Manolo for the Brides

I had a dream last night that I was entered into a marriage of convenience with a fellow whose family could protect me from certain individuals trying to get the best of me. The Beard was devastated, but I got to wear a beautiful tiara similar to the Cascading Heart Tiara above. The wedding was going well until the groom’s family determined it was time for the dollar dance. I was like, “Dollar dance? Hells no!”

Upon waking, I got to thinking about the various types of so-called “wedding welfare” out there today. Some of it, like the dollar dance, has firm roots in cultural traditions and can be a real boon to the newly formed family. Others have the tendency to make loved ones feel like faceless investors. According to an article in the Brandon Sun, wedding welfare is alive and well.

It’s always amusing to see the reaction when the concept [of the wedding social] is explained to a wedding social virgin. Some are mortified, seeing it as nothing more than mooching from friends, family and colleagues, while others think the idea is brilliant and hope the trend catches on in their hometown so they can afford a better wedding photographer, honeymoon in France rather than Quebec or get a big-screen TV for the new pad.

A wedding social, for those who don’t know, is a pay-to-enter party for the bride and groom’s friends and family held before the wedding to raise money for the reception. Typically, a wedding social will require guests to pay a $10 entrance fee, a few more ten-spots for raffle tickets, and the price of drinks.

Then there is the relatively new trend of wheeling and dealing with local vendors for free stuff in return for advertising. I kid you not. Some future brides see nothing bizarre about listing the wedding’s “sponsors” on the invitation, in programs, and at the dinner table in order to get free printing, favors, or hotel stays.

Brides and grooms, who used to be content hitting up friends and family, now e-mail or fax generic messages to businesses begging for free stuff. A free massage. A free dinner. A free night at a hotel. A free hair cut. A free gift certificate. A free oil change.

Now, I’m not one to decline free stuff, but I wouldn’t want my wedding gear to look like a NASCAR racer – full of logos and brand names. Nor would I ask my guests to help pay for the wedding through elaborate party schemes. If you’re going to go that far, why not just charge admission to the wedding, for goodness sake?

Even when we don’t admit it, most of us hold a special place in our hearts for Fido and Fluffy. While in my case, the little critters are cats (Kilgore and Moya), and thus not much good for anything resembling ring bearing or the like, a lot of folks have dogs that can be trained to be a part of a wedding ceremony. Or, at least, a wedding cermeony held outside or somewhere other than within the walls of most churches. And the trend is growing.

“I find that about 30 percent of my weddings involve pets,” says Los Angeles wedding planner Mindy Weiss, who has coordinated the happy occasion for numerous celebrities, in an article for Palm Springs Life. “I think it would be more, but a lot of venues do not allow animals.” Tori Spelling’s dogs served as flower girl and ring bearer, and Adam Sandler’s dogs Matzoball (pulled down the aisle in a wagon) and Meatball served those same roles, respectively.

Well, celebrities do it, sure. They also have plenty of money to devote to steamcleaning, replacement rings, and drycleaning costs, should Fifi not behaver herself when walking down the aisle. For the rest of us – by which I mean those who would prefer not to have to go through the rigamorole of training a dog, cat, parrot, or ferret to saunter in a straight line without being diverted by oohing and ahhing guests – there are other ways of including precious Foo Foo in a wedding ceremony or reception.

• Your little bundle of four-legged joy can wait patiently in a carrier during the ceremony and then don a bridal-color-coordinated collar to frolic the night away at the reception.
• He or she can be included as a groomsman or bridesmaid, provided one of the bipedal attendants promises to keep a tight grip on the leash.
• If the animal in question is small and quite patient about being carried, he or she can enjoy the cermeony in the comfort of the arms of a very patient attendant.
• Have a parent or friend lead your kitty or pup to the alter to deliver the rings during the correct bit of the ceremony and then lead the animal way before he or she has a chance to do anything naughty.
• Let pets attend the ceremony but keep them safe and secure in a comfy carrier.

Please note that I by no means advocating any of these suggestions and nor am I making light of any bride who chooses to include an animal in her wedding. Some wouldn’t. My grandfather is of the opinion that animals are animals and thus dressing them up degrades their natural dignity. Some would…to the extreme…by marrying dolphins. It’s your wedding, folks, so it’s up to you.

One word of advice, however. If you, like me, have a pet that won’t sit still and seldom shuts up (Hi Kilgore! Hi Moya!), it’s recommended that you leave them at home. Pets are loyal. They’ll be there when you get back.