Manolo for the Brides

Writer and filmmaker Elise Mac Adam certainly knows her stuff, if her essays on Indiebride are any indication. Those quirky columns were my introduction to her sharp, spot-on way of schooling brides-to-be — and everyone else — in the fine art of etiquette. I remember looking through the site’s archives (Dear Indiebride, Update your site more often, Kthnxbye) and being tickled by these words:

“Bridezilla” is a special kind of insult — too cute to mean anything serious, yet devastatingly demeaning. To call a woman “Bridezilla,” even if her prima donna antics put Diana Ross to shame, categorizes her bad behavior as a comic “syndrome.”

So when I was offered an opportunity to check out Mac Adam’s new book, Something New: Wedding Etiquette for Rule Breakers, Traditionalists, and Everyone in Between, I naturally said, “Heck yeah! Send it over!” Then, of course, life intervened and I had no time at all to read, which is why the book has been sitting on my coffee table for the last month.

(more…)

Few and far between are the lucky individuals who haven’t found themselves simultaneously single and invited to a wedding. If you’re invited as a onesome, the pressure’s off, and you can start worrying about what to wear and how you won’t know anyone at the reception and whether the buffet will include anything you, a vegan with a gluten allergy, can safely eat. It’s when your invitation comes addressed to “you plus one” that the fun begins.

Anon wrote in to ask about this very topic.

I (a straight female) received an invitation this week from a college friend, inviting me-plus-guest to her wedding. My immediate reaction, since I’m not dating anyone and don’t really want to scrape someone up to go to a wedding in another state, was to RSVP for myself alone. Then I remembered that my sister also knew the bride in college, as well as a lot of the other guests I’d assume are being invited. Would it be a no-no to bring my sister as my guest? Will it throw off the girl-boy ratio and ruin the wedding if I bring an extra female, rather than the expected extra male or coming alone? Is it weird to invite someone that the bride was friends with, but who she didn’t invite to the wedding herself? If I don’t have a date-date, should I just save the bride and groom the cost of another plate and go by myself? Am I just overthinking this and making a bigger deal of it than I should?

In the realm of traditional etiquette, it’s a well-established fact that one should never address an invitation to “and guest” or “plus one.” The bride and groom should invite those people they are close to, paying attention to social units and finding out the names of everyone’s significant others. It’s not gauche to invite solo guests — far from it, in fact! A friendly, outgoing single can have a marvelous time at a wedding.

(more…)

In the past few weeks I have received not one, but two e-mails from curious readers with questions about invitation etiquette. Their questions were not, as you might imagine, about the sending of invitations or the wording of invitations, but rather about declining invitations. I was frankly amazed at how similar the two queries were, so I’m only going to feature one of them here.

I was recently sent a “save the date” card by a friend who is, well, no longer really a friend. Not that we had a falling out, but we don’t really travel in the same social circles anymore. However, I was in the couple’s life when they became a couple, and I’m so happy for the two of them. I’m not sure what to do. I wonder if she invited me because she felt she should because I knew about the wedding? I wonder if I’ll just feel terribly socially awkward the whole time? I wonder if people will think I accepted just to get a free meal, rather than to celebrate the union of these two people? Would the bride be happier if I accepted or if I declined?

To anyone,anywhere contemplating an invitation to an event they’d rather not attend, I say this: Not replying at all is a dis of the highest order. While it might seem that dragging one’s feet until it’s far to late to reply is the easiest option, there are some things polite people simply do not do. That’s not to say I was suggesting that either party who wrote to me would do such a thing. Far from it! It’s simply a gem of truth that bears repeating now and again.

If you feel uncomfortable accepting an invitation to a bridal tea, bridal shower, or wedding, then by all means decline. There is nothing discourteous or ungracious about saying, “No.” When it comes to the invites to the main event, it’s usually as easy as pie…at least I’ve never seen a response card that reads “______ declines with regrets, now tell us why in 500 words or less _________.” If you’re asked to RSVP via phone or the individual doing the inviting just has to know why you can’t attend, things get stickier.

(more…)

Loyal reader Melissa B. writes:

I’ve recently come across a wedding etiquette issue that I didn’t even know was an issue, and I’d be curious to know your opinion(s) if you have an empty column slot.

Do you think it’s OK to extend a wedding invitation to someone and not invite their SO? Some call this the “no ring, no bring” policy — engaged and married couples (and committed same-sex couples) are automatically invited together, but everyone else is invited solo.

On a bridal message board I’ve been frequenting recently, I’ve read several posts from people who insist that inviting a friend without also inviting his/her significant other –- even if the bride and groom have never met the SO –- is incredibly rude. Others say you should allow all singles to bring a guest of their choice, be it a serious boyfriend, a new girlfriend, a platonic roommate, or someone they met at the hotel bar last night. One poster said she’d rather not be invited at all than be invited solo since that was clearly a “second-class” invitation. But other brides say that they’ve used “no ring, no bring” to shorten their guest list and think it’s a perfectly acceptable policy.

I had no idea this was so controversial! Although my boyfriend and I have been together two years and have lived together for the past six months, I’ve been invited to two weddings in the past year where the invitation was addressed just to “Melissa B.,” not to “Melissa B. & Boyfriend” or “Melissa B. & Guest.” I went to both weddings, shared a hotel room with my college girlfriends, and had a great time.

It honestly never occurred to me to be mad that my boyfriend hadn’t been invited too — he’d never met either couple, and he probably wouldn’t have gone if he had been invited (airfare is expensive and we’re both on pretty tight budgets). But now I’m realizing that there are a lot of folks who think that inviting someone alone, especially if they have a known SO, is incredibly offensive.

What’s your take? Should the boyfriends/girlfriends of guests automatically be invited, whether or not the bridal couple knows them? Should all single guests be allowed to bring a date of their choice? Or is “no ring, no bring” an OK rule of thumb if you need to keep your guest list in line?

Twistie: What we have here is a failure across several different groups to understand the concept of the Social Unit. Basically, any couple that is married, engaged, or cohabiting (gay or not) is a Social Unit. That means that, yes, your live-in boyfriend should have been invited to the weddings. How long you have lived together and whether or not the happy couple had met him make no difference.

Never teh Bride: Hell, I have friends who’ve been with their SOs forever and are staunchly opposed to the notion of cohabitation (not the mention matrimony, oddly) and I still sent all parties involved invitations. It just seemed like the nice thing to do…besides, I don’t know anyone who likes to sit alone at a wedding! But I’m also lucky in that I happen to know my friends’ SOs and their names.

(more…)

It seems of late that more and more bridal couples plan to memorialize deceased relatives and friends at their weddings. In fact, some are spending so much time memorializing the dead that it’s hard to keep track of the fact that a wedding is not the same thing as a funeral. More and more companies that provide goods and services to brides are selling memorial items specifically designed for weddings.

But what is really appropriate? Where is the line between honoring those we loved who cannot be with us and turning a wedding into a mass memorial service? Well, I have a few tips that may help you find the balance you’re looking for.

(more…)

An individual going by the mysterious moniker of Again recently shared some nuptial gift-giving wisdoms over at Teeny Manolo.

If they registered only at Macy’s and Bloomingdale’s, well, sometimes I feel a bit touchy about that. Unless you (or their friends generally) are of more liberal means, this always strikes me as rather graceless (but what do I know?). If you can’t afford anything on the registry that is not a single fork or the like, buy them something they would have registered for if only they’d thought of it (a pretty vase, a picture frame in the style of those they did register for, a kitchen gadget which you have discovered and swear by).

Either their other acquaintance are all affluent and will buy the registry out, or nobody can afford it and they will be justly repaid for being inconsiderate to their guests. You are not required to sacrifice your groceries for the month for someone else’s occasion and it is NOT good breeding to imply the contrary. If you are invited to a wedding that will OBVIOUSLY be so expensive as to demand a present you could not afford, I personally think it would be better to find a polite reason to decline.

As tempting as it is to scale up without limits when creating your registry, do give a thought to both those people who may not be particularly well off and those people who are attending your wedding as guests of your guests or even guests invited by your parents.

Your tastes may be grand, and you may see the occasion of your marriage as the perfect opportunity to introduce a little more silver, crystal, and china into your kitchen. Nonetheless, courtesy demands that you append all that high-class swag with a few inexpensive wine stems or a pretty porcelain sugar bowl.

What it comes down to is that you’re vastly more likely to get gifts you want and like when you stock your registry with things from the high end of the spectrum, the low end of the spectrum, and everything in between. Some people–perhaps those who’ve hit a rough patch or those you don’t know terribly well–will spring for the sugar bowl. Others (usually moms and dads and grandparents) will present you with the professional grade deli meat slicer you’ve been salivating over.

Finally, for the love of all things matrimonial, please do not whine and carry on when certain guests give you gifts not on your registry. My stance may be a somewhat unpopular one, but the fact of the matter is that guests are under no obligation whatsoever to look at your wedding registry much less buy something off of it. People managed just fine before the Marshall Fields department store invented registries in 1924, and one would hope that those who know you well presumably have some notion of your taste in housewares.

I’m sorry, but brides-to-be just can’t win. If you plan a wedding that’s as traditional as all get out, there will be people who criticize you for embracing the status quo. If you plan a wedding so unique that there is no existing template for it, you’ll be accused of betraying your cultural heritage. The list of “wrongs” goes on and on and on. Change your name, and you’re a tool of the patriarchy. Keep you’re name, and you’re a feminazi.

Here’s a list of some of the controversy that commonly crops up during the engagement period:

No tykes!
I go back and forth on this one. On one hand, weddings tend to be a celebration centered around family, and kids are by their very natures an important part of the family unit. On the other hand, you probably wouldn’t invite a gaggle of little ladies and gentlemen to a stylish sit-down dinner that won’t even get going until 9 p.m. My personal rule of thumb? It’s silly to exclude kids from daytime affairs–even those that are quite formal–but I don’t look down upon those who choose to exclude the younger set from long ceremonies and late dinners.

The bride wore pants/black/a Halloween costume/jeans/nothing at all.
It’s nearly impossible to spend any amount of time on bridal message boards without coming across those concerned brides-to-be who want a little validation. They’ve decided to buck the white dress tradition by wearing something wholly un-weddingish, and they’re getting flack from mothers, sisters, friends, and aunties. I always want to take these gals by the shoulders, shake them gently, and say, “Honey, wear whatever you damn well please.”

“That’ll be $4.50, please.”
I’m not a fan of the cash bar concept–after all, you wouldn’t invite your friends to a party and then charge them for drinks. Or would you? I do recognize that in some parts of the country cash bars are the rule rather than the exception, and in those parts of the country people come prepared with cash in hand. I myself could not afford a full open bar, so we compensated by stocking our reception with all manner of interesting beers and coolers filled with champagne. If your guests feel an overwhelming need to get smashed, they can get just as smashed on suds.
(more…)

The ever fabulous Francesca sent me a link to a NY Times article concerning post-nuptial bridal monikers. I’ve written here about the practical aspects of changing one’s name, but I can’t recall if I’ve addressed the alternative considerations. To take the name of another (or not) can be an intensely personal process and, as you’ve no doubt noticed in the comments section, one that many people find rather off-putting.

Said article opens with a anecdote about a family vs. family softball game intended to determine whether Jill Van Camp would take Darren Bloch’s name or vice versa…an idea that may have been invented by New Yorkers Sam Shaffer and Kathryn Neale.

Thanks to hyphens, a vogue toward creative morphing of names, and legislation in some states that has eased the process for a man to take his wife’s surname, there have never been more surname options…But brides, and bridegrooms as well, are learning that with choice comes complication. They are turning what was once an intimate conversation into an interactive dialogue with relatives, friends and even professional consultants.

The number of newlywed ladies opting not to become Mrs. So-and-So is rising, at least among those who are college educated. And more duders are deciding to take the name change plunge, leading some states to put legislation into play that makes it easier for guys to become Mr. So-and-So. The Governator even signed a bill that will allow domestic partners in California to easily swap monikers in 2009.

If you’ve gotten flack for your choice to keep or change your name, you have an advocate in the Lucy Stone League, an organization dedicated to “equal rights for women and men to retain, modify and create their names, because a person’s name is fundamental to her/his existence.” The league also pushes for the equal frequency of male and female name changes and equality of patrilineal/matrilineal name distribution for children, though I really don’t see either of those things happening any time soon. The site is worth a visit if you’re on the fence about changing your name–it discusses the history of name choice freedom, the importance of identity, and the many options brides AND grooms have.

Who won the softball match? You’ll have to read the article to find out! But before you scamper off to the Times, weigh on the name change issue via comment if, like many, you have strong feelings on the topic.

I’ve been burned before where thank you notes are concerned, and I can still rattle off the names of each and every bride and groom who didn’t make with the gratitude. So many nuptial etiquette rules were made to be broken, but the one about sending thank you notes in a timely fashion is not one of them. Being that you have to send them out anyway, why not make your thank yous as easy on the eye as possible by ordering from San Diego-based Ink Drop Design?

You’ll probably need a gel pen to write on the darker ones.