Money doesn’t grow on trees. Weddings aren’t necessarily cheap. In fact, the average wedding in the US, according to statistics, costs roughly $26.542 today. That’s a lot of money.

But there’s a funny thing about average statistics: they reflect all weddings and none, not any one specific wedding.
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… Jennifer Nettles of Sugarland, that is. Nettles and former model Justin Miller tied the knot on saturday after a two-year courtship.

The bride wore Alexander McQueen, though I have yet to find a picture of the gown. The ceremony was intimate, with family and close friends in attendance, including Nettles’ Sugarland partner Kristian Bush.

This is the second marriage for Nettles, 37. Her first marriage ended in 2007 after nine years.

The couple will not honeymoon immediately, because the bride is a bit busy tomorrow night playing the Grammy Nominations Concert Live!! along with such luminaries as Lady Gaga and Lupe Fiasco. Alas!, Mr. Twistie is not expecting a nomination. Sigh.

Anyway.

I hope you’ll join with me in wishing the happy couple many years of delight in one another.

Diann Valentine is coming to rescue you! Well, if you had a wedding that didn’t turn out so well, that is. The celebrity planner who has worked for Usher, Toni Braxton, and a host of other famous folk is now doing her WETV series I Do Over to help the hapless whose wedding dreams crashed into a solid wall of reality.

So I watched an episode.

The Santinis had been married for eighteen years (hey! that’s how long Mr. Twistie and I have been married!) but never got over the horror of their wedding day. You see, they hired someone to make the bridesmaids dresses who didn’t get them done in time. She had promised delivery on the day of the wedding to the church… and apparently nobody thought that plan to be potentially fraught with disaster.

The big day arrived, but the bridesmaids dresses didn’t, much to the consternation of all aware of the situation. For some reason passing all understanding, when the bride’s grandmother began foaming at the mouth about having the bridesmaids wear the groomsmen’s shirts, nobody pressed a cold compress to her forehead or called the paramedics. Instead, they listened to her.
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Say hello to Scott Gornick and David Gorshien. This, as you might be able to surmise through the festive clothes, joyful embrace, and hail of confetti, is their wedding.

Oh, and see that huge head behind David? Yeah, that would be Scott’s boss, Conan O’Brien. Scott is the costume designer for Conan’s show. So when Scott and longtime love David decided to tie the knot while the show was in New York – where their marriage would be legal – Conan offered to marry them himself on the show. One quick ordination by the Universal Life Church later, he was legally empowered to do just that.

The grooms wore fabulous brocade jackets designed by Scott and – in Jewish tradition – were married under a chuppah. The one big question seems to have been which groom would smash the glass at the end of the ceremony. Two grooms, two glasses, no problem.

While the ceremony was largely light-hearted and did include several gentle ribs from O’Brien (You never designed me anything like that!), it was also a serious wedding ceremony. Both men got a bit choked up reciting their custom vows. When Scott vowed to “… fill your every day with so much love” I have to say I got choked up, too.

Go here. Watch the video, if you missed it on television. Bring a hankie.

Scott, David, mazel tov!

It’s official. Just seventy-two days after the wedding, and long before the eternal loop of the encore presentations (remember when they were called ‘re-runs’ and only watched by sad, lost people too tragically unhip to make time for the first airing?) comes to an end, Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from brand-spanking-new husband Kris Humphries.

As is to be expected in cases like this, rumors and blame are rife throughout the media. Kardashian responded with a flurry of tweets denying that she married for the publicity and money (she assures us all the money from her wedding gifts will be donated to the Dream Foundation… though I do believe Miss Manners would council her to consider returning them to the family members, friends and well-wishers who gave them if they are still in good condition, and the last time I checked, cash has a pretty significant shelf life) and assuring us she married truly for love.

“We filmed Kourtney giving birth, Khloe getting married, break ups, make ups, our best moments and our worst moments,” she writes. “These were all real moments. That’s what makes us who we are. We share, we give, we love and we are open!”

… and that’s kind of the thing, Kim. When you choose to live your life so very publicly, people will insist on having opinions about your life. It’s part of the contract. And some of those people will not think terribly highly of you, especially when you have a gigantic, public, media circus wedding followed by a marriage that lasts less than three months.

Kardashian insists that she just got ‘caught up with the hoopla and filming of the TV show’ to the point that she didn’t know how to break off the relationship. And I will say that Kim Kardashian is not the first bride to utter similar words of regret and confusion in the wake of a brief, disastrous marriage. I’ve heard more than one bride say that she really wasn’t sure when she was standing at the altar, but didn’t know how to stop the train at that point.

Look, what you or I think of Kim Kardashian as a person isn’t that important. Frankly, I prefer to think of her as little as her painfully public existence allows. But I think we can all take a moment to learn a Life Lesson from this sordid little tale: if you’re not really sure of the relationship, Don’t Get Married Anyway. A good friend of mine got married anyway. She’s now in the middle of a divorce and bemoaning the ten years she wasted on a marriage that never for one day made her truly happy.

If at any point along the way you find yourself seriously feeling trapped, unhappy, or fearful about being married to the person you said ‘yes’ to, slow things down. If you’re standing at the altar and the words ‘I do’ start to choke you, it’s still not too late. Don’t get married until you’re certain it’s what you want, and this is the person you want it with.

Your happiness matters.

This is an image from the Toronto Zombie Walk, 2011. Awesome, yes, but a seemingly unlikely place for romance to blossom.

Ah, but then zombie queen Thea Munster (in untattered wedding white, carrying a bouquet that featured miniature skulls) and her unlife partner Adam Invader tied the knot before a delighted audience of their fellow undead.

The bride and groom arrived via coffin carried by a party of pallbearers in Victorian mourning And departed the plane of their wedding altar in a classic car with a ‘just buried’ sign on the back.

Adam and Thea, may you spend many delightful eons together, and may you never find yourself running low on Brains Helper! Congratulations, you crazy zombies, you!

For the last two days, I’ve been schooling you in how to properly word a wedding invitation. Well today we’re going to cover the burning question of how to work the wording when the couple in question is a same-sex one.

Traditionally, the form is ladies first. The bride’s parents were responsible for the entire celebration, and it was often the one day of her life that a woman got to be seriously celebrated. The world has changed, but ladies first is still the rule.

So how do we deal if there are two ladies getting married? What about when it’s two guys and there isn’t a lady to go first?
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