Manolo for the Brides

I love when the comments on an article are better than the article itself. A few months back, the Washington Post published a frankly tired piece on saving matrimonial money in these tough economic times. Those interviewed were forced by trying circumstances to cut their guest lists from 240 to 200 (gasp!), to stuff envelopes themselves (Gasp!), and to get married in the Bahamas (GASP!). Oh, woe is them, right? This is my favorite response:

Was the article on “less expensive” weddings ["The Big Day Gets Smaller"] intended to upset readers? We read about these poor souls who are downsizing their $40,000 weddings to budgets of less than $30,000. They are forced to opt for destination weddings to reduce the number of guests. One bride-to-be said she was “even considering who is a better gift-giver, like my dad’s friends, to keep on the guest list.” Give me a break.

If the purpose of your wedding is to rake in cash and gifts, why invite anyone? Just send contribution envelopes to your contributors, er, “guests.” Maybe you could even include suggested “gift” amounts. Then you could mail thank-you postcards from your honeymoon. Oh, wait, perhaps it would be easier to just have the guests fill out and mail their own thank-you notes, too.

Amusing, no? Had I read the article in question when planning my own wedding, I would have laughed until I cried. For The Beard and I, there was no “This is just how much weddings cost in this zip code.” It was our responsibility to figure out how we could afford to feed and entertain our guests using the money we had, not the money some random online app like Cost of Wedding told us we should spend.

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Picture from British Cosmo Bride/Photo by Nick Scott

Unless you’re going to city hall to tie the knot, your wedding will probably be anything but simple. Hosting a party for 50 or 100 or 500 people is always going to be somewhat complicated. Your favorite venue may not be available exactly when you want it. The caterer you adore may not normally offer the vegan options that will placate your mother’s side of the family. And it can sometimes feel like everyone from your bridesmaids to your FFIL can’t make a single decision without consulting you!

AAAARGH!

The good news is that while weddings are almost always chaotic, you can take steps to make yours a little less so. Here are a few tips that may help you stay sane as you walk boldly toward wifehood (or husbandhood, for that matter).

Pay your own way
Taking gifts of matrimonial money from loved ones often means taking their input under consideration as well. Just like too many cooks ruin the soup, too many meddling relatives can ruin a wedding. Footing the bill yourself means that you can do your own thing without feeling an ounce of guilt. Of course, you should say no nicely, but by all means feel free to say no!

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Way back in 1989, the NY Times ran an article about no-frills brides who wore suits instead of the usual gowns. Suits, the author asserts, are for women who want to avoid looking demure or overly fem. Then she goes on to call bridal suits sexy — which reads a bit like a contradiction, but really isn’t. There’s no reason a suit has to be frumpy, after all.

”Wearing a bridal suit portrays a woman as being sure of herself, of having a sense of power,” said Louise Maniscalco, a personal shopper at Barneys New York. ”In a suit, she is dressed the way she wants and not the way tradition demands. It’s having your own identity.”

Many — if not most — brides-to-be reject bridal suits out of hand because wedding gowns are such a huge part of the Western cultural consciousness, but in the years surrounding WWII, suits were de rigueur!

The two happy people in the middle are newlyweds…they’re also my maternal grandparents. They were married in Germany sometime in the 50s, and I’m pretty sure the my gram still has that suit hidden away somewhere in her vast closets. I know for a fact that the suit she wore saw plenty of post-nuptial wear because the children of war didn’t waste a thing.

In these shaky economic times — which are shakier for some of us than for others — I’d urge brides-to-be to consider the classic bridal suit. Suits (even very well tailored varieties) can be a great budget option. They bring with it the advantage of being entirely re-wearable because even if you marry in white, natural fibers can be dyed. Paired with gloves, they are as classy as can be!

I’d venture to say that bridal suits are also a wonderful nod to the grandmothers and great-grandmothers who made the most of what they had and who, without gowns, veils, or $30,000 wedding budgets, managed to look chic and gorgeous.

A few days ago I found myself at the local mall over lunchtime entirely sans reading material or a companion. I have no problem eating alone, but if that’s what I’m going to do, I prefer to have a book or a magazine in my hand. Going home where all my books live wasn’t an option since I had more shopping to do (it takes fortitude and visits to several stores to find lightweight summer pants, sometimes), so I headed for the lovely brand-spanking-new Borders that had just replaced the anemic little Waldenbooks we used to have. Same corporate masters, much bigger store.

I marched in and what to my wondering eyes did appear? Dozens of bridal magazines smack dab in my face almost as soon as I was through the door. The one that really caught my eye, however, was a Real Simple special wedding publication. I rather liked the clean, fuss-free imagery on the cover of a bride (well, most of her, since we see her pretty much only from about mid-torso to toes) sitting holding a simple bouquet composed of several large, plump, purple hydrangeas and a few glossy green leaves tied with pale blue ribbon. Her shoes are ballet flats. The gown is unadorned. In short, it looked all about the simple, the stripped down, and yet the elegantly lovely.

Even the tag line at the bottom of the magazine cover looked like the sort of philosophy I have always liked best: ‘Your personalized plan for a stress-free, beautiful celebration.’ Who wouldn’t want that? I snapped up the magazine and proceeded to read it with growing gawk over lunch.

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You know how sometimes your inbox gets so full that you’re tempted to just delete it all and start afresh? That happens to me all the time, but I just can’t do it because half of the stuff I’m sitting on came to my attention because you were nice enough to e-mail me about it. The other half is stuff I stumbled upon on my own and bookmarked while researching things like unusual guestbooks, wicked cool tuxes, and barbecuing brides.

This explains, in a nuptial nutshell, why I’ll occasionally sit down and compose a post made up mainly of links like those outlined below.

• Fairytale wedding? No thanks! Plenty of modern brides are marrying their Prince Charmings but staying true to their Cinderella roots, according to the Post and Courier. But don’t expect to stop hearing about the proverbial $30,000 just yet — the average cost of a wedding has only gone down by $28. That’s what, one less boutonnière?
• If we’re going to have a serious discussion about scaling back, how about we start with the dress? Usually I hit up Nordstrom when I want to spend a lot (not a little) on a dress, but now I know, thanks to Dream Wedding on a Budget, that brides can do it the other way around. Introducing the $98 wedding gown!
• “Makes The Perfect Wedding Present!” No, oh goodness, no. It most certainly does not.
• Thank goodness we have MSN to remind all the single ladies not to become raging witches when their friends tie the knot, am I right? (PLEASE NOTE THAT WAS SOME SERIOUS SARCASM!) The article’s author experienced a mix of jealousy, loneliness, anxiety, depression, confusion, and even terror when her best gal pal got engaged. She claims that the majority of XX-carrying humans feel the same, but I have my doubts. Care to weigh in?
• The Wedding Report says that California same-sex marriages could generate $1 billion the first year. I’m going to guess that the sound I’m hearing is the thunderous footsteps of a raging stampede of vendors desperately rushing to target an untapped demographic.
• And finally, a drawing that I believe originally appeared in Indexed by Jessica Hagy:
  

Watching too many wedding reality shows can do strange things to your head. Over the months in which I’ve been writing this blog on weekends, I’ve started watching way too many of these shows. Frankly, I consider it part of my job to know what sort of crap non-advice is lurking in the shadows, as well as what’s worth tuning in to get some great tips.

For the most part, these shows are definitely the nasty things lurking under the bed in terms of advice. Watched uncritically, one could quickly come to the conclusion that weddings cannot be done on a reasonable budget, and that failing to overspend is the worst thing you can do on your big day short of actually assaulting someone. Brides (and far more often grooms and fathers) are berated for asking the simple question ‘does that fit in the budget?’ or for saying outright ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t afford that.’ The rare bride on these shows who dares to ask how something is to be paid for is looked upon with a combination of pity and horror. The men just get ignored with a wink and a smirk.

Then at the end of the show, the prices get toted up (well, on some shows; most don’t ever tell you how badly the budget was blown), and we learn that a pretty pedestrian wedding costs an arm, a leg, and possibly an internal organ or two. After a while, it’s easy to drink the Kook Aid and agree that budgets are made to be ignored.

Don’t fall for this attitude.

Yes, your wedding is important. Choosing to spend your life with someone is a monumental decision that deserves to be treated with due pomp and circumstance. It’s a big deal emotionally, socially, and - for many - spiritually.

At the end of the day, though, it’s…well…one day. It’s flat-out foolish to spend the next five or six years paying for one day’s activities, no matter how important they are.

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All right, so the decisions isn’t quite as simple as the title of this post implies. The Beard and I spent what money we had on a wedding, with the knowledge that money for a fabulous Costa Rican vacation would appear later. We did not anticipate, however, that the house we planned to stay at would get leased out for two whole years. You could say that our honeymoon plans have been tabled in the long term, in part because we wanted to make sure that my huge family and his little one would be with us when we wed.

I was inspired to think about this after a friend suggested I check out an older post on his blog, Travel Plan Idea:

This is actually a homework assignment for students in my debate class, but regular readers are welcome to play. The topic is eloping and splurging on a honeymoon (this includes destination weddings) vs. spending a bunch of money on a traditional wedding and spending comparatively less money on the honeymoon. For example, I barely remember my wedding reception — it was fine but nothing special compared to my nine week honeymoon in Italy. However, my sister went for the big wedding reception because she wanted to share her wedding day with as many friends and family members as possible.

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I’m a great believer in the concept that a wedding will cost precisely what you are willing to spend on it. I believe in figuring out how much you have available to work with and then tailoring the day to your budget, rather than trying to fit your budget to the party you want to throw. After all, it’s possible in most places to get married for less than a hundred dollars, if you’re fine with simply getting a marriage license and finding a budget JP to do the honors. It’s also possible to spend literally hundreds of thousands of dollars. It’s all a matter of deciding what your resources are and making smart decisions about how to spend your hard-earned cash.

But what does it cost in your area to hold a typical wedding?

I found this fun tool for getting an idea what the average wedding in your area tends to set people back. Just enter your zip code and see what number comes out. Remember, this is an average and your wedding will probably be either more or less expensive, depending on your tastes, circumstances, and resources.

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Not everyone has the cash on hand to buy themselves the ultimate matrimonial outfit. I was reminded of this truism while reading Genevieve Antoine Dariaux’s A Guide to Elegance, a book originally published in 1964. I have the 2003 edition, but it doesn’t seem to have changed much, being that Dariaux advocates the constant wearing of suits and warns against soiled kid gloves.

I wasn’t sure how to take the advice she gives brides-to-be whose dreams outstrip their budgets.

A bride-to-be never dreams of getting married in her everyday clothes, even for the most informal ceremony. If circumstances or her financial means do not permit her to wear the traditional white wedding gown, she wishes at least to appear in something new on that happy occasion. Her best solution in this case is to buy a smart suit and a very pretty hat, which can be of any style at all except for a flowered or white feather headdress with a veil.

Nothing strikes me as more pathetic than to see on Saturday morning at the doors of a church some young bride who could only afford half of a wedding ensemble, when it would have been much more charming and easier on her budget too if she had simply selected a normal city outfit. The same is true of the wedding party, who also have every interest in avoiding cho-chis and pastel shades which will be of no use to them later on.

It’s nice to know that the bridesmaids of yesteryear were as concerned about blah pastels as we are today–the most memorable part of 27 Dresses was how each and every bride told her maids that they’d be able to wear their hideous novelty dresses again–but Dariaux’s advice sounds rather condescending to me. While there’s nothing wrong with going with a nice “city outfit,” there’s a whole world of options in between the giant marshmallow gowns and the plain white suit. Especially now!

For example, this midweight silk dress from the J. Crew Wedding Shop costs a mere $225, which is a steal where wedding wear is concerned. Pair it with a silk and cashmere wrap, some gold (or gold-like) filigree jewelry, and a pair of pretty white heels for a wonderfully elegant and put-together look.