Of course, not every best man is used to public speaking. Or best woman. We’re not fussy about the gender of the bridal party around here. But no matter who’s filling the role, there are a few tips that will make making that speech easier for the speaker and nicer for the listeners, too.

Speak from the heart. I don’t care whether you memorize your speech or read it off. That’s between you and the butterflies in your stomach. Find the approach that will get you through the speech and don’t apologize to anyone for it. What I’m talking about here is finding something to say that really matters to you, and saying it. Even if your speech is mostly light-hearted and funny, let your friends know how happy you are for them, and don’t be afraid to express your love for them sincerely.

Know your audience. There are two wedding speeches I heard many years ago that still make me cringe. At one wedding, the bridesmaids were gently roasting the bride about her tendency to speak in malaprops when they mentioned the time she meant to talk about an Italian bread, but inadvertently used a technical term for a popular sex act. Yeah, that went over like nobody’s business with the bride’s very, very, VERY staid and proper grandmother. The other was the best man whose speech consisted of a fifteen-minute version of the moose turd pie joke. Not. Funny.

Look, some audiences are good with bawdy – or even completely tasteless – jokes, and some are not. When in doubt, err on the side of caution. Make the most tasteless jokes and references at the bachelor’s party or at your next guy’s night out.

Practice, practice, practice. Unless you are the king of the off-the-cuff tear-jerker speech, chances are you’ll want to give your speech several dry runs before you take the microphone at the banquet table. You’ll want your speech to sound as natural as possible, and that’s easier if you know exactly what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it. If an audience makes you nervous, ask a few friends to help you work up your nerve.

If you’re using a microphone, be sure you know how to speak into it. Most of us don’t use microphones on a daily basis. There’s a technique to it. Don’t panic, because it’s not that hard. Mostly, you have to make certain you’re speaking into it. Hold it several inches from your mouth, direct it toward your lips, and speak normally. If your mouth changes direction, you need to move the mic in the same direction. Otherwise, it won’t pick up what you’re saying. Also, make sure you know where the off switch is.

Oh, and remember the most important thing: treat every microphone as a live microphone. Don’t say anything into or around it that you don’t want others to hear.

Make sure you talk about both the bride and the groom. Even if you’ve decided to go ahead and be best man despite thinking the groom is making a mistake, the wedding reception is not the time to make a big deal of it. Even if you dislike your friend’s choice of life partner, find something nice to say about her or him. If you’re happy about who he chose, obviously that makes it much, much easier.

Think about how long you’re going to talk. Time is a balancing act with wedding speeches. Make it too short and there’s no point. Make it too long and most of your audience will resent their inability to get at the bubbly while you’re babbling. While the moose turd pie joke was utterly tasteless, the fact that it took the guy fifteen minutes to tell it was at least as bad as the joke itself. Aim for somewhere between thirty seconds and two minutes. Less and people wonder why you got up at all. More makes people itchy. This is, after all, a toast, not a Victorian political speech.

Speak clearly. I know that nerves can make it very difficult to do this, but if nobody can hear what you’re saying… there’s not much point in a speech. Enunciate to the best of your ability, make certain you know the correct pronunciation of all the words in your speech, and don’t speak too quickly. You want everyone to hear the thoughtful and moving things you’re saying to your friends.

Keep it in perspective. Look, even if you miss the mic, make an unfortunate reference, go over or under time, inadvertently insult the bride, or drop your notes and lose your place… it’s not the end of the world. While I remember those two wedding speeches with shudders, most of what I remember from both weddings is happy couples surrounded by loving friends and families, plenty of good food, great music, dancing, and two terrific parties. No matter how badly you flub, it’s only one tiny aspect of the day, and chances are most people will forget it pretty quickly. Besides, if you give yourself permission to screw up, chances are you’ll do better than you would if you build it into a matter of life or death.

Chances are you were chosen because of the friendship you share with the groom, not your reputation as a public speaker. Everyone in the room will probably be in a good mood and willing to cut you slack if you need it. Do the same for yourself.

Most of all, take a deep breath right before you go on. It helps.

That’s the vow, right? That you’ll stay together until one or the other of you dies?

We all know couples who haven’t managed that one. Heck, I’m the second Mrs. Twistie! His first marriage didn’t end with a death, but with divorce. Some of you have talked in comments about previous marriages. Right now, I happen to be doing a lot of hand-holding for a very good friend who decided to call her marriage quits after ten years because she has never been happy in it.

I swore ’til death do us part, and I fully intend to honor that vow. But I completely get that not every relationship is going to work out that way. And so I was intrigued with the fact that Mexico City has a proposal currently on the table for temporary marriages.

The proposed temporary marriage would have a two-year minimum term, at the end of which couples would have the option to either extend the contract or dissolve the marriage without the legal hassles of a divorce. The marriage would simply end.

I’m sure a lot of people will consider this a brand new plot to end the world. But the funny thing is, this sort of temporary marriage has been around for hundreds of years in a variety of cultures. Whether it has value is another question entirely, of course. Just because something has been around a long time doesn’t mean it’s either useful or healthy. Whalebone corsets did little for the health of either women or whales, but they were around for a long, long time.

In Iran, temporary marriage has been practiced for a very long time… but virtually all of the marbles are in the man’s pocket. The woman must be unmarried to enter into the contract, but a man doesn’t have to be. The contract may be broken early, but only if the man decides to do it. If the contract is broken before the temporary marriage is consummated, the woman gets only half the bride price promised… even if the reason is the man’s inability to carry out his end of the bargain.

On the other hand, there has been a version that was beneficial to both partners. In the fifteenth century in the Indonesian Archipelago, women were heavily involved in the thriving business of trading in the ports. Seamen from across the globe came to buy and sell goods in these ports. The men were often lonely and in need of someone to help them understand the cultural requirements of trade – not to mention the language. Local women wanted access to choice foreign goods and no doubt enjoyed the companionship as well. Temporary marriages flourished. When the sailors got back on their ships, the marriages ended with no negative social consequences to the women who had married them. Oh, and any children from these marriages stayed with their mothers.

Temporary marriage was also practiced in Scotland – particularly in the Hebrides where my ancestors hailed from – once upon a time in the form of handfasting. In that tradition, the couple would marry for a year and a day, at the end of which time the husband had the option to make the contract permanent and legitimize any children already born or to send his temporary wife right back to her parents.

So what do I think of all of this? Well, it’s not something I would choose, even if the option was readily available to me. When I make a decision, I usually like to stick with it. I think that depending on how the law is written and how society views it will make a huge difference in whether or not it’s exploitive to women.

But if it’s written carefully so that both partners can gain and neither will hold all the power, then it might well be a viable option for someone who isn’t me.

Grandma's gown turned into fabric roses for a bridal bouquet? Sentimentalicious!

Everyone is always saying blah blah it’s all about the bride blah blah. Almost everyone, anyway. And it’s not like the media is much help there when it comes to combating the idea that weddings turn women into self-absorbed harpies. But I know and you know that they don’t. In the six years I’ve been writing here, I have read many touching and beautiful comments from people planning weddings and thinking about just about everyone else before themselves. Which isn’t to say you can’t go too far in one direction or the other. Have the wedding you want, right, but keep in mind that weddings are typically family affairs. That way, everybody wins.

Some brides and grooms in thinking of others while planning weddings go above and beyond he’s vegan and she’ll need a wheelchair ramp and so on, and think of ways to incorporate the past into the weddings of the present. For some, that means a couple choosing a wedding theme based on the adventures they’ve had and the destinations they’ve visited. For other people, it might mean wearing mom’s wedding dress or carrying one’s late grandfather’s handkerchief during the ceremony. There are lots of sentimental touches that can make a wedding feel extra special, from memorial photo charms woven into a bouquet stem ribbon to having the groom’s initials embroidered into the lining of the bride’s dress to making a group vow renewal part of your wedding ceremony.

But that’s not all. There are probably an infinite number of sentimental touches that can be incorporated into a wedding. Me? I was the aforementioned handkerchief carrier. Now you tell us: What are YOU doing to make your wedding that much more special?

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Bling bling!

Tell me ladies, do you have a big fat diamond engagement ring on your finger? Maybe a giant sapphire? I personally don’t, not for any particular bias against them (when they’re conflict free) but rather because I am a ring snagger so I do best with low-profile rings that aren’t going to rip out my hair and destroy my delicates. I do have a surprising number of friends sporting big bling, some of whom I think must still be paying it off after a few years.

No matter. Whether you’re partial to something like Twistie’s silver frog or the 10 carat estate ruby I do occasionally wear (snag snag) or a huge honkin’ diamond set in platinum, there’s one thing most most engagement rings have in common. And that’s that engagement rings are given to women by men. Which is fine and dandy – who doesn’t love presents? – but it does have this weird way of tipping the scales, making people feel inadequate, and switching on the materialism in nice people who aren’t typically prone to that sort of thing. Plus, according to Slate’s Dear Prudence writer Emily Yoffe:

It turns young women — otherwise independent, successful strivers — into passive recipients, waiting for their prince to rescue them from their single state. In what other aspect of their lives do young women so totally turn over their future to the decisions of others? I get letters from women who regularly scour their beloved’s sock drawer, hoping to see a ring box, evidence that marriage is in their future. The ritual of the engagement ring means he decides, he buys, he proposes. Throwing the ring out of the equation encourages the progression toward marriage to be more of a continuing discussion, a joint decision.

What do you think? Should engagement rings go the way of the dodo or should things get back into balance with the introduction of an engagement gift for men trend?

The groom’s speech – yes, yet another in the long line of wedding speeches – is your opportunity to thank your wedding guests for honoring you with their presence, to thank your new spouse for all her or his hard work, and to give a shout out to all the people who helped you foot the bills. Your speech, if you plan to give one, usually happens after the FOB has had his say but before the BM grabs for the mic. You can wing it if you have a talent for freestyling, but the groom’s speech is almost always more impressive if you prepare ahead of time by making a mental list of all the people you should be thanking.

Who deserves an honorable mention? Consider paying your respects to the moms and the dads, your attendants including the littlest ones, your officiant, extended family you’re close to, guests who traveled very far, and all those who were unable to make it due to circumstances outside of their control… but try to avoid reciting a laundry list of thank yous.

If you want to do more than express your gratitude, you should really prep your speech ahead of time and memorize it. There’s nothing wrong with reading off a crumpled up slip of paper – which is how I read my vows! – but connecting with a crowd means making eye contact. Even though Easyweddingtoasts.com suggests opening with a snappy one-liner, what you’re aiming for here is sincerity and originality. Don’t get too funny or too sentimental – your family may think your re-enactment of your first date is hilarious, but your spouse’s family may not be used to your brand of humor. Personal anecdotes are good, and you can win major brownie points with your new in-laws by telling everyone how lucky you are to be married to your new mate.

You could pay someone to write the ultimate groom’s speech for you… the Internet is overflowing with automatic speech generators like Speeches.com and professional speechwriters looking to make a buck. Your guests probably won’t care, however, whether you recite a good canned speech or give an okay speech that comes from the heart. They’re there to support you, not to judge you. You shouldn’t talk on and on in the interest of making your speech a certain length – a minute or two of chatter is sufficient if you’ve gotten your point across. End with a one-sentence toast like, “To my beautiful bride!” or “To the families that were joined today!” and pass the mic on.

Excerpt: iDo: Planning Your Wedding With Nothing But Net

Another pseudo alternative to the traditional bouquet toss is the breakaway bouquet or fortune bouquet toss, where the bouquet breaks into pieces (with fortunes or charms attached) mid-flight and there’s enough for everyone. Then there’s the wish bouquet – the bride still sets up a bouquet toss, but she invites all the women at the wedding to come to the dance floor and make a wish. Whoever catches the bouquet will see their wish come true.

And some brides simply present the bouquet to an honored relative or, don’t do anything with the bouquet beyond carrying it. It’s all good, whatever route the bride takes.

But I really really really love this alternative to the bouquet toss photographed by Jagger Photography because it’s just so simple. You’re a single lady and you want the bridal bouquet? Hoping for luck in matrimonial love? Well, there it is – go ahead and grab it. Just be willing to endure some ribbing if your friends and family are anything like mine. And if you’re the bride, be prepared to take your bouquet home with you if it turns out that there are no willing bachelorettes at your wedding.

What are your bridal bouquet tossing plans?

…I also think I see some wedding wear ideas for the groom who would describe himself as a “creative type.” (via)

That means that brides-to-be get what they get when it comes to bridal showers if everyone follows the rules, so there are those who end up with quite restaurant lunches and those who end up with something a little more… like a wedding?

A practice wedding, perhaps? There’s a part of my brain that, when it sees pictures of luxurious and otherwise fabulously-appointed bridal showers or bachelorette parties shouts “Excess, excess, excess!” but it’s a small part, really. And probably a jealous part *wink* since if the hostess of said shower has the fundage to throw a huge do just for the fem folks, then more power to them.

There’s certainly no rule stating that a bridal shower can’t have a giant cake and and favors galore and amazing tablescapes, or even live music and things like that. A shower is, after all, just another kind of party. But there’s still that part of my mind that wonders if all the bridesmaids involved in the planning could really afford to chip in, and if guests possibly might have obligated to spring for a more expensive gift if they heard just how fancy a shower it would be.

I suppose I have to label myself conflicted when it comes to a certain sort of very upscale bridal shower – and, again, it’s probably got a lot to do with that nasty green-eyed monster, since I do love a fab party! What say you?

P.S. – Check out the giveaway I’m running at Manolo for the Home! It’s for a super cute Dabney Lee desk calendar that will really brighten your day!

(Photo via)

Some brides walk in alone, and I know at least one who walked in a group with her bridesmaids. Others walk halfway to the altar with dad and the rest of the way with their spouses-to-be (or alone). And still others walk with uncles or aunts or friends or a pet. When it comes to breaking with tradition, anything goes, especially in this area.

The only problem? A lot of dads still assume that they’re going to do the walking. Mine definitely did, and was hurt when I told him that I wanted to be escorted in – not, I should add, be ‘given away’ – by both him and my mom. It just seemed so wrong to not include my mom, who did the bulk of work when it came to raising me.

Frankly, a corsage and a seat up front wasn’t going to cut it. So my dad was hurt, but he got over it or at least never brought it up again. Not all dads feel dissed, though, which is a good thing, seeing as that times they are a’changin’. Take Virginia Sole-Smith’s experience:

To my surprise, [my dad] said that he had been thinking that giving me away by himself didn’t feel right; he would want, at the very least, for my mom to walk down the aisle, too. And really, when you got right down to it, my stepmom and stepdad should also be there, because they put just about as much time and energy into raising me. And then you’re trying to fit five people (with me in a not-small dress and carrying a big bouquet) down a tiny little aisle, and the whole thing starts to get a little sitcom-in-sweeps week.

You’d think that would be the end of it, since the whole family agreed on how things ought to be, but then you start to read the comments. Now, at lot of the comments were positive, in the vein of ‘that’s what I did, to’ and ‘tradition isn’t everything’ and ‘how sweet for her dad to walk with her mom.’

But then you get a rather surprising number of quite nasty comments implying that because the bride did not walk with her dad, she’ll be divorced soon or married multiple times or that her wedding was a sham and might have just as well been officiated over by a dove or a tree. Seriously, someone said that.

That’s exactly what is wrong with so many people today. I doubt that you want to have any vows either. Let’s just live our lives as we want and when he cheats on you, oh well, there wasn’t anything there to begin with. How about dear old dad that worked his ass off all his life to make sure that you didn’t go hungry or live in your car, let’s not honor him in any way after all, it’s all about you.

It sounds to me like she has no respect for any tradition as it is. The fact the she has two cats and a P-whipped guy makes me wonder if he sould not be wearing the dress. They shacked up for 10 years and now they want to formalize their relationship. Her dad is probably as ashamed of her behavior as she should be and would not want to “give her away”.

So you were somewhere around 26 yrs old when u left your parents home? who raised you,, at age 1,, 5 ..19 and so on. who worried about HIS daughter all those 6 or 7 THOUSAND nights that he HAD to work to provide aroof over your head? It was your dad, all he has ever dreamed of was walking you down the aisle, but you don;t see that.. how sad.

I can definitely understand that a dad might feel a little hurt that his daughter didn’t want him to walk her down the aisle, because it always hurts when emotional expectations don’t get met. But what I don’t get is why all of these commenters felt the need to make up little stories about this one bride… she doesn’t want dad to walk her down the aisle? Then her husband is obviously both p-whipped and fated to cheat on her, amirite?!?1!

Poor dad, too, slaving away those thousand nights to put food on the roof or whatever (mom was probably just drinking gin and playing bridge in these stories, since no one seems to care that mom wasn’t asked to do the aisle walk)! And the commenters all seem to be telepathic, since they all just absolutely know that this particular dad was secretly dreaming of giving the bride away, even though he was also secretly ashamed of her.

Gah. Stories like this are precisely why you’ll hear people say “Don’t read the comments.”

Photo via – home of totally sweet custom wedding invitations!

But it’s telling that the second most popular poll response was “Yes, absolutely! It’s just harmless fun, so why not?” (followed closely by “No, but I’m not opposed to it. It’s just not something I feel inclined to include,” which is also somewhat telling). What it says to me is that plenty of brides are still tossing the bouquet. For their sakes, I hope that their single friends are as enthusiastic as this: