Manolo for the Brides

…two gowns, two bouquets, two pretty hairstyles, and two pairs of awesome shoes. It makes me feel just a tad envious of all of the girly lesbian brides out there who are marrying other girly lesbian brides and can ooh and ahh over nuptial frippery with a spouse-to-be who actually gives a damn.

Just look at this stunningly gorgeous photo taken by my friend Oolong (who coincidentally made our kitty cake toppers) at a wedding at Saint Anthony’s Chapel in Holyrood Park. The two brides, Lizzie and Ari, look absolutely smashing, and I can just imagine them having a grand old time picking out dresses and invitations and ribbons for their stem wraps.

Of course, that’s just my brain telling me that the grass simply must be greener on the other side of the nuptial fence, by which I mean the side where there are no FOBs telling future husbands that they should just shut up and get out of the way. I’m sure that the everyday reality is likely far more mundane, with one half of the couple caring more about color schemes than the other on any given day. Then again a study of married gay folks from Vermont revealed that they were generally more satisfied in their relationships than straight folks. Go figure!

As a guest, I tend to tune out wedding speeches unless I’m familiar with both the object of the speech (i.e., the bride or groom) and the speech giver. Listening to 45 minutes of daddy waxing on misty-eyed about his little girl’s swimming trophies for 45 minutes a la Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason tends to put me into a fugue state wherein I eat far too much cake and the champagne in my glass keeps disappearing mysteriously.

The bride and groom, however, are typically quite interested in what everyone has to say because they are the ones being talked about! I know that I was particularly looking forward to the best man’s speech at my own wedding because he’s such a tremendously sweet fellow and I was hoping he’d say something nice about me or us. Let it be known that he did not disappoint, and the air was full of Awwws and little sniffs the whole time he had the mic.

Of course, he wasn’t the only one to take a stab at wowing the crowd, but he was indeed a tough act to follow. The Beard’s mother told a story about car thievery, and an uncle of mine saw fit to remind everyone that he’d changed my diapers when I was but a wee lass. I even vaguely remember one of my brothers getting on the mic to tell assembled loved ones that he’d met The Beard in Nam and that we’re both “slick ballers.”

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When our own delightful and wise NtB posted on the question of children at weddings the other day, it got a lot of response. Some people were pro-kids-at-weddings-no-matter-what. Some came across as definitely not caring for kiddies at the shindig. Most seemed firmly agreed (as are NtB and I) that it’s entirely up to the happy couple to make that decision based on their preferences and circumstances.

But as NtB pointed out in her article, part of the decision should be based on how kid-friendly a wedding you plan on having. There may, indeed, be those paragons of childish virtue who can sit still through a twelve-course formal dinner happily chowing down on fois gras and fanciful eggplant dishes while wearing perfectly unwrinkled tafetta gowns directly after a full nuptual mass and three hours of formal photographs…but let’s not kid ourselves that this is standard. I was a remarkably patient little one with an adventurous palate and a real fascination with weddings blessed with parents who would punish the hell out of me without hesitation if I misbehaved badly in public, and I couldn’t have done anything like that. Heck, it would still take some serious mental preparation for that and I haven’t been a child in a painfully long time.

If you do plan on inviting the little ones, you need to keep their needs in mind. Here are a couple thoughts on how to do that:

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While I solemnly believe that children should be allowed to share in life’s joys, there’s nothing wrong with having an adults-only ceremony and/o reception. I understand that this is currently a controversial and somewhat unpopular opinion.

A BBC News article about a couple in Staffordshire, England that’s PO’ed because their disruptive toddler was ushered out of a ceremony by a frustrated vicar contains some choice quotes from commenters who feel slighted by adults-only weddings. Quotes like:

“Some people” have lost all sense of common sense in this country… banning children from weddings… as if they were some sort of nuisance? And what next? Well maybe if the kids of “Some people” were better brought up and looked after in this country, maybe they would behave better. What a selfish attitude!

“Speaking as one who is often reminded that he crawled through the vicar’s legs at one ceremony, kids make the do. Those who ban them are missing out, and missing the point.”

However, I’d like to drag out that tired old line, “Won’t someone PLEASE think of the children?” I’m well aware that some moms and dads are the proud parents of little angels rather than little hellions, but I’m inclined to think of them as the exception to the rule.

Many people feel that a marriage ceremony is a solemn, thoughtful event that should not be punctuated by crying, parental shushing, and outbursts of “You said there was cake! When can I have cake! CAKE CAKE CAKE!” So let’s muse a little on why there’s crying, why parents must shush-shush-shush, and why all this yelling about dessert.

What do I mean by ‘thinking of the children?’

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If you’ve been fretting because there’s no one out there who recognizes the special love that exists between you and your cat/dog/budgie/salamander/ferret, I have some good news to share. While human-animal marriage isn’t legally recognized by any modern nation, there’s finally a site you can visit to formalize your union.

Marry Your Pet is a service that helps people marry pets because, as they put it, “Marriage is for life when your pet is the wife.” Presumably, also the groom, though there aren’t as many crafty rhymes. All you need to do to get married is propose to your pet, wait for he/she/it to accept (I recommend asking just before dinner), fill out a form, PayPal over ten to 200 British pounds, and wait for your marriage certificate to arrive via post.

Not ready to take the plunge? A site founder can help you decide if marriage is right for you. You can also talk to those already married — at least those with thumbs — on the message boards or browse snapshots of happy newlyweds.

Let’s see what people are saying about their new husbands and wives:

She’s the best brood bitch in the world.

Being twins, I do not favour one over the other, so I married both my tabby boys.

She’d have left if I didn’t commit.

Does it count if the bride walks off halfway through?

Ah, young love! It brings a tear to my eye!

Once you’ve tied the knot, don’t think you’re out of options. Should your relationship take a turn for the worse, you can get a quickie divorce on another part of the site. Pet shrinks and councilors promise to make the process as painless as possible for both you and your pet.

Way back in 1989, the NY Times ran an article about no-frills brides who wore suits instead of the usual gowns. Suits, the author asserts, are for women who want to avoid looking demure or overly fem. Then she goes on to call bridal suits sexy — which reads a bit like a contradiction, but really isn’t. There’s no reason a suit has to be frumpy, after all.

”Wearing a bridal suit portrays a woman as being sure of herself, of having a sense of power,” said Louise Maniscalco, a personal shopper at Barneys New York. ”In a suit, she is dressed the way she wants and not the way tradition demands. It’s having your own identity.”

Many — if not most — brides-to-be reject bridal suits out of hand because wedding gowns are such a huge part of the Western cultural consciousness, but in the years surrounding WWII, suits were de rigueur!

The two happy people in the middle are newlyweds…they’re also my maternal grandparents. They were married in Germany sometime in the 50s, and I’m pretty sure the my gram still has that suit hidden away somewhere in her vast closets. I know for a fact that the suit she wore saw plenty of post-nuptial wear because the children of war didn’t waste a thing.

In these shaky economic times — which are shakier for some of us than for others — I’d urge brides-to-be to consider the classic bridal suit. Suits (even very well tailored varieties) can be a great budget option. They bring with it the advantage of being entirely re-wearable because even if you marry in white, natural fibers can be dyed. Paired with gloves, they are as classy as can be!

I’d venture to say that bridal suits are also a wonderful nod to the grandmothers and great-grandmothers who made the most of what they had and who, without gowns, veils, or $30,000 wedding budgets, managed to look chic and gorgeous.

I’m sorry to say that even though both The Beard and I would have liked to have had a bounce house at our wedding, we did not include it in our budget. Even after my mom told us that we should get one — there would, after all, be kids at the wedding — we still didn’t seriously entertain the idea. It just seemed so…silly.

Looking back a year later, I rather regret our decision. Look at how much fun the bride and groom in the snapshot above are having…and if that’s not a genuinely superb photo op then I don’t know what is. Plus, how many opportunities will I have in the future to rent my very own bounce house? Perhaps none!

The point is, if you’re contemplating doing something goofy at your wedding but you’re afraid of what people will think, forget about popular opinion and throw caution to the wind. As a friend of mine once said, no one ever tells the bride that the wedding sucked. There will always be people who will look askance at your choices — the gluten-free cake, the electric purple wedding gown, the dunk tank, etc. — but it’s not their wedding, and if they have the gall to share their negative opinions, they’ve just shown you what sort of human beings they really are.

While circumstances may force you to make certain concessions, you shouldn’t ever have to subdue your personality!

Our very own Toni – I call her that because you ought to recognize her as a frequent commenter — sent me a bunch of links to photos of her cousin’s recent wedding. What you may not know about Toni is that she’s a fantastic photographer who’s shot a wedding or two in her day, including the one you’re about to see.

Toni described the wedding thusly:

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My inbox is filling up fast, which means it’s time to do an all-purpose dump of all of the great stuff readers just like you have been kind enough to send me. Here’s just some of what y’all have seen fit to shoot my way:

Bride agrees to let groom just do lurchy side-to-side thing during first dance (+5)

During a traditional wedding ceremony in these countries, the bride and groom jostle for a chance to step on each other’s toes. The first to get off a solid stomp on their beloved’s foot will supposedly be the “boss” in the marriage.

McCauley says divorce cakes are in the same category as divorce cards and black roses for the ex. They’re novelty items, usually ordered by a woman to help bring a friend out of her funk.

A Virginia bride wants the wedding of her dreams, but doesn’t have the funds… so she started an auction on eBay. The winner will get to be a bridesmaid at her wedding next April. (GAH.)

A follow-up to the library wedding-themed invitations, in photos!