Manolo for the Brides

Pnina Tornai is an Israeli designer with a flair for over-the-top bridal fashion. She eschews both convention and proofreaders — the best sentence on her site has to be “In the last to years Pnina has expended herself over seas.” Is there anything left? Let’s have a look!

I, too, would adopt a sullen expression if I were forced to walk a runway with a bouquet of dahlias affixed to my skull. A similar bunch of blooms appears to be sprouting from the model’s right shoulder.

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There are wedding favors, reception centerpieces, bridal jewelry sets, and wedding shoes for sale on Amazon, so I thought I’d poke around in their gown selection. Searching for ‘wedding gown’ net me plenty of results, but it appears that Amazon’s commitment to carrying everything under the sun does not yet extend to nuptial garb.

I know there are some perfectly serviceable gowns on Amazon, but looking at those is no fun. Plus, there are way more wacky wedding dresses for sale than there are the sort that most right-minded women would consider buying. Here’s a sample set for your amusement:

Home shredders are so convenient, right? Just be sure it’s nowhere nearby when you’re trying on your wedding gown, lest you end up with something that looks like this. But, hey, it’s no worse than this, right?

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It’s been said that the reason most people love to watch acrobatics soar through the air is that they’re hoping to see at least one tights-clad performer go splat. If that’s true, it would explain the glee I feel when looking at some of the dresses in Vera Wang’s spring 2009 collection.

Oh, some of the frocks are lovely — this one, for example, is beautiful but rather boring — but many are absolutely horrid. Most, however, would look right at home in an episode of classic Star Trek. I’m looking at this one, in particular.

Now this gown covers the midsection with a big ol’ scrunched up mess of fabric, and if there’s anything ladies like, it’s embellishments that emphasize (and add girth to) their midsections. Wait, I have that backward — that’s precisely what 99.9% of brides-to-be DON’T like. But maybe I’m being too hash… Is this dress in the process of spawning? Is that how new gowns come into the world? Ah, the miracle of life!

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The beautiful Francesca has been celebrating BBB — that would be “big beautiful brides” — over at Manolo for the Big Girl as of late, and I thought I’d hop on the bandwagon. Two posts, both inspired by reader questions, sparked the convo, and I thought I’d put in my two cents.

The first inquiry came from a bride-to-be who feels slighted by the salons she’s visited, but is afraid to buy her gown online because of the rigid no-return policies many online bridal shops have adopted.

She also wants to look like a princess while spending less than $500. I’d recommend this ivory chiffon gown from Torrid Bride. Mind you, the princess I’m picturing is the dignified Audrey Hepburn sort rather than the poufy Cinderella sort, which isn’t really what the reader had in mind. But it’s lovely, it looks comfortable, it costs a mere $220, there’s not a halter in sight, and as far as I can tell, it’s returnable as long as it’s sent back unworn before 45 days have passed.

Hey, there are all sorts of princesses out there! And I always tell my engaged galpals that they should try on all sorts of dresses because the most unexpected gown is sometimes the most beautiful one.

The second inquiry came from a bride-to-be planning a daytime courthouse wedding followed by a small reception. Unlike the first reader, she is “not given to froufrou” in her attire.

Is this frock froufrou? I have not a clue, but I do know that the defined waist and dipping neckline will emphasize what she wants emphasized while the full-ish skirt will hide what she would prefer remain hidden. I can imagine it paired with a large hat in black, pink, or white, and a small bouquet of loosely tied roses. The best part? It costs a mere $70!

PS — I was recently interviewed for an article about online wedding planning for Smartmoney.com and for an article all about iDo for the New York Daily News! Once the former hits the airwaves, I’ll link to it here, and I’ll do my best to scan the latter when it comes out.

What does £240,000 of wedding gown look like? A little something like this, apparently:

Some gals dedication a huge slice of the budget to their day-of frocks. This is a dress for brides-to-be for whom money is no object! It was designed by Mauro Adami, who — according to the Daily Mail – once made Keith Richards a platinum jacket.

Wait, wait, wait. Is that an impressive credential? No matter. The gown, which I personally do not find particularly attractive, was crafted from fabric spun from threads of silk and platinum. That may sound pricey, but it’s actually not actually the MOST expensive wedding gown in the WORLD. Take, for example, the diamond-encrusted $12 million gown created by jeweler Martin Katz and dressmaker Renee Strauss!

What is it with blah (or even bleah) wedding gowns that cost more than my house? Personally, I’d much rather have Jerry Hall’s white lace Anthony Price wedding dress:

The former model put a whole mess of her clothing up on the auction block to benefit Emmaus . Sure, this frock a little dated, but all-in-all still serviceable. The best part? It was only expected to fetch around £400. How’s that for reasonable!

I got all excited as I was preparing for this post because, hey, it’s finally Thursday and that means it’s time for LOVE/HATE and I have a picture of an uber gorgeous short dress that I’ve been sitting on for weeks now! At least I thought it was so gorgeous as to be beyond reproach.

Maybe I just wanted to love it so badly that my mind played seamstress?

You see, this dress has so much going for it: It hails from the gray matter of Ramona Keveza, who I utterly adore. It’s short, and I like when bride’s switch it up with something abbreviated. Plus, it’s sort of ruffly but not too ruffly, if you know what I mean.

And yet I just can’t shake this weird feeling that if the camera angle was just a tad different, we’d all come face to face with the model’s right nipple. I mean, where exactly do bosoms go in a dress like that? Once they get to wherever they’re supposed to go, are they in danger of falling out during bouts of serious boogying?

In conclusion, there’s a part of me that does love this dress, along with its more colorful cousin. There is, however, an even bigger part of me — a part that measures in at 36DD — that hates this dress and all dresses like it for being a forever unattainable ideal.

FYI: My book, iDo: Planning Your Wedding with Nothing But ‘Net (Paperback) is arriving on people’s doorsteps! This is neat both because it is happening slightly ahead of the June 10 schedule and because, duh, it’s my first book! I’m just a tad excited, and I do hope you’ll check it out…whether that means buying it or asking for it at your local library.

You know how sometimes your inbox gets so full that you’re tempted to just delete it all and start afresh? That happens to me all the time, but I just can’t do it because half of the stuff I’m sitting on came to my attention because you were nice enough to e-mail me about it. The other half is stuff I stumbled upon on my own and bookmarked while researching things like unusual guestbooks, wicked cool tuxes, and barbecuing brides.

This explains, in a nuptial nutshell, why I’ll occasionally sit down and compose a post made up mainly of links like those outlined below.

• Fairytale wedding? No thanks! Plenty of modern brides are marrying their Prince Charmings but staying true to their Cinderella roots, according to the Post and Courier. But don’t expect to stop hearing about the proverbial $30,000 just yet — the average cost of a wedding has only gone down by $28. That’s what, one less boutonnière?
• If we’re going to have a serious discussion about scaling back, how about we start with the dress? Usually I hit up Nordstrom when I want to spend a lot (not a little) on a dress, but now I know, thanks to Dream Wedding on a Budget, that brides can do it the other way around. Introducing the $98 wedding gown!
• “Makes The Perfect Wedding Present!” No, oh goodness, no. It most certainly does not.
• Thank goodness we have MSN to remind all the single ladies not to become raging witches when their friends tie the knot, am I right? (PLEASE NOTE THAT WAS SOME SERIOUS SARCASM!) The article’s author experienced a mix of jealousy, loneliness, anxiety, depression, confusion, and even terror when her best gal pal got engaged. She claims that the majority of XX-carrying humans feel the same, but I have my doubts. Care to weigh in?
• The Wedding Report says that California same-sex marriages could generate $1 billion the first year. I’m going to guess that the sound I’m hearing is the thunderous footsteps of a raging stampede of vendors desperately rushing to target an untapped demographic.
• And finally, a drawing that I believe originally appeared in Indexed by Jessica Hagy:
  

Emerald Bridal specializes in fairly run-of-the-mill wedding gowns*. My favorite thing about the company has to be the photographs they use to advertise their frocks…model brides do their best to appear natural in a mansion utterly devoid of furniture, they pout in front of bales of hay topped with shirtless cowboys, and they scowl at us from back alleys.

But this…this is hot. Maybe even too hot for a wedding, depending on the wedding. The New York Times asserts that tight, slinky, barely-there gowns are what brides in the know are wearing, but I just can’t wrap my head around the trend. I was taught that the really sexy stuff goes under the frock. Maybe it’s because everyone I know — including me — wore a fairly traditional wedding dress?

My verdict: I would love to wear this saucy sequined dress to a party, but while I’d certainly applaud any gal with the cajones to wear it as she tied the knot, I still think I’d hate it on a real-life bride. What do you think?

*With the exception of this and this.

I think it’s safe to say that most brides would like to have something unique about their wedding gowns. Whether it’s a matter of the cut, the trim, a touch of color, or the choice of accessories, most of us want to look bridal but not cookie cutter. Some women have gone to great lengths to avoid having the same-old, same-old dress that everyone else is wearing that season.

And then there’s Major Claude Hensinger and his wife Ruth.

Claude was flying his B-29 on a bombing raid over Yowata, Japan in August 1944 when the engine of the plane caught fire. He and his crew bailed out with their nylon parachutes. During the night while they waited rescue, Claude used his trusty parachute as a blanket and a pillow. After he and his men were rescued, he kept the parachute. When he proposed to Ruth in 1947, he handed her the parachute and suggested she make her wedding gown out of it. She did. Here are the results.

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