Manolo for the Brides

The ever fabulous Francesca sent me a link to a NY Times article concerning post-nuptial bridal monikers. I’ve written here about the practical aspects of changing one’s name, but I can’t recall if I’ve addressed the alternative considerations. To take the name of another (or not) can be an intensely personal process and, as you’ve no doubt noticed in the comments section, one that many people find rather off-putting.

Said article opens with a anecdote about a family vs. family softball game intended to determine whether Jill Van Camp would take Darren Bloch’s name or vice versa…an idea that may have been invented by New Yorkers Sam Shaffer and Kathryn Neale.

Thanks to hyphens, a vogue toward creative morphing of names, and legislation in some states that has eased the process for a man to take his wife’s surname, there have never been more surname options…But brides, and bridegrooms as well, are learning that with choice comes complication. They are turning what was once an intimate conversation into an interactive dialogue with relatives, friends and even professional consultants.

The number of newlywed ladies opting not to become Mrs. So-and-So is rising, at least among those who are college educated. And more duders are deciding to take the name change plunge, leading some states to put legislation into play that makes it easier for guys to become Mr. So-and-So. The Governator even signed a bill that will allow domestic partners in California to easily swap monikers in 2009.

If you’ve gotten flack for your choice to keep or change your name, you have an advocate in the Lucy Stone League, an organization dedicated to “equal rights for women and men to retain, modify and create their names, because a person’s name is fundamental to her/his existence.” The league also pushes for the equal frequency of male and female name changes and equality of patrilineal/matrilineal name distribution for children, though I really don’t see either of those things happening any time soon. The site is worth a visit if you’re on the fence about changing your name–it discusses the history of name choice freedom, the importance of identity, and the many options brides AND grooms have.

Who won the softball match? You’ll have to read the article to find out! But before you scamper off to the Times, weigh on the name change issue via comment if, like many, you have strong feelings on the topic.

I’ve been burned before where thank you notes are concerned, and I can still rattle off the names of each and every bride and groom who didn’t make with the gratitude. So many nuptial etiquette rules were made to be broken, but the one about sending thank you notes in a timely fashion is not one of them. Being that you have to send them out anyway, why not make your thank yous as easy on the eye as possible by ordering from San Diego-based Ink Drop Design?

You’ll probably need a gel pen to write on the darker ones.

A Curious Bridesmaid asks:

There was a… let’s say awkward situation I encountered during one of my many stints as a bridesmaid. The maid of honor at this particular wedding was really excited about throwing a bachelorette party, and invited us all to her family’s beach house for a weekend. We were all able to drive to this location — except for the bride. We considered other locations, but the bride said she was excited about going to the beach and booked a plane ticket. We threw her a great bachelorette weekend and everyone had a wonderful time.

A week later we received an e-mail from the bride asking us to please remember to send her checks to cover the cost of her plane ticket. We were all really startled by this development — while we of course paid for the bride’s drinks, meals, and other expenses during the weekend, none of us had any idea that she thought we were paying for the plane ticket, too.

The maid of honor quickly managed to strike a compromise bargain where the bride paid for part of the ticket and we chipped in for the rest, but now I wonder if we missed out on some crucial point of bridesmaid etiquette. Is it generally expected that the bridal party pays for the bride’s travel to the bachelorette party? Were we bridesmaids cluelessly rude and behind the times? Or is this just a case of poor communication?

TWISTIE: My gut reaction? What the hell was the bride smoking?

NEVER TEH BRIDE: And where can we get some? Miscommunication… more like Miss Entitlement! Most bridesmaids end up laying out a phat wad of cash for showers and hen parties before the engagement period is up, and that’s before they start shopping for a wedding gift.

TWISTIE: A plane ticket to a party? Waaay too much to expect without prior agreement. This is one bride who needs to brush up on her basic etiquette. Emily Post, Peggy Post, Miss Manners, Letitia Baldridge… any reputable etiquette expert you care to consult will tell you that bachelorette parties and showers are optional events held at the discretion and according to the means of the MOH.

NEVER TEH BRIDE: The key word being optional. I opted not to have a bachelorette party, much to the disappointment of my stepmother and her relatives. I tried to opt out of my shower, too, but no one would let me. A bridal party is an all volunteer army! You can’t demand that they do anything!

TWISTIE: The bride knew she was going to have to travel well out of her way to get there. She chose to buy that plane ticket when she said yes to a faraway beach house bash. She didn’t mention anything about being reimbursed until she started demanding payment.

NEVER TEH BRIDE: The fact that the bridal party even had to come to a compromise demonstrates that the bridesmaids involved had a remarkable amount of tact and patience and the bride was, in fact, the clueless one. Now if you please, Twistie, lay it on the line for us.

TWISTIE: The bottomest of bottom lines? The guest of honor pays for her own transportation to the party, unless specific arrangements have been clearly made in advance.

NEVER TEH BRIDE: Which they clearly weren’t. I’d demand a refund.

Everybody seems to have an opinion on this one. Pretty much everybody seems to think their personal logic on the subject is - or at least ought to be - universal. Way too many people find the opposing view not only incorrect, but offensive as well.

What’s the question? Children as wedding guests.

I’ve wandered around more bridal sites, bridal blogs, and bridal message boards in the last two months than I had in the rest of my life put together, and this is one of the nearly universal sore spots that keeps coming up.

On the one hand, there are those who insist that a wedding is no place for a child and so to allow them to attend will make a mockery of the occasion and all the bride’s hard work will be destroyed by an unruly child. On the other stand those who insist that weddings are about families and families are about children so any marriage that fails to include little Egbert at the wedding is doomed from the outset. I wish I could say this was an exagerration.

Me? I stand squarely in the middle.

I love kids. I love having kids around me. I wouldn’t have missed having the smaller guests at my wedding for anything. One of the best shots in my wedding album is of a group of kids playing ring around a rosie, and clearly having a grand time. An eleven-year-old boy caught my garter with an Air Jordan move that still makes me laugh to this day. I also have fond memories of attending many weddings as a child.

(more…)

If there’s one thing the average bride doesn’t lack, it’s advice. Books, websites, computer programs, parents, soon-to-be-in-laws, friends, neighbors, co-workers; sometimes it seems as though everyone in the world knows precisely how your big day should go and no two agree.

Have a huge bash! Run away and elope! You have to have your sister as a bridesmaid even if you haven’t spoken voluntarily in three years! Don’t even consider asking family to be in the wedding party because sibling rivalry will get out of hand! You have to get married in church no matter what you personally believe! Getting married in a church is old-fashioned and yours isn’t pretty enough! If you don’t have your two-year-old nephew as ring bearer, he’ll be traumatized! If you ask that poor child to be ring bearer he’ll be traumatized! Even if your wedding is very informal you must serve a three-course meal! I’ve got a cousin who can give you a deal on catering, and hey, who doesn’t love Sloppy Joes at a formal wedding reception?

Sometimes it’s enough to make your head spin a la The Exorcist.

How to deal with all the musts and absolutes and must nots and other assorted offers of advice? I thought you’d never ask.

(more…)

A co-ed shower is one thing, but a party where guests buy their way in and are expected to pay for drinks or activities once inside? Not on my watch. The Jack and Jill is a rather old tradition, as I discovered while reading Bachelor Party Confidential. Back in the days when $600 was a HUGE wad of cash, and many brides and grooms started out with absolutely nada, Jack and Jills helped the new couple find their feet. But today, when so many young newlyweds already have a little something socked away (or at least steady jobs), the notion of holding a fête where the object is to rake in the bucks seems just a tad outdated.

The Jack and Jill, also known as the “Doe and Stag” or couples shower, it can bleed your wallet white. The best man and the maid of honor usually collaborate on this matrimonial mugging. They rent a hall — at their cost, not the bride’s — and sell tickets, usually for around $20. If you’re invited, but not planning to attend, you’re still expected to buy a few tickets. Just about everyone invited to the wedding gets roped into this one.

There’s a no-host bar, where a glass of wine costs $5 to $10, plus a series of gambling games and raffle drawings. If you win a prize, you’re expected to donate it to the happy couple. Win $50 at roulette, you’re supposed to hand that over, too. The entire bar profits, raffle proceeds and admission-ticket money goes to subsidize the honeymoon.

If that’s not enough, upfront and center in the hall is an artificial tree, the Money Tree, to which guests are expected to fasten envelopes full of cash and checks for the honeymoon.

So, let me get this straight. I’m to bring a present to the shower and then send a gift on ahead before the wedding, and I’m supposed to “subsidize the honeymoon?” Overkill, much? I understand that such parties can be culturally appropriate, but the individuals hosting them should be sensitive to the fact that some guests may be shocked and appalled at the idea. Me? I just can’t get behind it… a marriage license is not a license to grub for cash.

Those aren’t my relatives in the image above, but they easily could be. When I actually have more of my wedding pictures, I’ll try to find one that illustrates the dichotomy between my overwhelmingly large immediate family and the Beard’s itty-bitty one. Having a large stand-alone family, or a combined family so big that its density subtly changes earth’s gravity, can be both a blessing and a curse.

On one hand, relatives can really fill up those church pews, ensuring that your wedding is well-attended. On the other, if any of them have traveled a great distance to attend said wedding or have not seen you in some time, their desire for “face time” may override their sensitivity.

I mentioned yesterday that given the chance to relive my nuptials, I would do a few things differently with regards to my wedding celebration. The first would be to let everyone know in advance that private time is as necessary to newlywed happiness as champagne and cake.

Both the Beard and I have friends and family hailing from a diverse cross section of geographical locations, and all of these people inevitably wanted to share their happiness with us in person. Not that there is anything wrong with that, mind you. We certainly felt loved as we hauled ourselves from dinners to breakfasts to cocktails, etc. But through it all, we kept decrying the fact that we had had but a few scant moments to enjoy one another’s company after saying, “I do.”

My advice is this: If you know you want alone time with your new spouse, let everyone attending your wedding know this. Be gentle, but be firm — and don’t let anyone guilt you into losing your resolve. If you’re not sure how much alone time you’re going to want, weigh the pros and cons of free food versus the exhaustion that will hit you after you’ve breakfasted with one set of loved ones, grabbed a quick lunch with another more faraway set, and then driven more than an hour to meet up with yet more family for a traditional clam bake.

The Beard and I learned this the hard way, after having a bit of a shared meltdown on the road between family obligations. We’d just planned and executed an entire wedding ourselves, and were not given much of a chance to wind down afterward. In fact, we were afforded quality time to ourselves on only two separate occasions, during our character lunch at Disney’s Crystal Palace and while packing our belongings to leave for home.

Let me be very clear that this was our choice. We regard family as important, and we made a sacrifice to prove it. Heck, we’ll have the rest of our lives to think up excuses to avoid family (just kidding, mom!). But before you make the same sacrifice, take a few quick seconds to mull over some ways you could fit some alone time into your busy schedule of post-nuptial family visits. A few minutes spent gazing into your new spouse’s eyes with no one there to interrupt will do wonders for your wellbeing!

The foibles that turn a bride-to-be into a raging, foaming-at-the-mouth bridezilla are just part of what makes planning a wedding so much fun. Cross my heart. The best things in life are seldom free, and many young ladies and gents find that they pay in spades for the privilege of having a “perfect” wedding. What could go wrong? How about everything under the sun…

The well-wishes that come in the form of cards, phone calls, e-mails and letters after you announce your engagement may or may not sweeten the sting of hearing things like, “It’s about time,” and “So, he’s finally decided to make an honest woman of you!” The loved ones that swore up and down that they would be there for you during your engagement will be replaced by androids programmed to make constant quips about shotguns, living in sin, wedding night terrors, edible underpants, and garter removal. The help you expected to receive during these first weeks and months of planning? Don’t look for it here unless you’re planning to serve up a heaping helping of resentment along with your chicken, fish, and vegetarian plates.

Your wedding dress is lovely. Your wedding dress makes you look like the woman you’ve always wanted to be. Unfortunately, the wedding dress you chose and the wedding dress the salon ordered for you are not the same dress. You will be told by a perky yet grandmotherly woman that they can order the correct dress, provided you don’t mind receiving it the day before your wedding. Or the right dress will come in a size that will either force you to hold your breath for the duration of your wedding or require so many alterations to scale down that your seamstress will decide to enlist the help of an experienced structural engineer. You will then enjoy a lengthy period of nail biting while you wait to find out whether you will actually be able to wear the dress of your dreams.

Think you’re having a small wedding? Think again. Once you and your honey have perfected the perfect 15-person guest list, the voices of dissent will start rolling in. Dear old Aunt Eddie will insist that she won’t come unless her three catty, bratty daughters also receive invitations. Grandma, in an effort to be helpful, will send you a spreadsheet of the names and addresses of every relative who ever emigrated from the old country…with the understanding that you’ll be inviting them all. Mom will secretly invite the whole of her bridge club and will wait to tell you this until the last possible moment, i.e. after Suzy, Cyndi, Martha, Billy-Jean, and Samantha have already bought the perfect frocks for the occasion. Soon you will find yourself locked in a dangerous game in which inviting so-and-so means you can’t avoid giving such-and-such a courtesy invitation. Before you know it, you’re looking at a 100+ large guest list.

And speaking of guests, the fine art of the RSVP has gone right out the window, much to Miss Manners’ dismay. Even in a day and age where invitees are required to do little more than write their names on a postage-paid postcard and drop it in the mail, one third of the family, friends, acquaintances, and bridge club members invited to your wedding will remain mum on the ever-so-important issue of whether or not they plan to attend. You will be left using complex equations that a math major would be proud of to figure out how many white folding chairs you need to place on reserve, just to be safe.

Finally, everything will be peachy — until the last possible second, that is. A week before the wedding, your photographer will call to let you know he’s going to be in the hospital on your wedding day. Oh well, at least he’s got someone else all lined up for you, right? The tent and table outlet will lose your order because the dimwit you first talked to didn’t believe you when you told him that your last name is spelled with two t’s instead of just one. You will find out that your dress may not be pressed in time…and that French taffeta (a.k.a. polyester) doesn’t respond well to ironing. After countless dance lessons, your fiancé will forget how to do “the pretzel.” And, as you endeavor to cope with all of this without losing your cool because, as everyone knows, stress causes wrinkles, every well-intentioned busybody in your life will be trying to convince you that your wedding day will be beautiful.

…because it will be. The truth of the matter is that the top five things that will check your bliss as you plan what will likely amount to the biggest shindig you will ever throw will cease to matter when the organist/band/CD/Uncle Joe’s ukulele/string quartet starts playing the music that will usher you down that aisle.

(for Problogger’s Top 5 - Group Writing Project)

The complaint I hear more often than any other from brides- and grooms-to-be is that guests don’t RSVP. As I’m sure you folks know, a failure to let a host know whether you will or will not attend an event is quite discourteous. The relative rudeness of such a faux pas is magnified when the hosts in question need to know how big of a tent to reserve. Sure, people these days lead busy lives, but a response card takes, what, a whole fifteen seconds to mail and fill out? Be a good guest — let them know you’re coming.

Okay…I am done lecturing so let’s lighten the mood. I stumbled upon People Magazine’s Ugliest Bridesmaid Dresses blog and have been thanking my lucky stars that I’ve never been asked to wear something like this:

Though when I was quite little, I did wear this odd navy bridesmaid dress with obscenely ruffled sleeves. At the time (around 1987 pr so) I dearly loved that dress and wore it until the seams started threatening to pull apart. And speaking of strained seams, if you feel you absolutely must lose a few inches before your wedding day, I am an advocate of exercise over dieting. Eat well, learn a few new moves from books like Buff Brides: The Complete Guide to Getting in Shape and Looking Great for Your Wedding Day or The Body Sculpting Bible for Brides: Look Your Best in Your Wedding Dress, and you’ll be fine.

Keep in mind two things when slimming down before your big day, however. First, your intended obviously loves you as you are so why mess with perfection…and second, don’t get too crazy after your fittings begin since a dress that is too big can look just as bad as a dress that is too small.