I rather dislike “X things to do before you X” lists. Why the ambivalent rancor? Well, it seems to me that the best examples of those lists are tailor made to make you feel inadequate if you happen upon them after “you turn 21,” “you have kids,” or “you meet Mr./Mrs. Right.” I know they’re just guidelines, but who’s to say that my X things will be the same as your X things or her X things or his X things?
I was once a single girl who wondered how life would change when I tied the knot, and I’m glad I never stumbled upon MSN’s list of “Single-Girl Things to Do Before You Marry.” It seems to paint a pretty bleak picture of married life…one in which you can’t eat ice cream for dinner or throw crazy parties or put your coffee machine in the bathroom if you really, really want to.
Here are some of the highlights from MSN’s (and Cosmo’s, too) list of suuuuuper important pre-nuptial things to do:
Slip one of those furry covers on the toilet. Once it’s there, he’ll have to accept it (and psst, they make it impossible for men to leave the seat up).
Take your celeb crush to the max. Plaster a poster of Ryan Gosling in your hallway, and set your computer wallpaper to a topless shot of him.
Plan your fantasy wedding. Now’s the time to let your imagination roam — rip pictures of dresses from magazines, size up ceremony venues, and try on some rocks at the jewelry store. This stuff wigs guys out if they witness it, so get it out of your system now.
Furry toilet seat covers? Um, really? Those things are pretty gross even when you don’t have a drippity dude using your commode. And celebrity posters? I’d like to meet whoever wrote this and ask them whether they actually advocate adults putting pin-ups on walls. As for the fantasy wedding, I can see planning it in the mind’s eye, but ripping pics out of mags is a little extreme.
Then there are the things everyone ought to be doing anyway:
Set up your home in a way that fits your needs.
Learn how to change a tire and work a drill.
Collect at least six country stamps on your passport, including one from a place that until recently you didn’t even know existed.
I checked with The Beard and he said that he wouldn’t mind my traveling alone if I totally wanted to. He also said he’s cool with fuzzy toilet covers, though I nixed the idea. Interestingly, he did say he wouldn’t mind me “taking my celeb crush to the max” as long as my celeb crush was him.
That’s not to say that these lists are totally junk, but most of them are fairly ridiculous. Why is covering my bathroom in shag rugs so important, anyway? The thought of dating someone who’s totally wrong for me because he’s got great abs sets my creepy-meter off. Do guys hate throw pillows as much as the article implies?!
I’m glad that I lived abroad (twice) before tying the knot, but there are very few things (if any) that are important to me that I can no longer do because I’m a Mrs. If you can’t think of marriage without pining for all the stuff you think you’ll miss out on, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your mental image of matrimony.
Now let me ask those who are already committed: What would you put on a “Single-Girl Things to Do Before You Marry” list?
Live alone for at least 6 months. I am the only one of my (now) married friends who did and I think it allowed me a lot of time to grow up, figure out what I like and how I like to keep myself organized.
I also agree about traveling but I disagree that 6 is the perfect number of countries to visit pre-marriage. Perhaps this is my blue-collar upbringing speaking but who has money/time/vacation time to travel to 6 countries while in their mid twenties? I definitely didn’t although I did manage to travel quite a bit within the country and I did live abroad for a while.
I am guilty of the celeb crush….my college roommate and I had both doors of our 8 foot linen closet covered with Johnny Depp pictures which, though I’ve been married 7 months, I just haven’t had time to take down. My husband thinks it’s funny but he’s made it clear that when we move to Chicago (woo!) in August the Wall of Depp will not be making the move. Which I am fine with. I have 2 younger sisters just dying to take the collection of JD pictures I’ve been saving. 🙂
Honestly, I’ve done much more solo traveling after I got married (though, I did some before.)
I do wish I had lived on my own for a while before marriage. Growing up, I lived with my parents, and then lived in on-campus apartments (part of school housing, just nicer than dorms) all through college, then briefly moved back in with my parents, and then moved in with my current husband. I never once had to worry about rent money, or turning on the phone, and while I am incredibly thankful for that, I feel like I missed out somehow. That might be part of why I’ve pursued so many solo activities these last few years, which thankfully the hubby is very supportive of.
Toni beat me to mine: live alone. Not with roommates, not in an in-law apartment in your folk’s house, not in a dorm. Alone.
Otherwise, I’m afraid that I can’t think of anything that I can’t do now married that I could do when I was single. Maybe I’ve just got a more accommodating husband than the author(s) of those lists, but if I wanted to put a fuzzy cover on the toilet or a pin-up poster in the hall, he’d be like “I don’t see the point, but if you want to, go ahead.”
I would agree with Toni that “living on your own” is an important one. That was something my mom always stressed to us, growing up, that we needed to have the experience of living on our own, figuring out our own rent/taxes/insurance/plumbing/etc before we got married, so that if the state of “married” came to an end for one reason or another, we would know how to deal on our own.
(Not that this was ever a concern, because neither my sister nor I are anywhere near marriage now!)
I can definitely see what she’s getting at when I watch my grandma – who was widowed five years ago – deal with all the practical things that she never had to address before, because her father then her husband took care of it for her.
A labrador named Biff???? Really??? Mr. Twistie did learn very shortly after starting to date me that it’s a case of love me, love my cat, but what’s this crap about all girls love fluffy kitties and all guys love great, big manly dogs with stupid preppie names???? I know several couples who have large dogs because the woman is fond of them. I know several couples who have cats because he’s the one nuts about them. Humph. And a fuzzy toilet seat cover is something I have never in my life aspired to own.
The throw pillows are an amusing oddity in our lives. Mr. Twistie grumbles a lot about how silly and pointless and annoying they are when I admire one in a store, but dollars to donuts, if there’s one on our sofa, Mr. Twistie is the one who bought it for some reason best known to his own slightly fevered brain. I tend to just look at them and say ‘ooh, pretty fabric…don’t really need it.’
Oh, and I only developed the celebrity crush of my life four years after Mr. Twistie and I got married. He has no problem with my racy computer wallpapers of Anthony Stewart Head…and he’s the fanboy who has posters of The Beatles on the walls. According to that list, I’d be sunk for indulging my crush, but the reality is Mr. Twistie is fondly tolerant of the whole thing. We’ve also been known to travel separately. It makes coming home all the sweeter when we’ve been apart.
So my list of things you should do before you get married is pretty much concerned with very practical things. Work out your finances, learn to do at least some basic home and/or car repairs, travel somewhere on your own – even if it’s just another part of the state you live in, get to know and like yourself.
And don’t follow that super-creepy advice about the unsuitable guy with the six-pack abs. That’s just gross. After all, we’d be screaming from the rooftops if someone suggested every guy needed to go out with a girl he didn’t give a crap about just because she has an awesome rack…and rightly so. This is no different.
I would agree with Toni and rabrab that “living on your own” is an important one. That was something my mom always stressed to us, growing up, that we needed to have the experience of living on our own, figuring out our own rent/taxes/insurance/plumbing/etc before we got married, so that if the state of “married” came to an end for one reason or another, we would know how to deal on our own.
(Not that this was ever a concern, because neither my sister nor I are anywhere near marriage now!)
I can definitely see what she’s getting at when I watch my grandma – who was widowed five years ago – deal with all the practical things that she never had to address before, because her father then her husband took care of it for her.
1. Live alone.
2. While still single (by which I mean absolutely no special someone in your life), have some sort of sexual or romantic encounter that makes you blush when you think of it afterwards, and that is to be kept forever secret from your future husband/spouse. Whether it’s kissing a random stranger at a bar, flirting with someone highly inappropriate, or playing strip poker with several members of the Swedish Navy (not that I’ve done that…ahem), it’s fun to retain a teeny-tiny bit of mystery about your past. Besides, you have to have SOMETHING with which to shock your grandkids when you’re 90.
I did live on my own before I married, for a year and a half, and found it very lonely.
Honestly, that list is stupid. Most of the things on it are things I could still do if I wanted to, and the rest are things I wouldn’t do anyway. My husband loves my cat and my interior decorating sense, and would probably be thrilled if I suggested ice cream and soda for dinner (I know he had Hershey kisses and Perrier for breakfast once when I wasn’t home–ick!).
Hmmm…I don’t know what happened to my earlier comment, but it seems to have been consumed by the ether. Ah well, here I go again:
I think this list is beyond ridiculous. Men like big dogs with stupid, preppy names and women like fluffy kitties? Funny, I know quite a few couples who have large dogs because the woman adores them and several couples who have a cat because he – like me – doesn’t know how to live without one. And I have never aspired to own a furry toilet seat cover. Just…no.
Funnily enough, while I’m the one more likely to look and say ‘ooh, pretty’ about a throw pillow in a store, if we have one on our sofa it’s dollars to donuts that Mr. Twistie bought it for some reason best known to his own slightly fevered brain. I tend to note how pretty the fabric is and put them back. Mr. Twistie brings them home and then complains about them.
My One True Celebrity Crush only began about four years after Mr. Twistie and I tied the knot. He doesn’t care that I have pretty, sexy pics of my crush on my desktop. I don’t complain about his Beatles obssession. Our bedroom is full of autographed photos of characters from our favorite Sci-Fi shows…including two that include my crush.
We have both taken any number of trips on our own since we got married. Coming home is all the sweeter because we’ve missed each other so much.
So what do I think everyone should do before they get married? And I do think everyone of both genders should do these things:
1: get your money in order.
2: travel somewhere on your own, even if it’s just another town in your homestate.
3: learn to do at least a couple minor, basic repairs on your home and/or car.
4: get to know and really like yourself.
Anything else is up to you as an individual. But if marrying someone makes you feel you can’t do something as basic and trivial as having snack food for one meal or put up one small piece of decoration without a battle, then you’re marrying the wrong person.
And that six-pack ab thing squicked the hell out of me! After all, we’d all be up in arms if we saw one of these lists directed at men and it said every man should have a mindless affair with a huge-breasted woman purely because of her amazing rack before he settles down. Color me icked out.
“Date a guy who’s totally wrong for you just because he has amazing abs.” –So let me get this straight, I’m supposed to break up with this hot, bemuscled hunk (who will just fall into my arms, by the way) for my boring husband who won’t let me buy million-dollar purses and shoes? So not happening.
(Just for the record, I personally would never–single or no– buy a purse “worth the GDP of a small country.”)
This list is mostly redunkulous. I agree with you about the tire changing/drill using rule, but MY FIANCE is the cat afficionado who eats weird things for dinner and cares what I’m wearing under my clothes. If you have to compromise so many of your “important” lifestyle choices when you get married, why bother?
When I was considering getting married a few years ago my dad sent me a couple of articles that I think had very good ideas. The first is from the Wall Street Journal and lists questions about money that engaged couples should ask themselves/each other and discuss. (WSJ) The second was from the New York Times and listed other questions couples should discuss before marriage, as they are issues likely to cause tension and decrease satisfaction in the relationship. (NYT)
My dad also sent the same articles to my younger sister (who was not thinking about getting married any time in the near future) because he thought it was a good idea for single men and women to think about what they want/expect in a relationship or marriage and to know on which issues they can and cannot compromise. He wasn’t advocating being inflexible, but rather encouraging us to get to know what we really want and feel is important in life as a single adult, in a marriage, or as a family.
Maybe go to grad school before you marry? It was pretty time consuming and we students didn’t have much to talk about with the spouses, although now that I think about it, I am still friends with Paul and his wife Karen, so maybe this isn’t such great advice.
If you want to be a Peace Corps volunteer, it’s easier to do it single than married just because it’s harder for PC to find placements where the skills of both spouses are needed.
well, i’m glad i can rest assured knowing that i can check of “have ice cream for dinner” from my list. i did find a lot of that stuff useless but aren’t most of these kinds of lists useless anyway?
Definitely live alone. As for grad school, or school in general, study abroad. I’m still figuring out how I’m going to squeeze that one in. Definitely date somebody totally wrong for you–that makes you appreciate the one you’re marrying so much more. But not for the abs–that’s ridiculous.
My DF is actually the one buying me absurdly expensive heels. He likes indulging me because God knows I’m not buying Kate Spades on a nonprofit salary!!! And what the heck is wrong with Labs? Our 10-month old Lab puppy is adorable. I didn’t grow up with cats, so I’d much rather have a dog–I know what to do with them.
Where are my comments going? I’ve commented on the last 4 posts and none of them have showed up!! Argh!!
Sorry to all who had commenting problems today — for some reason the spam catcher was extra insane today and caught all sorts of things that were not spam.
JaneC, about living alone: You don’t need to like it, and you don’t need to do it for over six months, but I do think that it gives you a set of experiences that it’s easier to avoid if you have always had someone else around. Things like negotiating with the landlord about repairs and decorating, dealing with service people, and handling minor repairs. My first live-in moved in with me straight out of the dorms at college and it took him a while to realize that he had to plan ahead to do laundry, because the laundry room in the apartment building closed at 11:00pm. The one in the dorms had been in the basement and open all the time, so he could run laundry at 3:00 am if that’s when he realized that he was out of clean underwear. Before that, he’d been at home, and his mom made sure that the laundry was done.
I did think of one thing that it’s hard to do once you’re married, but I don’t know that it’s something everyone should do: take a spur-of-the-moment, I’m-going ————> thatway-until-I-get-tired-of-driving-or-find-something-interesting roadtrip
I can’t think of much that I’d recommend before someone got married–maybe more slumber parties–but I could make a big list of things to do before you have kids.
I could never live alone. I’m a social person and I wouldn’t be happy living alone. In my adult life I’ve lived with my mother, in a dorm and with my boyfriend but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to pay my own bills. If living with Mr. Right means that you don’t how to pay your bills or use a drill you’ve got issues that go deeper than the fact that you never lived alone.
Perhaps I’ll change my mind later (I’m only 22) but I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. If anything I get to things that my peers don’t because my life has more financial and emotional stability. That includes travel and buying throw pillows. (He’s another one that says “I don’t see the point, but if you want to, go ahead.â€)
Rabrab–I assure you that living with other people never meant that I didn’t learn how to do my taxes, negotiate with landlords, or make minor home repairs. I negotiated with the landlord when I had roommates, and I learned to do my taxes and make home repairs when I was in high school, and none of those duties have stopped since I married. Maybe some women are content to let the men in their lives handle those things, but my husband and I have little need for “traditional” male and female household roles–he likes to cook, and I wield the power drill.
You’re right that it’s easier to avoid those things if you have another person living with you, but that can be solved by adjusting your attitude and by the person that lives with you not allowing you to pawn all the dirty jobs off on them. Living alone not required.
I’m with JaneC — I did live alone for a year (and liked it OK) but I learned the most about paying bills, decorating, dealing with the landlord/superintendent, and home repairs living with a roommate in an apartment building with, um, let’s say “a lot of character.” “Living with someone” doesn’t always mean “living with someone who does all of life’s dirty work for you.”
On a related note: parents, before you let your kids move out of the house, make sure they know how to plunge a toilet! I was the only one of my college roommates who knew how to do this. It is an absolutely essential skill.
Perhaps the most important thing a single girl can do “before she gets married” is to accept that she might never be married — and that that’s not a sign of failure or a tragedy.
Marriage isn’t right for some people, and it just doesn’t happen for others, and basing one’s life on speculations and “somedays” isn’t the best thing for anybody.
I do agree that living alone is worth trying, perhaps especially if you doubt you can handle it. Of course, I’ve lived alone for 21 years, and am no longer fit to live with anything but a cat =^..^=
There are a lot of things I envy about my single girlfriends’ lives: their freedom, spur-of-the-moment fun and reckless affairs. But even with the obvious need to negotiate smaller and larger decisions, double limitations for moving abroad and lacking the previous freedoms, I think I’m better off. The pros of being single don’t suit everybody.
I did try the hunk with the abs, I did drool over band posters, I did study abroad. But the most important things from before this relationship, meaning the things that let me know this time it’s right, were (1.) living alone and (2.) living with someone who was wrong for me. He was a great guy but totally unsuitable with my personality for mental and practical reasons, but when I was with him I didn’t know how much easier it could be with someone else due to lack of experience.
Of course it sounds weird to wish for something that’s “wrong” but I really think I learned so much from those years. After that high school sweetheart relationship I lived alone for about a year, learned a whole lot about myself, as in grew up, and got ready for where I am now (getting married).
Apart from those previously mentioned things I don’t see what I would ever need or want to do that I couldn’t as a Mrs. 😛
I agree with Tizzy; I didn’t live alone and never liked the idea. I lived with roommates, and that was good enough for me. I hope to remain a competent enough member (read: half) of my household so that at any given point, I can do anything the house requires short of lifting sofas single-handedly.
The rest of it is dumb. I got married because the man I married fits my lifestyle, and I fit his. I didn’t sacrifice anything for him except for possibly dating other guys, but why would I want to date other guys when I’d already found the one who was right for me? If I really wanted fuzzy wallaper in the kitchen or whatever and it was important enough to me, I could probably still have it. And stamps on a passport? We’ll do it together, or I’ll go with a friend, or whatever happens to work out! Marriage isn’t really much of a limitation to life.
These lists really do both you. The line about your dad taking you out to dinner REALLY bothered me. How about taking your parents out to dinner and pay for it!! Not play “how deep is Daddy’s wallet!” I agree these lists are bogus.