So you’ve gotten an invitation to a wedding and there’s no ‘and guest’ on it. Or your significant other was invited, too, but has an important business conference that weekend…or got sick at the last moment. Whatever. You’re going to have to face that reception and that crowd of people on your own.

Before you throw in the towel and claim you’re getting your adenoids removed or joining the Secret Service and heading off to protect the President on your friends’ or relatives’ big day, stop and think for a minute. You don’t really want to miss cousin Bob’s wedding (or your favorite sorority sisters’, or whatever relation) just because you’re a tidge shy about meeting a group of happy people in the mood to celebrate, do you?

The key is to remember that most of the people at this event really are going to be in a cheerful and somewhat expansive mood. Unless there are huge family kerfuffles over the match, chances are that nothing more untoward will happen than someone with a mild buzz on attempting to perform the chicken dance with comic results. Despite the popularity of shows like Bridezillas, the fact is that most bridal couples and their families do put their best manners on for a wedding. In fact, in more than forty years of attending (and participating) in weddings, I have yet to see a fist fight break out or a bride hurling cake at the masses, or, indeed, any action that was much more than momentarily embarrassing.

Besides, chances are you do know at least a few people at the wedding. If you’re in the bride and groom’s social circle, you’ve likely either met or heard about a lot of other people they know…who are also probably at the wedding.

I’m going to let you all in on a little secret about me…

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The receiving line has gotten a lot of bad press over the past couple of decades. Many consider it outdated or impossibly stuffy. Alas, many of these same people consider doing the money dance and claim they ‘have to’ because it’s the only way to make sure they see all of their guests. Never mind that I can absolutely guarantee they won’t get a chance to see me that way…and I am far from alone.

In fact, the receiving line has fallen so far out of favor that when the mother of regular reader and all-around awesome lady Fabrisse took on the job of wedding coordinator at her church recently, the outgoing coordinator had never even heard of receiving lines! He had no clue what Fabrisse’s mother was talking about.

As resident etiquette mavin (and as someone who had a lovely and really quite enjoyable receiving line at her own wedding), I feel it falls upon me to discuss the whys and wherefores as well as the hows of this time-honored tradition.

So what is this receiving line all about, anyway? Why is it held? How is it done? And what about that cocktail I want to be drinking while it’s going on??? Read on, my dears, and learn.

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The gorgeous (and thrifty) Gwen wrote:

My fiancé and I are paying for our own wedding, end of story. For various reasons, we’re not getting any help from parents. We don’t have a lot of savings. And we’re not the kind of people you read about in wedding magazines whose idea of budgeting is choosing the California Estate Osetra over the Asetra caviar. I don’t feel comfortable saying how much we have to spend, but we’re looking for creative budget wedding ideas. Anyway, I read an article at Simple Dollar that suggested we put “vendor cards” on the reception tables in exchange for reduced rates. My fiancé thinks it’s a great idea. I’m not so sure.

I can see how at first glance this might seem like a solid money saving idea. I really can. Celebrities strut their stuff for the photogs at parties sponsored by everything from car companies to mouthwash manufacturers. We’re used to hearing that our favorite television special was brought to us by company X and product Y. More often than not nowadays, the coffee sleeves that protect us from the heat of our lattes are splashed with ads… and sometimes even free samples. Advertising is everywhere, and we are all, for the most part, somewhat desensitized to it.

But Gwen, your wedding is not a Nascar race.

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Over the last few months, I’ve seen a lot of people here, on other blogs, privately discussing their own weddings in public at a volume where I couldn’t help but hear, insist they aren’t having/didn’t have a reception. They had/will have a party.

That’s when I realize that people don’t completely understand what a reception is, or how it does and doesn’t differ from any other party.

So what makes it a reception?

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I love when the comments on an article are better than the article itself. A few months back, the Washington Post published a frankly tired piece on saving matrimonial money in these tough economic times. Those interviewed were forced by trying circumstances to cut their guest lists from 240 to 200 (gasp!), to stuff envelopes themselves (Gasp!), and to get married in the Bahamas (GASP!). Oh, woe is them, right? This is my favorite response:

Was the article on “less expensive” weddings ["The Big Day Gets Smaller"] intended to upset readers? We read about these poor souls who are downsizing their $40,000 weddings to budgets of less than $30,000. They are forced to opt for destination weddings to reduce the number of guests. One bride-to-be said she was “even considering who is a better gift-giver, like my dad’s friends, to keep on the guest list.” Give me a break.

If the purpose of your wedding is to rake in cash and gifts, why invite anyone? Just send contribution envelopes to your contributors, er, “guests.” Maybe you could even include suggested “gift” amounts. Then you could mail thank-you postcards from your honeymoon. Oh, wait, perhaps it would be easier to just have the guests fill out and mail their own thank-you notes, too.

Amusing, no? Had I read the article in question when planning my own wedding, I would have laughed until I cried. For The Beard and I, there was no “This is just how much weddings cost in this zip code.” It was our responsibility to figure out how we could afford to feed and entertain our guests using the money we had, not the money some random online app like Cost of Wedding told us we should spend.

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The gorgeous Gigi searched the site for an answer to her query but found no satisfaction. To prevent other brides-to-be from suffering a similar fate, I shall repeat her question and my answer here.

Who am I supposed to tip the day of my wedding? And how much? We are getting married in Florida at a resort. Do we tip the person who works at the resort and is running the wedding? Let me just mention that my wedding is a mere 21 days away and I just got an e-mail for the girl who I have been working with since May of last year when we chose this location. She wrote that she had a family emergency and is leaving Florida next week. She assures me the girl who is taking over is good but does she deserve a tip? I know to tip the photographer and DJ, but how much? The bartenders will get tips throughout the night from guests, but do we give them one at the end? It is a buffet so there is no wait staff….I know I am forgetting someone…PLEASE help me.

I’ll admit right now that I’m a big tipper. You might even say that I tend to be an overtipper, unless service has been extra, extra shoddy. Service staffers aren’t usually paid particularly well, and if I can help make up that difference, I’m pleased to do so. That said, tipping only gets really confusing when you’re dealing with wedding professionals!

It’s important to remember that gratuities are always appreciated, but are never required. Some people won’t tip vendors who own their own businesses — photogs, florists, and bakers come to mind — but I see nothing wrong giving a small gift to a vendor who has gone above and beyond the call of duty. Sometimes it’s better to write a gracious letter of thanks instead that your favorite vendors can show it to future customers.

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