In addition to their scowls and smirks, bridal models are usually sporting at least a mild case of scoliosis or lordosis. At best, they’re slightly hunched. At worst, they’ve contorted themselves into positions typically reserved for those touring with Cirque du Soleil. I don’t want brides-to-be to get the wrong idea about what constitutes good posture on one’s wedding day, so with the help of Amoretti Weddings I’ve put together a short presentation I’m calling “How Not to Stand On Your Wedding Day.”

Don’t slouch. It makes you appear sad or scared and even worse, those of you who aren’t 98% fat free will not be able to help looking thick around the middle. This model also appears to have to go to the bathroom rather badly… not a good look.

Darling, your pits smell fine so please remove your nose from them. Or at least go check your odor in the privacy of a bathroom stall. Or perhaps the model is a hunchback and the belt under her bosom is actually covering her entire midsection?

Contrary to popular belief, you can wave to your lover who is standing in the courtyard below without listing dangerously toward starboard. Why listen to little ol’ me? List too far and you risk defenestration.

I can’t even tell what’s going on here. The model seems to be rounding her shoulders forward, ensuring a none-too-subtle jutting of the clavicles. One would think that would give the appearance of a concave tummy, but the model also seems to be sticking her stomach out while simultaneously pushing out her tush. Then again, maybe she’s standing as straight as she can.

If someone has ripped off your arms and sewn them on backward on your wedding day of all days, you get a free pass to stand like this. Otherwise, please refrain from performing optical illusions with your body until you and your new spouse are alone in your hotel room.

You know, there are some designers who just don’t know when to say when. One of these designers is Pnina Tornai. She’s huge on the wedding scene, but I have to say I honestly don’t know why. Oh I’ve seen a few gowns from her that weren’t bad, but that’s the most ringing endorsement I’ve ever felt able to give any of her work.

More of her work looks like this:

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Some people have a more difficult time finding a wedding gown than others. Take, for example, the sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid. She’s an apple aaaaand has six tentacles where her legs ought to be. She would probably look best in a wedding gown that accentuates her most striking features instead of hiding them.

But where to find such a gown? Why, in one of the older collections from Kuwaiti designer Haya Al Houti, of course! Embracing your inner (or outer) octopus on your wedding day has never been easier.

As I’ve said before, there aren’t that many things that truly can ruin a wedding. A death in the family or an ill loved one. Circumstances that prevent someone important to the bride and groom from attending. Natural disasters. Being left at the altar. Now designer Britta Kjerkegaard has proven that there is indeed another way a wedding can be ruined… well, another way a wedding dress can be ruined, and for some that can gum up the whole works.

Brides-to-be beware of the perils of fertilizer! The September issue of Brides Magazine features an image of bride who apparently spilled Miracle-Gro on her Kjerkegaard gown.

But don’t think you’re immune to the dangers of fertilizer over-usage just because a wedding gown doesn’t feature any botanicals, for this Kjerkegaard frock from the August issue of You & Your Wedding demonstrates that all embellishments can fall prey to the powers of Miracle-Gro if the bride isn’t careful.

Quick, kill it with fire before the bow expands to epic proportions!

We’ve all heard of the “little black dress,” but how about the little white dress? The little white dress might be a bride’s main wedding dress or it could be the dress she changes into before arriving at the wedding reception. Obviously the little white dress is best suited to weddings that are perhaps a tad less formal or at the very least a tad less somber. It is not, in other words, for the grand church wedding with the full Mass.

Amsale seems to have pioneered the little white dress concept, or at least to have taken the idea to the next level by creating an entire collection of them in one place. Too bad all of the little white dresses are so much like other wedding dresses in that they have no sleeves, there are a lot of strapless necklines, and the bride would have to be quite slim to pull most of them off. Alas.

But even with all these strikes against them, I LOVE these little white dresses! They’re quite fun and fresh and a little cheeky in that they take the bride into the realm of the unexpected. That’s what I say — what say you?

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From the reader mailbag category comes this very simple question from a certain Jackie:

I found this wedding dress on your website through a Google search. Is there any way you could give me some more information on where I could purchase it or who it is by?

For whatever reason, I did not go immediately back to the original post containing the image, which clearly stated that the bias-cut silk wedding dress was created by Natalia Misslin Designs. I even linked the image to the designer’s web site! However, since I assumed I couldn’t have put the deets in the post itself if people were asking to know more about the dress, I embarked upon a fruitless GIS journey searching for bias-cut silk wedding dresses. Oops!

However, before referencing the original post, I did get to experience the joy of rediscovering Natalia Misslin, who creates beautiful, airy wedding gowns and accessories like these:

And hey, finding pretty things is what this job is all about!

I thought I’d get a gander at the Spring 2010 wedding gowns here and there since I’m notorious at not remembering to ever post about that sort of thing. Perhaps it’s just that I need to get into the habit? I figure it should be easy to remember since looking at (and sometimes laughing at) wedding gowns is so much fun, even for those of already married. Am I right, ladies?

Anyway, the usual things dominate Carolina Herrera’s Spring 2010 gowns — all across the runway board, in fact. The Spring 2010 wedding dresses are overwhelmingly strapless, for one. Where there are straps, they tend toward the skinnier side of things. As does the bride the designers probably had in mind. But there are also some pretty neat details, like polka dots, vintage detailing, and boldly patterned fabrics. Overall, it’s a lot of fun, even if some of the gowns are a tad weird.

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