If they didn't want you there, one hopes they wouldn't have invited you.

Though we mainly address our wisdoms to brides-to-be, we don’t like to neglect the needs of wedding guests and prospective wedding guests. How to respond to a wedding invitation can be just as tricky as writing one, and that goes double when someone who’s been invited to a wedding is unsure whether she or he should happily accept or decline with regrets. Here’s a question we received a few years back – I felt like this post needed to see the light of day again in case other invited wedding guests out there were on the fence as to whether yes or no is the right response. That said, here’s the question posed by a prospective guest:

I was recently sent a “save the date” card by a friend who is, well, no longer really a friend. Not that we had a falling out, but we don’t really travel in the same social circles anymore. However, I was in the couple’s life when they became a couple, and I’m so happy for the two of them. I’m not sure what to do. I wonder if she invited me because she felt she should because I knew about the wedding? I wonder if I’ll just feel terribly socially awkward the whole time? I wonder if people will think I accepted just to get a free meal, rather than to celebrate the union of these two people? Would the bride be happier if I accepted or if I declined?

To anyone,anywhere contemplating an invitation to an event they’d rather not attend, I say this: Not replying at all is a dis of the highest order. While it might seem that dragging one’s feet until it’s far to late to reply is the easiest option, there are some things polite people simply do not do. That’s not to say I was suggesting that either party who wrote to me would do such a thing. Far from it! It’s simply a gem of truth that bears repeating now and again.

If you feel uncomfortable accepting an invitation to a bridal tea, bridal shower, or wedding, then by all means decline. There is nothing discourteous or ungracious about saying, “No.” When it comes to the invites to the main event, it’s usually as easy as pie…at least I’ve never seen a response card that reads “______ declines with regrets, now tell us why in 500 words or less _________.” If you’re asked to RSVP via phone or the individual doing the inviting just has to know why you can’t attend, things get stickier.

(more…)

It’s been a while since we’ve talked about that white elephant in the room, wedding gifts.

I know the thought causes an amazing range of emotions from absolute joy to abject terror to… well… whatever it happens to stir up in you. Some people think gifts are the best part of getting married, while others would rather discuss having public rectal surgery than consider the possibility of more stuff in their lives.

Honestly, I don’t care which camp you’re in or whether you’re somewhere in between. This is not my concern. After all, I did my thing. It’s done. This isn’t about how you should feel about wedding gifts or whether it’s okay to want or not want them. This is about the practical aspects of handling this particular part of getting married. If you want pressies, that’s great. If you don’t want them, that’s great, too. But the fact is you will have to deal with the question, and with people who make choices that don’t necessarily match your wishes.

Here’s the deal.
(more…)

I’m sure everyone here wishes the greatest possible joy to tennis star Maria Sharapova and her fiance, basketball player Sasha Vujicic. I know I do. I wish that to all couples in love.

And I certainly hope that she loves the purportedly eight-carat diamond ring she’s been sporting in honor of the engagement.

Now, with that out of the way, I clearly need to send a copy of Miss Manners to writer Chris Chase for penning this ‘whimsical’ piece on how Mr. Vujacic has cheaped out on the ring by not spending Chase’s estimate of Vujacic’s two-month salary. Chase estimates that two months worth of Vujacic’s salary comes out to $912,000.00, making the mere $250,000.00 he’s reported to have spent a pittance.*

Sigh.

We’ve been over and over and over this point here at Manolo for the Brides. Two months’ salary for an engagement ring is not etiquette. It was an advertising slogan for DeBeers. You know, the people who sell diamonds. Etiquette considers it painfully rude to even enquire as to the price of someone’s jewelry, let alone a piece so imbued with symbolism. Etiquette would also be appalled at estimating someone’s salary, even when it’s a matter of public record, for the purpose of shaming them into spending more of it. Seriously, these are things over which etiquette has a painful attack of the vapors.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: when choosing an engagement ring, the gentleman should consider the taste of his lady and the state of his bank account (and credit rating). The lady, given the choice, should be thoughtful of his wallet. Everyone else in the universe should just butt out. Er… with the possible exception of the jeweler who is sort of required if the ring is being bought new or adapted from a not-so-new source.

Besides, if Mr. Twistie had followed the two months salary ‘rule’ I would never have gotten the engagement ring I wanted. It didn’t cost nearly that much.

*(I know the article is meant to be humorous, but it’s still based on a crass assumption that needs to be deflated at every possible opportunity. Way too many people think that ‘rule’ is a real one, so I continue to tilt at this particular windmill.)

If there’s one wedding reality show I find myself really enjoying of late, it’s Four Weddings on TLC. For those unfamiliar, four brides getting married in the same area around the same time attend one anothers’ weddings and score them on the gown, the venue, the food, and the overall experience. The bride whose wedding gets the highest aggregate score wins a fabulous honeymoon to a surprise location, and the other three, well, they get to be on TV and attend three weddings without having to come up with a gift and being utterly free to snark or gush about whatever they please for the nation at large.

The two episodes I watched last night were particularly interesting to me, in that they included some really brilliant and some really, really questionable ideas. Take a look after the cut to see what I’m talking about.
(more…)

A lot of strange rumors float around the wedding world. You’ll hear all sorts of bizarre tales about what is expected of you and of your guests. Some of the most bizarre and most pernicious misinformation surrounds what should be one of the easiest and most pleasant parts of getting married: all those gifts.

So what’s the real skinny? I thought you’d never ask. Read on and find out.
(more…)

A couple days ago, my good friend and compatriot (not to mention partner in crime) Fabrisse sent me a link to an article on Slate. In it, the author, one Daniel Engber, complained about couples failing to allow him a ‘+1′ on invitations to their weddings.

He was horrified when a couple he knew sent him a singleton invitation and refused to allow him to RSVP for two because he had a girlfriend. Now I don’t know how serious the relationship might have been. I don’t know what their living arrangements were. These things do matter in the question. I do know, however, that even if an etiquette mistake had been committed in the invitation, Mr. Engber definitely committed an etiquette goof when he attempted to RSVP for more people than were included on the invitation.

Remember: if your name is the only one on the invitation and there is no ‘+1′ added, you are the only one for whom you can reply.

To apparently add insult to injury, when Mr. Engber’s brother was getting married, the happy couple again failed to ask Mr. Engber to invite a guest along to the occasion.

Now this time he does not mention a steady girlfriend, so I can only guess that somewhere along the line they broke up… or else he thought he might want to bring someone else.
(more…)

This is one of the most contentious questions in wedding planning, for some reason. I’m really not quite sure why it makes so many otherwise perfectly reasonable people froth at the mouth and arm themselves with the verbal equivalent of thermonuclear devices. It’s just a question and there honestly is no universally right or wrong answer to it. Even Miss Manners et al agree that it is perfectly proper to make either decision.

And yet one side claims that allowing children in the door is tantamount to turning your wedding into Romper Room, leading to social disgrace and a miserable married life while the other side claims that anyone who wants a kid-free celebration hates all children and therefore has no business getting married.

Both sides have blown the thing entirely out of proportion. That’s right, I said it and I stand by it. I’ve been to a metric buttload of weddings in my day, and you know what didn’t determine whether or not it was a nice wedding? Whether or not children were invited. On this question, I am Switzerland… and a Switzerland that feels way too many other countries are being entirely too overwrought to make much sense.

The fact is, there are plenty of reasons to make either choice that do not include failing to take your wedding seriously or hating children. Even if you do have a preference for the less adult things in life or really do think children should be put into stasis from birth to age 21, it’s really your decision. You get to make it, and it’s okay.

But what if you’re not sure which way to go on this one? How do you decide? Take a look after the cut and see.
(more…)