The bullets I take for you people.
Okay, okay, I admit it. I’ve always had a bit of a thing when it comes to Tori Spelling. Pretty much my favorite tacky pleasure (and I do have more than a couple) is watching Tori Spelling get gutted like a fish on Lifetime Movie channel. The best part is the impassioned speech at the end about how everyone – including the victim – is to blame in her death with one, lone exception: Kellie Martin who actually does the gutting. Love it!
So when I came to the conclusion that I could no longer put off checking out Tori & Dean: sTORIbook Weddings (Yes, they really do spell it with a lower case s, an i instead of a y, and her name all in caps. I did not make that up), I was prepared to spend the time longing for Kellie Martin to make an unscheduled appearance and not be guilty again… but maybe of slapping Tori in the face with a moldy mackerel rather than outright murder. What? I’m not a total monster! I’m not really in favor of murdering anyone at all.
All in all, it wasn’t quite that bad, though there were a couple moments when I had a lazy desire for a spork to consider using on myself.
Look, don’t come to this show looking for wedding planning tips. It doesn’t really have any to give. You might see a color scheme or a design detail that you want to work into your own celebration, but that’s about it for the hardcore wedding planner. Logistics, costs, instructions, tips for setting priorities… yeah, there isn’t any of that. It’s purely a love letter to Tori for being fabulous.
In fact, Dean is pretty much a wash here. He tells Tori over and over that she’s wonderful, but in practical terms… well, in the episode I saw he made some boxes for rose petals for the guests to shower the bride and groom during their recessional, and he took the bride race car driving to help her build her decision making skills… or maybe just because he likes driving fast cars. We didn’t see much footage of the event, and the bride seemed little better at making up her mind about anything afterwards, so maybe it was just an exercise in ‘we have to show Dean doing something to justify his presence on the show’ after all. I hope he does something on another episode, but I’m not sure I’m going to bother to find out.
So with all this negativity and bile, do I have anything at all positive to say about the hour I spent watching this show? Surprisingly enough, I do. As much as I detest shows dedicated to fawning over a celebrity for being fabulous, there was one thing about Tori’s wedding planning service that I really, honestly did appreciate: her attitude.
This is entirely separate from the show’s attitude. The show is having a special private moment with the fantasy of Tori Spelling. It’s kind of embarrassing. Tori, however, does seem to have her priorities straight: she’s all about giving the couple the wedding they want. There are no fights with Tori about whether the couple’s vision is tasteful or not, whether it could be better if only they would allow Tori to make the major decisions for them. No, in fact her biggest frustration in the entire process (even bigger than trying to find the bride the Vera Wang gown she wanted that has been out of production for a couple years) was that the bride was very good at saying no to things she didn’t like, but really, really bad at explaining what it was she did want. And if the bride was faced with an imperfect but not awful (in her eyes) option, she couldn’t make up her mind even if Kellie Martin was fast approaching with a sharp implement in her hand.
In the end, of course, Tori cracks the bride’s code, figures out what Brenda wants, the wedding is everything the couple wanted, and everyone lives happily ever after.
Will I watch again? Probably not. Did I enjoy the show? Well, as I said there was one small aspect I really did like… but I don’t see a lot of point to the whole exercise. It’s not about wedding planning, and even if this show did manage to poke a small hole in my unreasoning hate on for Tori Spelling, it has little to offer other than a fawning fondness for her that I’m not especially interested in sharing.
If you decide you want to check it out, though, you can tune in to Oxygen on Wednesday night, 11pm 10pm Central.