On sunday night, TLC will bring us the latest in their string of bridal reality programming, My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding.

Based on the UK hit version of the story, MBFAGW will feature real brides and real families among the American Gypsy and Traveller communities. It’s a window into a world most of us would never see, otherwise.

In some ways, it’s a throwback to a world that a lot more people lived in not too long ago where a woman’s wedding really was the One Special Day she had to shine for the world. It’s a world where girls are left ignorant about the facts of life, kept from dating, taught mostly to cook, clean, and take care of children, and then married very, very young. And then she will mostly cook, clean, have and tend children, and plan huge weddings for her daughters. The gender roles are strict and unforgiving for both men and women.

But the weddings are certainly colorful, if nothing else. Oh, and if you go over to Huffpo right now, you can read an interview with Sondra Celli, bridal designer to American Gypsies, whose work is featured on the show.

Will I watch the show? At least an episode or two. But I don’t think I’ll take to the road. I’m a Gorger, and happy that way.

When Abigail Kirk and Andy Weeks were kicking around ideas about their February 5 wedding, it was important to him that they share a last name, and she said she really didn’t want to use his. They were already planning a Twilight Breaking Dawn wedding because Abigail is a Twihard, so Andy suggested they just change both their last names to Cullen.

And so it was that Abigail wore Alfred Angelo’s commercial version of the gown Bella wore in the film, they used the Breaking Dawn soundtrack throughout their wedding… and then the took the surname of the vampire clan in the books and movies.

What do I think of it? Well, if you’re going to use a theme, I think it’s best to use one that both of you are really into. Andy hasn’t read the Twilight books. Still, if one partner wishes to indulge the other in something that’s meaningful to him or her, I’ve got no beef. And I do think it’s entirely up to the couple in question to decide the whose name to use issue for themselves using their own criteria. I’m down with couples changing their name to one that doesn’t come from either side, if that’s what works for them. So long as they aren’t trying to defraud anyone or evade the long arm of the law with their choice, I think it’s between them and the deity of their choice.

It’s a big old world and a free country, and I wish them well. And that’s about all the opinion I’m going to admit to having… but no power on earth can make me read those books or watch those movies.

Also? There are worse names to change to. I’m a huge Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan, and that one leaves open the option of changing your surname to ‘the Bloody.’

At least Cullen is a name.

According to R.J. Licata, the dangers include:

- Marrying the wrong girl
- Waiting too long/Proposing too soon
- Buying the wrong ring
- Overspending on the ring
- Being uninformed
- Overlooking an important detail
- Ruining the surprise
- Destroying your nerves
- Letting her down

I think about the only thing he left out was the heartbreak of psoriasis.

Oh, wait! That was a dandruff shampoo commercial in the seventies. My bad.

But Licata has the answer! He has written the book he wishes had existed before he proposed marriage. You know, the one that would have stopped him marrying the wrong girl. Or maybe it was that he was uninformed… or maybe he let her down. It’s hard to tell.

Anyway, whatever the heartbreak involved, Licata turned it into a media empire with The Ultimate Marriage Proposal Guide!

With it, a man can be prepared, informed, and recognize his own girlfriend in a crowd. Er… maybe that wasn’t quite what he meant with the crack about marrying the wrong girl, but my brain does work in mysterious ways its wonders to perform.

Licata will explain why it’s necessary to ask a father’s permission before asking the lady’s… which frankly would have bewildered my father and made me turn down the proposal, because not everyone thinks that way anymore and it’s more important to know what your lady thinks than the opinion of the author of a book designed mostly to disengage you from the contents of your wallet. He’s got the tools to keep you from blabbing the secret to the world before you ask your girl. Seems to me most of us understand the key to keeping a secret is not to tell it to people. Oh, and not to buy a great big book that will give the secret away by the very title of it.

Of course he has testimonials from a whole two guys (Jason in Indianapolis and Jamie in Syracuse) saying why they love this product. In the deathless words of Jamie in Syracuse:

Call me what you will, but I thought my girlfriend deserved a bit more than a piece of jewelry and a commitment.

Look, I have nothing against elaborate proposals when they fit the personalities of both parties involved. I think it’s great that there are guys out there who think the object of their affections deserves something unique. I even thought it was kind of cute when Jamie mentioned doing a scavenger hunt proposal… until I found out the instructions for a scavenger hunt proposal were part of Licato’s full package of goodies, along with the book, a set of checklists, and full access to his wedding proposal forum (a $300 value!).

All this could be yours for just $17. No, really. It’s worth over three hundred, but he’ll sell it to you for less than the price of dinner and a movie with your sweetheart for a limited time… most likely limited to as long as it takes him to unload all the copies of this stuff. After all, there’s that miracle wrinkle cream that’s been claiming to be looking for just one hundred first time users to accept a free jar in my area for the past two years. They keep telling me that’s a limited time offer, too.

This thing just strikes me as more wedding related stuff nobody actually needs.

A nice proposal is a lovely thing. I’m all for hearts, flowers, romantic music, and I’ve got no problem with a guy who goes down on one knee or arranges something he feels sure will make the moment magical for the very specific person he wants to marry.

But in the end, the most important thing a guy needs to know about the person he wants to marry is what actually matters to her. It doesn’t matter whether that’s a huge diamond and champagne or the simple assurance that the question is sincere. You’re proposing to a person, not a lab specimen. There is no one formula that will result in the reaction you want.

Make it about the two of you.

And you can have that advice for free.

You see, after a while it’s easy to get terribly jaded about bridal reality, and then it becomes easy to get terribly jaded about weddings in general. The same tired tropes get trotted out in episode after episode as if they were brand new and shiny and oh so true… even when they bear no resemblance to any reality I’ve ever seen.

Here are a few things I’ve witnessed (or even done myself!) in real weddings that I would love to see on bridal reality… but I’m not holding my breath.


I’d love to see an involved groom who isn’t portrayed as either a blithering idiot or a control freak in training to play the Charles Boyer role in Gaslight.

In reality some grooms are involved in the wedding. Others absent themselves from the process. Most of the ones I know who absented themselves did so not because they didn’t have opinions or didn’t care about getting married, but because they had had it drilled into their heads practically from the day they were born that their job was to show up on time and shut up until told to say ‘I do.’ Most of the ones I’ve known who got involved had some really great ideas to add, and were perfectly capable of articulating them… even (GASP! CONSTERNATION!)carrying some of them out.

It still takes two people to get married, and there is no genetic reason men can’t participate fully in their own weddings. I’d love to see that acknowledged.

Extra points if a wedding planner ever sides with a groom… or indeed, any man on the planet.

Speaking of wedding planners, I’d love to see just one get fired for really screwing things up. There was an episode of Whose Wedding is it Anyway? a long time ago where the planner took an eight thousand dollar backyard wedding and managed to turn it into a thirty thousand dollar backyard wedding, even after the bride managed to borrow a lot of decorative items from friends with resources! Then, the night before the wedding, the planner realized she’d underestimated the amount of fabric needed for the huge curtain she had planned by some fifty yards. Every time the bride asked how much things cost, she was more or less told not to worry her pretty head about it.

If that woman had been in any business other than wedding planning, very few clients would have put up with that. But the bride said she would hire her all over again! I wonder if she said the same thing when the bills started coming in.

I’ve watched planners ignore their clients’ wishes, treat the groom like an annoyance, allow budgets to skyrocket without suggesting a single item to cut, deceive parents, and flat out treat the bride with contempt, all without any consequence to themselves.

Yes, I’ve also seen some tremendously talented people do excellent work and treat their clients like intelligent, responsible royalty. These people are great and terribly helpful and should get lots of references and be appreciated. I’d just like to see the ones who are rotten at their jobs get their proper comeuppance.

Wouldn’t it be nice just once on a bridal reality show to watch a bride talk about her DIY project and then not hear the wacky horns of impending disaster?

Whether it’s a dress, bouquets, invitations, favors, or a cake, DIY always brings out the skeptic in wedding shows. An expert solemnly intones that the project is doomed from the outset because it isn’t being done by a professional. Well, that’s just plain poppycock!

Obviously not all DIY projects turn out well. There are some things some people just plain shouldn’t try to do on their own. But it’s not because nobody who doesn’t have professional training can’t do it; it’s because different people are better at doing different things. Just make sure you choose something you have the skills and time to do well, and you’ll be fine.

For instance, I didn’t make my gown. I don’t sew well or quickly. But one of my bridesmaids – who wasn’t a professional seamstress – handled the job more than capably. Meanwhile, I made the lace for the gown, tied the bouquets, did a fair amount of the cooking for the reception, and made the favors. Those were all things I had the time and skill to complete well.

And the number one thing I’d love to see on reality wedding television?

David Tutera…

…and Diann Valentine wrestling to the death…

… in a vat of lime Jello.

I’ve never actually seen that one happen, but I bet it would amuse me tremendously.

While I admit I’ve never been that big on comic books so my knowledge may be somewhat lacking, this is the first time I’ve heard of a same-sex marriage in one. And the fact that it’s Archie, that inoffensive bastion of childhood innocence and suburban Leave it to Beaver golly gee whizness only makes this a more powerful statement, in my view.

So congratulations, Kevin and Clay! You may be imaginary, but your love is a big step along the way to marriage equality.

Now if only Archie would make up his mind between Betty and Veronica. You’d think seventy years would be plenty of time.

There’s even plenty of literature to back that up. Not just novels, though the theme is rife in books that feature weddings, but in films, TV shows, and even blogs about weddings.

For instance, a recent article at the Huffington Post by wedding gown designer Justina McCaffrey chronicles the way she sees career woman after career woman morph from a no-nonsense, phone-glued-to-the-ear customer in search of a simple white pantsuit to get married in to a dewy-eyed Disney princess in the making.

It is the abandoned dream and vision of herself that was once forgotten somewhere between the divorce of her parents, high school exams, and her first broken heart. It is the internal struggle of regrets versus survival and that suddenly in the mirror a vision of herself looking like she is in love, and looking like she is vulnerable, and even giddy with joy makes her uncomfortable. It is a woman that she does not know. It is the woman she used to be, even as a little girl.

She cries as she sees herself in a white ballgown and veil. She is a princess.

But there’s something McCaffrey doesn’t mention: not all women react the same way to their wedding gown. Just as not every woman walks in holding a business conference on her phone while shopping for a dress, not every woman is just waiting for the princess within to be revealed.

Just as not every girl wants a church wedding, not every girl truly wants a ballgown and veil. And some who do want them won’t react so violently when they put them on.

Some women react more like Kate Fridkis in her recent Huffpo article: What if You Don’t Become a Fairy Princess in Your Wedding Gown?

For a long time, I hoped that something magical would happen when I dressed up. I hoped that I’d transform. I’d watched too many movies. I’d had too many friends with excellent collarbones and sculpted shoulders that were practically begging to be bared. I thought that the ability to undergo a metamorphosis from normal to stunning with a few simple props was an integral part of being a successful woman. I certainly thought it was an essential part of being a bride.

Now I’m not sure it is. I’m sort of glad I looked like me on my wedding day. After all, it was me getting married. Not a fairy princess. I mean, I was glad my husband looked like himself, in his tux. I wanted to see his familiar face, not the face of Prince Charming. That would’ve freaked me out.

I have to admit, I didn’t cry when I put on my wedding gown. I didn’t tear up. I was happy, certainly, and thought I looked pretty damn great… but I was just me in a better than normal dress. And Mr. Twistie was himself in a morning suit and top hat. That was something I’d seen before. It’s a nice sight, of course, but not something once-in-a-lifetime.

And you know what? That’s okay.

You really don’t have to release the princess within to get married. It’s even entirely possible she just isn’t there to be released.

Anyway.

It’s the day after Thanksgiving, and we all know what that means: Black Friday! The official start of Christmas shopping season!

So what should you ask Santa (or his designated minions) to bring you this year? I’m so glad you asked. I have some ideas you may just find irresistible.

To help you with savvy wedding planning online, you’ll definitely want a copy of erstwhile Manolo for the Brides editor and all-around fabulous person Christa Terry’s book iDo: Planning Your Wedding with Nothing But ‘Net. It’s a breezy read, and a really useful guide to help you find inspiration, resources, and general bridal sanity via your computer. Seriously, even if I didn’t love Crista like a… person I love a lot, I would still be recommending this book because it’s useful, down-to-earth, and a big dose of bridal sanity. Besides, at just $12.48 at Amazon (list price $16.00 and worth a heck of a lot more pennies than that!), it’s a great deal for a thrifty Santa’s Helper.

Of course, there are a lot of great things a bride-to-be (or even a bride-to-was) might enjoy finding under a Christmas tree or Hanukkah bush.


While we’re hanging around Amazon, you could probably use some romantic entertainment. For my money, it’s hard to outdo the one and only time that Katherine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart worked together: The African Queen. A nice, new Blu-ray of it will set you back less than twenty bucks, and you can enjoy the exotic scenery of the African locations, as well as the crackling energy between the stars. This is one of my all-time favorite films.

Of course, there’s more to life than books and movies. There’s also the opportunity here to either set up or upgrade your home! For my money, it’s hard to beat a great deal on something solid that will last you a long, long time… like this chance to get an amazing deal on a KitchenAid Professional Series 6 qt stand mixer at Cooking.com.

KitchenAid has been the gold standard for generations of bakers and serious cooks. It’s a great investment and quite elegant standing on your counter, as well. It’s also pretty expensive. The list price is $499.99. But right now at Cooking.com, it’s only $399.95. Oh, and to sweeten the pot, KitchenAid is offering a $50.00 rebate plus a two-year subscription to your choice of Food & Wine or Travel + Leisure magazine. So, that would be a five hundred smacker stand mixer for three-fifty, plus a two-year subscription to a great magazine. I don’t know about you, but that sounds mighty good to me!

Then again, maybe what you really want is a great piece of statement jewelry to wear on your wedding day.

This gorgeous Kate Spade necklace might just fit the bill. It’s silver tone with a combination of glass, crystal, and antique rhodium in a spectacular pattern that would grace nearly any neck beautifully. Yes, it’s $298.00 at href=”http://www.zappos.com/”>Zappos, but you’re worth the splurge, aren’t you? Yes, you are.

Or you might be looking for a great ‘something blue’ along the lines of these lovely Judith Ripka earrings.

They’re charming, and come in your choice of blue (shown), pink, or yellow, too. The size is 1″x1/2″ drops, which is enough to make a statement without overwhelming most bridal looks. And of course you can wear them for years to come. They’re $195.00 at Nordstrom.

Or perhaps you’re looking for something to share with your beloved on your special day. Say, something like a pair of toasting flutes.

Perhaps much like these gorgeous Waterford flutes in the Lismore pattern. How spectacular are those? They’ll be beautiful on your wedding day, and special enough to toast every anniversary with, too. Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that they’re a bargain! You could easily spend $140.00 on them elsewhere, but overstock.com has them for just $91.49. Now that’s the way to spread Christmas cheer!

Happy shopping! And don’t forget to take time out for a turkey sandwich and a slice of pumpkin pie… or whatever fabulous things are left over from your Thanksgiving feast!

There. I said it. I much prefer the LOLcats version. I believe it makes more sense and is better written, to boot.

But we’re not here to talk about Twilight as a whole. No, we’re here to talk about Bella’s much ballyhooed wedding gown, designed by Carolina Herrera… or at least the bargain movie tie-in by Alfred Angelo, which retails for $799.00. It looks like this:

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m kind of loving this. It’s rather elegant, with a bit of a slinky thirties vibe. I think the sleeves are pretty, and the lace over illusion back gives a bit of a wow factor to an otherwise simple gown. And at that price, it’s within reach of many a woman yearning for something that isn’t a strapless a-line or mermaid gown!

So here’s my vote: LOVE the dress, HATE the series… but I kind of have to thank the series for existing, because otherwise the dress (and the exponential number of knockoffs in the wings) might not have happened, and bridal couture would never include sleeves again.

Funnily enough, I think what struck me most and made me happiest about their entire love story was that when the Big Moments happened, Niles was usually trying to make them Momentous… and then they just happened quietly, naturally, and in ways that could never have been matched – let alone outdone – by the huge, elaborate plans he originally made.

When Niles was ready to propose marriage, he took everything to huge, dramatic excess. He had little people in angel costumes, a chorus, a guy in a medieval costume with a great long poot horn with a banner hanging from it, a five page proposal involving ridiculous metaphors and iambic pentameter, and Wolfgang Puck cooking dinner.

When Daphne got there, she was sick as a dog and just wanted a quiet evening in front of the fire with the man she loved. Of course much comedic gold was mined from Niles and Frasier’s efforts to get all the extraneous people (not to mention Frasier’s addition of live doves!) out of the apartment behind Daphne’s back so that Niles could bring it all together again at a later date.

In the end, he just realizes how full his heart is in that moment, pulls the ring from his pocket, and asks her to marry him. It doesn’t even matter that his proposal is interrupted by a long, juicy session of nose-blowing. The moment is perfect because it’s two people in love making the decision to be together for the rest of their lives.

A lot of people start out viewing proposals and weddings the way Niles does. Bigger is necessarily better, more elaborate means more proof of love… but I’ve never agreed with that philosophy. I think it’s the little things that make the process special, whether you choose to do things elaborately or without frills.

I have no beef, certainly, with those who choose to go all out with the details. Details are fun. Sometimes over the top is just who you are as a couple, and that’s great.

Just never let the hooplah overwhelm the most important things. Don’t imagine that it’s impossible to express your love on a smaller scale. Remember to take time to notice the little things that make things truly special.

Big or small, expensive or bargain basement, steeped in tradition or wackily personal, do it your way. Have the wedding you want.

But don’t let the style overshadow the moment. Keep your eyes and hearts open to the quiet things that hold the most meaning.

So I watched an episode.

The Santinis had been married for eighteen years (hey! that’s how long Mr. Twistie and I have been married!) but never got over the horror of their wedding day. You see, they hired someone to make the bridesmaids dresses who didn’t get them done in time. She had promised delivery on the day of the wedding to the church… and apparently nobody thought that plan to be potentially fraught with disaster.

The big day arrived, but the bridesmaids dresses didn’t, much to the consternation of all aware of the situation. For some reason passing all understanding, when the bride’s grandmother began foaming at the mouth about having the bridesmaids wear the groomsmen’s shirts, nobody pressed a cold compress to her forehead or called the paramedics. Instead, they listened to her.

And so it was that the bridesmaids marched up the aisle wearing the now bare-chested groomsmen’s shirts and matching high heels. One bridesmaid was tall enough that the shirt tails didn’t entirely cover her underpants.

Mrs. Santini left the church howling ‘I need a drink!’ and has been distraught over her wedding photos and video ever since.

Then Diann Valentine swooped in and fixed everything… eighteen years later.

I had some hope for this show, based on the fever dream that it might not wind up a painful hybrid of My Fair Wedding and Queen for a Day.

Also? While I detest My Fair Wedding with a passion beyond description, I do have to admit that when David Tutera gets done planning a wedding, it’s usually a pretty nice wedding. It may be provided with scads of eye-rolling and paternalistic weasel crap, but it’s a pretty event in the end. As much of a complete set of tools as Mr. Tutera comes off, he would never allow a groom to arrive at his wedding wearing a hat that was obviously too large for his head. Ms. Valentine picked that hat. Then she showed up wearing a gown that looked like something I saw Morticia Addams donating to Good Will recently.

And of course this show – like so many other wedding reality shows – wants you to swallow a huge dose of ‘see? it’s impossible to do this without a professional planner because you’re really just a gibbering idiot’ without even noticing you’re doing it. Valentine has said in press releases that if only these couples had had a real event planner on hand, these disasters would never have happened.

Okay, I can see how a planner might have helped in the case of the missing bridesmaid’s dresses. She could have counseled the couple to buy from a shop, or not give over the work to someone who didn’t intend to deliver before the actual wedding day. If the dresses didn’t turn up, she could have come up with a much better plan B than turning a church wedding into some sort of intramural strip club theme… but then again, so could one single random person with their head screwed on straight.

All it would have taken would be one person telling all the bridesmaids to run home, get their nicest dress in roughly the same length as the original dresses (or a similar color, or whatever was going to pull them together visually at the altar), and hurry back dressed in those. Would it have been utter perfection? No, of course not. You can’t guarantee that any five random women – even in 1992 – would all have tea length teal dresses in their closets. But would it have been a bazillion times better than what granny came up with? You bet your sweet bippy, it would!

So, yeah, not really absolutely necessary to have a wedding planner to come up with a solution. And I can’t think that having an event planner running the show would have helped in particular with the groom with a heart condition who flatlined during the vows. I’m thinking the paramedic best man at that wedding was a lot more useful. He got the groom’s ticker back on track with CPR.

So with all of this leaving a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, I have to say I love the story I ran across this morning about Mike and Nancy Rogers. The happy couple hails from Nova Scotia and this is a real photo of their wedding day:

See that burning building behind the beaming couple? Yeah, that was to have been their wedding venue, otherwise known as the late White Point resort.

The eighty-three year old mostly wooden building caught fire while Nancy and Mike were getting ready for their big moment in two of the outlying cabins on the property. The couple still wanted to get married that day, no matter where they had to do it. The quick-thinking staff moved the event to another outlying building that was in no immediate danger, and the ceremony went on as planned… or at least as close to as planned as possible.

This is the second marriage for both Mike and Nancy, and that might have made them just a bit more philosophical about the whole incident:

“Our last weddings were picture-perfect; nothing went wrong. But the marriages didn’t work out,” she says. “Rocky wedding, fantastic marriage is the way we see it.”

The general manager of the resort is also confident that they can rebuild and reopen. I wish them every luck with that plan!

As for Mike and Nancy, I think they’re creating their own luck. But I wish them well, too.

Somehow I don’t think they feel the need to call anyone in to fix what happened to them.