Manolo for the Brides

Stop it. Just stop it.

This:

Is not likely to work very well.

First off, she left you.

I don’t know why she left, but when a woman actually walks out the door, that usually means the relationship is pretty broken. This is probably about a lot more than toilet seats left up or garbage not taken out. If it isn’t about more than that, then do you really want her back? I’m just asking.

It isn’t that I don’t feel your pain. I do. I’m guessing that virtually everyone over the age of twenty has made some grand, foolish gesture to get someone back in their lives, and I’m certainly no exception.

But you know what? Grand, foolish gestures work a lot more reliably in movies than they do in real life. Most of all, a very public proposal combined with a cringing apology? Yeah, that’s not the most romantic gesture you could make. Apologies combined with proposals tend to make women wonder whether it’s that you want to get married, or whether you just think an engagement ring will get you out of the dog house. If Mr. Twistie had proposed to me in the middle of a groveling apology, he would be a single man today.

Face it, man, you blew it. Apologize, sure. Ask for a second chance, okay. But wait until you and Linda have fixed what was broken before you propose.

It shows a lot more respect for both of you than this does.

I never spent a lot of time worrying about how I would be proposed to. I know there are women with very specific dreams and fantasies about the big moment when someone asks them to spend the rest of their lives together, but I wasn’t one of them. I was more than satisfied with a brief conversation in an all-night diner, because even though it wasn’t one of the more hearts-and-flowers moments of our lives, the actual conversation showed that Mr. Twistie had been thinking a lot about things that would make me happy. He just didn’t put those thoughts into flowery words or concern about a particularly romantic setting to say them in.

There are, however, those who put too much thought into the theatricality of proposing marriage. They concern themselves entirely too much with making a huge splash, and not enough about the feelings of the person they wish to propose marriage to.

One of these people is named Alexy Bykov. That’s him with his new fiancee – now wife – Irena. Yes, the massive amounts of fake blood were integral to the proposal he set up.

Bykov actually decided to prove to Irena that she ‘loved him to death’ by faking his own grisly demise by the side of the road. Said Bykov:

‘I wanted her to realise how empty her life would be without me and how life would have no meaning without me.’

Seriously, dude? Her life has no meaning without you? You do realize you’re telling her she’s utterly worthless there, don’t you? I love Mr. Twistie to death and back again, and he feels the same about me. But I do have value and meaning in my own right, just as he does. Each of us would be devastated to lose the other, but find a way to carry on, nonetheless.

Feminist ranting and all logic aside, however, Bykov hired a film director, stunt men, make up artists, emergency vehicles… even had a professional script written to stage a phony car crash where Irena would discover his lifeless body and be so overwhelmed with joy that he was really alive that she would immediately agree to marry him.

Bizarrely enough, it worked, though the lady did admit that she almost killed him for real when she discovered the whole thing had been a prank.

I do wish the happy couple well, of course.

But I would recommend that anyone reading this article understand that more often than not, this is not a stunt that will win you a lifelong partnership… but it certainly will influence people.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Meet Gregory Todd and the engagement ring he hopes to give his new fiancee… in somewhere from one to three and a half years.

Why so long? Because he proposed to her in Hull Crown Court during his plea with the judge for leniency in Tiffany Baillie’s sentencing after she was convicted of GBH with intent for stabbing Todd as he slept last december.

Baillie was depressed at the time because she had suffered a miscarriage. She also, apparently, had had quite a bit to drink that night. For my money, this might contribute to an explanation, but hardly excuses her actions… particularly since her actions lead to Mr. Todd spending three months in the hospital recovering from damage done to his pancreas and spleen.

Todd, however, has forgiven all. Outside the court he said:

“I hoped to give her the ring today, if she had got a suspended sentence. I asked the judge if I could give it to her in court, but he said no. The barrister took the ring to the cells and she tried it on. It fits. Now I have got the ring back but no Tiffany.”

The judge weighed the facts, Baillie’s guilty plea, and Mr. Todd’s amazingly forgiving nature against the seriousness of the crime. Out of a potential twelve years, Baillie has been sentenced to four with credit for time served. With good behavior, it’s quite possible she’ll be back with Todd and with her twelve-year-old son in a year.

Mr. Todd, I wish you the very best of British luck.