Manolo for the Brides

One of the big problems with writing about weddings for a living is that when your own wedding rolls around, no one wants to help you plan it. All right, maybe family and friends might want to help you plan your wedding, but they assume that you know exactly what you want and how to get it and therefor don’t need any wedding planning help. Or, worse, they are afraid to offer suggestions or lend a hand because they think you’ll get po’ed. Needless to say, I did not have a big fat German/Russian/Scottish/French/Whatever wedding.

I can see the same thing happening to professed wedding enthusiasts, which I know many of our readers are. Your loved ones may assume that you don’t need or want any help putting together your ceremony and reception because, well, you obviously know all there is to know about weddings. Then again, maybe you’re drowning under a sea of well-intentioned busybodies who are insisting that you simply must hire their hairdresser’s niece to create your wedding cake, since she just completed a cake decorating course at adult extension. The grass is always greener, right?

Today we’re curious to know about your wedding planning experience? Did your family let you know what their expectations were? Did your friends make not-so-subtle suggestions where the food, drink, or dresses were concerned? Or was your wedding planning experience more like my own, where you found yourself waiting for help that never materialized? Vote in the poll and then elaborate in the comments!

Image via Sandie Bertrand Photography

I’ve been mostly blessed in the in-law department, though it may be due in part to the fact that The Beard’s family is teeny-tiny. Not everyone I know is so lucky. I have enough friends with scary sisters-in-law and maniacal step-mothers-in-law and boorish brothers-in-law to know that having a few states and a few thousands miles between myself and my extended family is a good thing.

You see, mother-in-law jokes aside, the stories submitted to sites like I Hate My Inlaws are not just pieces of fiction created by some deranged mind. Sure, one’s biological parents can be a nightmare, too, but one usually has a few decades in which to learn to deal with the idiosyncrasies of one’s own family. Prior to and upon getting married, one is immediately expected to become fast friends with nonblood kin of every description. As if.

So what’s the problem? A reasonably sane adult should be able to cope with a few strained familial gatherings per year, right? Would that it were that easy. You see, it turns out that new research has found that avoiding your in-laws (even the icky ones) can actually harm your marriage.

A husband or wife’s satisfaction with their in-laws is a dominant factor in how happy they are in their marriage, University of Denver associate professor Mary Claire Morr Serewicz found after spending six years researching family issues.

In fact, Morr Serewicz found in-law relations can represent 43 percent of a couple’s satisfaction in their marriage.

Forty-three percent? Yowza! Maybe it’s time to send your future sister-in-law a holiday card or give in and let your future father-in-law fix your brakes. If good relations must be established, why not start establishing them ASAP with a little holiday cheer? Then again, I’m a big fan of setting strict boundaries. If you’re slated to be married or recently tied the knot, this might just be the time to say “I love visiting with you, but it throws off my schedule when you drop by unannounced” and “No, I’m sorry we cannot drive four hours each way to visit you for two hours on Christmas Eve.”

A six-year study might tell us that positive in-law relationships are integral to a good marriage, but I’d venture to guess that sometimes the best thing you can do to maintain good relations between people who mix about as well as oil and water is to avoid one another as much as possible.

A few days ago I found myself at the local mall over lunchtime entirely sans reading material or a companion. I have no problem eating alone, but if that’s what I’m going to do, I prefer to have a book or a magazine in my hand. Going home where all my books live wasn’t an option since I had more shopping to do (it takes fortitude and visits to several stores to find lightweight summer pants, sometimes), so I headed for the lovely brand-spanking-new Borders that had just replaced the anemic little Waldenbooks we used to have. Same corporate masters, much bigger store.

I marched in and what to my wondering eyes did appear? Dozens of bridal magazines smack dab in my face almost as soon as I was through the door. The one that really caught my eye, however, was a Real Simple special wedding publication. I rather liked the clean, fuss-free imagery on the cover of a bride (well, most of her, since we see her pretty much only from about mid-torso to toes) sitting holding a simple bouquet composed of several large, plump, purple hydrangeas and a few glossy green leaves tied with pale blue ribbon. Her shoes are ballet flats. The gown is unadorned. In short, it looked all about the simple, the stripped down, and yet the elegantly lovely.

Even the tag line at the bottom of the magazine cover looked like the sort of philosophy I have always liked best: ‘Your personalized plan for a stress-free, beautiful celebration.’ Who wouldn’t want that? I snapped up the magazine and proceeded to read it with growing gawk over lunch.

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Here’s a tip from me to you: If you just adore your future in-laws, you have been wonderfully blessed and perhaps M.I.L.D.E.W. isn’t for you. In fact, reading the tales of woe over at that impressively tragic blog might just frighten you so much that you simply cannot bring yourself to utter a peep in front of your SIL, causing her to forevermore think of you as stuck up, stupid, or worse.

Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky enough to have great in-laws all around. Maybe your MIL is really the pits but your SIL has become your best friend. Or maybe you really feel a connection with your FIL that just isn’t there with the rest of the family. People are only human, and the likelihood of your liking every single one of your spouse-to-be’s relations is pretty darned slim.

Infer from this what you will, but I do enjoy stopping by M.I.L.D.E.W. to read through the new entries. If it happens that you fall into the second category of people (i.e., the “er, my in-laws are…okay, I guess” category) you may come to realize that you’re not alone after reading tales of horror like this one:

Right before my wedding, my MIL kept asking me if DH and I had had our blood tests. I kept patiently explaining to her that in California, you don’t need a blood test to get married. Finally she came out with her true worry, at SIL’s house and in front of Grandma.

She asked, ‘Have you had an AIDS test?’

She was certain that DH and I were ‘doing it’ and that I was giving DH all kinds of cooties. We weren’t and I wasn’t. DH had gone over that with her when we announced our engagement and she asked me (the second we were alone together, of course) if I was pregnant.

Now it warms my heart to see all of the pro in-law comments that come rolling in whenever I post about in-laws, but I know there is a whole contingent of people out there who reside on the other side of the MIL/FIL/SIL/BIL fence. I ask you…no, wait, I’m begging you to weigh in. Don’t worry, we’ll protect your privacy!