Ah, the old one about the groom having to be dragged kicking and screaming to the altar. I’m going to guess that most of us (guys included – maybe especially guys) would like to see this stereotype hit the road. Some dudes want to get married. Some don’t. Just like some chicks want to get hitched and some don’t. Sometimes the don’ts become dos, but to suggest that they had to be coerced into making a lifetime commitment is just insulting.
That said, some guys – and some gals – do end up having to be dragged kicking and screaming into wedding planning. It sucks for the other half of the engaged couple, but that doesn’t make it any less true. I know plenty of people who were born to plan, and by that I mean anything. Plan a wedding? Sure. Plan your grandmother’s 80th birthday even though they’ve never met just because planning is fun? Yes! I also know people who couldn’t plan their way out of a paper bag. Plan tomorrow’s breakfast menu? Oh em gee, you’re killing me, stop trying to control my life!
So what’s the problem? Shouldn’t things simply fall into place with the planning junkie salivating over 100000 catering menus while the free spirit gets distracted by something shiny? Hardly. Even the most dedicated Type-A can start to feel overwhelmed when planning a wedding all alone. After all, they’re not just planning a wedding for one! The future Mr(s). So-and-So should also presumably enjoy the wedding, but if the future Mr(s). So-and-So isn’t pitching in with at least an opinion now and then… potential conflict! So let’s brainstorm some compromises and solutions for all the folks whose SOs just don’t seem to watch to pitch in. (Note: For simplicity’s sake, I’m going to assume it’s the groom who’s not doing his fair share, but know that I recognize that it could just as easily be a bride. Adjust your pronouns as necessary.)
He’s Not Kidding When He Says He Doesn’t Care
Some guys don’t have a lot of opinions when it comes to food, music, or alcohol. If it’s easily accessible, whatever it is, life is good. Not to mention things like wedding favors, chair sash colors, or wedding flowers, which don’t often make it onto guy radar… or really onto anyone’s radar who’s never had a reason to plan a really big fancy party. You may be really concerned about whether the cloth napkins on your reception tables will match the votive candles on the sweetheart table, but know that many people are incapable of even seeing a detail like that. You can’t make ’em give a fig. I wouldn’t let my groom off the hook if he said he didn’t have any opinions about the wedding at all, but I might cut him some slack when it came to details that bore him. Then I’d make sure he had plenty of planning on his plate in the areas he does care about (even if it’s only a little).
He’s Afraid of Wedding Planning
You may scoff at the idea that the guy who kills all the spiders (or puts them gently outside using nothing but his hands) and watches slasher flicks could be scared of anything, but the truth is that weddings put some people on edge. Oh, they’re not afraid of overpriced floral arrangements or speaking in front of 100 people without flubbing a word. It’s more than the wedding and the wedding planning become an easy scapegoat for that fearful thing that is a lifetime commitment. Which isn’t to say that he’s “afraid of commitment” in the traditional sense. Getting married is a huge deal and maybe should be taken more seriously, but it’s way more culturally acceptable to be like “Wedding planning is icky and gross!” than “I have concerns about how getting married will change me.” If you suspect this is the case, be nice about it, but make it clear that you do need help and won’t accept not getting it.
He Thinks You’ll Reject His Ideas
The wedding magazines are marketed toward and written for the ladiez. The assumption is that the bride is the point of orientation around which the wedding will orbit, with the groom being nothing more than another satellite. Flowers? Check. Favors? Check. Bridal shoes? Check. Groom? Where’s the groom? Oh, there. Check. The bride is shopping, bookmarking, reading the wedding planning how-tos, trying on this, tasting that… frequently with her mom, best friend, and sisters (and not the groom) in tow. Is it any wonder that the guy does nothing but shrug when the topic of wedding planning comes up? Frustrated? First, consider whether you’ve actually asked for his opinion, making it clear that you really want to know what he thinks about the boutonnieres or the apps menu. Okay, you have. Step three is letting him know that you want this to be his wedding, too, not just a big ol’ bridey party.
He’s Been Told He Shouldn’t Care
The easiest way for a confirmed MAN’S MAN to end up with an in-your-face feminine wedding is to not lift a finger to help plan that wedding. I’d like to ask all the people who are still happily married but don’t look back fondly upon their weddings whether they enjoyed it… felt like an important part of it… helped plan it. Let’s say your SO is saying things like “It’s your day, baby,” and “You know what I like, right?” then stepping back, ostensibly to get out of the way of your wedding-obsessed whirlwind. The could be a coded way of making it clear that weddings are unmanly (or that caring about a wedding is not something a good feminist should do). That’s when you step in to remind them that, no, it’s really not.
He’s Not Very Organized By Nature
Even though knowing your partner isn’t very excited about planning your wedding is incredibly freakin’ frustrating, it’s at least reassuring to know that it’s not because they’re less than thrilled about getting hitched. When the bride is the organized one, the groom may feel that he ought not try to take anything on for fear of messing it up. Weddings, after all, are rather mysterious things to the uninitiated. One possible solution involves sitting down together with a wedding planning timeline so that your addle-brained other half gets a feel for what needs to be done and when. Those who really want the help but are marrying the ‘disorganized partner’ may even need to delegate and give deadlines and basically be the boss when it comes to planning, which isn’t always fun.
He Thinks He’s Doing You a Favor by Letting You Take the Lead
Letting me do everything myself? How… sweet. I guess I can see how a guy (especially when prompted by an old school Father of the Bride) might feel like he’s being a super rad boyfriend by giving you whatever you want when it comes to the wedding. Unfortunately, getting everything you want often means taking the time and making the effort to choose and then track down everything you want, some of which isn’t easy to get and requires multiple trips to a shop that’s not-so-conveniently located 100 miles away. The simplest way to get around this is to thank your SO for being so damn sweet (grit your teeth, if necessary) and then explain that even though you don’t mind the wedding being all about you, the wedding planning needs to be all about both of you if it’s ever going to get done.
What a great article! I agree with the point on having him (or her) provide input on the items that matter most, but allow some slack in other areas. Another idea is to offer up options. Give a few choices to pick from – but do all the legwork of narrowing it down first!
Give them a limited number of options to choose from… I like it!