Still, the other day I happened across their wedding ceremony, and found myself deeply touched by the thoughtful, gentle view of marriage it expressed. In particular, I loved this passage:

May you always need one another, not so much to fill the emptiness as to help each other know your fullness. May you want one another, but not out of lack. May you embrace one another, but not encircle one another. May you succeed in all important ways with each other, and not fail in the little graces. Look for things to praise, often say ‘I love you’ and take no notice of small faults. May you have happiness, and may you find it in making one another happy. May you have love, and may you find it in loving one another.

I could wish nothing better for each and every one of you in your marriages.

Many couples choose the traditional words of their shared faith for their wedding vows. Some will need to blend two traditional ceremonies, a feat best left to the couple and their officient(s) to work out. Still others will work with their spiritual leaders or secular officiants to create a slight variation on a traditional ceremony.

But if you plan to work outside the box and create your own ceremony more or less from scratch, I’ve got some advice to help you write something that you will find meaningful every time you think about it in the years to come.

Make sure you’ve got your legal/spiritual bases covered. Do a little research before you begin so that you’re sure you’re meeting the legal requirements of a marriage ceremony. If you’re writing a ceremony for a spiritual/religious figure to perform, discuss it with him/her first to make sure you’re putting in everything your religion requires. Don’t panic. This really isn’t such a difficult thing. In fact, you may be surprised at how little is necessary to cover the legal bases in most areas. Ask your officiant or look up the legalities for your area online.

Before you start writing, think about what you want to communicate about marriage. When we come to the altar, we already have a lot of ideas about what marriage is, isn’t, and should be. Your ceremony should reflect what you believe. That sounds like a no brainer, but it’s surprising how many people put no thought into what the ceremony says beyond learning when to say ‘I do.’

For my part, I read through dozens of essays and poems about marriage and about love before I started to write. Eventually I found an essay by Wendell Barry that said exactly what I believe about marriage: that it’s a journey to take together rather than an end in itself. I had never really articulated that part of my belief system before I read that essay, but the instant I read it, I knew I wanted it read during the ceremony. I showed it to Mr. Twistie and he liked it, too. We’ve been walking this path together ever since, and show no signs of tiring of one another as companions.

Know your level of comfort with public speaking during times of emotional stress. It may be that you can recite Shakespeare at the drop of a hat and are a noted public speaker, but can you do it when you’re in the throes of intense emotion? Are you fine with speaking your heart through your tears, just not when anyone is listening? How about your intended? Are you going to actually sit down to learn a long speech? Take these things into consideration before you give yourself long, complex, or especially intimate lines.

I knew I could recite vows from memory, but I also knew that Mr. Twistie wasn’t going to spend the time with the ceremony to learn long lines. I kept our lines to simple responses.

Consider what people will be hearing from you. Some things may be meaningful, but best kept between the two of you. This is not the time or the place to discuss your sex life, feelings about past romantic partners, or bathroom habits. I know all of you are far too classy to consider raising such questions in the middle of your wedding vows, but there are people who have talked openly about these and many more embarrassing subjects as part of their wedding ceremonies.

Time it out. I’m not going to tell you how long or short your ceremony should be, but I firmly believe you should have a realistic concept of how long it is before you decide you’re done with your final draft.

Make sure your personalities appear in the final product. Dozens of sites will tell you ‘get humorous’ or ‘don’t you dare put in a laugh because this is serious.’ I’m not going to tell you either one. I’m going to tell you that the point of writing your own vows is to make them about you and your relationship. That means you need to be there in the words. Whether this means putting in some Star Trek references, including a joke or two, getting deeply philosophical, or including something from a medieval tradition, go ahead and do it. If more than one of these sums you up, don’t be afraid to mix and match.

Writing your own ceremony takes time and extra effort, but if it’s the right approach for you, it can also be wonderfully meaningful.

Of course Lolspeak isn’t the only possible language to hold your wedding in. How about Klingon for my fellow Trekkies?

Of course, these are languages that exist only in imagination. They’re fun to play with and amusing to know, but not really vital in day-to-day life.

But what if a participant – or honored guest – has a significant hearing impairment? That’s a far more serious issue.

This really isn’t a new question. In fact, there are references to and descriptions of weddings involving some form of sign language dating back at least as far as the sixteenth century. For instance, this wedding held in 1576:

…and because the sayde Thomas was and is naturally deafe, and also dumbe, so that the order of the form of marriage used usually amongst others, which can heare and speake, could not for his parte be observed. After the approbation had from Thomas, the Bishoppe of Lincolne, John Chippendale, doctor in law, and commissarye, as also of Mr. Richd. Davye, then Mayor of the town of Leicester, with others of his brethren, with the rest of the parishe, the said Thomas, for the expressing of his mind instead of words, of his own accord used these signs :
First, he embraced her with his arms, and took her by the hand, putt a ring upon her finger, and layde his hande upon his hearte, and then upon her hearte, and held up his handes toward heaven. And to show his continuance to dwell with her to his lyves ende, he did it by closing of his eyes with his handes, and digginge out of the earth with his foote, and pullinge as though he would ring a bell, with diverse other signes.

Today, of course, sign language is formalized, though, as with verbal languages, there are regional differences. That means this gentleman was able to say his vows in a recognized language.

If you expect to have members of the Deaf community at your wedding, though, one thing is sure: they’ll appreciate being thoughtfully included in the proceedings. Consider having your vows printed on your program, or even hiring an interpreter to sign the ceremony as you speak it.

Part of being a good host is recognizing and doing your best to comfortably accommodate the needs of your guests. That includes their ability to understand the event as it happens.

Yearly vow renewals: what do you think? Me? I think I would prefer to save up an idea like that for a major milestone, but if it makes Heidi and Seal happy (which it seems to do), I say more power to them.

Changing plans for a vow renewal, however, is not nearly as traumatic as calling off an entire wedding, as Megan McAllister and Phillip Markoff did two days ago. The reason for the change in plans? Phillip is preparing to stand trial in the infamous Craigslist murder of masseuse Julissa Brisman last month. McAllister maintains her belief in Markoff’s innocence, but her lawyer, Robert Honecker said in a public statement on her behalf that “…she has to take steps to do what she has to do on her life.”

Whatever the truth in the legal case now pending, I wish McAllister well. This is obviously a difficult time for her. She has my sympathy.

On a more practical note, I’m loving a feature of the website Project Wedding. They feature a vendor review section. Simply choose the area closest to you (choose from urban centers throughout the US as well as several major cities in Canada, England, Australia, and the catch-all section ‘other’), pick the service you’re looking for, and read promotional materials and reviews from customers both satisfied and un.

If you’re looking for a vendor, you might want to read up on how different ones in your area do. If you’ve recently used a vendor who is listed, take a moment and let potential customers know how you felt about the services provided.

For some time now, there have been web sites that provide pre-written wedding vows for a small fee. Elegant Wedding Vows is one. Wedding Vows Den is another. The content at those sites can be used as inspiration or as one’s actual wedding vows, but do require a degree of personalization. Outsourced wedding vows, on the other hand, are written for you and only you, using details about your life and relationship that you and your intended provide.

The Wall Street Journal recruited a couple to test drive some of the sites that provide this, um, interesting service.

Enchantment Online, a service run by a Florida-based wedding coordinator, provided forms with extensive check boxes, pull-down menus and open-ended questions about their story. But in some cases, the form didn’t allow the couple to specify which information pertained to which partner, making it difficult to complete. Special Occasion Poetry, a service that provides poems for events ranging from weddings to funerals, uses a form that asks about each partner’s traits, hobbies and talents. Ghostwriters Central, run by a speechwriter, asked the couple to answer questions about their history, describe their partner’s traits, and indicate whether specific memories, thoughts, quotes or sentiments should appear in vows; our couple found this service’s questions the most thought-provoking.

The wedding vows from the various vow writers were finished in 6 to 11 days and cost anywhere from $58 (which seems fairly reasonable) to $165 (which seems a tad steep). Would I use a vow writing service? Nope, but like I said, I’m a writer. The Beard isn’t a professional writer — in fact, he pretty much winged his vows on the spot — and still wouldn’t have paid money to have someone else write his vows. As he just said, “If you have to think about all the answers to the vow writer questionnaires anyway, why not just take your answers and write your vows yourself?”

The whole thing feels a little impersonal. After all, there are already standardized vows you can use or even riff off of if you really want semi-personalized wedding vows. How meaningful are your own personal vows going to be if the words you are saying were basically written by a script writer?