I come from a rather mixed family. I have a step-mother, half-siblings and step-siblings. My mom has a girlfriend. There is apparently bad blood involving grandparents that I know nothing about. But, if they choose not to suck it up and play nice when I get engaged and later married, they’ll all be disowned. Step-families and what-have-you can be a challenge where weddings are involved. There are a lot of areas where tensions can rear. And there is a lot to think about.
The prep: Who pays? Bio-dad or bio-mom? What about step-dad? Do they split the wedding costs 50/50 or 25/25/25/25? If future bride and her step-mom are close, does bio-mom still want to be 100% involved? Or can they split that, too? If, due to geographic location or other factors, it is easiest for step-mom to be primary planner, does bio-mom get resentful?
The shower, etc.: Which mom takes control if there is no maid-of-honor to step up to the plate? Is having separate showers okay? Can bio-dad and step-dad get along well enough to make nice at the bachelor party?
The invitations: How can one word them without someone finding something to take offense at? If one says “Mrs. Bio-mom and Mr. Step-dad and Mr. Bio-dad and Mrs. Step-Mom invite you to” will Mr. Bio-dad feel he’s gotten second listing?
The big day: Who gets the honor of walking the bride down the aisle? Bio-dad or step-dad? Or maybe both? Will they agree to that? Who takes control of the proceedings and who stands tall in the receiving line? Does the various assortment of moms and dads take turns dancing with their sons and daughters?
Oy! I’m sure brides and grooms have enough to think about without having to corral their folks. For some, these are easy questions to answer. Some split families just get along. Many people feel closer to their step-parents than their bio-parents. Others aren’t particularly close to their parents’ spouses and so there’s no conundrum. It’s easy enough to streamline invitations by simple stating, “Bride and groom request…etc.” And if you’re creating your own ceremony and reception that reflects your individuality, you may be able to get away with leaving out the aisle walks and dances that can be problematic.
Some questions are more difficult to answer:
How does one start and what should be considered?
Whose names grace the invitations?
How does one keep the peace?
Can one exclude step-parents from the wedding?
As a step-parent, how should I dress?
Can two fulfill the role of one?
How does one avoid disaster?
To all the future brides and grooms from blended families out there, I have just this to add: Don’t let ’em push you around! Do what makes you happy and don’t give in to guilt!