But what if you’re not married to the pillow idea? There are other ways of having the ring make it up front and center.

You could put it in a bird’s nest:

What could be better for a rustic wedding of two ornithologists? Or, you know, two people who just have a thing for bird’s nests.

And that’s not the only alternative idea going for ring pillows.

You could always use a lovely flower:

That one might be particularly nice if your ring bearer doesn’t happen to be a boy.

Or how about a starfish?

Or, if your bent is more toward the supernatural than the natural, you might take a tip from the couple on Offbeat Bride who recently shared their Ark of the Covenant ring ‘pillow.’

However you get them where they’re going, have some fun with it!

Captured by Edward Olive Fotógrafo de boda Madrid Barcelona

Aren’t kids in weddings just too cute? Admit it. They are, but they’re especially cute when they aren’t pitching a fit at the foot of the aisle because they’ve suddenly found themselves staring out into a sea of strangers. How often does that actually happen? Enough to make it a worthwhile topic to touch on, I think. And with that in mind, here are my very own five tips for dealing with a reluctant ring bearer of your own:

1. Avoid reluctant ring bearers altogether by choosing one that is outgoing yet polite, and old enough to understand what he’s being asked to do. Books like 10 Cool Things About Being a Ring Bearer and The Best Ever Ring Bearer can help you give your prospective ring bearer a taste of the roll. Does he seem interested? Enthusiastic? Unsure? Make sure he knows he can opt out.

2. Don’t expect the moon from any ring bearer – especially if you’ve chosen a really young ring bearer or a shy one or one who’s normally outgoing but hasn’t yet been tested for confidence in a room full of strangers. Walking down an aisle with lots of strangers on either side? Easy for most adults. Utterly terrifying for some children. If your reluctant ring bearer makes it from point A to point B without bawling, flopping down on the aisle runner, or making a break for the door, consider it a job well done.

3. Practice makes perfect. One rehearsal is enough for most adults, but if at all possible, have your reluctant ring bearer’s parents bring him to your ceremony venue and show him where he’ll be and what he’ll be doing during the wedding. A reluctant ring bearer may simply not understand what’s expected of him. Kids don’t have the experience to think, oh yes, a wedding with chairs and an aisle and a ceremony then cake. The wedding itself may be this mysterious thing in your little man’s mind, and nothing is as scary as the unknown.

4. Assign a ring bearer shepherd, preferably one who is close to the child. Walking down an aisle flanked by tall grownups becomes a lot less frightening when you have your tiny hand firmly settled in papa’s big one. If this feels too much like you’re asking the parent to participate in your wedding – which you kind of are no matter what since they have to buy junior’s babytux – you can give your reluctant ring bearer the confidence to go it alone by having him escorted to the foot of the aisle by mama, who sets him on his path, and caught by papa, waiting for him by the couple in the first row.

5. Finally, say “It’s okay, you don’t have to be in the wedding if you don’t want to or are afraid.” Some adults are easily offended by children, but in so many cases, a child’s choices don’t have malicious intent behind them. Maybe your chosen ring bearer started out enthusiastic and has grown increasingly reluctant as the wedding draws nearer. If he says he’d rather not participate, don’t force it. No, his fears or impulses aren’t anything like logical, but children aren’t logical creatures. Better to go ring bearer-less than to have a sulking little boy in all your wedding photos or worse yet, a crying one.

P.S. – If it wasn’t entirely obvious, all of these tips pertain to flower girls as well! Or, hmmm, girls who are carrying rings or even boys who are carrying or sprinkling flowers around. No reason why a girl child can’t carry rings or a boy child can’t be in charge of petals.

The two episodes I watched last night were particularly interesting to me, in that they included some really brilliant and some really, really questionable ideas. Take a look after the cut to see what I’m talking about.

Good idea #1: The milk and cookie bar. One of the couples last night featured a bride of nineteen summers and her groom who was only eighteen. I’m not getting into whether it’s a good or a bad idea to marry that young. It’s legal and everyone around them seemed down with the idea. The thing is, they were both too young to drink alcohol. Most of their friends were too young to drink. They were also holding their reception in the church hall, where alcohol may not have been permitted no matter what the age of the couple involved. So these wacky kids on a half a shoestring budget got creative and put together a milk and cookies bar.

Friends and family baked chocolate chip, snickerdoodles, and at least half a dozen other kinds of cookies. These were put in glass jars and stacked on platters with prettily lettered labels to identify them for everyone. Then there were big glass bottles of milk nestled in ice in large metal pails. And then there were the flavorings. Guests could have chocolate or strawberry flavored powder or they could take it straight. The bride and groom even toasted with milk.

If you’re having a dry reception and want to remember those innocent milk and cookies days, or if you’re having a lot of kids at your wedding and want an attractive way of keeping them away from the champagne, this is a fun, festive, relatively inexpensive way of handling the situation.

Bad Idea #1: Don’t have your groom do a striptease at the reception… not even if he used to be a star dancer for Chippendale’s. No, really, this happened. I know it was his fourth wedding, and I know that even at 53 the dude’s still got a smokin’ body (really, I would have felt pretty certain of that even if he hadn’t started tearing his clothes off and grinding his package two inches from the bride’s face), but this is one of the very few things that get a flat-out No Freaking Way In Hades! from me. Save the private dancer routine for the bridal suite, folks.

Good Idea #2: Combine colorful touches from your backgrounds… and don’t be afraid to use ideas from both sides if your backgrounds are different. One of last night’s brides was of an Indian heritage and her groom was Latino. It was an event combining saris and sombreros. She was decked out in full Hindu glory. In the Indian tradition, the groom usually arrives at the ceremony at the head of a parade of family and friends and mounted on a white pony. This gentleman headed the parade on his beloved motorcycle. The reception featured tortillas and goat curry on the menu. There was a mariachi band and men doing rope tricks. All in all, it was a party I wanted to be enjoying up close and personal.

Bad Idea #2: One bride had food stations at her reception. Unfortunately, she had just two and she placed them right next to one another so that getting food wound up requiring getting in one huge line. Food stations are a great idea if you’re doing buffet-style service, but do make sure they’re spread out so the lines aren’t too long.

Good idea #3: One bride provided a double-decker bus tour between the ceremony and reception. If your ceremony venue and reception venue are a significant distance apart, consider providing some form of fun transportation if it will fit into your budget. This one also took care of the dreaded question of what to do with guests while the bride and groom are being photographed from every conceivable angle.

Good Idea #4: If you’ve got kids, include them in the proceedings. Two of the brides last night had children – one had three daughters from a previous marriage while the other had a toddler son with her groom – and both brides included their kids. The one with the three daughters made the oldest her MOH and the younger two her flower girls. The one with the little boy made him her ring bearer. The little ring bearer did go running in the wrong direction at one point, but once shown where Daddy was standing raced his little legs off down the aisle until his dad could scoop him up in his arms and hold him through the ceremony. It doesn’t get more personal than this, folks.

And a Cautionary Tale. One bride had a lovely outdoor ceremony on a waterfront, followed immediately by an outdoor cocktail hour at dusk. Unfortunately, it seems that nobody had checked out the insect situation. The champagne was set up directly behind a nest of fire ants, and as the sun set the gnats came out in droves. That single detail is no doubt why she wound up in fourth place out of four.

I love an outdoor wedding, heck I had one myself! But do be sure to investigate what kinds of bugs gather where you’re having your big event and proceed thoughtfully.

How can I find a ring bearer pillow that has a matching neck tie for the ring bearer?

Oh, you’d think it would be so easy, wouldn’t you. What could be cuter than a sweet petit ring bearer with a little ring pillow that coordinates perfectly with his itty-bitty necktie? Unfortunately, it seems that most people are more concerned with matching the ring pillow and the flower girl basket or the bride’s wedding dress or some other accessory associated with the ceremony. Ah, well… all that means is that your options aren’t as limitless as they are in most areas of wedding planning.

Luckily, Tonia Allen of Me and Matilda is out there filling the gap where ring pillows with matching ties are concerned! She creates unique, well-made, and affordable accessories for ladies and gents using durable, washable cotton (along with silk, satin, linen, microfiber, and more) in awesome prints, and her specialties include matching sets for ring bearers! Allen will even work with fabric of your choosing to make a custom set, but here’s a sampling of what’s currently for sale:

If, however, none of Me and Matilda’s prints appeal, you might consider opting for a basic black ring pillow in something like satin so you’re guaranteed to find a matching necktie. Black no good? Then choose any other solid color that harmonizes with your wedding color and will be easy to find – ring pillows these days come in just about every solid color you can think of along with some pretty surprising patterns!

What can we learn from this? First, I think we can safely assume that the trend toward balance and symmetry has more to do with wedding photography than it does with family or friends. Just because the bride has ten best girlfriends doesn’t mean the groom has ten best buds (or brothers or even close cousins or coworkers). And then there’s gender – I still see the same sex-segregated wedding parties even in now when us chicks have plenty of dude friends (and vice versa). Second, “tradition” plays a big part in this, with brides and grooms never considering that they might have a mixed, uneven, or alternative wedding party because no one suggested they could.

So this is me suggesting it. Before you rack your brains to find another friend you like enough to complete your half of the wedding party, think about why you’re even thinking in terms of halves. Once you’ve wrapped your mind around the idea that your wedding photos can still look awesome without having equal numbers of bridesmaids and groomsmen, it’s time to start thinking outside of the box when it comes to wedding attendant orientation. See, the reason balance and symmetry work so well is that bridesmaids and groomsmen (and groomsmaids and bridesmen) usually stand lined up on either side of the bride and groom. And that, ladies and gents, is that I want to talk about!

There are plenty of reasons not to have your wedding attendants flanking you and your sweetie during the ceremony, particularly when you’re saying your vows at a venue that doesn’t exactly accommodate a long line of people spaced out side-by-side. Which brings us to our first alternative attendant orientation option:

Please Be Seated
I’ve been to at least one rather religious wedding where the attendants did not stand/kneel at the altar along with the bride and groom, but instead were seated in the front-most pews with the bridesmaids all on the bride’s side and the groomsmen all on the groom’s side. This is a great option for couples getting married in a small space or couples who still feel a little weird about having more bridesmaids than groomsmen or more groomsmen than bridesmaids. I couldn’t tell you how many attendants the couple I just described had since my attention was focused on the bride and groom during the ceremony. Come to think of it, this is also a great option for brides and grooms who want their guests to focus on the ceremony (as opposed to clothes and flowers and shoes) or those using an alternative seating arrangement like this one.

Circle of Friends
It’s not uncommon nowadays for the bride and groom to have lots of friends, even very, very close friends, in common, making it difficult to decide who will stand with whom in a non sex-segregated wedding party. The bride and groom who share their best buds might consider doing away with his and her attendants and having their men and maids stand around them in either a semi-circle or even a full circle if their venue supports doing so or they’ve opted for a circular seating arrangement. They’ll be surrounded by their circle of friends (and family, too) when they say their “I dos,” which seems like a pretty memorable and beautiful way to begin married life!

Face the Crowd
Imagine you and your intended standing in front of your officiant with your backs to your wedding guests. Where are the bride and groom’s attendants? Behind the officiant! They’re facing the assembled wedding guests (but focusing on bride and groom, natch) either in a semi-circle curving around the trio or in the more traditional straight line. Orienting the wedding attendants in this way allows the bride and groom to enjoy the feeling of being flanked by their most important loved ones both in the front (bridesmaids, etc.) and in the back (moms, dads, and other VIPs in the front rows). Everyone can still see the bride and groom, including that most important individual, the wedding photographer, and there are again no sides for the couple to worry about if they’d prefer to share attendants.

These different ways of orienting your wedding party at your ceremony work with sex-segregated attendant groups or mixed groups, and it makes no difference whether the bride has bridesmaids or bridesmen or the groom has groomsmen or groomsmaids. In fact, wedding parties that don’t quite fit the usual mold can work better in non-traditional orientations because wedding guests and, later, people looking at the wedding photos, aren’t expecting to see symmetry!

As cute as flower girls and ring bearers can be, many don’t have the patience or the stamina to handle certain matrimonial activities. Think dealing with an empty tummy while the wedding photographer takes posed shots or standing for an entire wedding ceremony. Even walking 50 feet alone in front of 100+ grownups can be a scary experience for shy kids. Not to mention the fact that weddings can be a little overwhelming for introverted children or (especially?) children kept up past their bedtimes.

But all that aside, there’s also the issue of age. Does the two-year-old flower girl understand what’s going on around her? Can you guarantee that the three-year-old ring bearer won’t be scared of the officiant in her black robe of the photographer with his bright flash? Will the infant attendant coo contentedly as she is carried down the aisle but scream bloody murder as soon as the ceremony begins? Tiny tots are by their very natures unpredictable. They may look like little gentlemen and little ladies in their ring bearer suits and flower girl dresses, but their minds are far from mature.

You tell me:

My vote: I’d recommend choosing flower girls and ring bearers who have at least some understanding of the role they’re being asked to play in your wedding *and* the confidence to play that role well (i.e., without tears or tantrums caused by anxiety or fear).

The result of the pseudotrend in my social circle was the appearance of tiny, tiny flower girls and ring bearers. I’m talking about flower girls and ring bearers only just able to walk. You’d watch them sort of wander down the aisle and wonder if they’d make it. Would they lose their already shaky grip on the tools of their trade?

If you decided to reverse the usual order of things and got kids out of the way before tying the knot, think carefully before including your itty-bitty little guy or gal in the wedding party. Some very young tots find being stared at by rows and rows of grown-up people quite disconcerting — many a toddling flower girl and ring bearer has made tracks in the opposite direction rather than walk down the aisle unassisted. For those brides and grooms who simply must include a baby or toddler, I’d advise having someone familiar to the kid carry them down the aisle, perhaps one of the bridesmaids or groomsmen. Or not. The middle ground involves giving your son or daughter (or baby nieces, nephews, and such) a title and a symbolic role. You dress them up, include them in the photos, and parade them around, but they don’t actually have to do anything other than sit around and look cute… something I know from experience that babies are very, very good at!

If, however, you’ve decided to include children in your celebration, whether as guests or as participants, there are a few things you may want to consider in making your plans. After all, you want them to have a good time…and you want their parents to have a good time, too.

Don’t panic. It really isn’t that hard to do. If you follow a few simple tips, even your youngest guests and attendants will remember your day fondly.

Comfort Keeps Kids Happy. Try to choose outfits for your flower girl/ring bearer or other very young attendants with comfort in mind. If the fabric feels stiff or the seams scratch, keep looking no matter how much you love the look. After all, you don’t want to have little children scratching and trying to claw off uncomfortable clothes during the ceremony.

That also means thinking about things like whether a lower kid’s table with smaller chairs is in order at the reception, or whether you need to make sure there’s a changing station available for kids who aren’t yet potty trained. Consider asking your caterer about a kid’s meal with foods little ones are more likely to be familiar with and willing to eat.

If the kids get too uncomfortable, not only will they have a lousy time, so will the people around them. Keep ‘em comfy, and that will go a long way to keeping everyone happy.

Keep Kids Entertained. There are few more destructive forces in nature than a bored small child. Consider keeping your ceremony on the short side and make sure there’s something for little ones to do at the reception that doesn’t involve tugging on mommy’s skirt and whining for attention. It doesn’t even have to be elaborate. Plenty of kids are more than entertained by having a dance floor to slide across. If you aren’t having dancing or are concerned they might need more, then consider adding a table with paper and crayons or some simple toys and games. Or you could take it to eleven and hire a story teller or puppeteer.

Having a child minder of some sort available can also give mom and dad a welcome break that allows them to enjoy the party in a more adult way.

Keep Flexible. Small attendants may be going along just fine until the big moment comes. I’ve been to more than one wedding where a ring bearer or flower girl gave way to stage fright at the last moment. Whether the moment passes quietly or winds up defining the entire event in an unfortunate way in peoples’ minds depends on how you handle the challenge.

Be kind to tiny egos. If a flower girl or ring bearer just can’t handle the spotlight at the last moment, ask them if they want to simply attend as guests. Let them know you’re not mad at them and still love them, then allow them to make the decision for themselves. Some will find the confidence, some won’t. Be okay with whichever decision they make.

Keep Your Sense of Humor Close at Hand. Young children can be unpredictable. It may be that your flower girl gets to the alter and spends the entire ceremony picking at her dress or waving at her mommy. The ring bearer may entertain himself by playing catch with the pillow or suddenly announce his need for the bathroom for everyone to hear.

There’s really nothing you can do to change it, so just do your best to see the funny side.

Keep in Mind That These Are Your Guests. Treat them with the same respect and graciousness as you treat your adult guests. Thank them for coming, listen to what they have to say, and be sincere with them. After all, you’ve invited them because they are important either to you or your true love.

If you pay attention to their comfort the way you would anyone else’s, chances are kids will have a great time at your wedding and remember the day happily.

Some couples like their smallest wedding attendants to look like miniature versions of the bride, the groom, the bridesmaids, or the groomsmen. Other brides- and grooms-to-be want their flower girls and ring bearers to look like the little kids they actually are, and dress them accordingly. While both options fall within the bounds of tasteful wedding attire, if you fall into the latter camp and are planning to have a ring bearer, check out Me and Matilda. The proprietor of this Etsy shop creates matching made-to-order sets of 8″ x 8″ ring pillows and neckties in any of the washable cotton fabrics in her shop, so you can coordinate your ring bearer’s accessories with your wedding colors. Of course, if you’d like your ring bearer to wear what your grownup attendants are wearing, you can also find made-to-order ties for grownups at Me and Matilda.