After all, minis are on trend right now, but – according to Peters – you will regret wearing one on your wedding day for the rest of your life the instant minis aren’t fashionable any more.

Me, well, I wouldn’t choose a wedding look purely because it’s fashionable, but to assume you’ll hate your own taste in five years because Vogue is now showing something very different is frankly insulting. I’m gearing up to celebrate my ninteenth anniversary with Mr. Twistie, and my wedding album makes me smile. Why? Because it’s an accurate and beautiful representation of an important day in our lives. Because it’s filled with pictures of people we love, some of whom are sadly gone from this world. Because no matter whether the clothes are dated or not, we all looked good.

Peters goes on to say we should all follow the ways of the British royal family in picking our wedding gowns. They, apparently, and with the painfully blatant exception of Princess Diana, ignore fashion completely and thus wear entirely timeless wedding gowns that they can be proud of. Well okay, then.

Is anyone here honestly going to tell me that Princess Anne’s 1973 wedding gown doesn’t look like a gown from 1973? It does. It’s absolutely fashionable for its day… and it’s still a beautiful gown. But it got some serious chuckles in the eighties and nineties.

In thirty years Kate Middleton’s gown is going to look dated, just as Anne’s does today. That doesn’t mean either woman should have chosen a different gown. It also doesn’t mean that a woman with great legs who loves showing them off should cover them up on her wedding day.

Fashions change. That’s the point of fashion. Next week, whatever is in your closet now is going to be out of style. So my take is that you should choose what truly speaks to you. That way no matter how dated it looks, you can still look at it fondly.

You know, sort of like how you should choose a spouse by how well you get along and what values you share in common rather than choosing someone based on whether they’ve got a cool job or not. Cool changes, shared values are less volatile.

My wedding gown is as dated as it can be. Frankly, it looks like it stepped out of a production of Pride and Prejudice. I still adore it… and Mr. Twistie. Was it fashionable in its day? No, it wasn’t. Is it fashionable now? No, it isn’t. Is it timeless? No, it isn’t. Is it a perfect garment for who I was then? Oh, yes it is. Would I choose the same dress today? Quite probably not… and yet I still adore it. I still look at those photos happily.

Oh, and before choosing a wedding gown, I would choose a date and venue. It’s far easier to decide what to wear when you know when and where you’re going to be wearing it than to fit the venue to the dress you happened to pick. Peters disagrees with me, believing that the gown should be your first decision. But then again, she also believes that choosing a dress that isn’t utterly timeless will ruin your wedding album, too.

Your wedding is a big day in your life, but it’s a particular day, in a particular year, in a particular place. Spending too much of your efforts on denying fashions you love is just as big a mistake as trying too hard to follow fashions you don’t care about or dislike.

I would never advise anyone to sublimate their own tastes to the whims of current fashion on a day that’s such an important expression of your individual tastes and beliefs. If you hate the currently fashionable halter necklines, be my guest and tell the consultant at the bridal salon that you don’t even want to look at them. If you loathe lace, buck the trend!

But if you are dreaming of a halter neckline, don’t let fear that it won’t be fashionable in a few years stop you from picking it. If you have dreamed for months of that cool detail you saw in Vera Wang’s latest collection, don’t worry that it won’t always be the latest thing. It won’t be. And that’s okay.

Don’t pressure yourself with adding being utterly timeless to the list of reasons to stress about picking your wedding gown. After all, you’ve got to worry about: budget, ordering schedule, fittings, payments, accessories, pleasing your intended and quite possibly your parents, making sure the gown fits your venue and general wedding concept… that one dress already has way too many pressures riding on it.

Relax. Pick what speaks to you. I do agree with Peters that worrying too much about being fashionable is not a good idea in picking a wedding gown. I just think she takes it too far the other way.

Your wedding is a day when you want to present yourself as utterly you. Whether that’s someone who’s always on trend, someone who bucks trends for breakfast, or – as is far more often the case – something in between, you should wear what makes you feel like you.

Maybe someday you’ll look at your wedding pictures and cringe a bit, but so what? Another day you’ll look at them again and smile. You’ll realize that the most important thing about those pictures isn’t whether your hairstyle turned out like you’d planned or whether you managed to make everything look ‘timeless’ but the fact that it’s a record of who you were and what you felt on that one day, in that one year, in that one place, with the people you loved best by your side.

That’s the part that’s timeless, even if one glance at your wedding album tells everyone precisely what year the pictures were taken.

But there’s one aspect of this wedding you might not have heard about yet: it was a surprise to the entire guest list.

Chan had graduated from medical school during the week, and she and Zuckerberg sent out invitations to a graduation party. But when guests arrived, well, Chan was wearing a white gown and veil and the next thing guests knew, they were witnessing the start of a new marriage.

While this approach certainly isn’t for everybody, I have to say I like the concept. It’s low key, so it’s easier to avoid jitters. Nobody is expecting a wedding, so they don’t worry about shelling out money they can’t afford on new clothes and gifts. You don’t have to corral your nearest girlfriends into the bridal salon to argue over which available dress they hate least as a group. Nobody can accuse you of boring them to death with wedding details. Nobody has a chance to object to the aspect of the wedding that means the most to you.

In short, all you need to do is organize a party in a place you like, invite the people you’re closest to, nab yourself an officiant, get a license, and give everyone there the surprise of their lives! It’s up to you whether to plan for months or do it on a couple days’ notice, whether to include traditional trappings or drop every wedding convention except the vows.

I took a long time to plan my wedding to Mr. Twistie. I enjoyed the entire process. I loved sharing my plans with others. But there’s definitely something to be said for keeping an exciting secret, too.

So how about you? Would you ever consider a surprise wedding?

So what do you do if you love DIY but don’t have the time or the space or the talent? Why you go to people who have those things and pay them to do it for you. And that’s where Etsy comes into play.


Your invitations will say a lot more than just the time and place you’re getting married. Whether you’re looking for something whimsical or elegant, modern or old fashioned, chances are someone is doing invites on Etsy that will appeal to you. Me? I’ve fallen madly in love with these hand calligraphed ones by PaperandCalligraphy. See? They’re even sealed with wax! At $4.00 apiece and frankly not very practical to send through normal mailing channels, they aren’t for everyone. Still, if you’re having a very small wedding and only inviting people close to home, it’s a charming option.

I’ve fallen madly in love with these pom-poms of dried flowers put together by EcoLectic Events. Styrofoam free and made of organically grown flowers, they’re completely eco-friendly. And at $19.50 each, they’re even pretty budget-friendly as bouquets or as general decoration in the room.

If you’re looking for a special veil on a budget, you might do a lot worse than this English netting bandeau veil with handmade flower decoration by Fascinating Creations. It’s a charming look, and at just $68.95 it won’t harm your wallet at all!

You can even get a custom wedding gown on Etsy!

How about this charming informal wedding dress by atelierTAMI? At just $530.00 (made to your measurements, corseted bodice and petticoat included!), it’s hard to beat for price or perkiness.

Even if you can’t DIY for love nor money, there’s no reason you can’t have a few custom, handmade touches to your wedding, if you want them. It’s all a matter of knowing where to look.

But if you aren’t getting married in white, that opens up every possible color in the rainbow to you. What to pick then? Well, right now a lot of brides are looking to shades of silver, steel, platinum, and just plain grey.

Grey? For a wedding gown??? Yep. I say don’t knock it until you take a look at it.

Take, for instance, this strapless Aria gown in platinum floral print on a cream colored background shown here with a narrow spring green sash (sold separately, which means you can do without, choose another color, go wider, or choose something with beading instead, if you prefer).

It’s simple, festive, and definitely not the standard wedding gown.

But shades of grey can go dramatic, too.


For instance, this steel tulle ballgown by Wtoo features metallic beading and embroidered lace embellishments. With all those ruffles, it’s definitely dramatic. And in that color, it would look spectacular with the currently popular pink and purple blooms.

Even the seriously budget-minded can get in on the trend with this steel blue Casrin strapless gown. In fact, it can be ordered for a mere $131.79, plus shipping. What’s more, just another $25.00 gets it in custom sizing.

Or you can go entirely custom, like this delicious gown made of vintage cream uchikaki with silver silk charmeuse trim:

White wedding gowns are great, as are ones in cream, ivory, blush pink, gold, emerald green and bright purple. But if shades of grey make a good frame for your face, seriously think about wearing one of them. It can look amazing.

And I know. My cream-colored wedding gown featured silver grey lace trim way back in 1993. Little did I know then I was a trend setter! I just thought it was pretty.

Most of the dresses are white, though a couple are blue or feature blue touches. I’m guessing that at least a couple of them will come in other colors when they get to salons… and most of the dresses inspired by them will probably be available in most of the popular colors for the season.

While de la Renta may feature price tags that most brides (and mothers of flower girls) can’t afford, the inspiration is certain to trickle down to more affordable designers and to pattern makers.

I’ve always preferred flower girl dresses that acknowledge that flower girls are generally very young girls, that are shaped for little girls’ bodies, and that can be worn at other events like parties… and in this case, the occasional First Communion.

Thumbs up for age-appropriate clothes for little girls!

This one from her spring 2013 collection, though, well… I have to say I’m HATING this one. I’m not sure if she’s standing in the middle of an attack of interstellar Charmin or if the entire world just dumped their used tissues on her, but either way she’s being swallowed whole with no escape.

Now excuse me while I go throw this poor waif a lifeline.

Sometimes the surprise is discovering that what you thought was a perfectly simple concept makes no sense to anyone who is not you. Sometimes it’s that everyone else so blandly accepts an idea that strikes you as clearly and profoundly deranged. Sometimes it’s the fact that you don’t react to something the way you thought you would. It might even be how someone other than you reacts.

I think for me the single biggest surprise in the wedding planning/getting married process was how calm I was when the moment came. I was happy, I was excited, but I wasn’t nervous at all. I had no urge to laugh or cry without provocation. I’d always assumed that when the big moment came, I would need that hankie I’d so cunningly slipped up my sleeve… but it turned out I didn’t. Aplomb was my middle name, and that is something that happens about once every three blue moons.

What’s been your biggest surprise? Tell us all about it!

The sad lament of the bridesmaid is well known in song and story, and urban legend, and bridal reality shows, and popular movies… and the list goes on ad nauseum. Nearly every woman I’ve ever known has had a horror story in her back pocket about being a bridesmaid – whether her own experience or one a friend of a friend read about in a magazine once upon a time – to tell anyone who announces her engagement or that she’s about to attend a bride. There are websites devoted to ridiculing horrible bridesmaid’s dresses past. There’s currently an article up on MSNBC about how rotten – and incredibly expensive – it is to be a bridesmaid.

But how bad is it really?

I’ve been a bridesmaid three times… four, if you count the time I got nabbed on two minute’s notice at a Highland Games where some friends of mine decided to have an impromptu vow reaffirmation. Yeah, a pair of Renaissance Scots were attended by a Victorian housemaid (I was demonstrating bobbin lace making in a turn of the century mansion) and there was much rejoicing. And you know what? I would gladly be a bridesmaid again.

Sure, there are brides out there who inflict horrible dresses on their attendants and expect too much. I wore dusty rose taffeta with matching nylon lace once. I saw an episode of Say Yes to the Dress Bridesmaids where the bride informed her friends that anyone who wanted to be a bridesmaid had to be ready to pony up $1,200 just for the dress and the five-inch Loubouton heels to go with. At least my taffeta horror only set me back $35.00 and an afternoon of wearing a color I detest. And that rainbow squeezebox illustrating the article? Will probably haunt my nightmares.

And yet, I honestly believe that most brides want to do right by their attendants. I’ve been asked to help scout sites, pick fabrics, tie bouquets, address invitations, and hand hold brides through emotional crises without once feeling put upon or used. I’ve thrown a wedding shower without going into massive debt.

In fact, the single worst thing ever to happen to me as a bridesmaid was the time my ankle started itching insistently just after I started up the aisle, right when I couldn’t do anything about it. It itched like crazy for the entire forty-five minute ceremony (the bride was Catholic, the groom Baptist, and both traditions were being observed), and stopped just three steps before I got to the place where I could have finally scratched to my heart’s content.

Weighed against one really ugly (but incredibly inexpensive!) dress, a nasty itch I couldn’t do anything about, and having to grin and bear it when the groom’s brother at one wedding told a fifteen minute version of the moose turd pie joke as his toast to the happy couple, there was an awful lot in the plus column.

There was the knowledge that women I loved and trusted chose me to represent the community they hoped would support their marriages. There was the opportunity to use my skills in crafts and hand-holding to make their weddings better. There were parties. There were even presents. Those dinosaur scatter pins one bride gave me still get a lot of use, as they have since 1987!

The costs beyond the dresses were all pretty much of my own choosing. Even that shower I held was basically the cost of the food served, the invitations, and a present for the bride. It was held at my parents’ house and we served tea and nibbles on my mother’s good china. Everybody had fun.

Yes, there are bridesmaids with horror stories to tell. Yes, there are brides who are completely unreasonable in their demands. But I think it’s worth noting that these are, frankly, exceptions to the rule.

Whether it’s a simple homemade pound cake or a professional confection standing five tiers high and decorated within an inch of your budget, most people do expect to at least see a cake of some sort at your reception.

Obviously, one can do without. I did. Mr. Twistie and I served our guests individual fruit tarts. They were a huge hit.

Most couples, however, will not only have cake, they will buy it. But have you ever thought about how a professional cake is made for a wedding? Here are a few fun facts to keep in mind that may help you make good decisions when it comes time to find and purchase your wedding cake.

Wedding cakes are not sold by the cake, but by the slice. Depending on what sort of cake you want, any special requests, how it’s decorated, how difficult those decorations are to do, and even where you live, that slice of wedding cake might be $1.50… or it might be $12.00. Things that ratchet up the price include: blown sugar decoration, cake jewels, fondant rather than buttercream, specialized shapes, extra fillings, and a whole lot more. Really think about how those details will affect your bottom line. After all, chances are you’re getting at least fifty and quite possibly a couple hundred slices out of that cake. It adds up quickly.

Wedding cakes take days to construct. That’s right, days. Don’t panic, though! Yes, the cake under that gorgeous, smooth layer of fondant is several days old, but it’s been well brushed with syrup (often simple syrup, but sometimes with a booze-laden one if you ask for it) which keeps the cake moist and fresh. The fondant also acts to hold the moisture in so your cake won’t be dry. Why do you need to know this, then? Because if you call your baker asking for a significant change to your cake in the week before your wedding (different flavor, different color of fondant, different filling) there’s a good chance you’re too late. The cake as ordered is already underway. Try not to make any changes to the cake in the final two to three weeks before the wedding.

If you’re decorating your cake with fresh flowers you’re getting from your florist, be very sure you let him/her know what those flowers are for. Many flowers you get from the florist have been raised with a lot of pesticides to make sure the blooms are perfect. Those pesticides are often nearly as toxic to people as they are to bugs. You want to make sure those aren’t the rose petals used on your cake. Better yet, have the baker source any flowers going on the cake. (S)he’ll know where to find gorgeous blooms that are safe to eat.

Never buy a cake on looks alone. Of course you want your wedding cake to be pretty. That goes without saying. Still, the most important thing about a cake is that it tastes good. Be sure to have a tasting with any baker you’re considering and pay attention to the flavor and texture of the cake. That’s one detail your guests will appreciate you paying attention to!

Oh, and while this is a little gross, it’s kind of a good thing to know: if your frosting or fondant is black going in… it’s lime green coming out again. Seriously. Just in case any of you are planning a Halloween theme or are really Goth and want a black cake. It’s just a little startling when it happens to you.

Good wedding cake isn’t rocket science. In fact, if you approach the question thoughtfully, it’s (wait for it) a piece of cake!