Manolo for the Brides

This is one of the most contentious questions in wedding planning, for some reason. I’m really not quite sure why it makes so many otherwise perfectly reasonable people froth at the mouth and arm themselves with the verbal equivalent of thermonuclear devices. It’s just a question and there honestly is no universally right or wrong answer to it. Even Miss Manners et al agree that it is perfectly proper to make either decision.

And yet one side claims that allowing children in the door is tantamount to turning your wedding into Romper Room, leading to social disgrace and a miserable married life while the other side claims that anyone who wants a kid-free celebration hates all children and therefore has no business getting married.

Both sides have blown the thing entirely out of proportion. That’s right, I said it and I stand by it. I’ve been to a metric buttload of weddings in my day, and you know what didn’t determine whether or not it was a nice wedding? Whether or not children were invited. On this question, I am Switzerland… and a Switzerland that feels way too many other countries are being entirely too overwrought to make much sense.

The fact is, there are plenty of reasons to make either choice that do not include failing to take your wedding seriously or hating children. Even if you do have a preference for the less adult things in life or really do think children should be put into stasis from birth to age 21, it’s really your decision. You get to make it, and it’s okay.

But what if you’re not sure which way to go on this one? How do you decide? Take a look after the cut and see.
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You might have caught me gaping like a goldfish at my radio earlier this week after listening to a program that invited listeners to call in and spout off about including registry information in wedding invitations. At the start of the segment, I was curious to hear people’s opinions but I was pretty sure that a majority of callers would speak out against registry cards or printing wedding registry information right on the invites.

Boy, was I wrong. With the exception of one or two callers, most were solidly pro registry cards! If you’ll allow me to paraphrase a few callers, I heard sentiments like “Having the registry details right there on the wedding invitation lets me buy the couple something they actually want.” and “I don’t want to have to track down the registry by calling relatives of the bride; I just want to know what she wants so I can get it.” Reeeaaally? It’s never been too much trouble for me to ring up or email the bride or the groom or someone who’d be in the know to find out where the couple is registered, but maybe that’s just me.

That’s not the only wedding etiquette rule I see losing its influence, however. Once upon a time, it was déclassé for the mother of the bride or sister of the bride or anyone else in the bride’s immediate family to host the bridal shower, but nowadays no one seems to care. I can understand the relaxation of this rule, since it’s now uncommon for the MOH or bridesmaids to live nowhere near the bride or her family. And if your bridesmaids are your sisters, what then? Other wedding etiquette rules that apparently no longer hold much sway (if the message boards I read are any indication) include asking specifically for cash in lieu of gifts, wearing white for second weddings as a no-no… and those are just the rules for the bride and groom.

I think part of the reason behind the relaxation of some wedding etiquette rules is that no one is taught them anymore. Another part might be the rejection of following rules for the rules’ sake, and it may even be that people just don’t care that much about good manners anymore. I’ll admit that I’m glad to see some rules go, like all of the ridiculous non-rules about wearing white and the rule that says that the MOB can’t host the shower even though she’s perfectly placed to host it. But asking for cash? And including registry information in an invitation? That just lets me know that you’re more concerned with getting a gift than you are with the answer on my RSVP card. Or am I simply being too old fashioned?

You all know that we here at Manolo for the Brides are big on the following things: individuality, DIY, and helping hands from the people you love. I know my wedding would never have come together the way it did – let alone at the bargain basement budget I had to work with! – without these three things.

Friends and family members came forward to help with food, decorations, the gown, transportation, and more. Nearly every bride I’ve ever known has had similar offers of help from various and sundry people in their life (often including me!).

Sometimes, though, someone offers to help out in a way that isn’t really going to help you out. It may be that someone wants to give you something you really don’t want to have, or it may be that they’re offering to do something they really aren’t capable of handling. Whichever case you’re dealing with, there are a few simple tips that can help you avoid unwanted ‘help’ without ruining relationships.
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As most of our loyal readers know, I tend to subject myself to unholy amounts of bridal reality television to parse out the messages being sent and hopefully help brides to be and those who love them to defuse the ticking time bombs with which they are so generously filled.

For the most part, I find the messages in these shows either bewildering (at best) or toxic (at worst). I don’t expect to find anything resembling wisdom, and most of the time I am remarkably lucky that isn’t what I’m looking for because, honey, it just ain’t there.

Then yesterday I was watching an episode of Whose Wedding Is It, Anyway?, that ode to heroic wedding planners, without whom no woman could ever hope to have a halfway decent wedding, even when the planner is flat-out incompetent. I expect wisdom to fall from the lips of participants of this show about as often as I would expect it from anyone on Bridezillas.
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After reading Twistie’s spot-on post about tweeting at weddings, I was reminded of something I’d come across a few weeks prior. Hint: It wasn’t the Twitter proposal from almost a year ago.

A certain Stella recently attended a wedding ceremony and reception where a live Twitter feed was displayed throughout on a great big screen hanging over the proceedings. It was technically a virtual guestbook, but I’m going to guess it was rather more distracting than the traditional guestbook that spends the wedding sequestered on a table in a corner somewhere.

My guess is that the temptation to get one’s tweets on the board could lead to preoccupied wedding guests and perhaps even inappropriate tweets from the peanut gallery. Plus, I don’t know that I could help staring up at it, especially if the tweets were coming in quickly. Or were naughty. Have a look at the second picture in the original post then come back and tell us if you could possibly ignore it!

Sometimes I just don’t know what the world is coming to.

In hunting for just the right subject for today’s article, I came across this article published in late August in the Huffington Post on the do’s and don’ts of tweeting your wedding.

That’s right, I said tweeting your wedding.

Seriously, does anyone actually think this is a good idea?

Apparently some do. Here’s what two brides-to-be had to say on the subject:

“There are so many details that happen during weddings that it is impossible to remember it all. By opening an online discussion, you’re sharing your big day with everyone and they help you collect and immortalize all of the moments from multiple angles. When you think of it, it’s very intimate.”

I’ve got a better suggestion for both remembering your wedding and getting a feeling of intimacy: spend your time interacting with your guests instead of interacting with the virtual world.

And:

“It’s okay to be bold about who you are and what you do. This is an opt-in world, so you don’t need to worry too much about people being disinterested.”

How nice. You don’t have to worry about boring people with your wedding. That’s lovely. But what about what this says to the people you invited? And what about the people who aren’t bored by your wedding details because they’re too busy resenting the fact that you’re rubbing their noses in the fact that you didn’t invite them to be there?

Trust me, tweeting at the altar or in the middle of your reception dinner is every bit as rude as calling someone on your cell phone under the same circumstances.

I think this lady summed up my feelings perfectly:

“Tweeting won’t be allowed at my wedding. I frown upon people telling others (who weren’t invited and perhaps are resentful) how much fun they are having! I think it’s snobby — ‘I’m here and you weren’t invited!’ How rude. Plus — live in the moment, don’t try to be elsewhere.”

Spend your wedding at your wedding with your new spouse and the people you invited. You can always send out a brief tweet before you retire for the night, if you really must.

The lovely Rebekah wrote to ask this somewhat complicated question about wedding stationery:

My fiancé and I are eloping later this month. He wanted to get married sooner rather than later, but we’d still like to have a big wedding sometime next year. (Have your cake and eat it too, anyone?) I was thinking that perhaps we could send out wedding announcements combined with a “save-the-date” announcement for a vow renewal and reception. So, how would one word a “We got married and you weren’t there, but you can be at the next one” card without sounding tacky?

First, I’ll tell you what not to do, which is go with the flippant phrasing you used in your question. Not that I think you would, mind, but there are people reading who might just think it’s a good idea because it sounds just a little cheeky. Usually, engagement announcements and save-the-date cards are the place to get a little silly or sarcastic, and wedding invitations are the place to convey the main deets in an elegant and dignified way. Usually.

But your stationery will probably be a little different. First, it won’t exactly be a marriage announcement (since it’s also a save-the-date for your reception) or a wedding save-the-date (since you already said your vows). Second, while you want to convey the information in most save-the-date cards, you may want to make it more solemn or serious than not since elopements can cause hurt feelings among those people who reeeaaallly wanted you to have a “proper” wedding. And third, there’s the vow renewal complicating matters. Some couples will have a reception to celebrate an earlier wedding ceremony, but you’ll be throwing a second ceremony in there, too. (As an aside, this stymied The Beard, who wondered why you wouldn’t either keep the elopement a secret and just get married or just have the reception without the vow renewal.)

So to recap, you need wording for a marriage announcement combined with a not-quite save-the-date for a vow renewal with a reception to follow. For those who don’t know, a marriage announcement or wedding announcement announces that a couple is now married and includes details like the bride and groom’s names and the date of the marriage. Maybe a photo of the wedding, too. They are most often sent out when a couple has had a very small wedding or eloped, but they’re typically not serving as save-the-dates.

My advice is to make sure that word gets around that you’re married and that you eloped so you’re not fielding confused phone calls from relatives asking why they weren’t invited to your wedding or “What do you mean, vow renewal?” or “You did what?!” It seems to me just a tad iffy to spring your being married already on people on your save-the-dates. Better that as many people as possible already know if you’re truly sold on the idea of combining marriage announcements with save-the-dates. Once the grapevine has been primed, go with simple, straightforward wording on whatever cardstock floats your boat. Something like:

This is where I’ll freely admit I had trouble coming up with wording that wouldn’t lead to shocked phone calls or hurt feelings or clucking tongues, but frankly you run the risk of fielding all those things (and more) when you plan a plain old regular wedding. If you want to elope first, do it. The Beard and I contemplated doing the very same thing, so I don’t know where his objections are coming from. Now I’ll open the floor — since this is a toughie, I welcome our awesome readers to give their word suggestions. Let’s help a sister out!

These days, Fido and Fluffy are truly part of the family, if things like pet strollers and ice cream for cats is any indication. Heck, if I could get back all the money I’ve spent on my cats over the years, I could probably buy myself a few pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage, but I’d rather have the cats.

And yet, I didn’t invite them to my wedding. I didn’t even consider it. Putting aside for the moment the fact that the cats would not have enjoyed traveling or being on leashes in front of 100 people, there were also the guests to think of. Some people are allergic to cats. Some people might even be afraid of cats. After all, I don’t take my cats to restaurants or the library. In my opinion, cats and fancy functions don’t mix. Dogs in weddings? Also not my cup of tea, even if they can be pretty cute in a coordinating collar.

I’m all for doing almost anything you want at your wedding, whether that means serving a vegan reception meal, wearing a mini dress, or choosing The Call of Cthulhu as your wedding theme. But animals? Really? Besides the potential for causing allergic reactions or fear responses in guests, animals have no shame when it comes to depositing their excrement. They can have an odor, though admittedly not all do. And many, many animals do not appreciate crowds, loud music, or having to sit still for the duration of a wedding ceremony.

Wouldn’t it be kinder to all involved to wait until after you’re married to celebrate with Fido or Fluffy in a manner they might enjoy? Or am I being overly proper here? You tell me.