Before you read any further, heed this warning…today’s topic is serious. Not funny serious, but actually serious serious. I was asked by someone who has only recently survived a heartbreaking tragedy to talk about aspects of marriage that many couples overlook when planning their lives together. Things like wills, final wishes, and alternate income sources. I do realize that these are usually the last things two people in love want to think about, but that doesn’t make them any less important.
When a spouse dies, the husband or wife who survives them can find themselves buried in mounds of paperwork. You may think you know everything about your partner’s finances or notions of bequeathing, but if it isn’t clear and isn’t written down, you may find that you are aware of only a small piece of a much larger picture.
So how can you prepare for something like the death of a spouse without entering into morbid territory? The first step is to set up a filing system you and your partner understand. Both of you should know where to find documents like birth certificates, marriage certificates, life insurance policies, estate records, employer information like company benefits, military records, other insurance, information on your standing loans, government benefits, and tax information. This shouldn’t take too long when you spend an hour or so doing it together.
And all of this stuff needs to be transparent–it’s easy to say, “My spouse makes such-and-such per year,” but that doesn’t take into account other income, expenses, or debt.
Another step you’ll want to spend some time on is creating a list of assets, including real estate, stocks, bonds, savings accounts, and personal property. While you do this, make a note of and file any account numbers, land titles, stock or bond certificates, and other financial papers. You may think this doesn’t apply to your situation, but think creatively when thinking about assets. You (and your spouse) may not even realize the scope of what you possess.
If you have wills, mke sure you are each designated to receive all joint property automatically.
Finally, sit down with your partner and have a discussion about your final wishes. Even though it’s scary to think about, consider how you’d like your body to be handled or what you’d want your spouse to do if only your body was still alive (which is where power of attorney comes into play). Are there any assets you’d like to give to specific family members or loved ones? Anything you’d like to put aside for your children?
Openness and a willingness to approach a difficult subject candidly will help you here. There may be other issues pertaining to your particular circumstances that you’ll want to discuss. Just remember that life, as wonderful as it can be, is impermanent, and while being prepared for a tragedy won’t lessen its impact, preparedness can be a big help when you’re trying your best to cope.
Thank you for this post NtB. I think this is actually an extremely unselfish act, to know and understand your partner’s wishes if they should unexpectedly pass.
Oh, so true. And, as morbid it as it seems, SO NECESSARY. If the Terri Schiavo thing taught us anything it was to be prepared. My parents had me sign papers for each of them last year and they’re healthy, happy people in their 50s. You just never know.
Thanks for the reminder, too – my fiance and I are already living together and sharing household expenses and bills but I don’t exactly know about all of his finances. Sounds like a good spring break project to me. I’d rather have that all figured out BEFORE the wedding.
Wonderful, thoughtful post. TELLING each other isn’t enough either. My stepfather told me he wanted a particular piece of land to go to his SON A. He never put it in his will. When he died, I shared what he’d told me with all his children. Mind you, there was nothing “in it” for me by doing this- oh- except the dirty look his SON B gave me. Needless to say, the land didn’t go to SON A. Son B wouldn’t even SELL it to him. Don’t even get me started on the lousy deal my mom got since, tho they lived together for 20 years, they never actually wed. WILLS are a good, necessary thing. Otherwise, your spouse may have to spend the days after your demise arguing with your mom that YES, you really did want a Native American cremation not the internment at Forest Lawn she thinks is appropriate.
Having your wishes in case of catastrophic illness or sudden death properly written down is vitally important. My father suffered a severe accident in the Bahamas. He was airlifted back to the states and brought to a hospital in Florida, but there was no chance of recovery. If my brother hadn’t had official medical power of attorney and my father’s California Living Will in hand, we might well not have been able to fulfill my father’s wishes not to be kept alive by artificial means.
When my MIL died, my husband was the only heir. The lawyer did his job by advising my husband not to put the house in both our names in case of divorce, but luckily for my position should I ever find myself widowed, my husband still put the house in both our names. That way should the unthinkable happen, at least I won’t have to worry about whether I’ve got a roof over my head.
it’s not an easy subject to bring up, but it feels very good to get it settled and in writing.
Thanks for posting this, NtB. My heart goes out to the person who suffered the heartbreaking tragedy & asked you to write about this topic.
Thanks for posting this. It really is an important issue that gets overlooked in marriage planning (which is different from wedding planning and a lot of couples don’t think about it). My husband does some dangerous travel for his job, and we try to keep things light and jokey, but I always double-check the files before he leaves for a trip.
Molte grazie to Never teh Bride for bringing up this unpleasant but most necessary topic for discussion.
One wonders if the Anna Nicole Smith left a will, or at least appointed a guardian for her infant daughter. Alas, one fears that she did not, and here now is this poor child who has no mother and at least three men claiming to be her father, and who is there to look out for her well-being? So very sad.