These days the rules aren’t quite so cut and dried. The duties of bridesmaids and groomsmen now range anywhere from ‘show up on this day and wear something in this general color range’ to spending a year being the bride’s personal slave and whipping girl. You may be told to wear whatever you like within a color/style range, or you may be informed that you’re getting matching shoes, jewelry, mani pedis, updos, make up, and Botox injections… at your own expense, natch.

What did I expect of my attendants? Well, I expected they would all show up on the big day wearing the skirts and blouses I gave them patterns and fabric for. I told them to trim the outfits any way they liked and to wear whatever flat shoes they preferred. I expected them to keep their naughty bits covered and have as good a time as they could at a party. One of the bridesmaids did sew my gown, and I expected she would get it done in time for me to wear it down the aisle… but when it nearly didn’t happen, I considered the friendship a lot more important than my wedding gown. My MOH held a lovely shower for me, helped address envelopes, and drove me on a couple errands, but these were voluntary things I appreciated, not orders from me.

As for the men, they were entirely Mr. Twistie’s bailiwick. I think all he expected was that they would show up on the day wearing what he wanted having read his mind. One of my brothers called me three weeks before the wedding asking what he was supposed to wear as a groomsman. He threatened that if he didn’t hear from Mr. Twistie soon, he was going to show up in a kimono and top hat. I told him that was more than fine by me, but I would have Mr. Twistie call him with any instructions he might have. It seems he just assumed that all his guys had some form of formalwear in their closets and would simply wear that. I told him to let them know that for certain. Drat. I kind of wanted to see the kimono and top hat combo.

So while the women all wore the same basic pattern in the same basic fabric with wildly divergent accessories, trims, and hairstyles, the men wore everything from kilts to tail coats.

Other than that… we really didn’t expect much.

But I’m curious. What did/do you expect? How much do you care about matching outfits, parties in your honor, and help with DIY projects?

I’m getting married to a great guy at the end of this year and neither of us has chosen our attendants yet. I was talking about the whole thing with one of my friends who said right out that she’d rather not be included as a bridesmaid so I’m safe there, but she did mention that I probably ought to invite my fiance’s younger sister to be in the bridal party because not doing so would be offensive to my fiance’s family. What? I’ve never heard anything like that and my fiance has never brought it up, but it’s so easy to hurt people’s feelings and I don’t want to offend anyone. Do I really need to invite my fiance’s sister to be a bridesmaid? She’s nice and all, and we get along, but it’s not like we’re close.

Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time, an ex boyfriend told me that if we ever got married – thank goodness that train never left the station – he’d expect me to invite his sister to be a member of my half of the wedding party and that if I didn’t, he’d and his entire family would be sorely offended. It would literally be an insult to not invite her to be a bridesmaid. I was all, wait, that’s a thing? Turns out that in some families, it IS a thing. As in a thing you better do if you want to have at least a passing relationship with your in-laws. But from what I gather, my ex’s family’s attitude is thankfully not the norm.

Sometimes, of course, a bride and groom (or bride and bride or groom and groom) will come to some agreement regarding swapping or including siblings to keep the halves of the wedding party even or segregated by gender. Now that it’s becoming increasingly acceptable to have bridesmen and groomsmaids, however, fewer couples feel compelled to hand off sisters and brothers to their future spouses. There’s no one wrong way to build a wedding party, so siblings can be included however you want them to be included. That is, IF you want to include them.

Ryan Smith Photography shows us what a sibling-heavy wedding can look like

I’m guessing from the tone of your email that you’re not exactly thrilled with the idea of having to give up one of your bridesmaid spots to someone you’re not particularly close to. My take on the matter is this: If you haven’t felt any particular pressure to include your fiance’s female siblings in your side of the wedding party and the idea never occurred to you on your own, I’d say don’t worry about it. It’s highly unlikely that your fiance’s family is gunning for your FSIL to be a bridesmaid and if she or your fiance hasn’t even hinted at the matter, you’re probably in the clear.

And let’s say the worst happens and someone does get offended… they’ll get over it. That’s a heck of a lot better than planning a wedding all on your lonesome because there’s no one among your bridal party that you’re close to at all, which really sucks.

The inspiration for this little series was the hugely popular badassery snapshot where everyone looks angrily into the camera with expressions that say “Why the #$%@ are you taking my picture?” and “You want a piece of me? Do ya?”

Or even “You’ve trapped me in this dungeon and I am very angry at you.”

So what you think of all the camera glaring, angry mug making, PO’ed looking brides, grooms, and attendants appearing in wedding albums these days? I kind of hate it, but I’m also one of those folks who has a big grin in my passport photo and on my license. I like a big goofy grin more than I do a pout. How about you?

(Images via: ? and Ed Pingol)

Since this tradition seems to be dying out anyway, there’s really no need for me to put it down, I suppose. But just in case there are any otherwise happy bridesmaids out there reading this who are dreading the thought of slow dancing with some friend of the groom they have never seen or sniffed, I thought I’d share my three reasons for not particularly liking the attendants’ dance. As I see it, this old tradition is…

1. Awkward: While I actually wish that there were more opportunities for social dancing that included switching partners in a platonic, fun way, I still think that having to cut a rug with someone you may find icky while 75+ people look on is just plain weird. It’s one thing to dance with an unfamiliar partner – one who may never have heard of Arthur Murray or mouthwash – and quite another to do it on demand while a photographer circles the dance floor. And if you’re a young junior bridesmaid, it’s even weirder.

2. Boring: So now the wedding guests have sat through the first dance, the father-daughter dance, and the mother-son dance, and perhaps the bride and groom also invited their grandparents up for a waltz. Even if you edited your chosen songs down, you’re still potentially talking about a good quarter of an hour’s worth of dancing on display that the guests have to sit through while they wait for the refreshments.

3. Ineffective: If the bride or groom’s goal is to get people to shake their booties, there are easier ways to do it, like hiring a good DJ or leading by example and shaking it themselves. Because, really, I think that wedding guests can sense the awkwardness of the attendants’ dance, and I don’t know anyone particularly inspired by embarrassment.

I’d recommend that any bridesmaids like myself who aren’t keen on dancing with a random groomsman and suspect that the bride is considering an attendants’ dance at the reception suggest letting all of the enrelationshipped attendants dance with their SOs and then, halfway through the dance, inviting other couples to join them for a special slow dance. Or better yet, suggest that the marrying couple not force their wedding guests to sit through one more spotlit dance.

Now I have to ask: Bridesmaids and former bridesmaids, have you ever found yourself on the parquet in the arms of someone just awful because you were obliged to participate in an attendants’ dance?

(Image via BeDazzled Photography)

Being that it’s bridesmaids week here at Manolo for the Brides, I had to, of course, find a snap of bridesmaids sporting the mustache look. (And now, of course, I can’t find the photo source so if anyone happens to know, speak up.) I personally am pretty cool when it comes to being silly – act my shoe size? No prob! – and I love the idea of asking people to participate in zany reception activities. But I know plenty of people out there endeavor to be way more dignified in their daily lives than yours truly. So I want to hear from bridesmaids: Should brides and grooms take those folks into account when they ask their attendants to play dress up in the wedding pics? Or since bridesmaids and groomsmen technically have the right to say nay, is it okay to require that props be used in the photos?

Some brides-to-be expect the world from their attendants. Others don’t. But no matter which camp you fall into, it pays to choose bridesmaids you trust.

After all, it would do to have bridesmaids who, say, steals all the gift cards at your bridal shower, drinks and dashes at your bachelorette party, “loses” your wedding bands just before the ceremony, or tries to convince your new spouse to get busy in a closet at the reception!

Image via Jerry Yoon Photography (which is freakin’ awesome)

What can we learn from this? First, I think we can safely assume that the trend toward balance and symmetry has more to do with wedding photography than it does with family or friends. Just because the bride has ten best girlfriends doesn’t mean the groom has ten best buds (or brothers or even close cousins or coworkers). And then there’s gender – I still see the same sex-segregated wedding parties even in now when us chicks have plenty of dude friends (and vice versa). Second, “tradition” plays a big part in this, with brides and grooms never considering that they might have a mixed, uneven, or alternative wedding party because no one suggested they could.

So this is me suggesting it. Before you rack your brains to find another friend you like enough to complete your half of the wedding party, think about why you’re even thinking in terms of halves. Once you’ve wrapped your mind around the idea that your wedding photos can still look awesome without having equal numbers of bridesmaids and groomsmen, it’s time to start thinking outside of the box when it comes to wedding attendant orientation. See, the reason balance and symmetry work so well is that bridesmaids and groomsmen (and groomsmaids and bridesmen) usually stand lined up on either side of the bride and groom. And that, ladies and gents, is that I want to talk about!

There are plenty of reasons not to have your wedding attendants flanking you and your sweetie during the ceremony, particularly when you’re saying your vows at a venue that doesn’t exactly accommodate a long line of people spaced out side-by-side. Which brings us to our first alternative attendant orientation option:

Please Be Seated
I’ve been to at least one rather religious wedding where the attendants did not stand/kneel at the altar along with the bride and groom, but instead were seated in the front-most pews with the bridesmaids all on the bride’s side and the groomsmen all on the groom’s side. This is a great option for couples getting married in a small space or couples who still feel a little weird about having more bridesmaids than groomsmen or more groomsmen than bridesmaids. I couldn’t tell you how many attendants the couple I just described had since my attention was focused on the bride and groom during the ceremony. Come to think of it, this is also a great option for brides and grooms who want their guests to focus on the ceremony (as opposed to clothes and flowers and shoes) or those using an alternative seating arrangement like this one.

Circle of Friends
It’s not uncommon nowadays for the bride and groom to have lots of friends, even very, very close friends, in common, making it difficult to decide who will stand with whom in a non sex-segregated wedding party. The bride and groom who share their best buds might consider doing away with his and her attendants and having their men and maids stand around them in either a semi-circle or even a full circle if their venue supports doing so or they’ve opted for a circular seating arrangement. They’ll be surrounded by their circle of friends (and family, too) when they say their “I dos,” which seems like a pretty memorable and beautiful way to begin married life!

Face the Crowd
Imagine you and your intended standing in front of your officiant with your backs to your wedding guests. Where are the bride and groom’s attendants? Behind the officiant! They’re facing the assembled wedding guests (but focusing on bride and groom, natch) either in a semi-circle curving around the trio or in the more traditional straight line. Orienting the wedding attendants in this way allows the bride and groom to enjoy the feeling of being flanked by their most important loved ones both in the front (bridesmaids, etc.) and in the back (moms, dads, and other VIPs in the front rows). Everyone can still see the bride and groom, including that most important individual, the wedding photographer, and there are again no sides for the couple to worry about if they’d prefer to share attendants.

These different ways of orienting your wedding party at your ceremony work with sex-segregated attendant groups or mixed groups, and it makes no difference whether the bride has bridesmaids or bridesmen or the groom has groomsmen or groomsmaids. In fact, wedding parties that don’t quite fit the usual mold can work better in non-traditional orientations because wedding guests and, later, people looking at the wedding photos, aren’t expecting to see symmetry!

I was reading about the 20 weirdest Craigslist postings when I came across this unusual want ad:

So, my fiancee and I are getting married in June. He has 8 groomsmen lined up and I only have one bridesmaid. So, I need some girls who are attractive and around my age to stand up in my wedding. You can be single or taken. It doesn’t matter….you just have to be hot. But, not hotter then me. Email me for more information. The wedding will be in Madison and you won’t have to pay for a thing.

Gee, I wonder if the whole “you just have to be hot. But, not hotter then me” thing has anything to do with this bride not having enough friends to fill out her bridal party? That aside, it’s easy to see why a bride would automatically feel the need to find extra girlfriends or guyfriends to ensure wedding attendant symmetry. At almost every wedding I’ve attended (and I’ve been to quite a few) there were an equal number of guys and gals on either side of the officiant.

But just because that’s the usual way of doing things doesn’t mean it’s the only way of doing things. Sometimes the groom has groomsmaids and the bride has bridesmen, or both sides are entirely mixed. Sometimes brides and grooms have no attendants standing with them at all. And occasionally, a wedding party is made up of lots and lots of bridesmaids (or groomsmen) and just a few groomsmen (or bridesmaids).

When you’re facing bridesmaid/groomsman inequity, the processional and recessional are the trickiest things to coordinate… and it’s not even that tricky! You can have all the men wait at the altar with the groom and let all the ladies walk the aisle solo. Everyone can walk solo, if you prefer. When there are two men to every woman (or vice versa), you can double up as long as your aisle is wide enough for three. You can also have some groups of three, some doubles, and some people walking solo, as necessary. Or, heck, you might just have everyone run out crazy-style all at once. Anything goes, provided your ceremony location or house of worship is okay with your decision.

But if you share the OP’s conundrum and are mainly worried about how your wedding photos will look, my advice is chill. There’s no law stating that you have to line everyone up on either side of the bride and groom in your pictures. Group up like the huge wedding party in the above wedding pic and the difference in numbers between the bride’s attendants and the groom’s attendants will be a lot less obvious.

Image via

Unless, that is, they fall over, like this groomsman, who probably did not have any breakfast. The temptation to skip the pre-wedding meal is always there… think of the bride or bridesmaid who wants to avoid a foodbaby or the groom or groomsman who is in too much of a rush to grab a bite. Unfortunately, some of us do not handle low blood sugar as well as others, and a fainting bridal party, while occasionally humorous, does not make for picturesque ceremony photos.

Brides and grooms, do yourselves a favor and bring a little snack with you to wherever it is you’re getting dressed and prepped for the wedding ceremony. Remind your bridesmaids and groomsmen that it’ll be a while before the reception meal is served, especially if you’re taking wedding photographs after the ceremony. Better yet, equip the bridal (and, uh, groomal?) chamber with a fruit plate or a platter of bagels for everyone, including your stylist, to nosh on while ties are tied and makeup is applied.

But now that you’re getting married, you need to decide whom to ask to attend you and in what capacity. That’s where things can get tricky. You may not really know what jobs there are, what sort of person is best suited to said job, or even whether you want these roles filled at all. The fact is that while you will need witnesses for legal purposes (anywhere from one to three people, depending on state law if you’re in the US), those people are not required to hold particular titles or wear matching clothes…but most of us do have those witnesses or other close friends and family members stand by our sides.

Fear not! Here’s a brief rundown of bridal attendants, common and un, in a typical western-style wedding. Read on to get a better idea of what your options are and how to best meet your needs in putting together a bridal party.

MOH: The maid or matron of honor is typically the bride’s best friend or sister. In addition to standing closest to the bride at the altar, the MOH is expected to: hold the groom’s ring (if there is one) until the bride needs it during the ceremony, hold the bride’s bouquet during the ring exchange, arrange the bride’s train at the altar (if she has one on her gown), plan the bridal shower and/or bachelorette party, and act as a general sounding board for the bride throughout the wedding planning process. She may also help out with any DIY projects the bride has planned and go along on wedding errands. Oh, and it’s becoming more common now to have the MOH give a toast at the reception, as well.

The fact is, though, that a great deal of this is optional. If distance or time or lack of skill in a certain area makes it impossible for the MOH to perform one or more of these ‘duties’ that doesn’t change her place in your heart, and shouldn’t change her place by your side. Choose the person you most want standing by your side as you pledge yourself to your love. Oh, and that does include making the title Man of Honor, as well. I attended a wedding once where the bride had her brother as her honor – and only – attendant. That was the right choice for them.

Best Man: What the MOH is to the bride, the Best Man is to the groom. He plots…er…plans the bachelor party if there’s going to be one, stands next to the groom at the altar, holds the bride’s ring until it’s time to put it on her finger, makes a toast at the reception, and is often entrusted with the job of making sure day-of payments get to vendors. Some quite old-fashioned wedding guides have the Best Man doing everything for the groom short of actually marrying the bride, but in practice it’s mostly stand, hand, toast, and wish the happy couple well.

As with the MOH, it is, of course, quite possible for the best man for the job to be a woman. You grooms out there, if your best bud happens not to be male or if you have a sister you’re particularly close to, don’t hesitate to ask her.

Bridesmaids: Most often, this is a bevy of identically-dressed women who join the MOH in standing next to the bride at the altar. Frankly, this job is almost entirely decorative and honorary. Mind you, I would never in a month of sundays suggest choosing bridesmaids according to their looks! If you choose to have them, pick people of either sex who are quite close to you.

These people may or may not, depending on distance, talents, time available, and personal inclination help you out with errands and projects for the wedding. And of course there’s no law stating that they have to dress alike. That’s entirely up to the bride. If you decree a particular outfit, then they wear it. If you give them parameters, they need to go get something that fits them. If you tell them to choose what they will, you need to trust them to pick something appropriate. The blunt truth is that showing up on time wearing what you ask them to wear is pretty much their only required duty. Anything else they may or may not do is up to them.

Groomsmen: More or less bridesmaids for the groom. These are guys the groom is close to who show up on time wearing what they’ve been asked to wear, from custom formalwear to choosing something clean out of their own closets. Again, the groom may ask women to fill this role, if he chooses to do so.

Of course, sometimes the groomsmen double in another role.

Ushers: These may or may not be the same people as the groomsmen. If you’re having a large wedding and have a lot of guys you’d like to include, this is a perfect role for some of them. They dress to match the groomsmen, and their job is to escort guests to their seats at the ceremony. When they have finished the job, they retire to their own seats and become guests from that point on. Again, ushers do not all (or at all) have to be men. That’s simply what has been traditional. The rule of thumb is to have one usher for every fifty guests. If you’re having less than a hundred guests, chances are you won’t bother to have ushers at all. And, as I said before, many times the ushers are just the groomsmen.

Junior Bridesmaids/Groomsmen: Is there a child in your life who has hit that awkward stage where it’s no longer cute to have them as flower girl/ring bearer, but they aren’t adults yet? Want to include him or her? Call them junior attendants. They can wear what the adults wear, if appropriate, or a slight variation on the theme. All they have to do is stand at the altar and be as decorative as they know how…but it might mean a lot to a thirteen-year-old to be included.

Flower Girl: Usually a small girl who follows after the bridesmaids in the processional strewing flower petals in the bride’s path. Of course, the flower girl can be a flower woman, a flower boy, or a flower man. Some couples even have a beloved dog perform the service. Flower girls, however, are about as optional as can be. Also, be aware that choosing a very tiny child or a four-legged friend may require quite a bit of flexibility. Small children can develop stage fright at inconvenient times and Fido may not understand why it’s not okay for him to relieve himself on his way to the altar.

Ring Bearer: The counterpart of the flower girl. Usually a small boy who carries a fancy pillow which may bear the actual rings, or (more often now) some sort of symbolic rings that will not be used in the ceremony. Again, if you have a favorite small nephew or niece, or good friend of either sex or any age that you’d like to include in this way, have at it. If you haven’t, don’t be afraid to simply exise the role.

Oh, and keep in mind that even inanimate ring bearers can cause trouble, if they so desire. My brother the alpaca rancher and his bride chose to have the lady’s beloved teddy bear, Bailey, act as ring bearer. He carried the real rings and the Best Man carried Bailey. When the time came for the rings to be exchanged, Bailey entirely refused to give them up. I’m quite sure it wasn’t that the ribbon on the pillow got knotted or anything. It wasn’t until the Best Man swore at the bear in Korean that the rings came free and my brother was able to marry his love.

Later on, someone checked Bailey’s tags and discovered that he had been made in Korea.

Just a cautionary tale from the Twilight Zone that is my history.

Pages/Train Bearers: These were typically small boys in very fancy clothes who helped the bride with her train as she processed to the altar. I say ‘were’ because they have pretty much fallen out of use since the early part of the last century. If, however, you happen to be having a very grand wedding gown with a terribly long train and have a large number of children who wish to be included in the excitement, you could consider ressurrecting the idea.

Readers/Soloists: Attendants? Maybe not. But many people give these jobs to people close to them who aren’t going to be standing at the altar. After all, you may choose to have just one formal attendant but want to include your favorite cousin or another close friend in the festivities. Make sure these people have good voices, clear diction, and aren’t inclined to stagefright.

Keep in mind that each and every one of these roles is entirely optional. So long as you have the legally required number of adult witnesses on hand to sign the license, it doesn’t matter if you have just yourselves and your officient at the altar, or a cast that would put a Broadway musical to shame. And while certain roles are expected to be carried out by men or by women or by children, the fact is you can fill any role you like with any person you prefer…and some can be handled by animals or inanimate objects, if you’re willing to put up with a few odd looks and sighs from those who Just Don’t Get It. Consider well and don’t be afraid to vary the theme.

The best way to decide isn’t by gender or age or expectation, but by looking into your heart and choosing who will make you happiest.