. One of the bridesmaids did sew my gown, and I expected she would get it done in time for me to wear it down the aisle… but when it nearly didn’t happen, I considered the friendship a lot more important than my wedding gown. My MOH held a lovely shower for me, helped address envelopes, and drove me on a couple errands, but these were voluntary things I appreciated, not orders from me.

As for the men, they were entirely Mr. Twistie’s bailiwick. I think all he expected was that they would show up on the day wearing what he wanted having read his mind. One of my brothers called me three weeks before the wedding asking what he was supposed to wear as a groomsman. He threatened that if he didn’t hear from Mr. Twistie soon, he was going to show up in a kimono and top hat. I told him that was more than fine by me, but I would have Mr. Twistie call him with any instructions he might have. It seems he just assumed that all his guys had some form of formalwear in their closets and would simply wear that. I told him to let them know that for certain. Drat. I kind of wanted to see the kimono and top hat combo.

So while the women all wore the same basic pattern in the same basic fabric with wildly divergent accessories, trims, and hairstyles, the men wore everything from kilts to tail coats.

Other than that… we really didn’t expect much.

But I’m curious. What did/do you expect? How much do you care about matching outfits, parties in your honor, and help with DIY projects?

I’m getting married to a great guy at the end of this year and neither of us has chosen our attendants yet. I was talking about the whole thing with one of my friends who said right out that she’d rather not be included as a bridesmaid so I’m safe there, but she did mention that I probably ought to invite my fiance’s younger sister to be in the bridal party because not doing so would be offensive to my fiance’s family. What? I’ve never heard anything like that and my fiance has never brought it up, but it’s so easy to hurt people’s feelings and I don’t want to offend anyone. Do I really need to invite my fiance’s sister to be a bridesmaid? She’s nice and all, and we get along, but it’s not like we’re close.

Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time, an ex boyfriend told me that if we ever got married – thank goodness that train never left the station – he’d expect me to invite his sister to be a member of my half of the wedding party and that if I didn’t, he’d and his entire family would be sorely offended. It would literally be an insult to not invite her to be a bridesmaid. I was all, wait, that’s a thing? Turns out that in some families, it IS a thing. As in a thing you better do if you want to have at least a passing relationship with your in-laws. But from what I gather, my ex’s family’s attitude is thankfully not the norm.

Sometimes, of course, a bride and groom (or bride and bride or groom and groom) will come to some agreement regarding swapping or including siblings to keep the halves of the wedding party even or segregated by gender. Now that it’s becoming increasingly acceptable to have bridesmen and groomsmaids, however, fewer couples feel compelled to hand off sisters and brothers to their future spouses. There’s no one wrong way to build a wedding party, so siblings can be included however you want them to be included. That is, IF you want to include them.

Ryan Smith Photography shows us what a sibling-heavy wedding can look like

I’m guessing from the tone of your email that you’re not exactly thrilled with the idea of having to give up one of your bridesmaid spots to someone you’re not particularly close to. My take on the matter is this: If you haven’t felt any particular pressure to include your fiance’s female siblings in your side of the wedding party and the idea never occurred to you on your own, I’d say don’t worry about it. It’s highly unlikely that your fiance’s family is gunning for your FSIL to be a bridesmaid and if she or your fiance hasn’t even hinted at the matter, you’re probably in the clear.

And let’s say the worst happens and someone does get offended… they’ll get over it. That’s a heck of a lot better than planning a wedding all on your lonesome because there’s no one among your bridal party that you’re close to at all, which really sucks.

One of the things that seldom comes up on lists of bridesmaids’ duties is “Keeping one’s mouth shut.” And yet I’d suggest that it wouldn’t exactly be far fetched to tack it on to the end of one of those lists. For as much as the bride-to-be worries incessantly that she will notice every little thing that goes wrong before, during, and after the wedding, a great bridesmaid will do the noticing for the bride and then gently steer the bride away from whatever is wrong so that someone else can handle it.

Or in other less common cases, that same great bridesmaid will find herself smack in the middle of what’s wrong and not go blabbing to the bride until at least after the ceremony.

Recently, that’s just what five Boston bridesmaids did when their wedding limo carjacked before the ceremony by a man fleeing the scene of a crime he’d allegedly just committed. According to a charter bus driver delivering guests to the wedding, the suspect started fighting with the driver, smashed the passenger side window with a hammer, the bridesmaids got out and ran, the driver bailed, and the suspect took off. To their credit, none of the bridesmaids left a bouquet behind, and they all stayed mum about the incident until after the bride had tied the knot.

This particular item on the list of bridesmaids’ duties won’t always be exciting, of course. In some cases, it’s tragic. At my own wedding, for example, I wasn’t told that the reason one of my aunts wasn’t in attendance was that she was terminally ill. And in other cases, the no-no topic is fairly mundane. Maybe the bridesmaids have found out that the ceremony seating arrangements are all wrong and send some of the groomsmen to rearrange everything before go time.

What the conscientious bridesmaid may have to keep to herself on the bride’s big day might be anything, but I can almost guarantee that the wedding will be all the better for her keeping her mouth shut. Yes, in a few cases the bride will wish that someone had spoken up and told her just what was going on. But a bridesmaid’s silence – sometime paired with a little sneaky initiative – can sometimes be all that it takes to keep the bride from realizing that anything is amiss.

The inspiration for this little series was the hugely popular badassery snapshot where everyone looks angrily into the camera with expressions that say “Why the #$%@ are you taking my picture?” and “You want a piece of me? Do ya?”

Or even “You’ve trapped me in this dungeon and I am very angry at you.”

So what you think of all the camera glaring, angry mug making, PO’ed looking brides, grooms, and attendants appearing in wedding albums these days? I kind of hate it, but I’m also one of those folks who has a big grin in my passport photo and on my license. I like a big goofy grin more than I do a pout. How about you?

(Images via: ? and Ed Pingol)

Plain black or some other coordinating color will always be a popular choice, but I thought I’d gently suggest that grooms and brides consider ties with patterns for the men of the wedding party. Why? First, because we spend so much time obsessing over the bridesmaids’ dresses and usually don’t give nearly as much thought to the attire worn by the dudes. Second, because there aren’t a lot of ways for grooms and groomsmen to have fun with fashion while staying in formal suite territory. And third, because there are some truly awesome ties for groomsmen out there! Check it:

The Pi tie is from Wild Ties while all the rest are from Cyberoptix Tie Lab, maker of fine ties featuring bombs, exhaust systems, engines, and other awesome patterns. For real, you can have a lot of fun with groomsmen’s ties.

And shoes, for that matter! I’m loving this shot from A Bryan Photo of groomsmen wearing sneakers that were painted by the groom.

What are your groomsmen wearing? Anything out of the ordinary?

Since this tradition seems to be dying out anyway, there’s really no need for me to put it down, I suppose. But just in case there are any otherwise happy bridesmaids out there reading this who are dreading the thought of slow dancing with some friend of the groom they have never seen or sniffed, I thought I’d share my three reasons for not particularly liking the attendants’ dance. As I see it, this old tradition is…

1. Awkward: While I actually wish that there were more opportunities for social dancing that included switching partners in a platonic, fun way, I still think that having to cut a rug with someone you may find icky while 75+ people look on is just plain weird. It’s one thing to dance with an unfamiliar partner – one who may never have heard of Arthur Murray or mouthwash – and quite another to do it on demand while a photographer circles the dance floor. And if you’re a young junior bridesmaid, it’s even weirder.

2. Boring: So now the wedding guests have sat through the first dance, the father-daughter dance, and the mother-son dance, and perhaps the bride and groom also invited their grandparents up for a waltz. Even if you edited your chosen songs down, you’re still potentially talking about a good quarter of an hour’s worth of dancing on display that the guests have to sit through while they wait for the refreshments.

3. Ineffective: If the bride or groom’s goal is to get people to shake their booties, there are easier ways to do it, like hiring a good DJ or leading by example and shaking it themselves. Because, really, I think that wedding guests can sense the awkwardness of the attendants’ dance, and I don’t know anyone particularly inspired by embarrassment.

I’d recommend that any bridesmaids like myself who aren’t keen on dancing with a random groomsman and suspect that the bride is considering an attendants’ dance at the reception suggest letting all of the enrelationshipped attendants dance with their SOs and then, halfway through the dance, inviting other couples to join them for a special slow dance. Or better yet, suggest that the marrying couple not force their wedding guests to sit through one more spotlit dance.

Now I have to ask: Bridesmaids and former bridesmaids, have you ever found yourself on the parquet in the arms of someone just awful because you were obliged to participate in an attendants’ dance?

(Image via BeDazzled Photography)

Being that it’s bridesmaids week here at Manolo for the Brides, I had to, of course, find a snap of bridesmaids sporting the mustache look. (And now, of course, I can’t find the photo source so if anyone happens to know, speak up.) I personally am pretty cool when it comes to being silly – act my shoe size? No prob! – and I love the idea of asking people to participate in zany reception activities. But I know plenty of people out there endeavor to be way more dignified in their daily lives than yours truly. So I want to hear from bridesmaids: Should brides and grooms take those folks into account when they ask their attendants to play dress up in the wedding pics? Or since bridesmaids and groomsmen technically have the right to say nay, is it okay to require that props be used in the photos?

Ask their bridesmaids to buy matching shoes?

How about adding the expense of matching jewelry on top of the dress and the shoes?

Can the bride reasonably request that all of her ‘maids pay out for matching wedding hairstyles?

Or even matching hair color?

Perhaps there’s the expense of matching tans, whether real or spray?

And you may have heard of extreme brides asking their attendants to pony up for matching cosmetic procedures?

Is there a dollar limit to what a bride can ask her bridesmaids to do or spend on their wedding day look? How about an ethical cap, a la not asking the bridesmaids to drastically change their appearances? And what if the bride is paying for the whole shebang, what then? Do the rules change?

(Some images via: Dott Photography; Megan W Photography)