Manolo for the Brides

Wedding vows. These are the words that bind a couple in marriage. Some couples take comfort and inspiration in repeating the same words their faith has been using for generations upon generations. Others prefer to strike out on their own to create something uniquely personal. Each approach has its benefits and drawbacks. The decision is one I wouldn’t dream of attempting to make for you, but I will give one piece of advice: consider carefully before doing an original set of marriage vow verses in the style of Dr. Seuss.

The gentleman who wrote these vows was saddened by the fact his bride refused to use them. While I think the parody is clever and oddly charming, I must admit I can understand the lady’s choice…but if Mr. Twistie ever expressed a willingness to have a vow reaffirmation ceremony, I might just keep this on file for such an occasion. Your mileage may vary, but I found this bit both funny and quite sweet:

Pastor: Will you love her when you’re fit,
And also when you’re feeling sick?

Groom: Yes, I’ll love her when we’re fit,
And when we’re hurt, and when we’re sick,
And I will love her when we’re rich
And I will love her in a ditch
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold
Ten years from now a thousandfold,
Yes, I will love for my whole life
This lovely woman as my wife!

Certainly nobody could question the commitment of a groom who expressed himself so forcefully and completely on the subject, could they? I do wish the bride’s version of the vows had also been included.

Whatever words you choose to express your vision of love, comittment, and family, choose them with care. These are words that should stand the test of time…ten years from now a thousandfold.

I’m sorry to say that even though both The Beard and I would have liked to have had a bounce house at our wedding, we did not include it in our budget. Even after my mom told us that we should get one — there would, after all, be kids at the wedding — we still didn’t seriously entertain the idea. It just seemed so…silly.

Looking back a year later, I rather regret our decision. Look at how much fun the bride and groom in the snapshot above are having…and if that’s not a genuinely superb photo op then I don’t know what is. Plus, how many opportunities will I have in the future to rent my very own bounce house? Perhaps none!

The point is, if you’re contemplating doing something goofy at your wedding but you’re afraid of what people will think, forget about popular opinion and throw caution to the wind. As a friend of mine once said, no one ever tells the bride that the wedding sucked. There will always be people who will look askance at your choices — the gluten-free cake, the electric purple wedding gown, the dunk tank, etc. — but it’s not their wedding, and if they have the gall to share their negative opinions, they’ve just shown you what sort of human beings they really are.

While circumstances may force you to make certain concessions, you shouldn’t ever have to subdue your personality!

My inbox is filling up fast, which means it’s time to do an all-purpose dump of all of the great stuff readers just like you have been kind enough to send me. Here’s just some of what y’all have seen fit to shoot my way:

Bride agrees to let groom just do lurchy side-to-side thing during first dance (+5)

During a traditional wedding ceremony in these countries, the bride and groom jostle for a chance to step on each other’s toes. The first to get off a solid stomp on their beloved’s foot will supposedly be the “boss” in the marriage.

McCauley says divorce cakes are in the same category as divorce cards and black roses for the ex. They’re novelty items, usually ordered by a woman to help bring a friend out of her funk.

A Virginia bride wants the wedding of her dreams, but doesn’t have the funds… so she started an auction on eBay. The winner will get to be a bridesmaid at her wedding next April. (GAH.)

A follow-up to the library wedding-themed invitations, in photos!

I envy those who have the guts to get married in some far flung dreamscape. Had I opted to tie the knot in, say, Italy or Australia, I probably would have been disowned. Besides the fact that my then step-mother does not fly — like, ever — there would have been no way my father could have afforded to shuttle all of my siblings out of the country and back. The passport fees alone might have broken him!

It was when planning pissed me off most that I dreamt of eating those non-refundable deposits and ditching the whole works, dragging The Beard off to some romantic spot, and garbling some foreign language vows. But alas, that’s one dream that would have come with scads of social penalties. If any relatives of mine are reading this, see what I do for you? Had I reeeaaaally wanted to, I could have hole up (and gotten married) somewhere like this:

Luckily, destination weddings aren’t always all they’re cracked up to be. Sure, there’s the ease of it all — find yourself an all-inclusive wedding package at some chic resort and you’re all set. And then there’s the evil joy of knowing that all the people you have to invite but don’t really want to invite will probably not attend. On top of everything else, you get to enjoy a mini-vacation or start your honeymoon right out of the gate! Is there even a downside?

Well, yes. There are indeed a few “cons” that balance out all of the “pros.”

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When The Beard and I were engaged, no less than three people felt the need to chime in regarding marriage ceremonies they’d recently attended. They gravely implored us in all seriousness not to incorporate an interpretive dancer into our ceremony. We thought they were kidding, but no.

That’s right – real life brides and grooms with whom they were acquainted had brought in someone proficient in the art of modern dance to interpret their spoken vows in motion. It’s not that I’m dissing the dancer so much as that I’m surprised the couples in question didn’t host any cultural performances either before the wedding to amuse guests during the tedious pre-nuptial waiting period or afterward, as a lark during the reception.

It is your wedding, after all, and if interpretive dance is your thing, then by all means forge ahead. If it’s not your thing, perhaps you and your intended are proficient in the art of fisticuffs?

One Russian couple made up of two pro boxers tied the knot in a boxing ring, exchanging professional-grade punches during the ceremony. A punch, I think, is probably one of oddest ceremonial supplementations you’ll encounter.

If you’re a lover, not a fighter, there’s always the matrimonial Jell-O bath, as one justice of the peace was surprised to find out:

Getting off the elevator, I could smell the scent of candy or some reasonable facsimile. When I knocked on the door, both voices said “Come right in, it’s open.” I walked in and to my astonishment they were in a whirlpool bath filled with orange Jell-O. I said, “What’s going on in here?” They said that they were executives for the Jell-O Corporation and it was their fantasy to get married in it. They had talked about it throughout their courtship and decided that this was how they would exchange their vows. I said, “Do I have to get in with you?” NO. “Do you at least have bathing suits on?” Just for the ceremony, they said.

Different strokes for different folks, right? Or not — plenty of commenters have weighed in over the life of this blog to say that they feel that matrimonial oddities do little more than make guests exceedingly uncomfortable and thus represent quite a severe breach of good and proper etiquette.

I am unapologetic about the fact that my opinion tends to err in the opposite direction. I say, don’t let popular opinion stop you from saying weird vows, busting a slick groove, playing weird music, being escorted down the aisle by your schnauzer, or exchanging body jewelry instead of wedding bands.

But, lest we forget that there may be certain conservative folks on your guest list, don’t think you have a total free pass to do what you will, sans consequences. Maverick brides and grooms may find that some guests simply can’t help but gasp or snicker right then and there, and that furthermore they’re the talk of the entire family (or even of the entire town) for many years to come!

As I was merrily surfing the web, I ran across a site for wedding vows. What fun! I love wedding vows! No, really, I do. In truth, the vows are the single most important part of a wedding. This is what makes the whole thing legally binding and what all the fun window dressing of pretty clothes, delicious food, and beautiful music are there to celebrate.

The part of this particular site that rather tickled my particular sense of humor was the section of Celebrity Vows. Yes, you can now choose the same wedding vows used by Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, or Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller. Actually, most of them are pretty much standard forms from various protestant denominations, and not that unusual.

There was, however, one part in one ceremony that caught my eye. I’d like to share it with you. It comes from Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward’s wedding. While it’s not the vows, per se, it strikes me as a particularly wonderful way of expressing what marriage is really all about:

Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In the Art of Marriage: The little things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say ‘I love you’ at least once a day. It is never going to sleep angry. It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, it should continue through all the years. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have wings of an angel. It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding room for the things of the spirit. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful. It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and the obligation is reciprocal. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.

And I think that sort of says it all.

Finding an officiant to officiate is easy when you’ve got strong ties to a particular faith. If you and your sweetie belong to a church or are members of a synagogue, you may spend no more than a couple of seconds asking yourselves who will perform your rites. Those who are either unaffiliated or nonreligious don’t have it so easy.

What’s an officiant good for? Unless you’re in Colorado, where you can legally perform your own ceremony with the right forms, you need someone to sign off on your wedding to make it official. What are your options? You could hit up the Yellow Pages and pick some random minister or JP. Unsurprisingly, there are numerous search engines for this sort of thing. You can find interfaith officiants, Humanist officiants, Pagan officiants, and freelance rabbis.

Or you could have a friend hit up one of the many, many, many online ordination services out there. Before the Internet got hot, the Universal Life Church ordained folks via mail. Nowadays, you can pick and choose between nonreligious online ordination or heavily religious online ordination. Do a search for “online ordination” and you’ll have more opportunities for ordination than you can shake a stick at.

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Does anyone reeeeaaaaaally need a custom hand-painted aisle runner? No. But they’re still kind of cool.

Truth be told, I was not aware that this sort of thing existed when I tied the knot. I thought all the aisle runners out there were plain ol’ white plastic! It’s too bad, because I definitely would have bought a pretty cloth one from Artistic Aisles, all monogrammed and painted with flowers.

Then again, at $300 bucks for a 75-foot-long runner in a “designer color,” maybe it’s better that I didn’t stumble onto these until after I was officially hitched. Have you bought a runner? How much did it, er, run you?