Archive for the ‘Wives’ Category

Love Me, Love My Cat… Times 550

Sunday, May 27th, 2012

When Mr. Twistie and I first started dating, he quickly came to the realization that as long as I was in his life, there would also be cats in his life. Love me, love my cat. Period.

Our good friend the magazine editor knew the instant he got together with his now wife that large poodles would be part of the equation, so he’d better like it if he didn’t want to lose her. Now every time he says or does something that makes her go squiggle-eyed at him, we warn him he’s going to have to stop off at PoodleWorld and get another batch of standard poodles for her. She grins and nods her head eagerly every time we tease him about owing her ‘oodles of poodles.’

Both of these men resigned themselves quickly and even happily to their fates. Mr. Twistie adores Jake the kitty and the magazine editor can’t get enough of the pups.

But the fact is that the magazine editor’s wife and I also keep the pets to a reasonable level. Mr. Twistie and I have never had more than two cats at a time, and usually have only one. The magazine editor and his wife generally have two dogs, one of which is invariably a poodle.

That’s the right way to do animal loving in marriage: keep only what you have both agreed upon and can easily care for responsibly.

Unfortunately, one woman in Israel didn’t get that memo. She adopted five hundred fifty cats to live with her and her husband in their home. Oh, and he doesn’t like cats to begin with.

According to the divorce papers he has now filed, the cats blocked his access to the bathroom, swarmed him when he tried to cook dinner, and refused him access to his bed because they were sleeping on it. When he sat down to eat meals, the cats would steal his food.

The gentleman attempt reconciliation, but the wife chose the cats over him.

What else can you say but, let’s forget it.

Sleep or Sex or Something Else Entirely?

Monday, August 31st, 2009

It’s that time of year again, by which I mean that very special time of year in which I, Never teh Bride, clears out my e-mail inbox. As you can probably imagine, it can get pretty clogged, what with letters from readers (which I can never, ever get enough of), pitches from PR people, and owners of blogs writing to request link exchanges. Sometimes good stuff can get lost in the fray — if I don’t respond to a letter or get to a pitch right away, it doesn’t mean I don’t love ya — which is why once or twice a year I gather my inspiration at

One interesting PR pitch I received a long while back comes from Caesars Pocono Resorts commissioned the site’s creators to conduct a survey all about, you guessed it, honeymoons. Specifically how brides and grooms approach the honeymoon. Basically, found that more couples are paying for the honeymoon themselves, yet they still want to incorporate tradition into their weddings. Boooooring!


What got my attention, though, was the part of the survey dealing with the wedding night. The poll found that almost 20 percent of newly married couples don’t actually consummate their marriage on their wedding night. Frankly, I’m not surprised. Indeed I am more surprised that 80 percent actually do! I’ll just come right out with the TMI and say that The Beard and I were way too tired to do anything other than fall asleep since my mom hosted an after-the-wedding dinner at a nearby restaurant and we made the mistake of attending. Then I think we went swimming in the hotel pool with a bunch of our friends. When we got upstairs, consummation was just about the last thing on our minds.

And we’re not alone. Of the 20 percent who didn’t do the deed on the wedding night, 32 percent said that they (or their partner) were too tired. Another 14 percent said that they (or their partner) had too much to drink. Apparently women chose this answer more than men, but I’m not sure if they meant they drank too much or their partner drank too much. Roughly 11 percent said that family and friends were still around. More men chose that option. Finally, 10 percent said that it wasn’t important to them.

In the interest of finding out if the people got it right, I thought I’d conduct my own poll right here on Manolo for the Brides. Brides-to-be and former brides (as well as their grooms) are welcome to answer. If you’re married and open to sharing, tell us what you did or didn’t do. And if you’re going to be married soon, tell us what you plan to do or think you’ll do. Feel free to elaborate — though, please, not too much! — in the comments.

My Darling The Beard: To Us!

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

I’d like to invite everyone to raise a glass of champagne (or whatever) along with me and The Beard because as of today, we’ve been married for two whole years!

Never teh Bride and The Beard got married two whole years ago today!

A lot has changed since that fateful and extremely windy — just look at the angle on that palm tree — May day: We bought a house, we had ourselves a baby, and my hair color went from red to blond to more blond to neon pink. That’ll change I’m sure (the hair, not the baby) but nothing will change my love for The Beard. Kudos to us, loverboy, and here’s to many more!

The Grand Finale: Exiting Gracefully

Wednesday, January 7th, 2009

Beach wedding

When putting together a wedding reception timeline — i.e., a simple schedule that lets the major players in the wedding and the emcee know when the first dance will go down and the cake will be cut — many brides- and grooms-to-be neglect one important detail. Namely, for all the time spent thinking about when they’ll get to the reception, they never consider when they’ll leave the reception. Whoops! Look at enough wedding photos, and you’ll see that the big exit makes for some great snapshots of the newlyweds. That is, of course, if the newlyweds take steps to plan that big exit ahead of time. Here are six tips that will ensure your grand exit lives up to its name:

Don’t tarry
You can always have an after-party if you’re not going directly from the wedding reception to your honeymoon destination. Unless you actually have to stick around to clean up — and some brides and grooms do — don’t feel obligated to wait around until your last wedding guest has said goodnight. People will actually expect you to cut out before the last dance, so you won’t be offending anyone.


There’s Careful, and Then There’s Picky

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2008

I’ve talked very briefly about pre-nups before, but I tend to avoid the topic because I think the whole idea is a little weird. To me, working out a pre-nuptial agreement is like saying, “We’ll be together forever, of course, BUUUUT just in case we’re not, I want to make sure I get what I deserve/you don’t get more than you deserve.”

Not being overly moneyed myself, the only comparable thing I could have said to The Beard would have been, “We’ll be together forever, of course, BUUUUT just in case we’re not, I’m going to want my William Shatner records and that $4,000 I brought into the marriage back.” Sounds silly, right?

It’s not the silliest idea for a pre-nup out there, however. LegalZoom published a short list of crazy clauses that brides- and grooms-to-be agreed were fair. Pool boys and pets play a larger role in pre-nuptial agreements than you might have imagined. Yes, sometimes it’s not enough to divide assets…domestic help gets shuffled around in the fray. The “no diaper” clause is apparently popular among those looking to avoid children, and some couples even stipulate how (and how often) they’ll have sex.


What’s Up In the Weddingsphere

Friday, August 8th, 2008

Joyful, carefree, and a little bit wild at the edges

8/8/08 is great! For more reasons than one

Hacking the TwoBirds dress

Marriage is more than just the wedding

There’s just five days left to enter to win The DIY Bride

What does a £500 wedding look like?

The five second rule in action

Waddle Me Down the Aisle

I find it fascinating at how little things have changed since the 14th century

A wedding that’s truly out of this world

Nanny’s etiquette guide

Time warp wives?

Happily ever after after after after after after…and after

Wednesday, May 28th, 2008

For Annie Sprinkle and Elizabeth Stephens, it was love at first sight. And that love? Well, let’s just say it was way too potent to keep to themselves. Sprinkle is an internationally known multi-media artist, a former porn star, a Ph.D. sexologist, and “a pivotal player in the 80’s ‘sex positive feminist movement,”’ whatever that means. Stephens is a professor as well as a “an inter-media artist who works in sculpture, video installation, photography, web based media, performance art and home renovation.”

Together, they are two artsy people who have unsurprisingly turned their desire to tie the knot into an nuptial art project spanning years. Love Art Labachtung: sound — is where the pair documents the weddings they’ve had since 2005 and presumably where they’ll document the weddings they will have in 2009, 2010, and 2011. Each year’s wedding is based on one of the seven chakras…the latest one was green.