A great piece in a recently issue of the Indianapolis Star asks, Does love’s sparkle require a diamond? It includes a number of heartbreaking interviews with engaged couples who were simply not taken seriously because their engagement did not begin with the man presenting the woman with a huge chunk of ice. The article got me thinking. DeBeers would have us believe that one’s commitment should equal the cost of two months salary. The first thing anyone asks a future bride is, “Can I see the ring?”

When Jordan Corbin and David Wentworth got engaged, he proposed to her with a mother-of-pearl ring that cost about $20. Corbin loved that it was an atypical engagement ring and named it her “magic ring.”

Buying a diamond engagement ring “is what a guy does when he has no imagination and is afraid you’re not going to love him,” she said.

Her family did not agree. When the couple flew to Corbin’s home in Texas, one of the first things her stepfather said was, “Let’s see the ring.” He took her hand and with a disapproving groan, threw it back down and walked away.

But what of students? People with lower incomes? Not to mention people who think that the diamond trade is exploitative and artificially jacks up prices.

I’d like to think that in this modern era, we’re all open minded enough to believe an onyx in a simple silver setting can mean commitment or even that a young couple just starting out might really rather put that those thousands of dollars into an IRA that will support them in their old age. But I guess we’re not.

It’s fun to talk about good weddings and good cakes and what qualities make for a good groom and ceremonies that go off without a hitch. But it’s even more fun to talk about weddings gone bad. Where the groom runs off with the bridesmaids or the happy couple does a tacky dollar dance or the new bride is caught in a compromising situation with the bandleader.

That’s why I love Etiquette Hell. At Etiquette Hell, soon-to-be brides or grooms, and hopeful wanna be brides like myself can peruse wedding ceremony and reception horror stories. It’s a funny and sometimes heartbreaking bunch of tales that remind us what not to do.

Currently, I’m particularly stunned by the stories of brides and grooms who wrongfully assume that the gifts they receive must cost as much as or more than the price of a plate at the reception dinner. One poor duo of guests received this simply awful note in the mail in lieu of a thank you card:

“We received your gift in the mail the other day and I must say that we were quite surprised by it. There are a couple of thoughts that come to mind about the gift, and about the events leading up to our wedding.

First of all, we don’t understand why our gift to you for your wedding was not reciprocated in monetary form, considering we gave you both a generous check.

Second of all, we understand that circumstances arise whereby a person cannot attend the wedding, and we are sorry that you were sick, however, we never received a phone call, which would have been an appropriate gesture, even though it would have been too late. The plate was already paid for, and each plate was a considerable amount of money. (I don’t have to tell you that- you know how much weddings cost).

Getting to the point- the value of the gift did not cover 2 plates, let alone 1. We seriously have our doubts about whether or not a gift was even purchased which was from the heart, which would have meant more to us, or whether it was bought out of guilt, due to the fact that it got back to (your husband) that we never got anything from you. A great deal of respect was lost when a gift was received that did not amount to the cost of one plate, nor was not the amount given to you at your wedding. You know as well as we do that we did not do that to you, nor would we. If money is tight, than the response on the invitation should have been a “no”.

I’m a simple broad with classical tastes, so when it comes to engagement rings – not that I’ve ever had the chance to try any on – I like a single diamond in a simple six-pronged setting.

Sure, The Beard knows my preference, but the rest is up to him and I’ll cherish whatever ring he may choose. Such an archaic willingness to be surprised is not for everyone, however.

A future bride and groom I can easily conceive of, whom I will call the RibbonFingers, were engaged for months before said future groom ever put a ring on said future bride’s finger. The progression of their engagement went something like this:

1. The proposal

2. The announcement and the tying of a symbolic red ribbon around the future bride’s ring finger

3. The 30 days of shopping required in order for the future bride to pick out an engagement ring she really, really liked

4. The returning of the first ring so the future bride could choose a ring she really, really, really liked

This is not as uncommon as you might think. Color me old fashioned, but the idea of a nervous young man studying up on jewelry before timidly purchasing a bauble just appeals to me. The engagement ring is a gift and I’ve always believed that the nature of gifts should be left up to the giver.

I do understand that in these modern times perhaps every woman has the right to choose her engagement ring but according to Everything to Do About Weddings, the RibbonFingers still made one mistake.

Today’s brides and grooms often choose rings together; after the proposal (from either party) has been accepted privately. When the engagement ring is on the finger, then the announcement is made public.

Now if only The Beard would hurry up a little.

I was happy to receive an absolutely gorgeous thank you note in the mail yesterday from an old friend of mine who also happens to be a future bride. The note included a few very specific words about how often the future bride and groom plan to use my gift – some sort of waffle thing – in the future and how they were sorry I couldn’t make the engagement party. There were also a few personal words from my friend to me.

The traditional thank you note, it seems, is almost a lost art. But the nearly extinct hand-written, personal wedding thank you note serves two distinct purposes. In writing it, the couple acknowledges their receipt of the gift. In receiving it, the giver feels they have not wasted their $49.95 and also has confirmation that said waffle…thing did not get lost in the post.

Mannersmith Monthly tells us that when writing such a note, sincerity is key.

If someone has gone to enough effort to give you a gift, you should properly thank him or her with a personal note…Unless your handwriting is horrific, I recommend handwritten notes for both personal and business thank you notes. There are many advantages to handwritten notes…The old adage is that if someone took the time to give you a gift, you should take the time to write the person a note.

So true. And now, in case you found this lecture on etiquette tedious, here is a photo of a wedding gown that apparently doubles as an accordion:

A friend of mine from long ago recently announced her engagement by way of an invitation to a party celebrating her future nuptials. I like such announcements because they give me a chance to razzle The Beard. I also love parties. In perusing the invitation, however, my joy was sullied by my finding a registry card.

Even though the couple in question has been living together for ages and both are professional adults, their registry would make one think they were each single, living in dorm-like hovels, and entirely destitute. Every conceivable kitchen implement and piece of functional crystal you could imaging was on their ten mile long list of desires.

Don’t misunderstand me. I love the concept of registries. They make it easy for me to buy a gift that I know the future bride and groom will enjoy. But I absolutely hate the registry card, which sits smugly in wedding invitations and announcements ready to remind me that the couple would prefer something from Macy’s and only Macy’s. I hate it almost as much as future brides and grooms who request cash instead of gifts right on their wedding invitations rather than by word of mouth. Seriously tacky.

A quick search on wedding registry etiquette confirmed my theory that registries are a top notch idea, but placing registry cards in invitations and announcements is just plain uncool. It is the responsibility of each guest to inquire as to whether the couple has a registry or to simply pick up something nice.

Canadian Bride went a step further:

The giver of a gift for any occasion should always give what they want to give, and the receiver should always be gracious when they receive it.
Couples who request cash are not only committing a faux pas, but they are missing the joy of receiving treasured gifts, which is a major part of the wedding experience.

Amen.

In honor of the now entirely official divorce of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and the entirely official marriage of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, I’d like to point you toward some advice that will help you avoid looking like the wrong kind of celebrity on your wedding day. You the ones I mean…the ones who set up more matrimonial pomp than the British monarchy. The ones that get married after knowing one another for four days or less. And the ones who stage elaborate weddings for their same-sex dogs.

Jenny Colgan has written up a list of 10 celebrity no-no’s at iVillage, including:

5. Don’t have a golden, Egyptian theme and get carried in on a table by gilded slaves, especially if you’re the size of Celine Dion’s husband, Rene.
6. Don’t ask a bunch of people you’ve just met to be your bridesmaids, dress them all in black, then spend the entire ceremony giving your new plastic-faced husband graphic tongue sandwiches, Liza.

If I were to write such a list, I would have to add that one should not get married to one’s waiter or waitress after a short period of engagement. Nor should one get married at 2:30 a.m. in an all-night wedding chapel in Vegas while falling down drunk. If you must tie the knot in the grand celebrity style, don’t have your prize purebred act as ring bearer if he’s a biter and don’t fail to invite your friends in favor of saturating your ceremony with picturesque A-listers. Don’t use your wedding as a soapbox to express your hardcore political views and for goodness sake don’t get married wearing a t-shirt covered in your beloved’s blood.

Finally, try not to get divorced an hour later. That’s just plain scary.

Manolo says, yes the Britney, she got her man, and the baby it is on the way, but take the advice of the Manolo, don’t be the Britney.