While I admit I’ve never been that big on comic books so my knowledge may be somewhat lacking, this is the first time I’ve heard of a same-sex marriage in one. And the fact that it’s Archie, that inoffensive bastion of childhood innocence and suburban Leave it to Beaver golly gee whizness only makes this a more powerful statement, in my view.

So congratulations, Kevin and Clay! You may be imaginary, but your love is a big step along the way to marriage equality.

Now if only Archie would make up his mind between Betty and Veronica. You’d think seventy years would be plenty of time.

There’s even plenty of literature to back that up. Not just novels, though the theme is rife in books that feature weddings, but in films, TV shows, and even blogs about weddings.

For instance, a recent article at the Huffington Post by wedding gown designer Justina McCaffrey chronicles the way she sees career woman after career woman morph from a no-nonsense, phone-glued-to-the-ear customer in search of a simple white pantsuit to get married in to a dewy-eyed Disney princess in the making.

It is the abandoned dream and vision of herself that was once forgotten somewhere between the divorce of her parents, high school exams, and her first broken heart. It is the internal struggle of regrets versus survival and that suddenly in the mirror a vision of herself looking like she is in love, and looking like she is vulnerable, and even giddy with joy makes her uncomfortable. It is a woman that she does not know. It is the woman she used to be, even as a little girl.

She cries as she sees herself in a white ballgown and veil. She is a princess.

But there’s something McCaffrey doesn’t mention: not all women react the same way to their wedding gown. Just as not every woman walks in holding a business conference on her phone while shopping for a dress, not every woman is just waiting for the princess within to be revealed.

Just as not every girl wants a church wedding, not every girl truly wants a ballgown and veil. And some who do want them won’t react so violently when they put them on.

Some women react more like Kate Fridkis in her recent Huffpo article: What if You Don’t Become a Fairy Princess in Your Wedding Gown?

For a long time, I hoped that something magical would happen when I dressed up. I hoped that I’d transform. I’d watched too many movies. I’d had too many friends with excellent collarbones and sculpted shoulders that were practically begging to be bared. I thought that the ability to undergo a metamorphosis from normal to stunning with a few simple props was an integral part of being a successful woman. I certainly thought it was an essential part of being a bride.

Now I’m not sure it is. I’m sort of glad I looked like me on my wedding day. After all, it was me getting married. Not a fairy princess. I mean, I was glad my husband looked like himself, in his tux. I wanted to see his familiar face, not the face of Prince Charming. That would’ve freaked me out.

I have to admit, I didn’t cry when I put on my wedding gown. I didn’t tear up. I was happy, certainly, and thought I looked pretty damn great… but I was just me in a better than normal dress. And Mr. Twistie was himself in a morning suit and top hat. That was something I’d seen before. It’s a nice sight, of course, but not something once-in-a-lifetime.

And you know what? That’s okay.

You really don’t have to release the princess within to get married. It’s even entirely possible she just isn’t there to be released.

Anyway.

It’s the day after Thanksgiving, and we all know what that means: Black Friday! The official start of Christmas shopping season!

So what should you ask Santa (or his designated minions) to bring you this year? I’m so glad you asked. I have some ideas you may just find irresistible.

To help you with savvy wedding planning online, you’ll definitely want a copy of erstwhile Manolo for the Brides editor and all-around fabulous person Christa Terry’s book iDo: Planning Your Wedding with Nothing But ‘Net. It’s a breezy read, and a really useful guide to help you find inspiration, resources, and general bridal sanity via your computer. Seriously, even if I didn’t love Crista like a… person I love a lot, I would still be recommending this book because it’s useful, down-to-earth, and a big dose of bridal sanity. Besides, at just $12.48 at Amazon (list price $16.00 and worth a heck of a lot more pennies than that!), it’s a great deal for a thrifty Santa’s Helper.

Of course, there are a lot of great things a bride-to-be (or even a bride-to-was) might enjoy finding under a Christmas tree or Hanukkah bush.


While we’re hanging around Amazon, you could probably use some romantic entertainment. For my money, it’s hard to outdo the one and only time that Katherine Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart worked together: The African Queen. A nice, new Blu-ray of it will set you back less than twenty bucks, and you can enjoy the exotic scenery of the African locations, as well as the crackling energy between the stars. This is one of my all-time favorite films.

Of course, there’s more to life than books and movies. There’s also the opportunity here to either set up or upgrade your home! For my money, it’s hard to beat a great deal on something solid that will last you a long, long time… like this chance to get an amazing deal on a KitchenAid Professional Series 6 qt stand mixer at Cooking.com.

KitchenAid has been the gold standard for generations of bakers and serious cooks. It’s a great investment and quite elegant standing on your counter, as well. It’s also pretty expensive. The list price is $499.99. But right now at Cooking.com, it’s only $399.95. Oh, and to sweeten the pot, KitchenAid is offering a $50.00 rebate plus a two-year subscription to your choice of Food & Wine or Travel + Leisure magazine. So, that would be a five hundred smacker stand mixer for three-fifty, plus a two-year subscription to a great magazine. I don’t know about you, but that sounds mighty good to me!

Then again, maybe what you really want is a great piece of statement jewelry to wear on your wedding day.

This gorgeous Kate Spade necklace might just fit the bill. It’s silver tone with a combination of glass, crystal, and antique rhodium in a spectacular pattern that would grace nearly any neck beautifully. Yes, it’s $298.00 at href=”http://www.zappos.com/”>Zappos, but you’re worth the splurge, aren’t you? Yes, you are.

Or you might be looking for a great ‘something blue’ along the lines of these lovely Judith Ripka earrings.

They’re charming, and come in your choice of blue (shown), pink, or yellow, too. The size is 1″x1/2″ drops, which is enough to make a statement without overwhelming most bridal looks. And of course you can wear them for years to come. They’re $195.00 at Nordstrom.

Or perhaps you’re looking for something to share with your beloved on your special day. Say, something like a pair of toasting flutes.

Perhaps much like these gorgeous Waterford flutes in the Lismore pattern. How spectacular are those? They’ll be beautiful on your wedding day, and special enough to toast every anniversary with, too. Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that they’re a bargain! You could easily spend $140.00 on them elsewhere, but overstock.com has them for just $91.49. Now that’s the way to spread Christmas cheer!

Happy shopping! And don’t forget to take time out for a turkey sandwich and a slice of pumpkin pie… or whatever fabulous things are left over from your Thanksgiving feast!

There. I said it. I much prefer the LOLcats version. I believe it makes more sense and is better written, to boot.

But we’re not here to talk about Twilight as a whole. No, we’re here to talk about Bella’s much ballyhooed wedding gown, designed by Carolina Herrera… or at least the bargain movie tie-in by Alfred Angelo, which retails for $799.00. It looks like this:

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m kind of loving this. It’s rather elegant, with a bit of a slinky thirties vibe. I think the sleeves are pretty, and the lace over illusion back gives a bit of a wow factor to an otherwise simple gown. And at that price, it’s within reach of many a woman yearning for something that isn’t a strapless a-line or mermaid gown!

So here’s my vote: LOVE the dress, HATE the series… but I kind of have to thank the series for existing, because otherwise the dress (and the exponential number of knockoffs in the wings) might not have happened, and bridal couture would never include sleeves again.

Funnily enough, I think what struck me most and made me happiest about their entire love story was that when the Big Moments happened, Niles was usually trying to make them Momentous… and then they just happened quietly, naturally, and in ways that could never have been matched – let alone outdone – by the huge, elaborate plans he originally made.

When Niles was ready to propose marriage, he took everything to huge, dramatic excess. He had little people in angel costumes, a chorus, a guy in a medieval costume with a great long poot horn with a banner hanging from it, a five page proposal involving ridiculous metaphors and iambic pentameter, and Wolfgang Puck cooking dinner.

When Daphne got there, she was sick as a dog and just wanted a quiet evening in front of the fire with the man she loved. Of course much comedic gold was mined from Niles and Frasier’s efforts to get all the extraneous people (not to mention Frasier’s addition of live doves!) out of the apartment behind Daphne’s back so that Niles could bring it all together again at a later date.

In the end, he just realizes how full his heart is in that moment, pulls the ring from his pocket, and asks her to marry him. It doesn’t even matter that his proposal is interrupted by a long, juicy session of nose-blowing. The moment is perfect because it’s two people in love making the decision to be together for the rest of their lives.

A lot of people start out viewing proposals and weddings the way Niles does. Bigger is necessarily better, more elaborate means more proof of love… but I’ve never agreed with that philosophy. I think it’s the little things that make the process special, whether you choose to do things elaborately or without frills.

I have no beef, certainly, with those who choose to go all out with the details. Details are fun. Sometimes over the top is just who you are as a couple, and that’s great.

Just never let the hooplah overwhelm the most important things. Don’t imagine that it’s impossible to express your love on a smaller scale. Remember to take time to notice the little things that make things truly special.

Big or small, expensive or bargain basement, steeped in tradition or wackily personal, do it your way. Have the wedding you want.

But don’t let the style overshadow the moment. Keep your eyes and hearts open to the quiet things that hold the most meaning.

So I watched an episode.

The Santinis had been married for eighteen years (hey! that’s how long Mr. Twistie and I have been married!) but never got over the horror of their wedding day. You see, they hired someone to make the bridesmaids dresses who didn’t get them done in time. She had promised delivery on the day of the wedding to the church… and apparently nobody thought that plan to be potentially fraught with disaster.

The big day arrived, but the bridesmaids dresses didn’t, much to the consternation of all aware of the situation. For some reason passing all understanding, when the bride’s grandmother began foaming at the mouth about having the bridesmaids wear the groomsmen’s shirts, nobody pressed a cold compress to her forehead or called the paramedics. Instead, they listened to her.

And so it was that the bridesmaids marched up the aisle wearing the now bare-chested groomsmen’s shirts and matching high heels. One bridesmaid was tall enough that the shirt tails didn’t entirely cover her underpants.

Mrs. Santini left the church howling ‘I need a drink!’ and has been distraught over her wedding photos and video ever since.

Then Diann Valentine swooped in and fixed everything… eighteen years later.

I had some hope for this show, based on the fever dream that it might not wind up a painful hybrid of My Fair Wedding and Queen for a Day.

Also? While I detest My Fair Wedding with a passion beyond description, I do have to admit that when David Tutera gets done planning a wedding, it’s usually a pretty nice wedding. It may be provided with scads of eye-rolling and paternalistic weasel crap, but it’s a pretty event in the end. As much of a complete set of tools as Mr. Tutera comes off, he would never allow a groom to arrive at his wedding wearing a hat that was obviously too large for his head. Ms. Valentine picked that hat. Then she showed up wearing a gown that looked like something I saw Morticia Addams donating to Good Will recently.

And of course this show – like so many other wedding reality shows – wants you to swallow a huge dose of ‘see? it’s impossible to do this without a professional planner because you’re really just a gibbering idiot’ without even noticing you’re doing it. Valentine has said in press releases that if only these couples had had a real event planner on hand, these disasters would never have happened.

Okay, I can see how a planner might have helped in the case of the missing bridesmaid’s dresses. She could have counseled the couple to buy from a shop, or not give over the work to someone who didn’t intend to deliver before the actual wedding day. If the dresses didn’t turn up, she could have come up with a much better plan B than turning a church wedding into some sort of intramural strip club theme… but then again, so could one single random person with their head screwed on straight.

All it would have taken would be one person telling all the bridesmaids to run home, get their nicest dress in roughly the same length as the original dresses (or a similar color, or whatever was going to pull them together visually at the altar), and hurry back dressed in those. Would it have been utter perfection? No, of course not. You can’t guarantee that any five random women – even in 1992 – would all have tea length teal dresses in their closets. But would it have been a bazillion times better than what granny came up with? You bet your sweet bippy, it would!

So, yeah, not really absolutely necessary to have a wedding planner to come up with a solution. And I can’t think that having an event planner running the show would have helped in particular with the groom with a heart condition who flatlined during the vows. I’m thinking the paramedic best man at that wedding was a lot more useful. He got the groom’s ticker back on track with CPR.

So with all of this leaving a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, I have to say I love the story I ran across this morning about Mike and Nancy Rogers. The happy couple hails from Nova Scotia and this is a real photo of their wedding day:

See that burning building behind the beaming couple? Yeah, that was to have been their wedding venue, otherwise known as the late White Point resort.

The eighty-three year old mostly wooden building caught fire while Nancy and Mike were getting ready for their big moment in two of the outlying cabins on the property. The couple still wanted to get married that day, no matter where they had to do it. The quick-thinking staff moved the event to another outlying building that was in no immediate danger, and the ceremony went on as planned… or at least as close to as planned as possible.

This is the second marriage for both Mike and Nancy, and that might have made them just a bit more philosophical about the whole incident:

“Our last weddings were picture-perfect; nothing went wrong. But the marriages didn’t work out,” she says. “Rocky wedding, fantastic marriage is the way we see it.”

The general manager of the resort is also confident that they can rebuild and reopen. I wish them every luck with that plan!

As for Mike and Nancy, I think they’re creating their own luck. But I wish them well, too.

Somehow I don’t think they feel the need to call anyone in to fix what happened to them.

I’d like a word with you over here, if I may, just for a moment in between your busy schedule of exposing the ‘reality’ of weddings to us all.

Stop it. Just stop it.

What? You don’t know what I’m talking about?

I’m talking about the way brides (and the men you identify as the ‘woman’ in gay male couples) are portrayed in your shows.

It would be one thing if there were truly any variety in how you portray us. Then it would be about individuals. But as things stand, you have two ways of illustrating what it is to be a bride in modern America, and neither portrait is either flattering or accurate to the vast majority of women getting married.

On the one hand, you show us the adorably befuddled girl (it matters not if she is seventeen or seventy-three; she is still a girl in this version) who just can’t wrap her tiny brain around all the very, very, very difficult concepts involved in planning a wedding. She can’t tell a canape from a camellia and desperately needs a big, strong wedding planner(/salon owner/cake decorator/florist/etc.) to make everything happen magically despite her utter inability to contribute thoughtfully to the process. She is patted on the head and allowed to cutely dribble in a corner while the experts figure out the painfully difficult logistics of getting her married in a way that won’t embarrass her every time she opens her wedding album (assuming she can figure out how to do that) for the rest of her life. Thanks to the experts, she gets her magical princess moment that she could never have made happen by herself, the silly little thing.

On the other hand is the vicious, sociopathic, potentially homicidal whack job (who, again, can be any age from Diapers to Depends and is gunning for a guest spot as the unsub in the reality version of Criminal Minds) who doesn’t know a canape from a camellia, but will cut you if you point that out. She is unleashed upon an unsuspecting populace and allowed to make a mockery of her marriage before it begins. But once she ties the knot, she becomes magically docile (or at least it turns out she really, really, really [maybe] is in love with the hapless mope she’s been abusing on camera for the past two episodes of the show), so it’s all worth it in the end because she gets her magical princess moment.

You see my problem here? You can’t? Let me spell this out as simply as I can: you’re telling us that all women are utterly incapable of planning a party and staying rational at the same time. That’s the bottom line of all your programming. We have the choice of being thought of as helpless or god-help-us with nothing in between.

Can you imagine for one moment if there was a reality show about planning black tie charity events where every single client who walked through the door of the planner’s business was assumed to be a blithering idiot with no clue how anything at all is done? And some of the women I’ve seen on bridal reality shows being presented as drooling, brainless incompetents say they have jobs where putting on big parties and organizing conferences is simply one of their duties.

Trust me, anyone who can throw a major charity event or put together a large conference has more than the skills required to organize a wedding reception, whether they rely on hired guns or become DIY divas.

And then you get the third layer where some of the worst antics in the history of the show Bridezillas have been committed by women who claim to be wedding industry professionals! Almost every season there seems to be at least one ‘zilla who is a wedding planner who still can’t seem to figure out why anybody should expect her to feed her guests or invite her MOH’s husband. In this case, even if you are a professional, you are still utterly incompetent to handle your own wedding plans! Why? Because you are a bride, and brides can’t do this stuff on their own.

So wedding reality show creators, STOP IT!

The vast majority of women getting married today are reasonable people of at least reasonable intelligence. Many of us have already planned major social events of one kind or another and have some clue about keeping guests at said events entertained and fed. Some of us have already been involved in the planning of one or more weddings, and understand what’s involved. Even if we haven’t done that, most of us are intelligent enough to comprehend the basic concepts once they are presented to us.

Whether we hire professionals to carry out our plans or choose to keep control in our hot little hands or – the most common approach – do a little of each, we are adults. We have our own tastes, preferences, dreams, and nightmares. We are not interchangeable dolls for the wedding profession to dress up however they see fit at the moment. We are not rabid dogs. We are not cautionary tales.

People.

We are people.

And we’d like to be treated as such, thank you very much.

But while I was sick, I used the opportunity to scroll through some back episodes of Bridezillas on my DVR. Yeah, I know, it probably didn’t help me get better any quicker, but it’s easier to watch through a fog, I find. Still, there are enough unspoken cultural assumptions in the show that I find it valuable to me as a bridal blogger to watch the painful dog and pony show.

All the same, while I expect a bunch of abusive behavior on the part of the subjects (after all, that’s the point of the show) every once in a while someone comes along on that show who I think isn’t necessarily putting on an act for the cameras. One of these was Johanne.

Okay, some of her shtick was the same old, same old. Treat bridesmaids like crap and then complain they don’t love her, check. Scream at family members, check. Obsess over tiny details and claim they’re the ruination of her life, check. Repeatedly inform her fiance that he’s a useless, lazy, moronic loser? Check and quadruple check. I expect this in every episode from every Bridezilla.

But then came the tattoo parlor incident. Johanne informed her hapless love, Ed, that they were going to the tattoo parlor to get matching tattoos. Okay, it may not be my idea of romance, but it was clear from a single glance at both parties that they have no fear of the needle. I’m down with those who want them getting matching body art.

When they reached the parlor, though, Johanne had the artist blindfold Ed so he couldn’t see what his new ink was going to look like until it was too late. What Johanne had arranged (and the tattoo artist apparently merrily agreed to ink this into a man’s skin without his prior knowledge or consent) was to add the words ‘Property of’ to the tattoo Ed already had of Johanne’s name on his chest.

And while Ed was being permanently marked as simply an object in her life, Johanne was a few feet away not getting anything about property of anyone tattooed on herself. In point of fact, she spent that time sitting on the lap of the parlor owner and arranging to meet him for a pre-nuptial date!

When she went on said date, it turned out to be a threesome including the tattoo parlor owners’ wife, too. According to Johanne this was okay because she wasn’t actually married yet. Never mind that she’d been with Ed for twelve years, already lived with him, accepted his marriage proposal, and was two days away from tying that legal knot… it wasn’t really cheating since she wasn’t really married yet.

Riiiiiiigggghhhhht.

Ed almost didn’t show up for the wedding, and demanded his bride give him a little truth before they stood at the altar… but caved pretty much immediately without having learned the truth about Johanne’s pre-marital threesome. She did admit to having kissed a woman, but didn’t happen to mention how many body parts on said woman she kissed, the fact that her husband was also involved in the incident, nor the fact that they were guests at the wedding. Seriously? How tacky can you get?

Yep, it was a new low even for Bridezillas. I’m just sorry I saw it.

Oh, and see that huge head behind David? Yeah, that would be Scott’s boss, Conan O’Brien. Scott is the costume designer for Conan’s show. So when Scott and longtime love David decided to tie the knot while the show was in New York – where their marriage would be legal – Conan offered to marry them himself on the show. One quick ordination by the Universal Life Church later, he was legally empowered to do just that.

The grooms wore fabulous brocade jackets designed by Scott and – in Jewish tradition – were married under a chuppah. The one big question seems to have been which groom would smash the glass at the end of the ceremony. Two grooms, two glasses, no problem.

While the ceremony was largely light-hearted and did include several gentle ribs from O’Brien (You never designed me anything like that!), it was also a serious wedding ceremony. Both men got a bit choked up reciting their custom vows. When Scott vowed to “… fill your every day with so much love” I have to say I got choked up, too.

Go here. Watch the video, if you missed it on television. Bring a hankie.

Scott, David, mazel tov!

As is to be expected in cases like this, rumors and blame are rife throughout the media. Kardashian responded with a flurry of tweets denying that she married for the publicity and money (she assures us all the money from her wedding gifts will be donated to the Dream Foundation… though I do believe Miss Manners would council her to consider returning them to the family members, friends and well-wishers who gave them if they are still in good condition, and the last time I checked, cash has a pretty significant shelf life) and assuring us she married truly for love.

“We filmed Kourtney giving birth, Khloe getting married, break ups, make ups, our best moments and our worst moments,” she writes. “These were all real moments. That’s what makes us who we are. We share, we give, we love and we are open!”

… and that’s kind of the thing, Kim. When you choose to live your life so very publicly, people will insist on having opinions about your life. It’s part of the contract. And some of those people will not think terribly highly of you, especially when you have a gigantic, public, media circus wedding followed by a marriage that lasts less than three months.

Kardashian insists that she just got ‘caught up with the hoopla and filming of the TV show’ to the point that she didn’t know how to break off the relationship. And I will say that Kim Kardashian is not the first bride to utter similar words of regret and confusion in the wake of a brief, disastrous marriage. I’ve heard more than one bride say that she really wasn’t sure when she was standing at the altar, but didn’t know how to stop the train at that point.

Look, what you or I think of Kim Kardashian as a person isn’t that important. Frankly, I prefer to think of her as little as her painfully public existence allows. But I think we can all take a moment to learn a Life Lesson from this sordid little tale: if you’re not really sure of the relationship, Don’t Get Married Anyway. A good friend of mine got married anyway. She’s now in the middle of a divorce and bemoaning the ten years she wasted on a marriage that never for one day made her truly happy.

If at any point along the way you find yourself seriously feeling trapped, unhappy, or fearful about being married to the person you said ‘yes’ to, slow things down. If you’re standing at the altar and the words ‘I do’ start to choke you, it’s still not too late. Don’t get married until you’re certain it’s what you want, and this is the person you want it with.

Your happiness matters.