In addition to their scowls and smirks, bridal models are usually sporting at least a mild case of scoliosis or lordosis. At best, they’re slightly hunched. At worst, they’ve contorted themselves into positions typically reserved for those touring with Cirque du Soleil. I don’t want brides-to-be to get the wrong idea about what constitutes good posture on one’s wedding day, so with the help of Amoretti Weddings I’ve put together a short presentation I’m calling “How Not to Stand On Your Wedding Day.”
Don’t slouch. It makes you appear sad or scared and even worse, those of you who aren’t 98% fat free will not be able to help looking thick around the middle. This model also appears to have to go to the bathroom rather badly… not a good look.
Darling, your pits smell fine so please remove your nose from them. Or at least go check your odor in the privacy of a bathroom stall. Or perhaps the model is a hunchback and the belt under her bosom is actually covering her entire midsection?
Contrary to popular belief, you can wave to your lover who is standing in the courtyard below without listing dangerously toward starboard. Why listen to little ol’ me? List too far and you risk defenestration.
I can’t even tell what’s going on here. The model seems to be rounding her shoulders forward, ensuring a none-too-subtle jutting of the clavicles. One would think that would give the appearance of a concave tummy, but the model also seems to be sticking her stomach out while simultaneously pushing out her tush. Then again, maybe she’s standing as straight as she can.
If someone has ripped off your arms and sewn them on backward on your wedding day of all days, you get a free pass to stand like this. Otherwise, please refrain from performing optical illusions with your body until you and your new spouse are alone in your hotel room.