Of course, this is an average of a lot of disparate celebrations, and nobody expects anyone to choose how and where to spend their money according to it. Still, some interesting trends do start to stand out.

One place where couples are cutting their budgets is gifts to attendants, family members, and guests. Attendant gifts, parents’ gifts, tips, and guest favors all took a significant tumble in 2011. Attendant gifts took the biggest hit at a 49% drop in average cost.

Beauty and spa services also took a significant hit. Hair, makeup, and manicures/pedicures all went down. Most paper goods also went down in price. From invitations to save the dates to engagement announcements to place cards to programs and menus, couples spent less money on them. The one exception in this category was postage, which went up by 17.6%.

Flowers are being trimmed back, but other decorations are a rising cost. Music services were scaled back. Interestingly to me, wedding rings dropped in cost by 36.7% and engagement ring costs fell by 6.8%.

But some things also rose dramatically. Ceremony and reception sites went up in a big way. Most photography services rose. Full service wedding planning went up 39.8%.

So what does it all mean for you? Well, knowing which businesses have been hardest hit can mean you’ll find some vendors who are willing to deal a little bit for either a small discount or an extra small service to sweeten the pot. But beware of businesses willing to slash their prices too dramatically or give you the moon for free. A florist who offers one free corsage if you place a large order is one that is behaving professionally. One that offers orchids at the price of carnations… I’d be extra careful about getting referrals at that point.

It also means that services in high demand might well start to go up in base price simply because vendors know they can get what they’re asking.

If you started researching prices this time last year, you might want to double check that those figures are still close to accurate now.

But ultimately, what matters to you is your individual budget vs your individual tastes. So what if other women are spending more on wedding gowns and dessert? If your priority is flowers and invitations or gifts, then that’s where you should put your money.

It’s useful to know what the averages are, but it’s in no way required that you share the same priorities as other couples.

But not every bride is a DIY diva. Not every bride is good at all the things that go into making a wedding pretty and unique. Not every bride has the time or the inclination to create very much by hand. And you know what? Any one of those things is a good reason to leave the work to the experts and have it done for you.

And then there’s the bride who really wants to make at least one or two things, but isn’t certain what projects to pick. How do you choose what to make for yourself and what to give to a professional to do?

As per usual, I’ve got a few thoughts on the subject.

First off, think about what you’re really good at. Do you have a unique skill that could come in handy? Whether that skill is flower arranging, baking, sewing, woodwork, graphic design, or tying a really gorgeous bow, chances are you can work it into something to do with your wedding.

Think, too, about how you want your event to feel to guests. It’s easier to work the handmade into a theme of ‘rustic fun’ than ‘Tiffany’s’ just as a f’rinstance. In general, the more laid back you want things, the easier it is to make it work with basic level DOY skills. Since Mr. Twistie and I were doing a picnic in the woods, simple rustic foods and hand-tied sheaf bouquets were exactly what we wanted and easy for me to create with a couple helping hands. If we’d been doing Disco Glam, yeah, that would have been a bit less successful, I think.

Consider your budget and where you want to put the most money. If you’ve decided to put most of your budget into photography and a spectacular cake, then making DIY centerpieces can save you some money on decor, allowing you to stay in budget… so long as you plan thoughtfully. And that brings me to another thing most of us don’t think too hard about:

Figure out if it will cost more or less to DIY the project you have in mind. Yes, sometimes it actually winds up costing more, depending on what you’re trying to do and what resources you have to hand. If it’s going to cost more and it’s not terribly important to you to do the project yourself, then save yourself both time and money by buying. If it’s available cheaper, but it’s important to you to do it yourself, make sure you include everything in your budget and go right ahead.

Really consider the time available. If Mr. Twistie and I had decided to get married six months after he popped the question, I wouldn’t have been able to make my wedding lace. The lace took a year. The gown took another six months. There wouldn’t have been time. Most women are really busy on a day-to-day basis. Jobs, school, kids, hobbies, social lives… not everyone can do everything they need to do in a day and then add in two hours of working on making their own wedding invitations or sewing up fabulous linens for the big day. Triple the stress involved if the wedding date is close.

Making projects for your wedding is great fun, so long as you think carefully about what you’re going to do and how you’re going to do it. Pick your projects with care, and you’ll be able to enjoy them with pride on your big day.

But there’s a funny thing about average statistics: they reflect all weddings and none, not any one specific wedding.

You see, those numbers include things like Kim Kardashian’s recent multi-million-dollar extravaganza that resulted in mere weeks of actual marriage… and it includes that couple who couldn’t wait for the end of grad school and held a potluck in a friend’s back yard with ten of their closest peeps in attendance.

It includes the women I see on Say Yes to the Dress who don’t blink at the idea of spending fifteen grand on just the dress, and it includes the couples I see on Rich Bride, Poor Bride who present their planners with a budget of less than ten thousand dollars for the entire wedding. It includes the couples on Platinum Weddings who pay half a million dollars on a three-day blowout for six hundred of their best friends like it was pocket change, and it includes couples who borrow the money for a license from their folks and ask a friend to get ordained by the Universal Life Church so they won’t have to come up with a way to pay the officiant.

It includes the people who paid cash on the barrel for everything, and the people who went into debt it will take them years to pay off to have the day they want.

There are statistics and there are handy tools like Cost of wedding.com where you can learn what the average amount spent on a wedding is. Chances are you can find some sort of breakdown of what the ‘average’ couple spends specific items, too, like photography or cake. These things are interesting to know, and if you’re looking into a particular kind of item, service, or look, they can be helpful to you in figuring out what that might set you back.

But there’s one thing they cannot tell you: what you as a couple are able to comfortably spend on your individual wedding. You are not an average. And while your wedding will most likely involve a lot of the expected trappings in one form or another, your wedding is not average. It’s unique to you.

Here’s the bottom line on what weddings cost: your wedding will cost what you are willing to spend on it. That could be anything from the cost of the marriage license, followed by a quick lunch for the friends who married you and witnessed the event to a price tag that would make a Kardashian blush… if such a thing is possible.

My advice? Take a little time to price things you like out; consider carefully what you need, what you want, and what you don’t want; brainstorm a little about how to source things you can’t afford the ordinary way. Then ignore what everyone else is paying, and have the wedding that is the best intersection possible of your style and your available budget.

After all, do you really want to be average?

Money….
A) is the root of all evil
B) makes the world go around
C) makes my head spin like the girl in The Exorcist
D) changes everything

Chances are if you’re in the throes of planning a wedding budget – or trying to stick to one – you’re rapidly learning it doesn’t go as far as you’d like it to. With the national wedding budget average hovering in the neighborhood of twenty grand, and some regions (New York and San Francisco, I’m looking at you) breaking into hysterical laughter at the concept that someone could ever throw a wedding on such a paltry sum, it’s easy to assume that you’ll need a sudden lottery jackpot win, or at least a hefty personal loan, to get you to the alter in reasonable financial shape.

Look, I’m not going to sugar coat this. If you don’t have a lot of cash, then it’s a lot harder to put on a significant wedding bash. Everything from clothes to party decorations to food to facility rental costs money. Some of these things may seem to cost more than they’re worth. But there are ways to help you have the wedding of your dreams without winding up in huge amounts of debt. And I’m going to share five of these tips right now.

1) Be ruthless in cutting extras. No matter what the Wedding Industrial Complex tells you, 98.3% of all wedding ‘necessities’ are actually optional extras. The only things that are actually required are: two consenting adults, anywhere from one to three witnesses depending on the rules where you live (and there are a couple places where, under certain circumstances you don’t need witnesses), a marriage license, and a legally-authorized officiant.

So if you don’t like (or are allergic to, or just can’t afford) flowers, you don’t have to have them. If you can’t feed a hundred people, you don’t have to invite them (though etiquette would very much frown on inviting them and then sending them home hungry). You’re just as married even if you don’t choose to wear rings.

In short, the things that make the budget hard to keep to are pretty much all optional extras. Many are traditions, some are fashion trends, and you may well want every single one. I certainly have no problem with that. But once you recognize that most of the expected wedding things aren’t strictly necessary, it frees you to think about which ones matter to you, and which ones don’t.

Suddenly you can choose a dress out of your own closet or find something from an alternate source, pass on things like napkins printed with your names in favor of plain ones, and drive off from your reception in your own car.

If it doesn’t matter to you and it’s not a legal necessity, you can cut it blithely. The Wedding Police will not get you.

2) Barter and DIY may be your friends. I won’t say they are your friends, because it really depends on what you’re good at, what you need, and how much time you have. If the only thing you ever baked was a box of brownie mix and it failed miserably, don’t try to make your own wedding cake. If you can’t sew, your first project categorically should not be your own wedding gown. But, if you can sew, consider making your own or the bridesmaids’ gowns, or even making tablecloths and napkins from fabric you have in your stash. If you’re a really good baker, consider making your own cake. If you have a green thumb and some space to work with, consider growing your own flowers.

And if you have something to offer a professional, well, you may be able to shave quite a bit off your wedding budget in exchange for your skill and time.

Couples have gotten free wedding cakes in exchange for website design skills, venue rental in exchange for a period of janitorial efforts, formal portraits for babysitting services, and all manner of other great deals. Of course not every professional is open to barter, and not every couple has what the professionals they’d like to work with need. But the only way you’ll know is to ask. Just be prepared that sometimes the answer is no. Oh, and double check the tax liabilities before you start. One party or both may be liable for taxes on goods or services provided via a barter system. That, however, is a drop in the bucket compared to the cost of buying or renting without scratching someone’s back.

3) Get contracts from all professionals you use and read them carefully before you sign. The hall you rented seemed like such a great deal. It was only two-thirds the price of the other hall you looked at… only now the things that aren’t included in the basic price are driving your budget through the roof. The baker seemed like a great deal… until you discovered you’re responsible for your own cake delivery and you don’t have a vehicle that will carry it safely.

Contracts are great. They protect both parties. They spell out precisely who is responsible for what and how restitution will be made in case of failure on either part to fulfill the contract. But don’t sign anything until you’ve read it over and discussed any questions or quibbles you have until a satisfactory compromise has been reached.

Be aware of what you can and cannot do under the contract. For instance, a reception venue may require that you use their caterer or select from an approved list. Make sure you’re happy with the caterers you can use before you take the building.

In my own case, the photographer we used required us to have all formal portraits done before the ceremony. This was actually what Mr. Twistie and I wanted so that we could go straight to our own party and have fun rather than hanging around doing portraits after the ceremony. Many other couples, however, wouldn’t have liked that at all. Those couples would have been happier with another photographer. Your priorities do matter. And our venue gave us a choice between using their onsite catering, which was all barbeque, or self-catering. Period. We self-catered. But then my father and I were both really good cooks, we had an extra freezer to hold the food before the big day, and I found making salads the morning of the wedding really relaxing. The same solution wouldn’t have worked for everyone.

4) Keep in mind who is milking this particular frog. There are only two people getting married in this wedding: you and your intended. While it’s always graceful to be aware of and consider the desires and preferences of others, do not allow yourself to be railroaded by friends or family members who aren’t respecting your choices.

If you are paying the bills, you get the final decision, no discussion. But keep in mind that if someone else is footing all or part of the bill, their sponsorship may come with strings attached. Be sure you can live with those strings before you accept the money. Sometimes it’s actually worth it to do without the cash.

5) Remember that if you go over budget in one area, it will have to come out of another. It’s easy to forget how quickly an extra ten dollars here and an extra fifteen dollars there add up. All of a sudden, you’re getting everything you want, but you’re hundreds – or even thousands! – in the hole. Keep accurate records and revisit what you’re spending on what goods and services to make sure you’re not sliding down a slippery slope into debt.

After all, you’ll want some money left over for the honeymoon!

When it comes to your wedding, it’s easy to get a little carried away. So many things are expected, so many of us have dreamed about pretty things, so many businesses are lining up eagerly to sell us pretty things we had never even considered. And what’s the one thing each of those pretty things has in common? They cost money.

No matter how carefully we budget in advance, it can be easy to add a few dollars here, and indulge a little there until we suddenly discover that we will spend our first married year eating our choice of rice or beans every day, because we can’t even afford both at the same time.

But with a little extra care, we can avoid overspending. Here are a few ideas on how to keep the budget from blowing out of proportion.

1) Check in with your budget regularly. Whether you go over it every day, once a week, or once a month, make sure you know where you are every step of the way. You don’t have to be obsessive, but paying attention is important. If you let yourself ignore where you are, it’s that much easier to allow budget creep. Keep records, file your receipts in one place, and double check your math every once in a while.

2) If you save money in one area, don’t spend the savings in five other places. The other night, I was watching an episode of Rich Bride, Poor Bride, and the couple had saved fifteen percent on their reception hall by agreeing to hold their wedding on Halloween. Great, right? Fifteen percent off the reception hall is a terrific deal that saved them some real cash… except that every time a new shiny idea came along, the bride said they’d saved fifteen percent on the hall, so they had plenty to cover a second gown, a photo booth, more decorations, professional dancers for the reception, etc. That fifteen percent got spent at least six times. In the end, the couple wound up nearly ten thousand dollars over budget. If the groom and the wedding planner hadn’t both gone out of their way to rein the bride in, they might have wound up doubling their budget!

Save money once, spend it once… not six times.

3) If you overspend somewhere, cut something else. Again, this seems like a no-brainer, but a lot of people seem to forget when it comes to weddings that more money will not simply appear out of thin air because something cost more than you thought it would. If you choose a more expensive centerpiece for your reception tables, you may have to nix that special cocktail. Or if you discover that the cake of your dreams is out of budget you may have to scrimp a little on the invitations or the veil to make it happen.

4) Be wary of deals that seem too good to be true. There are a lot of hard-working, scrupulous, wonderful people working in the wedding industry. Unfortunately, there are also some real scam artists taking advantage of the fact that most couples have never planned a wedding before and aren’t really savvy to the realities involved.

If someone offers you a lot more for a lot less, be extra careful in checking out credentials. After all, you may save a bundle on your flowers… but that does you no good if they don’t arrive on site in good time and decent condition. In fact, these ‘too good to be true’ deals can wind up costing you a bundle when you have to scramble mere hours before the ceremony to find an alternative on top of having paid the bill for services left unrendered!

5) Get everything in writing and keep your contracts handy. There are some vendors who won’t sneak out on you, but will try to add extra charges at the last minute. Again, these are a tiny minority, but they’re out there and you can protect yourself against them simply by being organized. Get contracts from all your vendors, read the contracts carefully before signing them, and keep copies ready to hand on your wedding day. That way you’ll have proof that nobody said anything about that extra fee for florist’s tape and that you know precisely how much the cake cutting fee is.

If a vendor tries to tell you they don’t hassle with contracts, thank them for their time and choose someone else. A contract protects both sides. A reputable vendor will know that and want one just as much as you do.

Budgets aren’t fun, they aren’t glamorous. Nobody will praise you to the skies for how attractive your budget is. But at some point you have to pay the difference if you go over. Just keep an eye on things, don’t get swept up in the ‘one perfect day’ rhetoric, and really think about what matters most to you.

After all, whether your budget is a thousand dollars or half a million dollars, you’ve got a top number… and you’ll be just as married at the end of the day. Why court debt?

Weddings are expensive, amirite?

Most wedding vendors post package prices on their web sites – and if not, a photographer or caterer or florist will usually have a brochure listing a sort of menu of various packages and options. And it’s easy to balk at those rates when you’re newly-engaged. I’ve been asked a few times by brides-to-be whether it’s okay to haggle with wedding vendors, i.e., say something like “Are you willing to give me Package B for $1500 instead of $2000? How about $1800?” My answer? I don’t think so. As much as I like to talk about the “wedding tax” and how overpriced so many wedding accessories are, I also like to think that most wedding vendors are good, honest people and thus price their services accordingly.

A wedding vendor is not a weekend flea market hobbyist or a homeowner hosting a garage sale, and the payment they receive for the services they provide to brides and grooms are often their sole source of income. Maybe it’s just that I’m a freelancer, but the idea of treating a specialty service like a secondhand stairmaster seems a little weird to me. So no, I would not recommend haggling with wedding vendors.

What you can do is negotiate based on your needs. Let’s say the aforementioned Package B is for wedding flowers and you think $2000 seems a little steep BUT you love the florist’s work. AND you don’t actually need or even really want every last little thing in Package B. There’s nothing at all wrong with approaching the wedding florist you’ve fallen in love with and telling her that Package B makes the most sense for you, but you only need five centerpieces, not eight, and you’re having bridesmen not bridesmaids so you won’t need any bridesmaids’ bouquets. I don’t think I’ve ever personally encountered a wedding vendor who was unwilling to make adjustments to prices when making adjustments to packages.

In other words, negotiating with wedding vendors is usually as easy as asking to order “off the menu” and there’s nothing wrong with simply inquiring as to whether a vendor is willing to lower their package prices when you’re not asking for everything in that particular package. (And you should never feel obligated to take everything in a package when you don’t want it!) That way, you and your wedding vendors can work together to create something that’s exactly what you need at a price that you can both live with.

What do you think of negotiating with wedding vendors? How about haggling – would you do it?

No matter where you turn, someone is making fun of something that somewhere, a bride-to-be is probably thinking of doing. And since we’re all doing everything on the Internet, there’s a pretty good chance that said bride-to-be will encounter someone putting her ideas down. In an article on Brides.com, April Winchell (of Regretsy fame) outlines a few “‘Money-saving’ Ideas That Will Cost You Your Dignity”, and I have to admit the piece made me rather sad. Here’s a sample of the aforementioned ideas that are apparently dignity drains.

“Toast with white wine instead of Champagne: Champagne can get expensive, and not everyone likes the carbonation.”

I’m sure lots of people will strenuously object to toasting your marriage with Champagne. “How was the wedding?” “It was okay, except for the carbonation. That was a downer.”

You know, some people don’t like dressing up, either. Maybe you should ask everyone to come in sweatpants, and you can all eat pizza over the sink.

“…do away with alcohol altogether and have a coffee bar! Guests can get cappuccinos, espressos, or even decaf.”

Sheet cake and decaf! It’s like Saturday night at the nursing home, only not as fun.

And now that you’ve ruined dinner, how about saving the planet?

Okay, okay, I know the article was more than a little tongue-in-cheek and Winchell even says outright that not everyone approaches saving money in the same way…”My reasonable expense might be your ridiculous extravagance. Your sensible cost-cutter might give me a headache from rolling my eyes.” But really, I have to go with hate on this one. I don’t hate the article, of course. It makes some great points about prioritizing and not trying to overdo the budget wedding substitutions. What I hate is the mean-spirited attitude behind it, which seems to be so pervasive in the world of weddings.

You don’t have a tiered cake? That’s not wedding cake! You’re not serving alcohol? Guess your dry reception will suck. You’re walking down the aisle to what now? Don’t you respect tradition? Your father isn’t giving you away? You’re doomed to divorce! You hear these things everywhere, from brides-to-be, former brides, and people in no way associated with any current weddings, but by gum, they’re going to weigh in.

My guess is that none of you lovely people reading this is going to say you love nasty bridal snarking. But does this get your goat, too? Or am I being too sensitive?

Gorgeous image via The Sweetest Occasion

Chances are you agree utterly with at least one of these service providers. You may even agree with most of them.

But the cold, hard fact is that chances are you can’t pay for every single one of them. That’s where priorities come in. And I’m curious as to what your individual priorities are.

So what are you utterly ignoring? What are you cutting out? Have you decided get a $50 eBay dress? Are you saving money by putting all the music on your iPod and borrowing speakers? Nixing champagne from the reception? Cutting the invitation list to the bone? Showing up to the ceremony in your own compact car? Serving homemade chocolate chip cookies instead of a four-tier, fondant-covered cake?

I want to know what real world brides in 2010 are doing to save a bit of cash. What are your economies?

We also talk a lot on this blog about how to bring your wedding costs under control through careful planning and being open to creative alternatives. After all, we don’t want you to go broke and we do want you to get the most bang for your buck.

But one thing we don’t often discuss is all the hidden fees that can blow your budget if you don’t realize they’re looming on the horizon. What fees? These fees.

Taxes. Sure, the price tag is on every item, but that isn’t the whole story. In most places, you’re going to be dealing with sales tax. Double check what’s taxable in your area and calculate it in.

Alterations and delivery fees. Your wedding gown will need at least some alterations. The florist will be bringing all the bouquets and arrangements to your hall. The baker will have to get your cake to the reception site. None of this will happen for free. Make sure you know what these fees are.

Tips. Your caterer may include a gratuity charge in the contract, and it could run as high as 25%. Your bartender, hair dresser, make up artist, limo driver, or DJ may also be expecting to be tipped. If you’re not sure what’s expected from you, ask around and plan for it.

Extra postage. Before you mail out your invitations, be sure to have them weighed at the post office, in case they’re too heavy to get away with basic postage. Don’t forget that you’ll be putting stamps on the RSVP envelopes! Also, if you pick oversized, undersized, or unusually-aligned invitations, those will cost you extra to mail, too, because they require special handling.

Set up, clean up, corkage, and overtime fees. Check the contracts carefully. Will the florist charge a fee for putting out all the arrangements? Will the bar charge per bottle opened? If your wedding runs long, will you owe the photographer overtime? Are you feeding the band? Know what you’re paying for so you don’t get ugly surprises to your bank account.

Last night I was watching an episode of Battle of the Wedding Designers over on TLC. For those of you lucky enough to be unfamiliar, this is a show where a couple gives an idea of how much money they have, how many guests they expect, and their general preferences for a wedding. Three wedding planners are then given said budget, size, and taste restraints. Each planner comes up with a plan for how to spend that money and presents said plan to the couple. The couple then pick one planner’s dream and hand over the bucks. The audience gets to see how it all turns out.

Fair enough.

Last night’s couple, Xenia and Ezra, had a serious budget crunch. Xenia lost her job right after Ezra proposed and hasn’t been able to find another yet. They’d managed to scrape up $5,000 and hoped to have a tropical themed wedding with 75 guests.

I won’t go too far into the gory details, but the first two designers (Summer Simmons and Linda Ly) both came up with weddings that looked more or less like they might fit the budget at hand. Intimate venues (Linda’s did have a pesky problem that it was a rooftop and helicopters apparently fly overhead fairly regularly), limited alcohol, simple food, etc. Each managed a couple of fun glam design touches, but all in all these weddings did reflect the budget of the bride and groom.

Then came Michael Willms’ design. He started off with a gorgeous formal garden complete with LED lighting built in and a Calypso band to play as the guests arrived. I thought the man had hit gold with this site. Then he took Xenia and Ezra inside to show them the spectacular room where they would be married… and then he showed them the huge ballroom where they would hold their reception… and then he sat them down to their plated salmon dinner and poured them the wine they would serve with it… and then he introduced the DJ… and then he showed them the five-tier cake they would serve. Looking at everything he put together, all I could think was that the flowers alone cost far more than this couple had budgeted for their entire wedding.

When the couple asked how he could do all this on a $5,000 budget, he admitted it was a little bit more than that, but would never be pinned down on numbers. He just kept insisting that when you’ve been in the business and built up relationships with vendors you can get some great deals. In fact, he said that the cake (five tiers of Tiffany boxes with the top one open and spilling out strands of pearls, which I took one look at and estimated was worth half the budget) ought to have cost $2,200, but because of his relationship with the bakery, he could get it for them for $650.

Seriously? He got that cake for less than a third of the usual cost? He could serve salmon for seventy-five on a $5,000 budget? The flowers (huge arrangements of roses and hydrangeas with nary a filler in sight) are free because he can them palm them off on another bride the next day? The venue is both a brand new place that desperately needs advertising and a place with which he has a longstanding relationship that allows him to get two huge rooms and a garden on a $5,000 budget?

By contrast, Linda’s cake was beautiful, but she said flat out that two of the three layers were styrofoam dummy layers and guests would actually be served from a sheet cake hiding in the kitchen. She was able to get this deal because the baker was just starting out and needed some references.

Back to Michael’s wedding design.

The Calypso band alone probably runs half the budget of that entire wedding. The wedding design overall looked like it would be right at home on Platinum Weddings. Even Michael admitted this was a wedding that ought to cost $100,000.

Of course Xenia and Ezra chose the massive extravaganza that couldn’t possibly fit into their budget. It was pretty, but I have to say that seventy five people in that massive ballroom with the twenty-foot-high ceilings with the huge chandeliers looked… sparse.

No word on what the wedding actually ended up costing. All we saw were Xenia’s happy tears.

What I want to know is how hard she cried when the bills came in.

Seems that I’m not the only person who has questions about how the winning designers can pull off extravagant weddings on tiny budgets on this show.

Don’t drink the Kool Aid, brides! These weddings cannot be done on these budgets. And if a vendor tries to sell you a deal that’s way too good to be true, run – do not walk – to the nearest exit.

I call such shenanigans.